Any of you parents have a whiny kid when they were young? One of my grandkids is definitely a whiner. Part of it is just tone of voice, part of it is personality.
I think part of it is a basic hypersensitivity in that he is more sensitive to light and noise etc. Some kids are just more aware than others of bothersome things. As a baby he would shudder in reaction to light shining on him if a curtain blew when trying to do bedtime, etc. I don’t think he is bratty whiny, I think he feels easily bothered, physically. That plus Covid isolation for so long meant not many opportunities to internalize a “suck it up” attitude from playing with other kids.
Parents of the kiddo would love to do any and everything recommended to help break the whining cycle. Any ideas?
I would think the most important thing would be to not reinforce the whining at all. If he gets what he wants when he’s whining, he’ll keep doing it. If something is bothering him ask him to explain what the problem is using words and appropriate language. Maybe say it’s hard to understand him when he’s whining. And reward him for talking the way you want. That doesn’t mean that you give him what he wants, but thank him for using good words and say it makes him much easier to understand. I am assuming this would take some patience since he might just get frustrated at first and whine more. It might even help to talk about what whining is and model how to talk appropriately at a time when he’s not whining. Like say, “Hey Max, sometimes when you get upset about something I notice you talk in what some people call a whiney voice and it makes it hard to understand you. Do you know what that means?” And then show the difference and explain that he might try talking in a normal voice, which you know is hard when you’re upset or tired, but it might help him better get what he wants since people will understand him better. Depending on how sensitive he is you might even say the whining sort of hurts your ears. Then be sure to praise him when you notice he’s not whining in a situation where he could and thank him for using words instead. BUT…I don’t know his age so this might not be appropriate advice depending on how old he is.
I always told them I couldn’t hear them when they talked like that and to use their normal voice. Then don’t respond until they do. Worked pretty quickly.
I’ve known my D’s friend since she was aged 8. I used to think she was whiny. She’s grown up into a lovely young woman who is very friendly and chatty. Some kids grow out of it. I’ve known another girls since she was three. She used to be the biggest tattle tale. She is also a wonderful young woman now. Kids change.
Yep. It sounds like it’s become a habit. And you’re right, with some sensory issues which might mean he has more to whine about. We used to make a game out of practicing the way we wanted my daughter to do things and that sometimes helped her understand what we wanted. Hang in there!
Has he ever been evaluated by his pediatrician for the photo and noise sensitivity? The behaviors you described can be a “symptom” of SPD, neurodivergence (ASD,ADHD), Moro Reflex, etc.
Same here. Ours was somewhat whiny when she was around 5 or so. We set up a “No-Whine Zone” in the kitchen/dining area, and called her attention to it when her voice started being whiny, and asked her to repeat what she said, without whining. EIther what we did helped or she outgrew it, but it petered out in a year or so.
Humans are adapted to respond to whining, and we’re all born with the tendency to whine when we are unhappy. Other mammals do it to, as anybody with a dog or cat knows. And like animals, the only way to get it to stop is to not respond. We used a lot of “I can’t hear you when you whine, say it again, without whining”. Not easy when you want it to just stop or want to explode (also not good, since that’s also a response).
When both of me ne went through a whiny phase at around age 3, I told them when they were using their whiny voice what it was and that I couldn’t understand them when they used that voice. After that any time they whined I would say “what? I don’t understand you when you whine, and not answer them. It worked…
One night being set out to the woods to be raised by wolves flips the switch.
Alternatively ignore the behavior. One of our sons had a tendency to be “dramatic”. Grew out of it when it became clear the behavior elicited absolutely no response.
You just do the best you can to ignore. But some kids harder than others.
Both my kids were reasonably easy. But I do remember one time when the little guy was in his car seat, being whiny. Me/mom in driver seat ignores. Repeatedly. Finally big sis in booster seat can’t stand it anymore and says, “I bet if you asked in a Nice Voice she would answer you”.
If there are environmental factors you can control, do. Dimmer switches on lights, cut the tags out of clothes, let him wear his socks inside out to avoid the seams. Make his life as cozy as possible and cut out the harsh shades and lights.
A little boy I babysat for would sneeze as soon as the sun hit him. He’d be asleep in his carseat and if we turned and the sun hit him? Achoo! His brother needed all the tags out of his shirts, all his socks inside out.
My daughter hated buttons. No idea why as a three year old, and no idea why as a 25 year old. She preferred soft knits like t-shirt dresses to crisp cotton with buttons or even jeans with buttons/snaps. Whenever I could I let her totally irrational fear of buttons rule (her school uniform had 2 tiny buttons on the polo shirt and 2 decorative buttons on the skort; she had to deal). Most of her clothing was loose without belts, buttons, decorations.
Our kids weren’t whiners, for the most part. It’s likely because we had very little tolerance for that (though we were total suckers as parents, just didn’t like the irritating stuff). I remember telling our kids that we didn’t understand “Whinese”, so they needed to talk in normal voices.
it’s often not enough to simply ignore the whining (even announcing you can’t hear them is still attention for whining)…you’ll need to notice the not-whining. Children often whine for attention they feel (reasonably or not) they aren’t getting otherwise.
So when they are “being good” you have to engage positively instead of sighing "thank goodness " internally. Whining is hard, but often just a stage in learning how to interact with people.
This is a good suggestion. For some people with sensory processing issues, things that feel normal to others can feel incredibly annoying, uncomfortable, or even painful. You know when you’re down to the last pair of terrible underwear and they bother you all day long? Or when there’s a whiny kid nearby and you just need some peace and quiet ? Or when someone shines a light straight in your eyes or blasts the music so loud it hurts your ears?
It would be interesting to see how the kid responds to some good headphones or a lower light level inside or some sunglasses. Maybe it would help, maybe not.
I feel like you are describing two different things:
Whining
Sensory issues
How old is your grandchild??? Has he/she ever been evaluated by an occupational therapist? Sensory issues that interfere with daily living things like clothing, hairstyle (yes, it’s a thing), how the bed is made, light or not in a room, etc. are very common and can be helped with some conditioning therapy.
I agree with the approach of accommodating sensory sensitivities.
One of mine had trouble in school unless she had a certain headband that felt comfortable, and more than once I had to drive to school with a change of shirt. She later had a couple of clinical diagnoses that explained the sensory issues.
I would avoid anything punitive of course, and withholding attention is something I cannot comment on. I did not take that route myself and it worked out.
I think the more important issue is what is actually going on in terms of the sensitivity to light and sound, neurologically or neuropsychogically or whatever. Not sure of the age and when those explorations should be done. Wish I had done something earlier!
? Or when someone shines a light straight in your eyes or blasts the music so loud it hurts your ears?