<p>Contrary to my earlier posts I have decided to apply to Princeton, are there any comments you have for the following essay.</p>
<p>Before deciding to apply to Princeton I had to closely examine for myself the reasons that I would go there. And so, I decided to visit it during the summer. Let me be quite frank. I am originally from New York and New Yorkers tend to picture New Jersey as a state replete with the byproducts of an industrial wasteland. As we crossed the Verrazano bridge over to New Jersey my worst fears appeared to be true. It looked like the scene from The Matrix where Neo sees what has happed to Earth. Going south, it didnt seem to get much better. But, when we turned on to Washington street the landscape suddenly changed. As we passed by fields and Carnegies manmade lake, the landscape looked like it was plucked from an English Country Estate.
The information session was held in Nassau Hall. As we walked into the room I saw yet another part of Princetons English heritage. The room was styled after the British House of Commons. Then, it was time for the campus tour. When walking to the tour I saw the Whig Clio buildings and I thought. Hmm, the debate skills honed at such debates would certainly be helpful to me in campaigning for public office. Then I walked past the Woodrow Wilson School of Public and International Affairs or Woody Woo as it is affectionately called. This is where I would like to end up while at Princeton.
The Bush presidency invigorated my political ambitions. When I saw the path this country was headed down I resolved to do all I can to change its course. Currently, my career ambition is to go into medicine and then become a politician like Bill Frist. Starting as a doctor, possibly a gerontologist, I will be able to help people who need it the most. Then, I will be in a position to know how to best influence the healthcare system. Furthermore, while public theatrics are important in politics, some of the most important bills crafted (such as the Clean Air Act) were in large part due to Committee Chairmen who knew the ins and outs of the legislative system. I would like my career in public policy to produce definitive results instead of merely symbolic unimportant bills.
My views differ tremendously from those of Frist. I would like to become the Newt Gingrich of the left. With the knowledge I will hopefully gain from Woody Woo I will help build a coalition and a set of principles that Democrats can run on. As a staunch Democrat, I have to admit that Republicans have us trounced. When Democrats are asked what the party stands for, they all come up with different answers. However, when a Republican is asked what his party stands for, he is quick to name the core values of the Republican Party. Democrats need to rebuild FDRs New Deal Coalition which Republicans have spent so long tearing up. One quick way we can do this is by campaigning on fiscal responsibility. Republicans can no longer claim that for themselves because we have seen deficits mushroom while they were in power. Bit by bit Democrats can splinter off groups which now identify themselves as Republican.
But before doing any of the above I would like to be politically active on campus. I would like to write for the Progressive Review and get funding for it from prominent left-leaning organizations. I will also run for USG and College Democrat leadership positions.</p>
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<li>Talk about your accomplishments and experiences and less about your dreams, which are quite unrealistic. </li>
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<p>A) Corporate control over both the Rep and Dem parties has grown in the last thirty years so that both parties are out of touch with the "core principles" of empowering and supporting the people.</p>
<p>B) New Deal coaltion hasn't existed since Johnson signed the Civil Rights Bill. After that, the south was lost. </p>
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<li>Try to make the essay flow better. Reorganize it to talk about who you are right now and your accomplishments thus far, include less narrative, take out the New Yorker elitism, take out the "hmm" etc. You have a lot to work on for this, because it's not interesting and doesn't tell the adcom many things about you other than your unrealistic dreams of uniting the nation behind the Democratic party (good luck).</li>
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<p>3.Lastly, the essay needs to focus heavily on WHY Princeton. What makes Princeton special? You really lose track of that as you go off on a tangent about your political dreams halfway through. And there's no need to infuse the essay with a political message in every sentence, because the adcom reading it may very well be Republican.</p>
<p>i agree with astrix. the essay doesn't seem to be structured very well and you don't talk very much about why princton in particular. you make some passing references (i.e. to the woodrow wilson school and the Whig Clio buildings) but you only superficially explain why you you want to end up at these particular buildings and in such general terms that you could probably substitute any other college wtih a public policy school and debat building in for the princeton ones. also, i think you should talk less about your political dreams because again, they don't show why you want to go to princeton over any other school, and also, you start to sound like your just lecturing or preaching (although i do agree with your politics)</p>
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<li>This essay is going to turn off the admissions committee. No one wants to read about today's political problems in an essay that is supposed to be about you.</li>
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<p>and</p>
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<li>You haven't shown why Princeton will help you become the Gingrich of the left except for the prestige of Woody Woo and Whig Clio.</li>
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<p>there seems to be a conflict between the different focii in your essay: the landscape/architecture, why you like princeton, and your political views. Pick one and stick to it. or two if you can make the two fit together into a coherent essay.</p>
<p>I highly revised the essay, I appreciate any comments you have, particularly for the ending (writers block before the deadline is NOT good)</p>
<p>Why Princeton?
Before deciding to apply to Princeton I had to closely examine my motivation for going there. And so, I decided to visit during the summer. Let me be quite frank. I used to live in New York and New Yorkers tend to picture New Jersey as an area filled with the beauty of heavy industry. As we crossed over the Verrazano Bridge my worst fears appeared to be true with smokestacks belching the deep pungent aroma of freshly refined crude oil. Going south, it didnt seem to get much better. But, when we turned on to Washington Street, the environment suddenly changed. As we passed by fields and Carnegies manmade lake, the landscape looked like it was plucked from an English Country Estate.
The information session was held in Nassau Hall. As we walked into the room I saw yet another part of Princetons English heritage. The room was styled after the British House of Commons(with the table as wide as a swords length, do trustee meeting really get that contentious?). Then, it was time for the campus tour. When walking to the tour I saw the Whig Clio buildings and I thought that the debate skills honed there would certainly be helpful to me in campaigning for public office. Then, I walked past the Woodrow Wilson School of Public and International Affairs or Woody Woo as it is affectionately called. Some of the most important legislation accomplished was done because of powerful committee chairmen who knew how Washington worked. Senator Muskie and the passage of the Clean Air and Clean Water acts are a particularly good example. As such, I would like to learn all of the minutias involved in the legislative process to make sure that the proposals which I will eventually sponsor are not merely symbolic, but substantive and enacted into law. However, these thoughts were dashed away as the tour started.
After speaking with the very candid tour guide I came to realize that much of Princetons strength lies in its faculty and students. To that end, I would like to take a course by Professor Sugrue. After hearing his lectures on tape regarding Platos dialogues I was enthralled. I have so many questions that arose which I would like to ask him, such as whether ones mode of reasoning or the outcome of the reasoning is more important, and does it really matter? These are the type of questions which need to be discussed on campus. My flame for the quest of knowledge was originally ignited by Mr. Padillas English class which I took in the 10th grade. No issue was censored from discussion(rare in a public school). The topics ranged from Aristotle to Nietzsche. We even learned Greek so that we could no longer proclaim its Greek to me when reading texts. Indeed, there is a certain euphoric feeling which passes over ones body after a profound realization. For me, this tends to happen after reading the last sentence of a particularly engaging text (Slaughterhouse 5, or Invisible Man). Mr. Padilla termed this an intellectual orgasm. Hopefully as a student at Princeton I will be euphoric not only from reading texts but by discussion with Professors and students.
Driving up North for our flight out of JFK I pondered the similarities between Frists career and what I would like to do. I want to become a doctor and then go into politics. Being a gerontologist will allow me to care for the baby boomer generation. My medical experience will be useful when I become a legislator because I will be able to introduce substantive health care reform. Being a congressman would allow me to help many more people than I ever could by going it alone. My ultimate career goal is to become the Newt Gingrich of the left and introduce the kind of unity which the Democratic Party is utterly lacking. But before taking to the House Floor, I would like to be politically active on campus, to write for the Progressive Review and get funding for it from prominent left-leaning organizations, and to run for USG and College Democrat positions.
Who knows, under closer examination Princeton (hopefully) will be a launch pad for my medical and political ambitions.</p>
<p>thats better than the first one but there are a couple of typos
But there is no nice way to say this...this is not a very interesting essay. And it doesnt make you stand out.
I'm sure you could come up with something much better</p>
<p>Why are you sending it as a supplement? you should have used it for number 5 on the 'short essays' section. I think its well written, could use some tweaking, but i don't tihnk it will help too much. However, you put time into it, and it shows that you know what you want to do, so go for it.</p>