Worried - alienation?

Prep School Admissions
1

<p>Hey everyone.</p>

<p>I'm entering Deerfield Academy as a freshman this fall. While researching for more first-hand information about campus life, I chanced upon a couple of Facebook albums showing girls dressed in Lilly Pulitzer (in fact, all of the girls were wearing Lilly). I'm rather concerned because I would never purchase, or have the means to purchase, any piece of clothing anywhere close to that price range, and thus stick out like a sore thumb.</p>

<p>I also found this Op/Ed article in The Scroll, Deerfield's magazine, which reflects that I'm not the only one facing this problem in Deerfield.</p>

<p>I quote:
"When someone asks you to write a reflection on the past four years at Deerfield, you can only laugh. What could I possibly write that’s meaningful, that’s a testimony to the four years I’ve spent here? Where do I start— with another truth yet cliché about my eye-opening classes or life-long friendships?</p>

<p>No, instead, this is for those who want the truth, that unintelligible truth beneath the intelligible lie. This is for those who have felt misplaced, humiliated, miserable, and simply unhappy—what we are not supposed to feel at our new “home.”</p>

<p>I wish I could say I loved Deerfield. But as the previous Op/Ed editor who sought and demanded truth, it’s my turn to present my truth.</p>

<p>Let’s start from the beginning. It’s hard to remember small details from freshman year, except the funniest ones such as the time when Rose handle-barred me into the rose bushes in front of the MSB, or when Mrs. Heise called Ted’s voice “sultry,” and we burst into laughter after he looked up the definition in Webster’s. Funny moments intertwine and uplift my memories of freshman year, but frankly it was a time when I felt awkward, estranged, and miserable.</p>

<p>My parents taught me to love myself, that I was special. I believed in this, but I wasn’t from Greenwich, CT. I wasn’t white, I was a day student, and I couldn’t dare to stray from J. Crew or Ralph Lauren. I believed in myself, but I needed to conform. I pretended I loved the Greer nightlife (because clearly everyone else did), and I pretended I loved spending all hours in Ashley instead of cooking dinner with my family. All because I needed to fit in, because I needed to belong.</p>

<p>What was wrong with me? Everyone around me was praising us for being the smartest kids, and everyone around me seemed to unite under their love for Deerfield and the motto, “Be worthy of your heritage.” It seemed as if everyone was happy; why couldn’t I be the same? Why did I need to pretend happiness?</p>

<p>But it wasn’t just me. I saw my friends, too, frantically order Jack Rogers online, complain about the Greer, and fear walking alone, lest they look like loners.</p>

<p>My wake-up call came from the strangest source. My sister, then a senior, told me an “absurd” comment that her music teacher, Mr. Pandolfi, had made. She said he was worried that I, at his lunch table, rarely ate. I laughed with my sister (because everyone in my family knows how much I adore food), but I realized then that the twisting feeling in my stomach during study hall was hunger—hunger for food, hunger for acceptance, but most of all, hunger for happiness.</p>

<p>The stress of not being, but trying my hardest to be, the white, preppy, beautiful Deerfield Girl was stopping me from being happy."</p>

<p>Could someone from Deerfield shed some light on this?</p>

<p>(Please don't tell me that I should have done my research before applying. I always knew that Deerfield had a preppy culture, but it never struck me that it was so serious and prevalent.)</p>

2

<p>Don’t worry about one student’s op-ed piece. There are a certain percent of students that are preppy at all BS (adds to the campus diversity). Deerfield preppiness is amplified because it has a dress code, not because it is any more preppier than other BS. Enjoy your summer and get ready for a great year! Go Deerfield Class of 2015! :)</p>

3

<p>@bondbetweenus, don’t worry. I’ve heard far more fantastic account of BS than bad ones. There’s always the occasional student that doesn’t enjoy them-self, but ask the numerous parents + current students for their opinion on their school and you’ll see how they feel. I echo Invent. Don’t worry, just be optimistic and have a great year!</p>

4

<p>I will also be Deerfield class of 2015 and everyone that I talked to loves it. Don’t let one opinion destroy your excitement about Deerfield! Be yourself…you don’t have to “conform” and become something you aren’t just to make friends! Considering how many people are on FA or international…not everyone can afford Lily Pulitzer and not everyone LIKES Liliy Pulitzer or other expensive brands like it.</p>

5

<p>I’m betting some of those “preppy white girls from Greenwich” felt unhappy too, often enough. This article (assuming the whole article is like this and that she never finds her place at Deerfield) could also be read as the story of a pretty typical teen who regrets that she cared more about what others thought than about who she wanted to be. </p>

<p>It’s possible to go to a school with a predominant culture that doesn’t feel like “you” and still find your own way. When I was in college, for example, the great majority of students joined fraternities and sororities and there was a lot of pressure to do that. Those of us who opted out, however, found that we had a lot in common and formed our own diverse and interesting community. I just don’t believe that a school as rich in resources as Deerfield wouldn’t have a place for someone who didn’t want to do status quo self. Be yourself, and I’m guessing you’ll find your niche.</p>

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<p>Not to harsh on DA, but don’t be so quick to dismiss the issue. To see a seriously reasoned account of the social pressures at BS, read “Perfectly Prep,” which is NOT about DA but still rings true across the upper echelon prep school spectrum. Forewarned is…forewarned.</p>

7

<p>Yes, there are elements that ring true at all of these schools, particularly for girls. Hopefully, OP, you will be able to quickly find your own group there!</p>

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<p>@OP.</p>

<p>Read all the articles/opeds in that Scroll. You will see some evidence of the counterculture to the overall preppy vibe. Don’t worry, there are plenty of kids who would not be caught dead in Lili. </p>

<p>HS is HS and everyone feels left out and inferior sometimes, even the Greenwich girls. The author of the meditation you quoted was describing some of the things that made her feel inferior. But she acknowledges that it is her perception, not necessarily the reality of her experience, but rather how she felt about it. If you feel it is very important to be at the top of a social pecking order, or fit some pre-defined mold of “Deerfield girl” it will be difficult. If you just want to have good friends and be yourself it will be easier. Be open, be friendly, be confident in who you are and you will find your tribe.</p>

9

<p>More than 30% of the kids at DA are on FA. So you’ll have plenty of non-preppies to be friends with. I don’t think there are that many kids at DA from Greenwich to begin with. You can find Greenwich kids at all NE BS.</p>

10

<p>Don’t delude yourself into thinking that having money here and now automatically means “preppy”. There are plenty of students on FA who are more preppy than those who drip with (new) money. Preppiness and money are not synonymous.</p>

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<p>You are so comical. :D</p>

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<p>@bondbetweenus,
I wouldn’t worry too much if I were you. This article doesn’t point to things like bullying, or hard drug abuse which might cause me to worry a lot. Just relax and be happy that you have the opportunity to attend Deerfield Academy.</p>

13

<p>Kind of irrelevant but I bought a Lilly dress at Costco. I think it was like $30ish. Haha.</p>

14

<p>Dear OP,</p>

<p>Feel free to e-mail me. My d was a new sophomore last year and her experiences were/are completely different than the article states. I dont doubt that the writer honestly depicted her experiences but I think those are in the minority. </p>

<p>I can admit, happily, that my d has become much more “preppy” this year, mostly due to class dress. She is certainly, not the “white, rich girl from Greenwich”, just the opposite, an African-American, 90% FA, from Chicago. She found her niche, with a little work and is totally happy with her social group. Yes, I just bought 4 pair of boat shoes, (all on sail, totally under 100 bucks). We got an entire wardrobe for under $500 buck (I did deep sale shopping last spring and summer), she fit in. </p>

<p>As someone said above, high school is high school! You will always have groups that you dont fit in to and wouldnt want to be bothered with anyway!</p>

<p>My d has found that the most unhappy students are those that were sent to bs, not those that want to learn academically, socially, and willing to try new things and discover themselves.</p>

<p>You will be fine. Send me e-mail and I will put you in touch with my daughter. She will be one of your first DA friends. </p>

<p>See you on move-in day!</p>

15

<p>I agree with Alexz825Mom. Those experiences are both common and uncommon. I experienced them when I went to Exeter (in the Flintstone days). I wasn’t white. I wasn’t part of some minority recruitment machine (ABC, Prep for Prep, etc.). I couldn’t stand top siders, and I didn’t have the funds for designer clothes. I didn’t “summer” in Switzerland - heck, back then I’d never even thought it was a possibility. But within days I found kindred spirits and they remained my friends throughout the years.</p>

<p>Fast forward to the modern era. My D was initially uncomfortable on her first days. Despite the fact that the faculty was affectionate, she found sitting in the cafeteria awkward because all conversation would stop when she sat at the table. She said she wasn’t black enough to hang with those kids, and not rich enough to hang with the white kids.</p>

<p>Now, after one year, she has more friends than she can count - they are skyping and twittering and facebooking from all over the world. She’s been invited to go places I’ve never dreamed of. She went in with an open mind, realized that EVERYONE starts as a new kid, and that some of the richest kids had the worst emotional problems. She managed to maintain her friendships with her local pals as well.</p>

<p>So hang in there. It will be an amazing experience if you let it happen. How the school feels is more a function of how you approach it. Roll with the punches, flex with the setbacks, and revel in the pockets of joy that become more plentiful as you settle in. I found going to boarding school awkward when I first started (and it was my idea to go). Now I can’t imagine ever having done high school any other way. And my D feels the same way.</p>

<p>Best wishes. You’ll do fine.</p>

16

<p>I am feeling the exact same way! I’ll be coming as a sophomore in the fall, 90% financial aid, from a middle class family. Although my parents are allowing me to splurge here and there on full priced clothes from j.crew and the likes, I know that I can in no way ever afford to buy all the top designer names. I’m having trouble finding clothes that comply with the dress code, because from what the website describes it is pretty strict! I remember on my revisit day one of the girls wearing a peasant styled top, which based off the description on Deerfield’s website, does not comply with dress code, so I don’t know if this means that they perhaps are not as strict in reality as they are on paper? I guess we will find out! </p>

<p>That being said, I’m sure that there are plenty of kids who are in our situation at Deerfield! My current high school is a public school where kids wear mostly forever 21, hollister, pac sun, and American Eagle, or even just sweat pants and a tshirt if they are feeling lazy, so I am not exactly used to boarding school styles. I think that at any school there will be people hung up on wearing the most stylish expensive clothes, boarding school or not, and there will be others who will like you for you rather than for if you can afford these top brand names. I wouldn’t let it stress you out too much, because you’ll find your niche somewhere- be it your dorm or sports, or clubs. I sure would hope that I have picked a school where the kids aren’t shallow enough to solely befriend others based on if they can afford Lilly Pulitzer or not!
Best of luck with everything!</p>

17

<p>Hey everyone, sorry for butting in, but I have similar concerns as OP. Just wondering if you guys could share roughly how many items of each clothing type you brought to boarding school. Like # of boat shoes, boots, coats etc just for comparison so I know I’m bringing enough. Thanks! ^__^</p>

18

<p>“Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill.” :)</p>