Worst Fear Realized...Son is Struggling

Colleges and Universities A-Z University of Alabama
81

<p>Many years ago as a senior I spent a year as an RA for four story dorm full of freshmen boys at a large state flagship university. RAs do not plan activities for the residents, it is not in their job description. You spend most of your time trying to maintain some semblance of order in dorm doing things such as shutting down “keggers” and breaking up finghts or at least getting the kegs and fights out of your building. You also have your hands full making sure the residents do not destroy the building or pull the fire alarm more than once a night. Many of the residents would have nothing to do with anything the RA organized anyway since the sad fact is that students like your son’s roommates hate the RA since he or she is the closest thing to them as a university authority figure. </p>

<p>If there are cases in which roommates just can not live with each other despite counseling from the RA, the RA will work to put them with somebody else. While an RA does not have the authority to expell an incorrigable resident from the dorms, they can reccomend it to the Director of Housing who does have that power. That usually happened only on the rare occasions when we caught somebody in the act of pulling the fire alarm.</p>

<p>Things will get better and the perpetually drunk and disorderly students start to vanish. State universities have far more freshmen than they can accomodate in upper division classes so they are pretty ruthless and start academically dismissing students from the university by the end of the first semester if their grades are bad enough and students who are constanly drunk invariably have absolutely dreadfull grades.</p>

82

<p>denthyg, sorry to hear of your son’s struggles. I know of students who had the same issues. Some did eventually transfer, some not. It does seem that most times the difference in partying creates the divide. Even kids who went to high school parties with their friends who drank/smoked and they didn’t, encounter a whole different level in college sometimes. It seems these situations are the worst - where the only thing many around them are thinking about is how quickly and heavily they can get wasted. Pretty tough to get to know someone who thinks this way most of the time. I will say it’s good that he’s sharing his troubles with you. Some schools do have counselors who will listen as well and have some guidance. The school is large enough that he can visit and know they will keep his confidence. If it is at all possible, I would suggest if he hasn’t already done so, find one somewhat involved activity/club where he can join and find a sense of belonging (newspaper, community service, intramurals, etc.) It should be something that meets pretty regularly so he can meet and get to know like minded people relatively quickly, but not too committed as to make his academics too challenging. It might take some time. Also, it’s possible once classes have gone into a few weeks, many students won’t be partying quite as much and will settle down a bit to the point where he’ll see them and they will see him in a different light. The school does have his best interest at heart, but, frankly, some just don’t deliver on helping all freshmen with the transition. I would also suggest he talk to his RA casually about “trying to meet some new kids and broaden his horizons.” If the RA isn’t there for him, he might look to another RA, they’re not all of equal value. But, I will say, if he still feels this way by Thanksgiving, it might be a sign that a transfer, where he guides the process, might finally be in order. This way he gets to see the light at the end of the tunnel through the spring. Who knows? It might turn out that the second semester will turn things around and he’ll stay put. I know it will cost some application fees, etc, but at least you and he will feel that you exhausted every option to help him have a productive three remaining years of his college life. I transferred many moons ago, and my daughter transferred and graduated this year. For what it’s worth, among the small numbers of my world, I don’t know a single transfer who regretted it.</p>

83

<p>dunno why you guys think being studious and a party animal have to be separate entities… you can be a top student and still party more than most kids…</p>

84

<p>giterdone: If you cannot contribute anything worthwhile, don’t contribute at all. The OP is looking for serious suggestions and help, NOT flippant remarks. That would be “staring” by the way…</p>

85

<p>Thank you, robotbldmom, sometimes the children need to be spanked.</p>

86

<p>*What did you expect? its ALABAMA for crying out loud. Its part of their DNA. Comes from starring at the sun
*</p>

<p>What the heck does this mean? </p>

<p>Are you South-bashing? </p>

<p>And what’s in whose DNA? And what are they “starring” at?</p>

87

<p>My S (who attends a different school) had never been around anyone drunk, never been to that kind of party and is very anti-drinking, however… he has since escorted a drunk classmate back to his dorm and got him safely situated, he has walked through a party in search of a friend, and has volunteered to be “security” at an upcoming dorm party. </p>

<p>To some extent, I think it is definitely a matter of perspective… with that said though, he doesn’t live with partiers and if he did, he may feel like the OP’s S. </p>

<p>I’m not sure what opportunities that UA provides, but I am certain that they are there for those who do not want to be involved in that lifestyle and still want to have fun. My S is up late watching movies, trampolining, walking around campus, doing his homework, just is places and doing things that others with a likemind can be found.</p>

<p>I have not read through all 6 pages of this thread to know what the OP’s S has tried, but hopefully talking to the roommates and asking for some sort of compromise or explaining his feeling or inviting them to something fun without alcohol, could help the situation.</p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

88

<p>OP- you’ve been given great advice. I’ll plug Young Life once more. Actually I would say, encourage him to get involved in three different groups. One or two will be a fit and he will find friends and like minded people. There is a great book called The Naked Roomate. It deals with all the uncomfortable senarios of college life. The one sentence that sticks with me is: You will be uncomfortable. This is an appropriate feeling. It will pass as you create a network. There is also a parent companion book.</p>

<p>So happy your son is reaching out to you and looking to you for guidance! Best wishes!!</p>

89

<p>One piece of advice I should also give is for your son to make acquaintances with the people he sees around campus, even if they aren’t students. It feels good to brighten someones day by recognizing them, asking how their day is going, etc. and the icing on the cake is when they begin to remember you. Throughout my years at UA, I have developed such relationships with bus drivers, dining hall employees, post office employees, random administrative assistants, etc. It makes me feel like an integral part of UA.</p>

<p>Once again, don’t expect your son to be friends with his roommates. Provided that there aren’t any major issues among the roommates, it is great to go back to ones room and escape the “friend drama” that occasionally occurs.</p>

<p>When considering transferring, consider why you want to transfer in the first place. Oftentimes, the issues that cause a student to want to transfer would be present at almost any school. There is also nothing saying that the new school will have less problems than the old one.</p>

<p>One thing I was surprised to learn is that even the most socially active students can feel like they haven’t met enough people on campus. As cliche as it sounds, one has to be a friend to make friends. Be nice to everyone you meet and help others without expecting friendship or other external gratification.</p>

<p>While religious-oriented groups can be excellent ways to meet people, there is no need to join a religious group specifically for that purpose. In my culture, religion is considered to be a private matter and the thought of joining a religious group, especially one of a different denomination or religion, would be out of the ordinary. If you are interested in the group’s activities, by all means join, but don’t feel pressured to join just because you want to meet people. There are plenty of people who would make excellent friends all around UA.</p>

<p>For the record, many of my favorite times at UA have been when I was alone or with people I don’t really know. Be spontaneous. Who knows, maybe the person to accidentally bump into on the way to class will end up becoming your bff or maybe even a future spouse.</p>

<p>Above all, have fun and Roll Tide!!!</p>

90

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</p>

<p>Well, well, well, what do we have here? Ah, yes, a dimwit-cum-critic whose intellectual credentials begin with an uncapitalized sentence, continue with a missing apostrophe, redouble impressively with another missing apostrophe, soar to magnificent heights with a misspelling, and conclude with an absence of punctuation, unless of course one considers unwitting self-referential ignorance to be, in and of itself, an ironic punctuation to this drivel.</p>

<p>Some people don’t have to get drunk to make fools of themselves. It’s in their DNA.</p>

<p>Roll Tide, giterdone. That’s what’s in our DNA and we come from everywhere. Now gitalong and fix yourself up with a remedial English class. ;)</p>

91

<p>gitterdone,</p>

<p>If what you suggest is true, I have serious concerns. Are you suggesting there is some genetic defect running rampant across the United States of which we are not aware? Please enlighten us since the student body of The University of Alabama is comprised of 60% out of state students. If it’s, or “its” as you say, “part of their DNA,” to whom are you referring? Is it the the kids from Hawaii, Texas, Illinois, Maryland whose DNA you question? Please share your wealth of knowledge. Oh, and although I’m not currently a resident of Alabama, I was born and raised there. I was completely unaware of anyone in Alabama “starring” at anything. We do, however, tend to stare at glaring errors in grammar and punctuation when someone makes them while penning arrogant statements. We’re also known for our hospitality, so I’ll help you out here. Your mistakes are many, but here goes. “What did you expect? its ALABAMA for crying out loud. Its part of their DNA. Comes from starring at the sun.” Your attempt to insult should have read, “What did you expect? It’s Alabama, for crying out loud. Students who choose to go there exhibit much higher intellect than I when they choose to attend The University of Alabama. It comes from being around others who are also better educated than I.”</p>

92

<p>Well said, Seatide. A smile to a stranger goes a long way. Walking around being a grumpy gus will just make you miserable, and people who only want to be your friend because you can benefit them somehow are not people you need to associate with. Rather, make connections with someone who can give you a smile, even for a moment. Those are the ones who will be your true friends.</p>

93

<p>SEA_Tide: Sage advice from a fine young man. You make us all proud! </p>

<p>To the OP: Don’t let a few idiot posters (like giterdone) discourage you. You are doing the right thing by keeping the lines of communication open between your son and you. Hopefully, he is finding this week of class busier than last weeks, and he is now meeting more people. </p>

<p>There is also another worthwhile group to join that pairs the international students with students from the USA:</p>

<p>Upcoming Events/News : </p>

<pre><code> Culturally Speaking [Fall 2012]
Term 1 : August 29 to October 8; Term II: October 29 to December 9
Volunteer with the ELI; meet and interact with a diverse group of international students, 1 to 4 times a week.
This is a good opportunity to learn about other cultures and speak with students from different countries.
Contact Frannie James (fjames@aalan.ua.edu) for questions or to register.
</code></pre>

<p>I am sure it is not too late to join, they are usually looking for volunteers. It is a class for the ELI students and a volunteer position for the USA students. I am pretty sure that is how it works.</p>

94

<p>Sorry, but I must protest!
“…than I” should read “…than me”, unless you put the correct form of the verb ‘to be’ or ‘to have’ after I, to wit:</p>

<p>"…much higher intellect than I have when they choose…"
OR you can correctly say “…much higher intellect than me when they choose…”</p>

<p>And, similarly, “…much better educated than I am.” OR “…much better educated than me.”</p>

<p>It’s the difference between a conjunctive and a prepositional thingie-ma-doo-hickie, I do believe. ;)</p>

95

<p>If you don’t feed the Trolls, they tend to disappear fast. I am actually ashamed of my home state and would be in AL in a second if I could! I know my son made the absolute best choice he ever could have hoped to and the courtesy and kindness shown to us has been second to none. Where else could you possibly hope to be considering the climate in every respect? My son prays daily that he can stay in the region after graduation and we want to be right behind him!</p>

96

<p>Good point about not feeding the trolls, rolltide90. But gosh darn it, sometimes the fruit is so low hanging that it’s hard not to give the little beasts a taste. :)</p>

97

<p>bamagirls:</p>

<p>When I’m upset or passionate about something, I’m not concerned with my prepositions, either. :-)</p>

98

<p>Sorry, Rolltide90. He caught me at a time when I had very little patience for someone trolling over to post ignorant, unhelpful remarks on the UA board. I’ll try to resist next time. :)</p>

<p>I thought “am” at the end of the sentence was understood. Oh well, what can I say. I’m from Alabama…I guess it’s, or shall I say “its part of” my DNA, according to gitterdone. Oh, the shame of it…I’m sure glad we have football. :)</p>

<p>Thanks for the support, NRDMOM. :slight_smile: Your inbox is full. Roll Tide!</p>

<p>Please, aeromom, don’t make me sit beside gitterdone for grammar remediation. :)</p>

99

<p>Maybe the RAs don’t plan anything and I’m not sure what is going on this year, but each of the dorms has had elected representatives that were responsible for, I’ve forgotten if its one or two a month…Son handled it for Lakeside W and E last year. Included were ice cream socials, different speakers, pizza, bbq, etc… Students just had to watch for flyers around the dorm building. Anyway, don’t know if budgets allowed it to continue this year but there was a budget for dorm activities last year.</p>

100

<p>You are correct, The Student. The RA’s at the UA do plan activities from time to time as required by Housing. In the past there has been a budget for each community to cover the costs associated with the social activities. I cannot see this being cut from the budget, but I could be wrong.</p>

<p>At some point students will notice flyers posted by floor about these events…ice cream socials, etc. As posted earlier, some students will choose not to attend these events for their own personal reasons, but many do participate and enjoy meeting others on their floor or within their dorm.</p>