Would anyone mind critiquing my college essay?

I chose prompt #2 on the common app which is:

The lessons we take from failure can be fundamental to later success. Recount an incident or time when you experienced failure. How did it affect you, and what did you learn from the experience?

The sting and disappointment of failure is almost too much to bear, however, there is always a silver lining in a cloud of stormy gray. I was eight at the time, full of energy that desperately needed to be let out. My parents signed me up for a local soccer league that a few other girls in my class participated in. My mom had a passion for soccer which I admired and hoped to impress her with my own skills. I imagined myself scoring the winning goal of a game and leading the team to victory on several occasions. It was a long stretch for an eight year old, but the fantasy of living up to my mom was wholly inspiring. I was convinced that I would be the MVP. I can remember my first game quite clearly. It was a sunny day and everyone in my family had piled into the car to drive to the field. Even my grandparents had traveled all the way to see me play. I was given the honor of bringing the halftime snack, a tupperware filled with oranges that I had helped my mom pick out at the grocery store the previous day.

The first half the game was uneventful, so I knew that I had to give it my all in the second half. I took my place center field and anxiously dug my cleats into the grass that stilled smelled as if it had been freshly cut. The referee blew his whistle and the ball was off in the direction of the team’s goal. Like any ambitious young player, I did not quite understand the noteworthiness of teamwork. In my head, I was the star of a sports movie, traversing across the field with the ball dribbling swiftly between my feet. I broke through the barrier of the team’s other players and kicked the ball with the power of all the great soccer players of history. The ball sliced through the grass and hit the net of the goal with ease. I turned towards my team and the crowd to take in the cheers and excitement of my spectacular play, only to make eye contact with the other team’s goalie at the opposite side of the field. My magnificent goal had just scored the other team a win.

My aspirations crumbled and shattered to pieces, I could not even find the dignity to play another season. Of course I finished the season, although I was rarely allowed to play during a game. With soccer and possibly my affinity for sports behind me, I turned towards something new. Little did I know, this terrible failure would lead to my passion for the arts. I traded my sports gear for a pen and paper as well as a set of art supplies. I refused to allow my previous embarrassment to avert me from my newfound eagerness towards art and writing. Even today, as I look back on that point in my life, I am grateful for the opportunity that the failure presented me. I continue to be ambitious, although I no longer act rashly and contain my pride. I realize my strength and weaknesses towards a situation and utilize them for the task at hand. I do not bask in the glory of my accomplishments or pity myself in the bane of my failures. I always try to find the good in a bad situation, because sometimes failures may just lead to success.

I’m no expert, but the essay seems very cliche.

I agree, it’s WAY to cliche! The actual topic, sports, is very over-used, and you used many cliche phrases such as “lways a silver lining in a cloud of stormy gray” and “My aspirations crumbled and shattered to pieces”. I do, however, think you are a good writer, and you have the potential to write a great essay!

you’re a good writer and i don’t think its a cliche since you kinda did the opposite of what the reader would expect but you need to spend a lot less time talking about the actual game and more time talking about the thought process behind the experience and HOW it motivated you to go into the arts. Though honestly a big problem with his s you didn’t learn anything from the failure. You didn’t persist or try harder or come up with a clever solution. You just quit and tried something else which doesn’t really sound that great… Review my Apply Texas essay plz?

Also, avoid posting your essays directly on the thread. People can plagiarize it. Instead, private message it to people.

If it were me I would go straight to the narrative instead of using a bunch of useless exposition. Cut out “The sting and disappointment of failure is almost too much to bear, however, there is always a silver lining in a cloud of stormy gray. I was eight at the time, full of energy that desperately needed to be let out. My parents signed me up for a local soccer league that a few other girls in my class participated in. My mom had a passion for soccer which I admired and hoped to impress her with my own skills. I imagined myself scoring the winning goal of a game and leading the team to victory on several occasions. It was a long stretch for an eight year old, but the fantasy of living up to my mom was wholly inspiring. I was convinced that I would be the MVP. I can remember my first game quite clearly.” Just start there. It is more suspenseful, dramatic and interesting. Also be specific. What kind of car? How many people in your family? What did the ball look like? What about the goalie? What color were your jerseys? What did you look like as an 8-year-old? These are the things that really good writers do, and they separate you from the pack. You do this fairly well already ie “grass that smelled freshly cut” Be sure to also use more of an active voice. Instead of “my grandparents had traveled all the way to see me play” try something like “my grandparents sat in their green lawn chairs waiting for me to score that first goal.” Spend more time describing why you transitioned into the arts. Once again be specific. This is a good first draft!! Keep working hard.