We gave them a set amount of money and are doing the rehearsal dinner/post-dinner party.
I know there’s a lot of permutations on who pays what and how much or what percentage but I think I’m looking for real-world examples on this forum. Thanks @sevmom, @“Youdon’tsay” and @runnersmom for sharing your experiences.
My kids just wanted a check, and they would make the decisions. I had put in hours/days of work talking to hotel personnel and places for a rehearsal dinner. The wedding was in DILs city. So, without seeing in person, the rehearsal dinner and the hotel were chosen by me, long distance. I gave a little less than I had budgeted, cuz bride wanted a certain night that eliminated most of my family. We were 12 from 150. I did all the goody bags, and I had an engagement party at my house.
My guy friend just gave his DD $30,000 for her wedding. His DD and fiancé want control. He is making an engagement party for the couple. To me, that was fair.
I hope these specifics help.
@2018dad for our DD, we paid for the wedding reception, welcome party the night before, and the breakfast the morning after.
Grooms family paid for the rehearsal dinner (2 nights before the wedding), the invitations including all postage (which were hand made by the MOG and were really nice, we thought), and some favors.
But I have to say…the grooms family is letting this couple live in a family owned home for as long as they need to and are only asking they pay the property taxes and utilities. That is a HUGE gift and in the end no rent or mortgage for at least three years will probably exceed the wedding costs.
Oh…and grandma left DD some cash and that paid for the wedding dress.
@2018dad, I am the mom of 2 sons, and I have a step-daughter.
I believe at least my sons, and probably my step-daughter, understand that I felt responsible for their undergrad educations (and an inexpensive but safe car sometime at or before graduation), but I don’t feel I owe them a large amount for a wedding.
I will likely offer a similar amount to each of them, In the thousands but not 10s of thousands - it won’t be a huge amount. I would rather see it go to a nice honeymoon (experience) or a down payment of a home (practical), but if they choose to use it for the wedding day, that’s perfectly fine too.
The cash will be the wedding present. I don’t plan on getting them anything else. (Except maybe small gifts, like for the shower).
@1214mom Same here. We were full pay for both son’s colleges (although both instate) . Helped some with car payment, phone plan, etc. for awhile after college until they got more settled. I also don’t feel I owe either an expensive wedding. Willing to give money within budget to help but absolutely do not want to discuss specifics /finances with the bride’s family. I feel It is up to the other family to decide what they do or do not want to contribute. I don’t want any major discussion about details about finances at all with the bride’s family. They should contribute what they are comfortable with and we will do the same.
When my daughter got married, one grandma paid for the wedding dress and all the flowers, plus hotel rooms for some family members and the bridesmaids. The other grandma hosted for Sunday brunch. (This is the only granddaughter for both.) We parents of the bride hosted the wedding and reception and paid for all of that. The groom’s family hosted the rehearsal dinner. At first I had thought we might just offer a certain amount of money but it ended up feeling more natural to host it especially since we wanted to invite some friends and family members…I felt like it was our turn to host a big event for once in our lives.
We too, had private HS and full pay undergrads for two kids, so weren’t inclined to go whole hog on wedding.
With our D’s wedding, which was 2000 miles away from me, we gave them a big check. If they wanted to blow it all in one day or if they wanted to save it and go to the courthouse, their choice–just as long as H & I were there. Our family/friends were about 15%, their friends 35% and SIL’s family 50%… of the 280 attendees. I just felt it was easier (for me!) to let them decide where their priorities were and didn’t want any haggling over the fact that grooms family was so big. SIL’s parents paid for huge grooms dinner. Our check went towards church/reception/dinner/next day brunch/flowers/photographer/etc. I know they spent more of their own money on DJ/video/gifts/etc.–their choice. Oh and I did pay for her dress/alterations. She had a $5K limit…and luckily for me, spent much less. We also picked up hotel/tux/transit for our son. Everyone happy in the end. Just do what works for you…
If my daughter gets married to her current BF, I think they will pay for the wedding, his parents will pay for some kind of big event in their home town (engagement party, post wedding reception) and I’ll pay for something that I can afford. Of course, there will be 20 guests on my side and 8000 on his side, so that will be fair.
He’s been in several weddings and she’s been in one, and that was enough for her. She thought the expenses and picking out flowers and dresses and the bachelorette weekend were pretty much a waste of time and money. Quite the romantic, that one.
Other daughter is the one collecting bridesmaid dresses, and we haven’t even hit the cousins and sister and friends from 1st grade yet. And the ones she’s been in have been rather inexpensive. She was asked to be in a big fancy one in California but was uninvited to be a bridesmaid. It was right in the middle of a college semester for her so she would have had to fly out, be in the wedding, and fly back all in 2 days. Very expensive. I think the bride figured out my D wouldn’t be able to do the showers and bridesmaid weekend so just went with someone else. Fine with me and my wallet.
I gave my S and his wife, who got married in 2018, a set amount and we paid for the rehearsal dinner. For my daughter we gave them a set amount (full disclosure I gave her twice what I gave my son) and I paid for her wedding dress. My daughter’s 150 person March wedding was reduced to 10 people in our backyard due to Covid. We were fortunate not to lose any money on the cancelled wedding and the couple was able to pocket quite a bit.
I was going to pay for most of the wedding, but D1 wanted something more elaborate and she could afford it (she had multiple wedding dresses, and had before/after events). I ended up giving her a chunk of money to spend as she pleased. I also hosted the engagement party and the bridal shower. The groom’s family hosted the night before party which included all the guests and the rehearsal luncheon. They also graciously offered the couple additional money because most guests were their relatives, but the couple turned them down.
At the end everyone was very happy how the wedding turned out and what they contributed. I have to say there was very little drama. I have to give the groom’s mother a lot of credit. D1 kept her informed about all the planning and had her review/adjust the seating, but the MIL pretty much just showed up. They have been married for 2 years now, and they continue to have very good relationship.
I forgot…we also paid for hotel rooms for the bridesmaids, secured and food stocked a lake house for four days prior to the wedding for the bachelorette party, and paid for hair and make up.
We were very happy to be able to do these things…because we could.
ETA…the bridesmaids traveled at least 1200 miles to attend this wedding, bought dresses, took time off work. We have known these young women for 10 years at least and were happy to help ease the expense so they could be in DDs wedding.
I was really happy that one of the grandmas volunteered to pay for the hotel expenses for the bridesmaids, who all had to fly across the country. All three were well-known to grandma because they had each been brought to her house while DD was in college and over the years since. It can get really expensive to be a bridesmaid especially when everyone gets married one right after the other.
The bride who just asked my daughter to be in her wedding seems to be very considerate of the budget for the bridesmaids. They get to pick a dress @David’s, which range from $99- $200, but she included that they weren’t expected at the shower (in Connecticut), that her mother would house them if needed, and that she’d pick them up from the airport and provide transportation all weekend.
My other daughter spent about $1000 on the wedding she was in, with most of the cost being a weekend in St. Thomas. The dress wasn’t that expensive and she didn’t have to travel to the wedding.
In order to be fair to both DDs, we provided a vehicle for DD2 to have things ‘equal’ - spending the same for both DDs/only DD1 is married. Who knows what DD2 will do down the road and with inflation etc (and she tends to have very specific ideas which could be quite expensive) it was the best way to be fair to both. DD2 likes ‘full control’. DD1/SIL did all their planning in the city DD1 had been in for 5 years - so she had a lot of great connections.
SIL’s parents had negotiated hotel for their older son, and they did a terrific job with that. We got free concierge parking (this downtown hotel has this for their business clientele and it worked out great) - we all tipped the attendants well. We were the largest wedding group at this hotel (two other wedding groups) - we had more out of state family/friends. Hotel rates were reasonable for the accommodations - it was a beautiful place with a top floor included buffet breakfast/white table cloth and excellent food, 6 a - 10 a. We had a lot of good gatherings there and our suite room bar/snacks Friday and Saturday night - plus the hotel bar was used as well. July 2017 - everyone has fond memories of the wedding, reception, and gatherings.
DD1 did go to a bridal shop with me to try on dresses, and she had one in mind direct from designer in Italy - and bridal shop lady confirmed that designer is legit. Dress and full length tuill/lace veil were $1750 US, and we had made to her measurements - no alterations needed. If you ordered a dress to a standard size, could return - but I told DD not enough time to return and potentially get another dress. Dress was so beautiful. In some pictures, I was amazed how well the dress fell in the back without having someone have to ‘fluff’ the dress.
For D1, fsil’s dad is kicking in a few k and paying for the rehearsal dinner and his family’s lodging. Their side is about 22, ours is 3. (An empathic UGH to all of us in this situation.)
All told, our side is giving about the same, for flowers and violinists. All the rest, the kiddos are paying for. D1 never asked for us to foot more. But frankly, I’d been hinting since they were little that weddings need not be big money drains. She just never asked.
They budgeted. She moved it from a grand hotel venue to a historic library in town not for $$ reasons, but policies that prevented fair refunds, if the covid situation deteriorates (beyond her control.)
She has a large historic home airbnb reserved, walking distance, for the couple and attendants, to host family the eve before and spend a night or two. She’ll dress there, walk down to the venue with the photog.
This calendar year, the greater gift is a chunk against her college loan balance. She’s been responsible about that and the decision to take the loan was ours.
How’s it going, @Embracethemess ?
We gave S1 and D1 the same amount for the wedding/reception (D’s amount indexed for inflation). Extras for S were the rehearsal dinner, my staff and I created all the reception decorations (they bought the materials we used), paid for one groomsman’s tux and hotel room. Extras for D were her dress (1500 to cover everything), shower, hotel for bridesmaids, hair and makeup for D1, D2, DIL, morning after brunch for out of town guests.
We also paid for hotel, tux/bridesmaid dress/hair/makeup for immediate family members.
Our contribution covered about 60% of son’s wedding total, 30% of D’s (SIL’s parents were very willing to pay a large chunk—he is very likely their only child to be married).
D2 will get the same amount of money indexed for inflation. She has simple taste so we expect her to have money left over that she can keep.
We have sons, one newly married. We talked to him and DiL probably 2 months after they were engaged about the wedding and finances. They paid for the cake, ceremony stuff, photography, flowers, her dress, and anything related to the attendants. We offered to pay for anything involving the reception and rehearsal dinner. The wedding itself was closest to us, so I did the scouting for the reception and florists, passed info to the bride, and she and my son made decisions within the amounts we had ballparked. They chose the food, etc and I just wrote the checks. The bridesmaids covered a shower at one of their apartments. There was no bachelor weekend.
The MOB is a very controlling, unstable person and we did not want the wedding to be derailed by that, and we have plenty of money while she is not nearly as able, so it seemed inappropriate to stick to “should”. She thought she should pay about $2000 for a reception and was furious that we had “been extorted” by DIL to pay “for some fantasy thing”. When MOB called to yell,I said I was so sorry if we had offended, but I thought since we were closest, it would just spare her the trouble of trips to the venue and church, leaving her with fun things like the dress and the cake. Stressed that we had offered just to make everyone’s life easier.
She wouldn’t, in the end, pay for the dress because she didn’t like it. (she said things I cannot repeat). She did pay for the cake, and came to wedding,so we call it a win and are glad that the money we had saved up was used for a perfect day.
Other children will get rough equivalents should they marry (pleaseGodsendawoman) or gifted investments should they not. Cross that bridge another day.
@greenbutton a woman needs to be sent to my son first. Ok…maybe at the same time.
We have money set aside for a contribution to DSs wedding should he have one. We are getting close to the point where we might give him the money to use as a down payment on a house or something. Really, we want him to have something he will benefit from too.