Wow, glad they are not my relatives. I think what you have planned is just fine. Teriwitt’s reply is good. You can also say, “So sorry it doesn’t work for you but I hope you have a good time.” You could always preface it with “Well, bless your heart…” 
Just also realize that no matter what you and the “kids” did, there would be some relatives griping about it.
We heard grumblings last year about S1’s wedding plans, about girlfriends of cousins not being invited and who wasn’t invited to the rehearsal dinner. S and DIL did all the planning and paying themselves, and they got the wedding they wanted. I’m sure we’ll still be getting hints of people’s complaints when we attend nephew’s wedding in a few months. SisIL had to make a point of telling other SisIL that her son’s girlfriend would be invited this time.
You have to try as best you can to ignore their comments/complaints, and focus on the joy of your D’s wedding.
All you can do is invite all the relatives to the Mexican party and hope they come. I don’t think your daughter will even notice that they aren’t there or come late or the 3 cousins can’t meet her husband until the wedding reception. Just make sure they know they are invited to come at 8.
All the other stuff? Too late now to worry about if the HoneyFund is tacky. It’s what your daughter chose. If someone doesn’t like it, you can simply say “Oh, no gift is required AT ALL, the kids are just glad you could come.” They’ll cough up a check or contribute to the fund. Band? Just ask if they have any special requests. ('this DJ can find ANY song you want"). Pictures? (“There will be tons of pictures. Make sure you gather your group and the photog will get what you need.”)
I’m not sure you should use the couple paying for the reception as an explanation or an excuse, but just say “it’s their wedding, and this is what they chose.” That really should be how it is even if the parents pay.
And then have a few drinks and put the complaining relatives at a table far away from you. Even if it is your mother.
I agree with @twoinanddone - no explanations or excuses are necessary. Weddings aren’t an obligation for the bridal couple or their parents to make everyone in attendance happy. I think it’s insensitive and borders on bad manners for family members to criticize wedding arrangements they haven’t made. No one gets to dictate that there must be a band instead of a DJ or a full open bar instead of beer and wine (or iced tea and lemonade). I thought it was the guest’s responsibility to appreciate whatever wedding hospitality is offered. It would be nice for family members to focus on celebrating a new marriage instead of whether the music is too loud or there won’t be enough pictures. JMO, but grandma and auntie would be performing a kindness by butting out.
Sure, we can read the CC wedding threads and glean that we might be judged for doing this or not doing that. But in the end weddings are a precious opportunity to be there on a very important day in your child’s life, an opportunity not every parent will have. Enjoy yourself at the wedding, @snowball; I hope these irritations don’t spoil a minute of your happiness.
Yep, tell your mom that she planned and paid for your wedding, but u were a kid at that time. Her granddaughter is 30 ish, and she and groom are paying for a good part of the wedding. Tell her to get on board, and defend your DD to any complainers.
While rude of cousin to host her own dinner, let it be. If cousins want to meet the groom, they can do so at the wedding. They are thinking of themselves, having a cousins club. Those who care the most of the couple, will find a way to show their love.
Thanks all, this helps a lot!! I just needed to vent to those here as my good friends know the complaining parties involved and I hate to say too much to them, although believe me, they have heard!
We are planning to have a blast at the wedding like we did at my son’s back in October; a wedding I had not one bit of input in and it was beautiful. And yes, those same people have a few complaints then also and I did tune it out. It was easier as it was my DIL doing most of the planning, so I could just say, this is her wedding and is doing what she dreamed of. With my daughter’s wedding, my mother seems to think I should make my daughter change what she wants to do, and do things my mother’s way. I feel bad for my other aunt, my mother’s sister, who I am very close to, as she is hearing it from all sides. She called me this morning and said, please don’t talk to your mother about the wedding, she turns everything around!!
We will get through this and I am looking forward to a happy day, even if I don’t speak to my mother during the evening. Of course I will hear later that she was ignored 
During my son’s wedding at an art museum, she and my dad with a couple of other relatives, decided to park themselves at a table in a small gallery away from the music and main reception. Imagine my surprise when she complained to me the next morning that she never saw the bride and groom cut the cake. Well guess what, maybe if you had joined the other 200 people at the wedding, you would have know what was going on!! She also said she never got any hors d’oeuvres during the cocktail hour; something she says whenever we attend a wedding. I guess she expects the servers to seek her out and hand her the food!!
@snowball - sorry to hear you are getting all that grief!
We are 7 days out from the big day… I’m pretty much out of the loop as far as planning for the details. I keep asking what I can do and DD says she doesn’t need help, but thanks me again for my gift of the day-of coordinator. So we’ll see. Groom’s parents are hosting the rehearsal dinner, but DD is hoping for a very informal affair.
As to the HoneyFund… my DD has a regular guest registry, but she also has a designated charity – basically the registry has a message at the top that says, “In lieu of gifts, we also encourage you to donate to________, who were kind enough to create a custom donations page in honor of our nuptials.” It may be too late for you, but if anyone feels that the HoneyFund is too tacky, would they be more comfortable making a donation in honor of the couple?
anowball - not to upset you, but…with all of those guests from out of town, and with your future SIL paying for half of the wedding, why not host a dinner for your out of town relatives and friends? They do need to be fed and it is nice of your cousin to host a dinner for them. It is very nice of your SIL to pay for half of the wedding. He probably knew his parents wouldn’t chip in for anything.
As far as gift giving, I think giving cash is the most practical thing to do. When my nephew got married, my sister told all of us to just give money. It wasn’t a honeymoon fund or house fund. We didn’t care how they used the money. My nephew and his wife are going to move in a year, they didn’t want to have to move a lot of thing. I just don’t know why so many posters on CC are so against in giving cash.
Could you daughter register in UK? Americans can still buy online by using thier CC. Your D can return them and get cash if she wants. I have bought things from Harrods and Galeries Lafayette online.
Hugs @snowball. Vent away. It sounds like frustrating with your mother and everything else is compounded.
I have a mother who is very insecure, complains a lot and is a control freak. If things don’t go her way, it’s difficult. I just had a conversation with my sister that we have to let things not get to us. Mom loves to give her opinions. Sigh! It’s hard when she makes us feel like a little kid. I am a grown woman who figures life out just fine.
My mom and my mil seem to think they have people my kids should invite. Like great aunts. Ummm no, the kids get to decide. And they don’t know these extended family members. I told the mothers I have 12 people who I insisted be invited. Everyone else is the kids decision.
@snowball Regarding your complaining mom, it sounds like she has a history of voicing her complaints and would likely find something to nitpick about no matter what. Repeat this mantra: It’s about her, its not about me or the wedding plans. It’s about her, its not about me or the wedding plans.
Hang in there and enjoy the wedding!
Oh snowball, so sorry. If you need a bouncer, let me know!
@snowball, You are right. I would be hurt if my mom acted that way. BUT… This is your D and SIL’s day. This is not your mother’s day. You can only control what you can, and your mom is not one of the things you can control. I hope you can let it go, and enjoy the weekend with the people who want to celebrate and not complain. There is a quote I read recently that said something like, ‘Keep company only with people who uplift you, others who make you your best.’ I should have taken a picture. And I’ll be happy to come to be a bouncer with jym626.
@calmom, Wishing you a wonderful weekend. The day-of coordinator was a wonderful gift.
@snowball- you can host a dinner for the out of towners and your local relatives ( mom, brother, cousin) would be out of luck and on their own :). Your cousin should have the decency to have the competing dinner very close to the welcome party so the guests can easily attend both. If he doesn’t, IMO he is a stinker.
Snowball – I’m so sorry that you have to deal with your mother’s negativity.
I’m not sure I get the angst around the cousin’s dinner, though. The fact is, the bride and groom have not invited the relatives to dinner, and people have to eat.
I don’t have anything at all against the decision your daughter and her fiancé made to not invite out of town guests to dinner the night before the wedding, but to be perfectly candid, – and in the spirit of trying to offer a helpful perspective – I do think it is a little presumptuous to criticize the dinner plans of guests not invited to dinner.
It is nice that family members want to gather together for dinner. I could EASILY see doing the same thing if a group of relatives were coming to town for a family event, and if dinner on the night everyone was arriving was left open.
And right now, you have no reason to suspect that the whole group is intending to skip the after-dinner party at the Mexican restaurant; it would make perfect sense for the group to get together for an early dinner and then head to the Mexican restaurant for the welcome-party drinks.
Sure, there are some people who are not going to come, but that is to be expected at any party starting fairly late at a bar the night before a big event. Even if there were no alternative dinner plans, I could see myself deciding to bow out of the welcome drinks at a bar the night before a big event, especially if I were traveling to an event and likely to be tired.
In fact, now that I think about it, I regularly skip those kinds of welcome events for weekend festivities, even when I absolutely adore the hosts. Maybe I’d better rethink that practice! Honestly, for me, the encouragement of others at the cousin dinner would make it MORE likely that I’d go to the welcome party, not less.
I agree with nottelling. And how far away are these out-of-towners (in particular the three cousins you mention)? And then there is the issue of the small children. It would be difficult to have them at the welcome party that starts at 8 p.m. Who was going to be tasked with babysitting if only their parents came to the welcome party?
Will there be a chance to see the cousins after the wedding (morning after brunch)?
Where is there any mention of small children?
IMO, the grandparents , even if they don’t like tacos, should attend the dinner for the immediate family. Are they supposed to participate in the rehearsal? Will they be skipping it? IMO that is wrong. Is fine for the local cousin to host a dinner for some relatives coming in who would like the opportunity to get together, but in this town, especially if it happens to be a Friday night, traffic is horrible and it can be very difficult to get from, say, someone’s home to a restaurant elsewhere in town. The welcome party is apparently right by the hotel, yet the relatives don’t plan to attend. That is sad, and can lead to hurt feelings.
Here is the mention of small children:
“Where I am hurt is my cousin who is hosting the dinner as I feel she is making it where her guest won’t want to leave her house to come join us. I should not feel this way as they all have small children, so of course they need to have dinner.”
Thanks. Didn’t see that. Perhaps babysitting could have been arranged at the hotel ( am assuming these out of town guests are staying at the hotel). We did that when we hosted each of our sons’ bar mitzvahs so the parents could attend events.
Went back and reread the updates from snowball. Sounds like her mom, unfortunately, is high maintenance and is going to complain about something. Apparently her mom sounds like she thinks it’s all about her. So sorry, snowball.