When my kids got married, they didn’t have a dress code. They figured that most people would dress appropriately. The guests did. No one showed up in jeans or leggings.
I guess that it’s my midwestern upbringing. There are a million other things to worry about than what your wedding guests wear.
I know my daughter was the plus one for a wedding her boyfriend was a groomsman in. Formal dress. She has some gorgeous cocktail dresses. Felt compelled to buy a long dress from Poshmark because she didn’t want to spend a fortune and didn’t have a long gown in her closet. The dress ended up being ill fitting and needed to be altered, even after altering it wasn’t flattering imo. She looked much better in other pictures where she was a wedding guest and wore a dress she felt more comfortable in.
But when it’s her wedding, she’ll be able to pick what her guests wear. Or not. It’s entirely up to the wedding couple what they want their reception to be.
Attended a wedding recently where the invite said “black tie”. Literally one guest in a tux amid the 200+ people there and the only long dresses (other than bridal party) were the MOB & MOG.
In some people’s minds I think “black tie” might just mean “fancy”…?
PS someone did come in khakis! It was okay, though - no side-eyes or judgment and everyone had a great time.
My son was invited to a “black tie mandatory” wedding and was told the venue required it, as it is part of a fancyschmacy resort. Ended up renting a tux and splitting an AirBnB with friends but said later he should have just worn a suit and taken his chances.
I wore a short navy dress as MOG, and sure enough, MOB’s friend sidled up and wanted to know where I was changing in to my real clothes. I just smiled and said “oh, no, this is what the bride loved best! I love it too!” Which I am certain was reported back to MOB.
I think clarity on the website is a great thing for guests to have. Nobody wants to feel dumb for being under/overdressed
For my D’s wedding they put on the website something like “recommended attire: suit and tie for men and cocktail dresses for women.” A few men didn’t wear ties, a few women wore nice slacks but it was all fine. One couple (friend of groom’s parents) drove in from out of town and then realized they forgot their clothes for the wedding - they said they would stay back but at everyone’s insistence they came and it was totally fine (fortunately they had nice jeans and sweaters - so no tank tops or cutoff shorts LOL).
We were so grateful to be able to have a safe celebration (D and SIL had a micro-wedding the summer before and we collected vaccine cards from all the guests) that what our guests wore was the least of our concerns.
One bride I know getting married this year has indicated something like she will be “insulted” if anyone wears a black dress to her wedding. Fortunately it’s a pretty small wedding. Otherwise I’d place bets on someone wearing black.
ETA: This is what my kids wrote on their wedding site: “Casual Attire: We want it to be special, and that means that our guests are comfortable!” I loved that. The men in the wedding party wore gray suits, and the women wore dresses or in one case a gorgeous. flowy pantsuit. The moms and aunts wore long dresses and the dads and uncles suits. The rest of guests were all over the map. Several of the young guys, friends of my son, wore Hawaiian shirts, which have special meaning for this particular group. I would’ve been shocked and sad if no one had worn one. My kids were quite conscious that not everyone has the money or inclination to dress up, and it’s true what they wrote – they care more about the comfort of their guests than some preconceived idea of what they think – or think other people think – people “should” wear.
Agreed with whoever said that black tie has come to mean fancy, and fancy is in the eye of the beholder. I don’t think this generation holds to hard-and-fast rules.
MOB was in a navy long dress ofher choosing. I honestly think as difficult as she was, it wasn’t her idea to askme. Sometimes difficult people have difficult friends who are always picking fights to prove their loyalty, maybe.
Oh, yeah, I’m not blaming MOB. It’s the Mrs. Kravitz buttinsky who I think was rude.
ETA: That’s what I mean about others who think it’s their job to police what others wear. What could it possibly have mattered to this woman what you wore and how did it affect her? As you can see, I have little patience for this kind of thing.
My daughter’s main goal with designating “black tie optional” was wanting the men to be in dark-colored suits (which she explained on her wedding website). Once we got to the actual day, I guarantee she had a million other thoughts running through her mind (but I know we’re both hoping that our friend with the jeans & western belt buckle didn’t end up in too many of the pictures )
I don’t get all the fuss over telling people how to dress! It just adds so much stress about finding the “right” thing to wear, and as someone said upthread, how many photos are the guests in anyway?? And how many people are at risk to come in jeans and t-shirt?
My 33 year old niece got married last May. Due to covid and the MOB having cancer, it was immediate family only plus the wedding party. But at the last minute they added a few people to the list thanks to vaccines being available (and sadly, my SIL had passed in February so the concern over her well-being was no longer a consideration.) H, D and I were on the last-minute list. Invitation said “cocktail attire”. It threw D and I into a panic about what was appropriate for this small wedding, where we WOULD be in many of the photos. Lots of agitation about picking the right dresses with only 2 weeks to shop. As it turned out, the styles worn by everyone including the bridesmaids (who were told to where whatever they wanted, no matching dresses) were ALL over the place - some fancy, some less so. Some short and tight, some long and flowy. And in a cruel twist of fate, the weather that Memorial Day week-end in Philly was frigid - high of 45 degrees, and this was an outdoor wedding due to covid. We all wore our coats and the bride and groom handed out blankets to all the ladies so it REALLY didn’t matter what we wore!
After that experience I promised myself I would never stress so much again about what I wear to a wedding!!
My now widowed brother declined a wedding invitation for NYE that was black tie mandatory, for a family he is pretty close with. But he didn’t want to pay to rent a tux, get a room in the city at jacked up holiday rates, and then spend NYE all dressed up without a date (he didn’t get a plus-one.) If it had been a more casual reception, he would have been thrilled to attend. (As it turned out, the wedding was canceled the week of due to covid!)
For what? For liability, our venue had insurance and we were advised that if we wanted additional to get a rider for our homeowners. We looked into it, but decided the venue liability insurance was fine.
People have the right to plan what they like and invitees have the right to decline. Is it about having the people you want there - or their clothing?!
( in reality, probably 90%+ are going to be dressed as you wish they would!!)
@BunsenBurner I believe the one my D used was Wedsure (an Allianz company).
D knew a couple that had plunked down a healthy sum (> $40K–their 50% deposit less than 6 mos. prior to wedding) to the venue and caterer in Chicago, who went out of business a week later. They did NOT have wedding insurance and the lawyers told the couple they’d spend more in legal fees than they’d ever recover. No venue, no caterer, invitations already printed, contractual commitments to hotel, florist, DJ and photographer. It was an expensive nightmare. They ended up postponing for a year and ended up having a much smaller wedding—because that’s what they could then afford.
That incident made it a pretty easy decision for us. It was a relatively inexpensive item (in the whole scheme of wedding expenditures)…IIRC, $ 200ish…
So, we have a wedding date for my son! Only a year earlier than originally planned. We understand because when they tried combining their grad school schedules there was only one week available until the end of 2024. So they are getting married in Cabo August 20, 2023. It is going to be a VERY small wedding with abut 25 guests. So now we have to deal with dgs’s father and get him to allow my daughter to get him a passport. They weren’t married and don’t have a custody agreement because he doesn’t want to talk about it and she can’t afford a lawyer and is also putting her head in the sand. This could be the most stressful part of the wedding!
Too much drama for upcoming May wedding so be prepared ! Kids agonized about including some family members on our side because bride did not want to invite any family besides her dad and stepmom. Siblings on both sides are in the wedding party. We wanted to invite some family (10 at most altogether-small family, aunt’s, uncle’s, first cousins). That was resolved and they were all invited. Wedding will be about 100-120, mostly their friends. They are paying for lots themselves.
Sister in law on husband’s side initially said they would be attending the rehearsal dinner awhile ago but just said yesterday they will be only coming from out of state for the wedding. Okay, fine, but why did you not update me on that as you probably knew that weeks ago! Cousins (their children) were only invited to the rehearsal dinner because of her saying they would be coming. We were very stressed at figuring out rehearsal dinner maximum numbers for a small venue. And the rehearsal dinner invitations had already gone out!
One other rant as I can’t rant to the happy couple! We gave them thousands of dollars to go toward the rehearsal dinner and to apply the rest as needed. I told DIL months ago we did not need rehearsal dinner invitations to broadcast that Mr. and Mrs. so and so are hosting-that families would like you to join us, etc. would be fine. I said the RSVP’s can come to me, etc.
We got the rehearsal dinner invitations on Friday. They were very nice but it felt like we just other guests, not the parents of the groom!
“Please join us for a rehearsal dinner to celebrate” and then the couple’s name. And the RSVP directed them to email the bride!
Apparently, my husband is being asked to give a toast at the start of the rehearsal dinner. I guess that may be a time to thank people for coming . This is probably one of those things where I need to just chill! They are in their 30’s and seem to want to do their own thing. I only have sons and have felt a little left out so thanks for listening! I
It was okay, though - no side-eyes or judgment and everyone had a great time.
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