I am the mother of sons as well, I feel your pain. But weddings are not the place to make waves, because nobody is at their best and the possibility of a rift becoming permanent is real.
Ask your dil and son if there is something you can do to feel more part of the occasion, because you feel left out. Don’t demand, don’t request, just say gee, I wanted to have some sort of part and I feel sad. See what they say – sometimes dils thinkthey are sparing you, but in their 30’s you really are just an honored guest. Take whatever answer they give with grace and know that the day will be beautiful IF YOU LET IT. Complaining family? Shrug and say “it willbe okay”. The truth of weddings is 90% isn’t important, and you can let it go. Enjoy the day. Dance with your son (it’s a good chance to talk to him alone!!) and know you are his only mom, and nothing can displace that. Have fun!!!
Maybe I’m misreading here, but didn’t you say that your names didn’t need to be part of the invitation? And then they weren’t?
I have this saying that is easier said than done, but here goes: Sometimes you have to make the conscious decision to not be offended. Do you truly think that your ds and dil left your name off in purpose, as some kind of slight? I’m sure that’s not the case, right? Weddings are high-emotion events, and this is one of those times where it’s probably best to consciously decide to not be offended, ya know?
I absolutely would take the toast as an opportunity to put your twist on the festivities. Tell them you’d both like to give a toast or something like that.
(((Hugs))) We just went through a wedding last year. In some ways, it was nice to just see how it all unfolded. Not everything went as I would have preferred, but the kids are happy and most of these things just don’t matter in the long run.
My son and dil chose to have a very small rehearsal dinner. Only the wedding party, parents and grandparents. My sister was very offended and made a big fuss.
I talked to the kids but they were firm, the numbers would not change.
Sometimes you just have to let the kids take the lead. And as the previous poster said, choose not to be offended.
I didn’t read it as offended, mostly disappointed. We all have hopes for feeling part of a big event, and it’s hard to watch those evaporate without so much as an acknowledgment. For mog, we are especially aware that even in the 21st century, some brides consider us either competition or invisible.
I would not be upset since they followed your lead – you specifically said you didn’t not need the invitations to say you were hosting. By giving your H the toast to welcome people it should be apparent (to most people at least) that you are the hosts.
FWIW for my D’s wedding the groom’s family arranged and hosted the rehearsal dinner and my parents paid for brunch the next morning (I arranged it). We did not send invitations to either event – rather the invitations and RSVPs for those events (as well as the after-party which the kids paid for) were included on the website (visible only to those invited) where people RSVP’d to the wedding. Nobody was listed as the host for any of the events. The groom’s parent’s did give a welcome toast at the rehearsal dinner and my parents did not want any “billing” for hosting the brunch (although we offered).
It is an emotional time but try to take a deep breath. If your S is happy and marrying a nice woman nothing else is that important.
Yes, not offended, just feeling a little left out. I did specifically say, you don’t need to put our names on as hosts, but I did suggest that maybe the invitations could say something like please join the families for a rehearsal dinner to celebrate names of bride and groom. It just says please join us for a rehearsal dinner to celebrate. As I said, I am only mentioning these things here and don’t intend to bring anything up with the couple. I had offered help initially (looking for rehearsal dinner invitations, offered to have RSVP’s come to me ,research rehearsal dinner sites, etc ). Bride already had rehearsal dinner cards in mind, has the RSVP’s go to her email. They picked a place and bought it out for the weekend, so the rehearsal dinner will be at the inn, as will be the wedding. So, no role in researching or putting any personal spin on anything. I just envisioned a little more role somewhere, for something. But, it is their wedding and I am very happy for them. And getting excited for the wedding!
as for personalizing – you know how brides have something borrowed/blue/old/new? When S2 was little, he would worry before school and I sometimes gave him my watch as a security object. When he got married, he carried my watch in his suit pocket.
Maybe because most guests are their friends she thought it easier to have the RSVPs go to her. You might not recognize a name or know that Julie Jones and Matt Moore are a couple and that when she RSVP it really was for 2 people.
How about you hosting a really small breakfast on one of the mornings for just the relatives (his and hers) when the younger kids are busy getting ready (or sleeping in)? Hosting the manicures? Something small.
I have two daughters and really expect both groom moms to do more than I’ll do. My kids don’t usually want a lot of my input and both boys have mothers who are very (very) involved in their lives. My kids will just say “sure, fine” as they don’t care either.
Well, the breakfast is already included for those of us staying at the inn (which is the wedding party and family). And I haven’t had a manicure or pedicure in my life ! I am just going to let it go. I’ll get over it! At least we’re invited this time. Some may recall they already married in a very small outdoor ceremony during Covid(but pre vaccine) in front of a few local friends, no family. We could have gone but bride’s Immediate family could not have, so we were not invited. Immediate family did see by Zoom. So, at least I’m getting to see my son do this in person this time! And I’m thankful for that!
Ugh. I forgot about that! Now THAT would’ve made me mad/offended/all the negative words.
I will say that I have seen such a wide variety around rehearsal dinners, etc. I thought the formula was pretty set – dinner the night before the wedding right after the rehearsal, for the couple, officiant, wedding party and immediate family. My neighbor just went to a rehearsal dinner for her nephew’s wedding. The neighbor is one of eight kids so the rehearsal dinner rivaled the reception! And her son went, too. Did all the cousins go? That is a BUNCH of people.
My MIL hosted a “traditional” rehearsal dinner as described above but then also had a party for that group plus out-of-town relatives. It was a blast so I wanted to do something similar for ds1 and DIL. They didn’t want a rehearsal or rehearsal dinner but were OK with me doing a happy hour at their favorite brewery. The wedding was for about 100 people so I kept the happy hour to less than half that. Heavy hors d’oeuvres and an open bar and then the kids went to another brewery to see all their friends who had arrived. It was GREAT. The families got to meet before the wedding, and we didn’t take too much time away from what the kids planned. It was really meaningful to ds1, who almost cried when we surprised him with his favorite homemade dessert from an uncle who couldn’t make it. I hope you can find some touches to make this event feel a little “yours.”
Well, they already decided on the rehearsal dinner and welcome party afterwards, at the same venue (a luxury country inn) . They have everything planned out (and also have a wedding planner). Husband and I love breweries and would have loved to have had something at a brewery! But, everything is already planned out by the couple at the same venue and that is clearly what they want. And it is their wedding. I don’t plan to try to insert myself into anything at this point, as they have already planned everything out , to have what they want. And that’s okay.
I just was feeling a little sad and remember how many of you got to be very involved in your child’s wedding. That has not been the case for me. But, we are kept in the loop about how their planning is going. They just seem to want to plan things out themselves. We are not estranged at all, and really like our daughter in law. It’s all good!
You know, both sides of this make sense. You feeling a little left out of the process and THEY, as a married adult couple moving forward as such.
Now that your remind us of the original wedding, it seems that more than a wedding, maybe this is the party after the wedding? So because of that, it feels more like the party they are throwing (to them) than a wedding they are planning with their families?
It might feel weird to them as a married couple - in their 30’s - to be leaning or co-hosting the event with their parents?? If your relationship is good I would embrace that and then go forward embracing the moments of this special event. Afterwards, these little things in the planning will probably not be given a second thought.
Part of the reason they wanted to do another wedding , instead of just throwing a big party, was to involve the parents and their many out of town friends that could not be included the first time around. The bride, in particular, REALLY wants her dad to walk her down the aisle.
Even tho the brides parents live in Chicago, I turned to CC for help in finding an Italian restaurant for the rehearsal dinner. I also chose the hotel, sight unseen. I had made a date for the kids and her parents to see the hotel over T-day, but they didn’t go. Anyway, I gave the kids a check and they planned the menu. I also made welcome gifts for many guests. I’m a planner, but my part was limited.
The wedding was at a brewery. For $, they would offer small glasses of beer to the guests. I mentioned that to my son, and he said they already had that on their list.
I know my check covered the rehearsal dinner for 100+, because my son thanked me for that. I have no idea what her folks gave. It was all lovely. I walked my son down the aisle, and both her parents walked her down. No wedding cake, but warm cobbler and other choices.
Maybe I’m remembering it wrong, but I think there was something about how for some reason her parents couldn’t/wouldn’t be there so she didn’t want his parents there either. That felt unnecessarily punitive to his parents. It’s not their fault her parents weren’t there.
I think sometimes in order to be “fair” people take it too far. If I were her parents I would have said of course his parents should be there.
Yes, you’re remembering it correctly. I was confused myself about why we (within a half days drive) could not be there just because her parents were a plane ride away (it was pre vaccine) and could not. The bride told us it would make her “too sad” to have us but not her parents( dad and stepmom) there. When I posted about it here, many people thought it made sense for us not to be there if her parents could not be. I was very sad at the time to miss his wedding, knowing we could have easily gotten there and worn masks just like their local friends who did attend. At least the immediate families were able to see it via zoom (which I had to push a little for). Oh, well. That is over and done so moving on to this wedding, which we ARE invited to!
I hope we can move on from this topic. Examples of how lovely things were and how involved you were able to be with your child’s wedding, are just making me sadder. I was just trying to initially vent and truly want to move on. I am not getting what some of you had but I am just trying to look forward at this point. Thanks for the support and for listening!
Maybe I should amend my saying from “offended” to choosing to let it go.
I adore my DIL and her family. Truly. But during the wedding planning obvious differences emerged. It’s not a matter of right or wrong, just different. She comes from a small family. Dh and I come from large families. I think more of my aunts and uncles should’ve been invited. They wouldn’t have come, but it would’ve meant a lot to my mom. I mean, one of these uncles helped ds1 move into his first apartment, and we had T’giving at his house many years when the kids were little. Wasn’t invited. I think when you are from a small family it’s difficult to see how large families operate, coming and going but there for you nonetheless. That’s one of those things where I just let it go. And hey, if ds1 felt strongly he could’ve said something so I’m not putting it on her. It’s one of those things as a future MIL where you just have to roll with it.
No, no reason to delete your post. I was just venting and expressing feelings here because I don’t want to burden son and his wife with any of it. They are a lovely couple and I am so glad my son found her. I just never envisioned when I had kids (both boys) that I would not be seeing them marry in person. But, it happens and COVID initially put a wrench in lots of things. I’ll get over it ! Looking forward to this May wedding. It should be lovely and what THEY envision.
I am just going to let it go. I’ll get over it! At least we’re invited this time. Some may recall they already married in a very small outdoor ceremony during Covid(but pre vaccine) in front of a few local friends, no family. We could have gone but bride’s Immediate family could not have, so we were not invited. Immediate family did see by Zoom. So, at least I’m getting to see my son do this in person this time! And I’m thankful for that!
Now THAT would’ve made me mad/offended/all the negative words.