Momocarly,
I know what you mean about this being potentially the most stressful part. We went on a family reunion Christmas cruise that included Mexico and we did have drama with a divorced spouse not allowing children to go despite it being the year they were scheduled to have Christmas week with the parent wanting to go on the cruise…done in a very drama-producing way of not expressly forbidding it but also not signing the appropriate paperwork for Mexico (which required some kind of special release from the other parent in addition to the passport at least at that time) so it was kind of up in the air until very late and then those children could not come. Of course the parent who wanted to bring them did not come either and had the children at home for Christmas alone without the grandparents, aunts and uncles, and cousins they would usually see who were all on the cruise together. It seemed very spiteful on the part of the other parent, who was not even scheduled to see the kids that Christmas week at all, and who had no possible reason to fear that the other parent would use the trip as a way to keep the children out of the country.
@sevmom our daughter was didn’t want either of us parents to speak at all at her wedding…to welcome the guests or anything else. So…we didn’t. That was their choice.
But the surprise of the night was a song I sang in their honor with the band. So…she did get a little parent output!
Cool. As the mother of the bride awhile ago, did you have other input about the invitations , venue, costs, etc.
As the groom’s mother, I did not expect any say so in most things. But, I was just thinking I might have a slight role somewhere. They have been together since 2016, I had a strong sense it was leading to marriage. I was starting to Google rehearsal dinner ideas when 1. COVID hit and 2. It became clear fiancee had a clear vision about the whole thing. She mentioned the venue they ended up booking from the get go. Was it/ is it different in general for mothers of brides?
I don’t plan to surprise them with anything at the reception! I am not a dancer, for one thing. And I myself am not big on surprises! 
We may be doing a mother/son dance but haven’t settled on anything yet.
Yes. My daughter was actually in a different state when this wedding was planned. I was the point person here. But she made the decisions. We looked at venues together and costs. Invitations were custom and hand made by her mother in law (and were very nice and special). We searched florists and bands, and photographers getting input from others who had used vendors in the area. It was a wonderful time.
Both young women picked their own date/venue/etc. Big kid made a deposit on her venue as soon as it was open to be booked. I think it was her first and only choice, and she wanted a specific date memorable to her and her now husband. She and her husband drove the process. We wrote the checks, and we liked it that way. 
We visited a few places with little kid and her fiancé, but they picked what they wanted (my choice would have been different because it would have been less hassle, 
). Frankly, I do not enjoy being dragged into decision-making regarding flowers, dishes, colors, etc. which my little kid occasionally does. I’d rather write the checks and be done, lol.
Oh, and since there is no way to have a rehearsal of anything at the venue, we are not doing a rehearsal dinner. Fine by me!
Maybe that’s part of the issue. The bride’s family is out of state, but it is the stepmom who would have potentially been involved, not the mother. And the stepmom is a very busy surgeon. So. maybe that is one of the reasons daughter in law hired a wedding planner. DIL is very busy herself in a demanding graduate program. I would have been more than happy to help some, but any initial overtures were met with something along the lines of I/we have got this . I love her but I am not going to try to insert myself again into their plans/vision. I am just happy to go to the wedding this time and I’m confident they are considering us honored guests, we will end up in the pictures, etc. As I said, it’s all good!
Same. Wrote a check (actually transferred funds) but didn’t really need to know the nitty gritty details.
@sevmom, I understand that you feel left out. I get it. But I encourage you to embrace the idea that your S and DIL are just being the independent adults I suspect they are. That is a testament to you, who obviously had a role in raising an independent son. Relax and enjoy being a part of the day these two young people envisioned. You won’t need to worry or fret, you’ll have no clue if something doesn’t go quite as planned. You’ll just sit back and soak up the happy glow of the day. Enjoy!
Thanks. I thought i had made it clear that is my plan and just was venting, sharing some feelings. I am very much looking forward to the wedding festivities.
I do kind of regret though I posted on this. Most people chiming in had involved input in their child’s wedding, some before COVID. Or a fairly small , more family oriented thing during Covid. I could be wrong on that. I guess I may be an outlier with this.
I still appreciate that I was encouraged here to at least talk to my son about including immediate family(on both sides) in a live zoom for their 2020 wedding. DIL initially did not want to consider zoom at all but I pushed the issue with my son in a private phone conversation with him. That’s really as pushy as I ever tried to get on any of this. After all , he’s a grown man, as he likes to joke about.
I am thankful for the comments and support. I did not post to get total affirmation or pity! I am looking forward to the wedding!
No regrets - your feelings are valid. Emotions run high during wedding planning and on the actual day. Rare is the wedding where feelings don’t get hurt somewhere along the line, MOB’s & MOG’s alike. My feelings were a little hurt when my daughter decided not to announce the families at the reception (she just did the bridal party). She thought we would be indifferent to having our names announced and walking in to the applause. I didn’t argue the point, but would have liked that moment.
In our case, the MOG (bless her heart) had two of her sons get married in the same year. My daughter’s wedding was in the works first but had a Covid delay of a year, so MOG’s other son’s wedding ended up being first. MOG shared with me that her role in each of the weddings couldn’t have been more different. I am low maintenance, so I was more than happy to involve her in everything that I could. I think it’s silly in this day and age to put the groom’s parents in a corner while the bride’s parents take the spotlight.
For her other son’s wedding, the bride and her mother were in prime “queen bee” mode. MOG and FOG had no input and really no idea what was going on with the wedding as a whole or even where they needed to be on the wedding day. The only thing they did was write the check for the rehearsal dinner, and show up on the day of. MOG mentioned to me several times how appreciative she was to be involved in “our” wedding.
As far as the planning with my daughter - she is an uber organized, Type A planner. She did 99% but asked for my input every step of the way. I found the florist because the quotes she was getting were insane, but she did the rest. It’s funny because back in middle school, she wanted to be a wedding planner. She did a fantastic job and could totally pivot from finance to wedding planning, if she wanted (she says “never” because she couldn’t deal with high maintenance brides!)
I can’t wait to hear about your son’s wedding - I know it will be a great day!
Thanks so much, @CollegeNerd67 .
I don’t need to have a lot of input into any of my kids weddings, but I would just love them to chat with me along the way about what they have decided! Take me along for the ride but I don’t need the decisions! (S is married - the family wedding that started this thread - and 2 daughters still in the wings if they choose marriage!)
It looked from your post that started the thread that you were pretty involved with your son’s wedding? You mention going with the couple to the venue, meeting with the caterer, etc. Did you get less involved as time went by?
But I was along for the ride. They decided the venue, the caterer, the menu - all that. I didn’t spearhead much (the rehearsal dinner was sort of both sides of the family working together). If they invited me to go along I did but I would guess I would say I didn’t “own” any portions of the planning nor did I have “must have’s”. They would share what they wanted or planned and keep us in the loop, but we didn’t feel owed anything in the process.
Now that said, when I was asked to wash and dewrinkle the tablecloths they bought for the venue did I do that - yes. The helping hand, not the deciding hand.
They were in the same town as H and I and all her family was too. So maybe it’s easier to keep in the know when a lot is happening local.
@sevmom do not feel bad about posting. That’s what we are here for, to be a sounding board.
I did not have hardly any input or much information about my son’s wedding. My dil is a lovely person, I like her very much. But she is an engineer, my son is an engineer, they are very much a group of two. They had spreadsheets on everything, a way of doing their thing and wanted to do things their way. I chalk it up to their profession and the need to do things their way.
The MOB was very uninvolved, I’m not sure why. The kids didn’t want input but there were things that were difficult to navigate. One being who to invite on my family’s side. Even though we knew they wouldn’t attend, I did insist that my mom’s sisters be invited. The aunts assumed they would be, it was a easy solution. The rehearsal dinner I touched on earlier.
My son just had a baby. My dil is the same with the baby. We sat there and begged to help. She would decline and then ask my son (who was working) to do the things we could have done. My husband and I sat on our phones most of the time. It’s just who my dil is. But we do like her, she is very nice and loves my son so much.
But these stories aren’t that exciting. They are kind of embarrassing. I try.
So, sorry, @deb922 . Is your grandchild local to you?
Wedding planning is not in my wheelhouse and to be honest stresses me out. So for both my son and daughter I wrote a check and went along for the ride. But then I ended up being very involved with my daughter’s wedding because she was married just about two years ago and her 150 person wedding at a venue with a weekend full of activities quickly was changed to a 10 person family only wedding in my backyard. Target was the only thing open and Amazon was only delivering essential items so whatever Target had for decorations we used.
Just sharing some wedding stress. Our invitations went out a couple of weeks ago. The room block has filled and so has the hotel— the downtown hotel rates have shot up. I think our block rate was $180 per night and the nearby Courtyard is now $260 with a pre-paid room. If there are any rooms left, our hotel is at close to $500 per night.
We have some additional stress trying to figure out what guests might still need rooms although the RSVPs are not due until mid June.
We have asked our hotel to review our guest list to see who may have booked outside the block.
We are checking with the nearby Courtyard to see if we can put 10 rooms in a block there.
Let’s just say this is a situation we didn’t consider.
More tomorrow, I’m sure.
We attended our niece’s wedding recently - they had a block of rooms in two hotels, and added a 3rd hotel that was very close to the first two. There were 4 wedding parties at our hotel. The hotel rates were more reasonable than what your guests are facing (Madison WI).
Second wedding was in OH. No wedding cake. Donuts and cookies; they had a chocolate fountain and had s’more fixings. This was more shoestring budget - the only flowers were the bride/bridesmaid white floral bouquets put into the high glass vases for this purpose at the head table. Cheese and fresh fruit for appetizers. Low budget dinner (called pasta buffet; salad, 3 kinds of pasta, tomato sauce and meat sauce, meatballs.) The young people had a grand time with the dancing - groom up in the air on a chair; bride in the air (flat stiff body) - she is tiny.
Our 3rd and last wedding in these 3 weekends will be in Boston. It turns out I had enough points for our two night stay with Hilton, saving us a nice amount – even off the block rate. I hope it also includes the free parking, otherwise I will pay $57/night – I just saw a guy that parks in a lower level of that same hotel parking and arrives before 6 am to pay $27/night.
Also venues and caterers are taking advantage of all the charges – that young people will skip a cake due to cake serving fee. At niece’s wedding, she had cupcakes. She had more than 4X the amount of flowers she needed - it was way over on the flowers. We had a sumptuous dinner - the best I have had at a wedding. I was fine w/o cake, but she could have had the same bakery that made the very sumptuous cake I had for my wedding that was the best wedding cake I have ever had – back in my day, a few of the bride’s friends helped with cake serving. The chef at my place told the gals they were too slow, so he stepped in and they could barely keep up handing out the plates – my cake served 300 with 10 slices and the top of 5 layers left.
DD’s in-laws had negotiated hotel contracts before, and got free valet parking for DD’s wedding - which saved our wedding guests every time coming and going. We just had heavy tipping for the parking attendants. DD/SIL handled almost everything for their wedding. DH and I had given her the money; later DH asked her if she needed more and she said “we have it all handled in our budget”. Up to this point, DH has said that was the best wedding (besides ours 43 years ago) he has attended; will see what he says at the conclusion of the 3rd wedding.
The first two weddings were outdoor - both worrying about the weather, but had clear wedding during the nuptials.
Many young people have their own ideas of priorities.
Just had to pass this on…
a neighbor showed me her invite to an upcoming wedding. It had wording to the effect of:
“Please RSVP by May 30. If you chose not to RSVP and want to attend, please bring a sandwich and a chair.”
Neighbor said this is going to be a FUN wedding!