<p>In the training workshops I’ve presented over the years for aspiring college counselors, we always cover the thorny issue of dealing with prestige-mongering parents whose progeny will not qualify for an Ivy or its ilk. </p>
<p>One such mother even confessed to me that she sought therapy specifically to deal with the fact that her daughter would not be eligible for the same sort of “name” institution that she and her husband, as well as her older child, had attended. She poked fun at herself for the anxiety that this was causing, but headed for counseling to try to address it.</p>
<p>Thank you for the link. I was fearful that the piece was going to be about how the author overcame his reservations and eventually accepted the fact that his son preferred to attend Swarthmore instead of Dad’s Ivy League alma mater. Glad to find my fears were misplaced. Good article.</p>
<p>“As much as this is a heart warming essay, it still sounds a little like a man who is rationalizing his consolation prize.”
Actually, it’s written by a man who has unconditional love for his son, who loves him for who he is, not for his grades or test scores. Real parents don’t base their love for their child on his or her GPA . What does it matter what college your kid gets into? What matters is that you love them unconditionally. That’s why dogs are so awesome, and we can learn so much from them, like this young man has. Spending one’s life with dogs is a life well spent, probably better than spending it with a hedge fund.</p>
<p>TPTshorty: you should post in the comments on The Choice blog on <a href=“http://www.nytimes.com”>www.nytimes.com</a> </p>
<p>on another note, I think this should be required reading for all of us involved in this process: parents, college counselors, and, yes, even teachers…</p>
<p>This same thing happened to me but because of the expenses. There are always other opportunities such as grad school to go to any ivy anyway. And if he never wants to do anything like that, he can still be incredibly successful. If the whole country became researchers then we would never be productive.</p>
<p>My dad got his PhD at age 56 after a long and productive career teaching in a high school, while raising his kids. Nobody could have seen that when he was 14. He went on to become a professor at a university.</p>
<p>My father was the Benjie in this story. His dad had been successful and his brothers went to Brown, U of M, and NYU. My dad dropped out of one of the worst colleges in the state after less than a semester. He liked to work with his hands, not in a desk. However, when he and his (now ex) wife found out they were expecting, he got his computer certification and got an almost 6-figure job in the late 80s. He hated it though. He and his wife got a divorce and he moved back to Michigan. He then worked as a plumber for the next 15 years, until a drunk driver took away his ability to work. </p>
<p>My dad’s brothers are all far and away richer than he is. But they are MISERABLE. They are all in unhappy marriages doing work they hate. My cousins all dislike their parents and can’t wait to get out of the house. I love my parents. We were never rich, by any stretch of the imagination. In fact, we straddled poverty my whole life. But we were happy. We made due with what we had. I started working as a plumber when I was 14. When I decided to go to college, it was a hard choice because I didn’t know whether or not I want to become a master plumber or go to college. My parents were great through the whole thing. They were there with advice, but never pushed me. I will graduate with a BS and a BA in a few years. I was able to freely explore what topics in school I wanted, without pressure from parents. I am extremely happy in college and I am doing exactly what I want to do. I have friends that are miserable because their parents are only paying for their schooling if they major in exactly what the parents want them to major in. Most of those people have GPAs barely above a 3.0. My GPA is 3.7+ because I am in classes I want to take, learning exactly what I want to learn. </p>
<p>Bravo to this father. I hope parents take his advice :).</p>
<p>ETA:
Oh, and yes 14 year olds will change drastically. At 14, I was convinced I was going into medical research and was going to go on a full basketball scholarship. After playing basketball for one year at high school, I decided I hated it. I was good and my team was nearly undefeated, but it just wasn’t what I wanted to do. I then took a chemistry class and decided I hated that as well. I ended up stopping math in my junior year (calc) and science in the first semester of my senior year (blow-off environmental science) because I found a passion for humanities and ancient cultures. I also ended up doing theater for the rest of my high school years (something I had NEVER been interested in until my boyfriend made me go to a tech session one day with him after school). High school is a time when people can (and do) change drastically.</p>
<p>I’ve read a couple of comments suggesting that it’s a story about a dad trying to make peace with the fact that his son is not the brightest of the bunch. I think of it differently, I see it more like a “when life gives you lemons” story. You are supposed to work with what you have, and get the most you can out of life. I find it to be a beautiful story, and having lived through the whole “parents living through you” experience, I really do believe it might be hard thing -even to know at kid’s 14 years- that he will not do anything you’d want for him.
I’m no expert on schools or education. But I’m very keen of the fact that sometimes high price tag schools or the most prestigious school are overrated. You are supposed to use the school to get the best out of it -education, reasearch or work opportunities- at a price you can pay. Specially at undergraduate level. Specially in this economy. I wouldn’t dream of leaving school with a $100,000+ debt, with a degree that still needs more degrees to round it up and in this economy (few jobs, low pay, etc). One should do what works for them. I really think we shouldn’t be too judgy, and accept that what is the common path/dream of many, might not be the best choice for everyone else. FIT is everything: what you dream of doing, what your interests are, where you picture yourself living for the next 4 years, money issues, social issues, etc etc. :)</p>
<p>Honestly, if the son has no interest in a high prestige field, there is no reason why he needs to shoot for a top school. If he wants to be an engineer, he might as well go to a community college for two years and then transfer to his state’s public school. If he wants to be an accountant or any other middle class worker he could do likewise. </p>
<p>But if he does want to enter a prestigious field, then going to a top college is to his benefit.</p>
<p>An aside, but I was interested to see this: <a href=“By%20the%20way,%20Benjie%20reviewed%20the%20essay%20in%20advance%20and%20gave%20it%20an%20enthusiastic%20thumbs%20up,%20his%20father%20says.”>quote</a>
[/quote]
</p>
<p>Also, I would be a little queasy if I saw my child referred to as
or
I know, the reasonable retort is the article is published and open to comments and the writer is sophisticated and knows that. It is just that I am always curious about writers opening their children to such scrutiny.</p>
<p>I don’t get the feeling that the author is writing his son’s story in stone at all, but I do dislike the use of a child’s struggles as material for a story, with or without the permission of said child. His kid may be fine with it today, but not tomorrow. First, do no harm. I mostly dislike the part where he is comparing himself at age 14 to his own son. One should never do that.</p>
<p>There is something that rubs me the wrong way about the article. I like the son, but the father not so much. Is it such a terrible thing that his son won’t go to an Ivy that he feels compelled to write about it in the NYT? He should get over himself, all children are a gift and unique. If this is the “worst” issue he has to to deal with as a parent he should consider himself lucky. Sounds very narcissistic.</p>
<p>I disagree with the posters above. The feel I got from the article is that he USED to believe that he was settling with a consolation prize, but that in time he grew to learn that his son had his own unique talents and personality. His regret is that he didn’t see it sooner. He wants to use his experience to help other parents in his situation.</p>
<p>I think that the poster has come to the realization and finally accepts the fact that he needs to love the child he has, not the one he wishes he had.</p>
<p>^ I agree that that is what the article is about and have no issue with the underlying sentiment. Still, a parent IMO should not share his own insecurities at his child’s expense. It seems very self-serving, even if it is supposedly for the greater good of the reading audience. My bias is that not everything is for public consumption, even if one is a writer.</p>
<p>I emailed this to both of my parents immediately after reading. I have some Ivy League aspirations and sometimes my parents’ expectations (who have admitted to “living vicariously” through me) are more daunting than any SAT test.</p>