<p>I feel like a lot of Ivy league students are bred for success from an early age, thanks in large part to parents… I read an interesting article in the LA times about how ivy-league mania has caught on in China as well :</p>
<p>I guess the point of what I’m saying is, are you helping your children to reach their maximum potential, or preventing them from developing into their own person?</p>
<p>I didn’t see the author as self serving, but rather musing about the differences between himself and his son, and learning to find a happy medium. JMO</p>
<p>1st: love the kid on the couch . . . not the kid in your head</p>
<p>2nd: the dad in that essay made what for him are great strides to get over his Ivy obsession . … but he’s still got a looooong way to go, given that he’s obsessed - when the kid is 14!!! - with college essays . . . but, hey, if that’s his biggest problem these days, that’s a great life :-)</p>
<p>3rd: there is so much obsession with Brand Name schools here, as if going to anything less than HYPed school is a problem . . . that’s shallow thinking at its most generalized and rationalized: “since HYPed schools are considered the best for everything, my kid should go there”, as if what the kid is interested in or the kind of school they would thrive in doesn’t matter</p>
<p>I am sure the author was well-intentioned here and the message is certainly a good one for some parents to hear. What I meant by self-serving is in the sense that he was more focused on sharing his own feelings and writing an article for publication than with a concern that his son may one day come to regret an article that revealed personal details about his issues to the world. It’s fine for anyone who wants to publicize his or her own life - go ahead and share. But it is, IMO, another matter when you are talking about a minor child. He might take a very different view of this one day (or he might not) - the point is the dad does not necessarily know. I do think we are all desensitized to issues like these because of media influences and all the oversharing that has become rampant in our culture. </p>
<p>I also think it would have been one thing if more time had elapsed, the son was older, and this was a retrospective story. But this teenager is only 14, and still very much a work in progress.</p>
<p>Both of my kids were anti-Ivy and anti-preppy from long ago, and neither aspired to attend an Ivy. They were “influenced” in their thinking in part by the climbing of some of their cousins (who on the whole did well by themselves in that respect – Princeton, Stanford, Brown – and have done well since then). We, as parents never promoted the Ivy or super-reach idea. Goodness knows they had enough on their plates in high school without having such golden targets hung on their shoulders. They went to a couple of pretty awesome colleges and never second-guessed their choices.</p>
[quote]
What I meant by self-serving is in the sense that he was more focused on sharing his own feelings and writing an article for publication than with a concern that his son may one day come to regret an article that revealed personal details about his issues to the world.[/quote</p>
<p>His son okayed the article before he published it. And the author doesn’t reveal that many personal things about the kid - how many Benjamins are there out there that are called Benjie? Thousands. He gave a very positive portrayal of his son - one that his son approved before he published it. Writers write about their personal lives all the time; look at the success of Marley & Me and how much John Grogan wrote about his wife (some of which was unflattering).</p>
<p>I enjoy his writing style and have read two of his books. I enjoyed them both. “What it Takes to Pull Me Through” particularly resonated.
He makes a nice living with his writing and his counseling. Many of us on CC should do as well!</p>
<p>I know that his son okayed the article - but he is young and it doesn’t mean he won’t come to regret that choice when he’s older. I think we are all very used to seeing this kind of sharing here on CC, but the big difference is that the author is not an anonymous person using a screen name - the article is under the father’s real name which I assume is the son’s as well. </p>
<p>Your point about writers using their own lives as material is true. It’s funny you mention John Grogan - because that is an example that came to my mind when I was trying to think of other examples of this kind of thing. I seem to recall a point in the movie when Jen calls him out on using the details of their personal lives for his columns. Ditto the Howard Stern movie, Private Parts. But it certainly wasn’t a positive in either of their personal relationships at the time, and these are adults. I guess I draw the line with anything having to do with the privacy of children and I do think it goes over the line, but that is my own bias. But if his kid remains fine with it, and it was therapeutic for the relationship, then that is their business. </p>
<p>Dad has a ways to go yet to go on his journey of acceptance. He’s OK with the prospect that his son’s future college won’t be one of those that rejects a high percentage of its applicants. But he still assumes that there will indeed be a college in his son’s future.</p>
<p>He’s given us a loving portrait of a delightful adolescent who has considerable gifts that cry out for development outside the classroom. </p>
<p>Having been a first generation college student, I understand how baffling it can be to parents to have a child who choses a path that’s not familiar to them. But I think upper middle class parents have a harder time in a lot of ways than my lower middle class parents did in coming to terms with a child who yearns for a life that differs from what they know.</p>
<p>Since the writer is rendering the judgement , even at age 14, that the son will not (ever) do thus and such - go to an ivy school - he seems to be under that same trap of over-controlling and over-expecting that he is attempting to criticize. </p>
<p>As some posters have said above, maybe the kid might circuitously end up in some variation on “ivy” ( I assume the writer does not literally mean, by Ivy, a college in the Ivy athletic conference out east, but could be a college that is very hard, with high standards, too. for that kid, this could be University of SE MAine, for example, studying whales - and this wd be as darn good and as high end as Brown. ) </p>
<p>But , who knows, at 14, where the kid’ll end up over the course of his life?</p>
<p>I really love how the son does not want to go to an Ivy League simply because it is an Ivy League…However, i do agree that a C won’t cut it with colleges. I admire how he does not feel the need to get into a “name” school, but the son should try harder.</p>
<p>I saw this thread featured on the forum main page, and I found the blog post truly well-written and down-to-earth. The following reply got me thinking…</p>
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<p>My response comes from a daughter whose parents have done exactly that. I am 17 and for my entire life I have been extremely stubborn and determined to follow my “own path,” whatever that may be. For many years, my persistence caused an extremely high amount of disagreement with my parents, but over time, they began to accept my ways, and ultimately, accept me, for who I was. </p>
<p>I do have to say, though, that freedom comes with pretty strong drawbacks - many times, I have broken down in pain and regret because I made my own decision that didn’t yield desired results, while if I had listened to my parents, I would have gotten better results. Upon telling this to a teacher whom I trust deeply, he told me that he admired me for being so strong and persistent with my own ideas - because even though I have followed my own path for all of these years rather than my parents’, I have still done really well overall. Objectively, this is true: I’ve done well in school, placed at the top of the state in various math contests, and work/practice at a local yoga studio that has helped shape who I am for the past three years. But negative consequences feel a lot harsher when I take sole responsibility for all action and intention, with no outside influence from parents. </p>
<p>No matter what, I am endlessly appreciative of the freedom that my parents have given me, because it has allowed me to figure out what works for me and what doesn’t work, even if I have to stumble along the way. I feel like my process is more powerful because it is more uniquely my own. And the entire way, I know that my parents will always support me - I know that they trust me deeply and will be there for me. Ultimately, as a daughter whose parents have been at all positions on the overbearing vs. completely accepting scale, I can say that there are positives and drawbacks for both sides, but in the end, it all comes down to the child’s personal choice. Parents can only influence their children, but it is the children themselves who make the final decisions as to what they do and who they become.</p>
<p>****, i was like that Benji kid until my dad whooped me into shape and gave me a long winded lecture about the trials and tribulations it took to raise me. From that day (7th grade), I’ve been taking school more seriously and my motivation is making my dad proud.</p>
<p>I’ve been seeing this thread featured at the top of the Parents’ Forum for a while, and I just realized what’s hitting me about it: the title of the article.</p>
<p>A Father’s “Acceptance.” </p>
<p>I wonder if he meant to make that pun - one of his points is that he has to get over that it’s not HIS acceptance in the long run. I’m not sure he really has.</p>