A happy money question, about 2 kids...

Parents Forum
1

<p>I would love to get your opinion on something:</p>

<p>We have 2 boys, one in college already and one weighing his admissions currently. We are full pay. We have told the kids that we will pay for their undergraduate school. Further, any money they receive in scholarships, they can use half towards graduate school (if they decide to attend someday). Other than that, they should not count on us to contribute toward graduate school. (Our thinking was that maybe we would give them a little living money during grad school, but we don't want them to count on it.)</p>

<p>Both kids college options are basically $60K per year, to use round numbers for comparison purposes.</p>

<p>DS1's top choices were: 1) a top 15 school which is one of the top 5 for his major and 2) a top 25 school which has his major but is not known for it at all, with a $22K per year ($88K total) merit scholarship. I think he actually liked the lifestyle at the school not known for his major very much, but recognized the opportunities that would be available at a top school in his major and choose the school with no merit $.</p>

<p>DS2's now has several great choices, many top 15-25 schools with strong programs in his major. It looks like he may choose the one that has offered him a full tuition scholarship. It is one of his top 3 choices and he does not feel he is not giving up anything by choosing this school. (He does have some more highly ranked in his major, but they are not among his favorites.) If he chooses this option, he would be getting a scholarship valued at $45K per year ($180K total). So, based on our agreement, he would have $90K to use towards graduate school. </p>

<p>It is equally likely that both kids will attend graduate school. </p>

<p>My question is: do you think we should offer DS1 some amount towards graduate school? We are saving $180K from DS2's education costs. DS2 will get the $90K we promised him for grad school. DH and I feel that DS1 absolutely made the best choice of schools by picking the school very strong in his major that didn't give him any scholarship money.</p>

<p>We are considering offering DS1 $45K toward grad school.</p>

<p>Thank you for your opinions. We have the money, but have always felt that the kids should take ownership of their education after undergrad. But now that we are giving one kid $90K, I am thinking it would be nice to give the other $45K.</p>

2

<p>Is there any chance that either will get funding for grad school, making all of this moot? Some fields do fund grad school, particularly for top students. We are waiting and seeing with our kids, because S’s employer and field often pay for grad school. Know many others who were awarded substantial merit for grad studies.</p>

3

<p>I would say no. You made the deal with the boys and boy 1 chose to not take advantage of that choice. It was his choice and he could have had money for grad school if he wanted. I also say this is why making deals like this usually come back to kick you in the butt :D. Unless you have twins or kids going off to college at the same time, you just never know what the next one will do. </p>

<p>I’ll add on to HImom’s point, what if son 2 gets a fully funded grad school program, will you just give him the 90K? I guess in that situation I would give the kids money for a down payment on a house but maybe you have funds for that already??</p>

4

<p>I would say don’t make any promises now. One he is through college, and determines what he’s going to do, you can always “surprise” him with some help. It might even make him more frugal in his decision if you don’t offer this before he even applies.
Do you have any idea how S2 will feel, since he chose a cheaper school, and getting that money may have been a factor?</p>

5

<p>If you can afford to help pay for some of S1’s grad school, imo, you should. I don’t think everything a parent does for their kids has to be equal.</p>

6

<p>mnopqr…Stick to your original plan. Your S’s understood the terms as they were laid out. Let them make their choices accordingly. Let them make their own decisions and live with the results. </p>

<p>We saved equal amts. (that of an instate public) for both our S’s to attend college.
They were told if they got scholarships for college, any money left in their college savings would be their’s upon graduation. They each had their own acct. in their respective names that we funded equally starting when they were infants.</p>

<p>S1 did well in h.s… got a fullride(NROTC+merit $) and worked a p/t job. He was literally self-sufficient.
S2 was full pay, did not have a job in college and spent extra attending summer sch. for 2 summers. He was never the same caliber of student as S1 but did OK.</p>

<p>Both attended instate public universities</p>

<p>S1 graduated w/ most of his savings (minus buying a used truck while in college).
S2 graduated with just a few K left in his acct. </p>

<p>We never considered telling S1 he would have to share his larger amount w/ S2.
We laid out the plan early on. They were advised of it before entering h.s. and many times throughout. They knew the deal. </p>

<p>We felt no guilt in S1 coming out with much more money than S2.
S2 thanked us for allowing him to graduate debt free and was happy w/ the 5K left in his acct.</p>

7

<p>Thank you for your viewpoints on this. It has been interesting to read everyone’s perspectives.</p>

<p>(The money we have set aside is for education only and will not be gifted to them as cash or for a car or a house downpayment. Our intention is to pay for schooling, to the tune of $240K for each kid. If they don’t need it for schooling, then it becomes ours for our retirement. The deal to split the value of any scholarships, half to us and half to them for graduate school, benefits both of us and was intended as an incentive to work hard/do well and also put in the effort to apply for the scholarships.)</p>

8

<p>Yes, DS2 (with the scholarship) tells us he may not need the money for grad school. He is planning to try to get an employer to pay for it.</p>

9

<p>I told S2 that we may help S1 a little bit if we can. He has no problem with it. He is happy with his choice and I do not believe settled for the school because of the scholarship. It was one of his top 2 choices (out of 14) all along in the application process (before the scholarship was awarded). </p>

<p>I was concerned he might have regretted not choosing the other school in his top 2, but the scholarship money comes with being part of a program with perks that he would not get at the other school, so I think that was very attractive to him (in addition to the money). At the other school, he would be just one of a large number of people in his program.</p>

10

<p>If it’s just money, and you have it, spend it as you see fit. Kids are always different, have different needs and aspirations, and they should be considered uniquely. If one was disabled, would you offer a wheelchair to the other one?</p>

11

<p>I say do what you want with your money. I don’t think the money spent on each child has to be exactly the same - they’re not the same person, right? My only guide is whatever you do or don’t do, make sure you have no regrets later.</p>

12

<p>We’re also full pay with two kids. Much like how we’ve parented all along, the kids get what they need. For instance, if one child outgrew sneakers, the other child did not also get a pair. We did not do even steven. What we offered was, college of your choice undergrad and go to the best school that fits your needs.</p>

<p>If my second doesn’t go to as expensive as a school, I’m not giving the difference. </p>

<p>I’ve made no promises on grad school. If you can do full pay for two kids, you probably aren’t hurting financially, but it doesn’t mean you need to put their education ahead of other things.</p>

<p>If one goes to grad school and the other doesn’t, I’m not giving the other a down payment on a house. If I’m in the position to help, I will. </p>

<p>To me the gift is the undergrad education, not the amount you spent for it.</p>

13

<p>Sounds like you don’t have to make any decision right now. I don’t know what your family dynamics are but I know several people who decades later resent their parents because of perceived unequal expenditures among siblings for schooling, weddings, house down payments. I agree with the poster above- make sure you will have no regrets.</p>

14

<p>I think it is generous for you to give S1 money for grad school should he need it and I would do it if I had it. (But my D did get a funded program.) I agree with you that he made the right choice to take the school stronger in his major, rather than take a scholarship that would give him grad money, but not strong. The strong school in the major will be a factor in his acceptance to grad school. Would be nice to start into the work force with a bit of that debt softened. Sounds like S2 is making a great choice.</p>

15

<p>We are “waiting and seeing” how things will evolve for our kiddos. At the moment, neither is applying to grad schools and S has an employer who with a program to fund grad schools that S has NOT looked into as far as we know.</p>

<p>D is trying to find herself more experience before she decides whether they needs or wants ANY more school. She didn’t get merit $$, though S did and both attended same U. Because his merit $$$ added up to about $100K, he was significantly less expensive than D was, but both got their bachelor’s degrees from the same U.</p>

<p>If you want to live in HI (or other places with high housing costs), many folks do need some help to be able to afford to buy any housing. We probably will help them with that, as we want them to be able to live comfortably.</p>

16

<p>A lot of this will depend on how things are done and work in your family. I am inclined to agree with Mini. But it’'s easy for me to say, because for all the issues we have had with our kids, they aren’t jealous of what their brothers get. There is no feeling of having to equalize gifts. Very communist family here in terms of giving; to each according to need, from each according to ability. My older ones want to chip in so that the youngest can go to the school of his choice without the cost constraints we have. </p>

<p>We were om differemt situations with each of ours so it would have taken a lot of contortions to treat every alike. Many differences in expenditures among them, not perceived but actual,and they all had things that were particular to each of them.</p>

17

<p>when grad school came around it was much higher than we thought- we paid for it because we could and to give D1 a good start- she did well and ‘owned’ her education well. D2 undergrad was way higher in just 6 years than D1 was. alot of costs change and if your heart is in the right place I don’t think the kids will hold it against you if all is not the same for each kid.</p>