<p>DD attends private college. Son may attend said private college, or big public U's with varying amounts of scholarships (including a full-ride.) We pay less than we would pay at our state big-U for DD at private college, and she has no loans/workstudy. We will have to pay substantially more if DS attends private school, as our income is gradually going up and our household number is going down, plus he will have to take out $15,000 in personal loans by graduation. Part of me would like to encourage him to take the free-ride. (In total, it will end up saving us and him a total of about $75,000 over the private U). Part of me grapples with the issue of fairness; is it fair to encourage him to go to the free-ride school if we can, barely and with some loans, afford the private U? I actually feel that a big U is an environment he will enjoy more... he likes football and such. Do you compensate the child you spend less on, because you spent more on the sib? (buy him a car if he chooses the free-ride? Buy him half a car if he chooses the 1/2 tuition scholarship flagship U? Consider it "each to his needs" and give him some pizza spending money?) I'm interested in your take on this.... for fun, for thought, for perhaps I've overlooked some things. Just FYI, we will make a spreadsheet when the financial aid packages come in, and discuss together (son and parents) our options. Nothing will be foisted on the boy! Now, please tell me what you've done or are planning to do!</p>
<p>I think your ideas are fair. If you think he can get a great education at all his choices, why not offer him financial incentives? I would rather give the money to my kids than to the schools. (I offered my kids choices. My bribes didn't work :)).</p>
<p>"I offered my kids choices. My bribes didn't work"</p>
<p>LOL, same here...</p>
<p>We have told each child they are responsible for 10% of their college costs (tuition, room, board, books) and 100% of spending money. This way they have a financial stake in choosing an expensive private or an inexpensive public, but not so large a stake that it puts it out of reach if the more expensive school is really important to them. While 10% may not seem like much, it has made them focused on the costs and eager to work enough to not need loans. </p>
<p>S1 chose in-state flagship public and loves it (so far at least--only a first year). S2 doesn't have the grades for S1's school and frankly at the rate he is going may not have the grades to go to the next tier in-state. It will not be fun to spend top dollar on sending an unmotivated student to an expensive private, but probably will happen. (We will not be eligible for any aid.) We will get to see firsthand whether those vaunted colleges that change lives can actually do so. He does have a summer job (last year and already lined up for this year), is good at football, and has many other lovely attributes. Studying just isn't one of them.</p>
<p>We make/plan on making each kid responsible for all personal spending money/books, etc. - but we paid tuition/room &board and family cell phone plan for DD.</p>
<p>IMO, you should approach the needs of each child as an individual. If the big public U was not a good option for your D, then you are doing what is best for her by sending her to a private college and if that decision affects the money available for the next kid, then that's just the way it is. </p>
<p>If S can flourish just as easily at public U, and enjoy the football scene, as well, and also make the financial strain easier, I don't think you're slighting him by urging him in that direction. You try to allow him to find the best college fit that you can comfortably afford. On offering an incentive, I think it's fine as long as he makes a college choice for reasons that are right for him and not because it means he gets a hot new car. What I would consider doing is telling him that if he takes the free or close to free ride, you will put aside a certain sum of money that will be his to spend as he chooses upon graduation --- a trip, a new car, or maybe at that point he may want to start a business or buy a condo and need a down payment.</p>
<p>We also mentioned setting aside the cost difference between public UC and private college to S1, but he didn't take the bait either. He knows, though, that grad school will be on him since we'll have S2 in college by then.</p>
<p>"Fair" is an elusive concept when dealing with multiple siblings with differing needs at different times. </p>
<p>If the situation is that you are paying less for the first child because of financial aid that you will no longer qualify for -- then rather than think of it in terms of college A vs. college B., you might think of it terms of the dollars spent, adding in a reasonable allowance for inflation. In other words if you contributed $12K annually for the education of the first child, then maybe its reasonable to budget $15K or $18K for the second -- but that's very different from $40K. </p>
<p>I told my kids I would pay the cost of the public U; if they could get financial aid from private schools to meet that cost, then of course they could go there. It sounds to me like that "rule" would work for your kids, whether or not your son get the free ride scholarship -- since you say that the cost for your daughter was less than the cost of the public. </p>
<p>Anyway, if you tie the issue down to money and are direct with your son, then he will know what the options are. He should make his choices among the schools that his family can afford and is willing to pay for -- but as parent I think that once you have specified those limits, you should do no encouraging one way or the other -- let him make the choice.</p>
<p>I'm a little uncomfortable with the idea of giving each child X dollars. We are willing to pay for the right education for our kids (although they have some responsiblity also). If that means x dollars for one kids and 2x dollars for the other, that's just the way it is. We're not giving them the money, and if one chose not to go to college, he wouldn't get the cash instead. We are giving them an education, not money.</p>
<p>As far as cars go, I'm not sure what we'll be doing, but I don't think we'd offer a child a car instead of private tuition. If it makes sense for your son to have a car to get to and from school, that's different. But I don't like the idea of school #1, school #2 or a brand new car. That's just the way we look at it.</p>
<p>Fair is not necessarily equal. We tried the bribes (financial and other) as well. They didn't work. If we had planned on putting financial limits on our second child's college selection, we would have done so BEFORE the applications were sent, not after the acceptances were in. We made a decision with child #2 (and #1 for that matter) to allow them to apply to the schools understanding that the finances were something we would have to undertake if necessary. Both kids have contributed to their educations, earned all spending money including for books, and will take the stafford loans in their names each year. We tried the bribe with DD...any car she wanted and the purchase of a condo in the college town where she got the huge scholarship (yes....we would still have saved money!). Didn't work...she doesn't bribe. I guess that's a good thing.</p>
<p>there is a second part to this situation..the total four years if your FA situation changes. As your income goes up the cost of the private school could then jump beyond what you expected. It sounds like you've considered the effect, but unless you are very sure just how much the income will go up, it's taking a chance.
Merit money stays the same.<br>
I am in a state of high anxiety over the FA situation and wish they'd just send the papers and be done with it. DS is the type of kid to be happy at the state U. , which is great.
As a side note - the biggest boosters for our state U that I've talked to are doctors and lawyers. They've dealt with the reality of big loans, and feel that a good state U. will get you into a great grad program, so why spend now.</p>
<p>We have three kids who are four school years apart. Our first child selected an expensive private school and we where hit with a large bill for his freshman year. Our second child selected a large state university on full scholarship...we didn't push her...she just really liked it. Our income went up a bit from the first year to the second, but our older child's private school offered much more financial aid in his sophomore year because we now had two kids in college. They never asked where she went to school or if she had scholarships. Our hope is that when our third enters college, we'll get even more aid from #1's private school, continue #2's scholarships at the public school, and hopefully get a break on the third. I hope this works for other families with kids close in age too!</p>
<p>I have heard of families who offered cars to stay in state, etc. I know one family (many years ago) where the kid was accepted to Harvard Law School and the dad offered a car to stay near home (CA) -- because he was afraid she'd leave and never come back, etc. She did not take the car and ended up settling around 400 miles from home. So far, we've had one kid at a public university near home and one at a private across the country. It was the right decision for each kid. I've always told my kids that each kid gets their needs met (within reason) -- not someone else's. The older kid never complained about the younger kid having higher college costs because he was very happy with his own college experience. But I do think it would be very hard to say to my younger kids that they could not go to a private school, if that's what they wanted, after their sister got to.</p>
<p>sjmom--I had this vision of "Door #1, no, Door #2, no, I'll take the car!"</p>
<p>We have managed to do what seemed best for each child and actually spent the most on the first one b/c it was the best fit for her, even tho the most expensive option. So despite rising tuition costs, kids #2 and 3 have been less expensive. No one has opted for the all-expenses-paid NMF deal though! Maybe we'll be lucky with #4?</p>
<p>mommusic, I originally had "door # 1 etc" but I changed it because I didn't want to make light of the question!</p>
<p>Great minds think alike, or fools run in the same circles?</p>
<p>I trust my thoughtful response made up for my uncontrollable levity!</p>
<p>I'll go with "great minds think alike." lol</p>
<p>The rest of your post is in line with our thinking -- you just make the best decision you can for each child.</p>
<p>We struggle with this concept also. The actual price of the middle child's education comes out the best because of over lap with older and younger sibling. So should 3rd child not be able to attend a more expensive school based on birth order?</p>
<p>I'm just glad that if parents are "bribing" (with cars or saved money upon graduation) that they're bribing between 2 college choices! When my mother (first gen with unschooled immigrant parents) wanted to go to college, her mom feared that "no man would want to marry her if she got too smart." That was the conventional wisdom in the neighborhood in 1939, anyway. My worried grandmother offered to buy my mom a fancy coat if she'd only NOT go to college. My mom turned down the coat. Actually, she met my dad in college. So much for the neighbors.</p>
<p>AM, I think the phrase "each to their needs" in your OP is the operative phrase. If one needed expensive medical care through childhood, would you give $$$ to the other kid in compensation? I don't think so. You try to meet the needs of each one. If you have to set overall financial parameters, do so. But if one goes to a private school because of fit and the other goes to public, that's the way the chips play. I may just be an ornery hardass tonight, but I wouldn't give the car. However, I might quietly give the second some assistance with a mortage or make up some differential in another manner down the road <em>if it seems like an equitable thing to do</em>. (I'm not wild about cars and freshmen anyway and a lot of schools prohibit frosh from having them. There's enough to adjust to anyway and if you don't have the car you can't be inveigled into making the beer run for the group or whatever...use your imagination...don't use mine, it's probably overactive.)</p>
<p>P3T: conventional wisdom is overrated. It necessarily leads to conventional results. I'm happy for your mom...and indirectly, you. :)</p>
<p>All imo. YMMV.</p>
<p>We are going to be dealing with this situation as well. We don't think that fair means treating them the same. Zoosergirl is going to a state school for a five-year master's with a nice scholarship and the total package will be less than $9,000 (including generous spending cash). Some of you may remember that ZG struggled on the SAT and scored less than 1500 on all three sections (although the ACT was good) and plans to be a teacher. We told her that if she accepted this spot, we would buy her a car when she is ready to student teach. Now Zoosersister is a whole other kettle of fish. She scored a 1940 on the PSAT this year as a freshman, is in an IB program and a separate program that will allow her to take six college classes in high school and has some cool ECs. She does not want to be a teacher, she plans to go to law school and run for high office some day and will (I think) be looking at a lot of urban schools. We feel it would be fair for us to pay more for her college because her dreams and plans are very different and we want to help her achieve whatever goals she sets. We will not, however, purchase a car for her and we expect that she will work for spending cash and understand that she may come out of college with a small amount of debt. We haven't decided as a family how to approach law school, though.</p>