A manifesto for the imperfect parent

Parents Forum
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<p>I did raise my kids to help them maximize their potential, not to go to an Ivy (which they don't) but to help them learn to actualize and realize their dreams. I think this is a habit, and one they could learn early.</p>

<p>I think I may be the kind of mom the OP is satirizing, but I feel happy that I supported my son to reach the level on the violin he did, and my daughter to write and make an incredible argument. She chaired her school mock trial team. I would not have tried to get them to do anything they didn't want to, but I did stress the discipline to carry through on their own intentions. This did make them candidates for the wonderful schools they now attend, but even more important, it helped them make use of the opportunities around them and enjoy the satisfaction of achievement.</p>

<p>Yes, they did the summer camps for music and dance, etc, and they loved every minute of it.</p>

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<p>Funny and poignant essay.</p>

<p>As a teacher and parent of two young adults, I think amazing kids are born not raised... there is something from birth that drives certain kids to become the kind that the reach schools desire.</p>

<p>I'm all for nurture, but our kids are not clay to be molded into the figurines of our desires. Part of our job is helping them to see that admission to Elite College or Dream School isn't worth more than "butterflies in the stomach" nerves versus a month-long anxiety attack. How do we do that? By de-emphasizing the importance of status and re-emphasizing over and over the "you will blossom wherever you are planted" theory. Find a true safety or two that they can fall in love with and keep praising those schools in subtle ways. Start this in junior year and you will have a relaxed kid (unless they were born to be completely hard on themselves, that is. In which case, not your fault!).</p>

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<p>While I too enjoyed the OP's friend's essay, my heart does belong with calmom. My bright, hard-working DD adores her safety school (70% admit rate and ACT midrange 22-27, I thnk) and will almost certainly attend there in the fall, even if she does get into her super-reach. While some of her friends are heading off to our excellent state flagship, many others are going to community college or third-tier schools. Very few of them agonized over college admissions, and yet I think most of them will turn out just fine.... since they are mostly bright, hard-working, basically good kids.</p>

<p>Maybe part of me wishes that she had chosen a more prestigious school, but I am kind of ashamed of that part of me. </p>

<p>The upside of this is that her senior year of high school has been wonderful! She got her rolling admission from the safety in October. Since that time she's spent a lot of time with her friends, pursued her quirky EC activities, gone through a few boyfriends, found a new 'serious boyfriend', worked hard, goofed off, and spent time with her mother watching "Project Runway". This weekend we're headed out together to find the perfect prom dress (ha!) I think she's one of those "bright normal" kids that calmom mentioned and her super-safety school is lucky to have her!</p>

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<p>This was the best thing I've read all week. Really enjoyed it.</p>

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<p>Scout: I share your shame. I would love for DDs to apply and be accepted to a specific reach largely because I would love to wipe the dubious expression off the face of the GC who looked like "yeah right" when I mentioned it to him ( we are colleagues). Not proud of that and I keep it to myself. </p>

<p>My girls and I love Project Runway they take study breaks from AP bio to watch...Jillian was robbed ;0)</p>

<p>OP thanks so much for sharing. Your friend should submit it to Real Simple Magazine truely it's wonderful</p>

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<p>Hey, historymom - my daughter is a "fierce" fan of Christian's, so she was thrilled that he won. Me, I'm always amazed at how talented those contestants are (and I'm always sad then the competition is over.)</p>

<p>And oh, my favorite will ALWAYS be Tim Gunn! Love his suits and his vocabulary.....</p>

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<p>Scout, your D and mine sound identical and we are enjoying her senior year in the same way. She's a Type B personalty all the way and is thrilled with the college she will attend next year. We did it the other way with S, whose now a junior in college and the stress was not worth it. This time around is so much better.</p>

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<p>"Secret shame" - that's exactly right. Momof2, I wish I had just "wised up" earlier. For years I nagged and wheedled, trying to make her into some one she wasn't and making her mad (and me miserable.) I look back on those times now and cringe at myself. What was I thinking?! I was blinded by "bumper sticker envy" - that desire to slap the "impressive" sticker on my car so that I could impress who, the neighbors? Sheesh.</p>

<p>Oh, well. At least I woke up in time to enjoy this senior year! Now if we could only find a decent prom dress that doesn't look like it came from Harlots R Us. This is when I need one of those guys from Project Runway!</p>

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<p>
[quote]
I'm all for nurture, but our kids are not clay to be molded into the figurines of our desires.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>Absolutely. I think what we can do though, is to help them identify what kind of figurine they are. Or (to change the analogy), when the little seedling pops out of the soil, figure out what it is. Is it a tomato plant? Then it will need acidity to grow well. An azalea? Better make sure it has some shade.</p>

<p>We home schooled our kids and one of the buzzwords in home schooling circles is "delight directed learning". When we see what delights our children, we encourage it and provide opportunities for delving deeper. It doesn't mean we stop doing the basics, just that we recognize that when you are doing something you love, you will grow and learn in so many different ways. This is the same for public and private schooled kids, and I see lots of examples of it in the kids I read about here.</p>

<p>S1 was home for spring break last week and he found a notebook he had put together when he was about 14. We had moved to some acreage and his dad had said he could raise some animals. For some odd reason he became interested in exotic hoofstock (gazelles, antelope, deer, etc.). He researched these animals endlessly and put together this notebook with all kinds of info on them. Then he planned and built a 6 ft. fence around an acre of land (with his dad's help). He called exotic game ranchers, veterinarians, and stock yards/auction houses. He pretty much became an expert on the subject. </p>

<p>He bought some Axis deer and 3 wallabies (not hoofstock, but oh well, he liked them, too....and he called a breeder in New Zealand and arranged to have them shipped here all on his own). When the deer had fawns, he caught them and bottle fed them and sold them to petting zoos. Two of the wallabies died (some lessons aren't so much fun), and he sold the third when he left for college.</p>

<p>Did he go into pre-vet or zoology or something like that? No. He's majoring in economics and is on contract with the Air Force (and was just notified that he got a pilot slot...a very big deal to him!). But...I am so glad we encouraged him and helped him to do that. I remember he and I getting up at 2 a.m. together for night time feedings of the fawns. His dad remembers trips they took to exotic animal auctions, building fences, and catching those fawns together.</p>

<p>I guess it would have actually been a decent hook if he had been applying to schools for which hooks were necessary.</p>

<p>S2 had an interest in filmmaking which we nurtured. In his case, he hopes to make it a career and his heading for college in the fall to major in film production. Even though I will admit that I am very proud of his resume (not just film but other stuff), I am glad that it's full of things that he really wanted to do. The only thing he did with an eye towards college admissions was to enter his films in festivals and contests and take an SAT prep course. The only thing I did with an eye towards college admissions was nag him incessantly about his schoolwork since he was too creative to be bothered with mundane things like homework. <rolls eyes=""></rolls></p>

<p>I should add that we also have a D (our oldest) and she didn't have any focused delights. She is more of a renaissance woman (piano, philosophy, photography, design). She's very smart but had no desire to go to college. She is 22 now and is living in Europe with her soldier husband. She got a job teaching kids gymnastics after school. Well, that certainly is not very prestigious. But...she's happy.</p>

<p>Anyway, I just wanted to say that I enjoy reading about the way different parents here are nurturing their kids' delights!</p>

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<p>timely,
I absolutely agree with your approach, and your results speak for themselves! Your kids sound wonderful. :)</p>

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<p>I'm glad I'm also the imperfect parent. For my daughter, I did not pay for extra tutoring, no test prep, no summer school, no over the top ECs, just regular ECs, whatever her high school provide. When I first started reading CC, my hope was that she will be accept to the top 30 colleges and she did.</p>

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<p>I want Timely to adopt me so I can raise exotic animals! </p>

<p>For anyone who feels like they are the target of the author's satire, I really don't think that's how she meant it. I think it was more a self-parody. If you're blessed with a child who has true passions, encouraging and facilitating their development does not seem over the top, to me. Most everyone we know has some element of the driven and driving parent - I'm not going to deny that I'm a soccer mom, for example. But I can certainly relate to the feeling of being ambushed by the startling reality of selective college admissions. Whether one feels the pressure acutely probably has a lot to do with what is considered normal in one's environment. If your kid goes to an intensely competitive high school where the norm is to take advantage of the many opportunities provided and aim for lots of stretch colleges, it's easy to have moments of self-doubt about whether you've guided your child appropriately. For me, it's nice to hear from other CC parents about how they deal with that. You're an inspiring bunch!</p>

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<p>Scout59, is Loyola Chicago the safety she's seriously considering? I'm so happy for her... the school's resources and reputation are on the rise. I enjoyed my time there. I bonded with some professors who genuinely cared for me and got to interact with many students who are just as insightful as my Northwestern peers (I transferred after 3rd semester).</p>

<p>I'm grateful to the schools that accepted me despite not being well-groomed (poor HS stats but blossomed in college and decided to apply only in the term right before matriculation). The schools are Rice, WashU, Northwestern, and Emory. Denied by Cornell.</p>

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<p>By leaving the NE to SE Florida, the academic environment changed dramatically. My S was able to do well without straining, which left him plenty of time for his ECs. A certain group of people went to private schools, but most to public. The IB program is offered at a HS in nearby town, and S and his friends chose not to go there. Sceduling became harder when he took many classes at local college. His closest friends had diverse interests, so they weren't competing with each other for same colleges. In fact, many were content to go for free to the honors program at state flagship.</p>

<p>My biggest fear was that S would not cope well in college, being less prepared than others. Fortunately, his college was pass/fail initially, and he did fine.</p>

<p>I would want Jillian designing my wardrobe, Chris my costume, and Rami an evening gown. Honestly, those people are brilliant!!</p>

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<p>I, too, like the post here. It made me think of two pieces in the NYT about parenting.</p>

<p>One was a discussion of Mogel's book <em>The Blessing of a Skinned Knee</em>. </p>

<p>"It wasn’t just parents’ outsize ambition for their children that was the problem — after all, for generations, children have faced high expectations. It was what parents with means did to protect their investment. Worried about their children’s future in an increasingly competitive world, parents would expect everything at school — and then compensate for these inflexible demands by expecting almost nothing at home. The words “I have a test” automatically relieved children of any other obligation, Mogel says. Instead of being left to muddle through — and to learn from adversity and their failures — kids were whisked off to tutors and coaches and extra classes. Pressured in one sphere and pampered and overprotected the rest of the time, their lives were too difficult in one way and too easy in every other. As a result, they often didn’t learn to solve problems on their own or gain the strength that comes with independence."</p>

<p>And similarly, from an Op-Ed piece I saw recently "Driving Miss Chloe"</p>

<p>"An American teenager is part wunderkind and part invalid, able to excel in obscure sports but needing his mother to rush the field with a jacket and Thermos of broth when he’s finished. They have been hobbled by our endless meddling; they lack resourcefulness and resilience. Have you seen the fits these kids pitch if they find out they got shafted at Dartmouth and have to go to Tufts instead? It’s like “King Lear.” And why shouldn’t it be — nothing’s ever happened to them. They’re like little children, soft and easily wounded."</p>

<p>My own kids' lives are way more structured than my life as a kid was, and I wonder what has been the trade-off--for all the achievements this structure has brought, have certain areas been neglected?</p>

<p>To give a sports analogy, some have said that what's missing from the development of young soccer players is the unstructured pick-up game in the neighborhood, where kids get to play, be creative, try things out etc. without an adult around. </p>

<p>I wonder if the same can be said of a structured childhood in general?</p>

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<p>There were times when my son was in HS that I tried to nudge him towards doing things "for the applications", and his schools <em>certainly</em> did -- they told students if they didn't have so many hours of community service, they wouldn't get into any colleges, things like that. My son dug in his heels and said he was never going to do anything just for apps, just to get into colleges. He did the things he loved, and he got into the school perfect for him. He felt proud that when he applied to colleges, he was doing so as himself, not some candidate groomed to appeal to them. </p>

<p>My daughter wants to go to a top art school, so she resists all the pressure about SATs and ACT's and community service and has just focused on being herself and honing her art. She lives immersed in her materials and is always trying new things. It makes me crazy sometimes, but I get the feeling that by ignoring the traditional college pressures, she's going to end up right where she wants to be. Meanwhile, I'm just trying to keep my anxiety and imperfection to myself. :-)</p>

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<p>
[quote]
Now if we could only find a decent prom dress that doesn't look like it came from Harlots R Us.

[/quote]
What a relief that we only have to rent a tux. But they never fit like the Red Carpet versions.</p>

<p>Isn't life grand right now, watching them as they're about to spread their wings? I marvel at how passionate my son is about his intellectual life outside of school--his twice-weekly internship, his senior thesis project (which involves independent, outside research), the prospect of a zingy summer job that actually pays him money to do something he enjoys, etc. So many of the academic "shoulds" will disappear next year, as they're freer to explore learning for the sake of learning instead of for the sake of getting in to college. There's something out of whack about high school for some kids.</p>

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<p>Hey, we looked at tuxes today, too - very snazzy! And I'm happy to report that after hours of schlepping to mall(s), whining, grumbling, sniping, and worrying, we/she finally found a dress that wasn't too spangly, sparkly, or skanky (her adjective, not mine.) Actually, it's a knock-off of the dress that Keira Knightly wore in "Atonement" and looks oh so... adult.</p>

<p>I agree, geezermom - it is a wonderful, bittersweet time. My D is so excited about going off in the fall and very philosophical (and rational) about leaving home and friends. Right now she is just enjoying every minute of her senior year. If I recall, you son is an only, right? So is my D.... which is where the "bittersweet" comes in!</p>

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<p>While I enjoyed the original post, I honestly thought it was supposed to be an example of sarcasm-surely you parents don't really consider yourselves "bad parents" if you don't breed some sort of "super-intellectual, does everything" kid who can/will get into the college of his/her choice. I, as a student, feel that the responsibility falls to me (and rightly so) to get involved in activities, do the best I can academically, etc. I know my parents have their own things to do-I welcome support, but feel that if I really want something, it's up to me to make it happen... Perhaps it's because I'm fairly independent and have relatively uninvolved parents, but when I hear about "helicopter-parents" (and believe me, I'm not saying that any of you are guilty/deserving of this title), I just want to say "Cut the umbilical cord already, people!"... Anyway, good luck to all of your kids in whatever endeavors they may have (& even if they don't become Harvard grads, Nobel Prize winners, or whathaveyou, don't "blame" yourselves-I don't think a parent's job is to make some sort of "super-human" child, but rather to make a "good" person-but that's just my $0.02 :))</p>

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<p>Don't worry, arachnophobia--we do get it! Unfortunately--in my life, at least--I do know of people who worry about some or all of these things. "Good person" is definitely my goal as a parent.</p>