Absolutely, if they “feel” that it’s “too draining ala Emma Sulkowicz” or they are “too much of a killjoy” or some such nonsense, and they were my kid, as a parent I’d be rolling my eyeballs and saying “now what EXACTLY” happened and why did you not report this? I also feel like saying to these young people…grow up or shut up. That sounds harsh, but really it’s not my job as an adult to coddle a bunch of young adults who want to claim they are victims of the most horrendous crime and “want” other adults ne’ college administrators to solve their problems when there are systems in place for victims of rape open and available to them. If young adults “feel” that the cops are not handling things well, if they feel their state statues are not working then change the system…they are adults. If they are calling behavior that is not criminal, rape, then they need to find a new vocabulary because most adults that I know, understand what constitutes criminal rape. If it makes them feel better to claim this stuff on an anonymous survey, more power to them. And Qwerty, I feel for them, I really do, but your friends hold the power and doing nothing is not operating from a position of power and maybe that’s the “lesson” kids need to learn…
And yes Shawbridge, I’m rather exasperated with the way colleges are not dealing with the alcohol and the way some colleges are fumbling around dealing with felony crimes and swinging wildly on some political pendulum trying to please all the people all the time.
@momofthreeboys, you have no clue how you would react if you had a daughter who was raped.
None of us who have never been involved in this situation know how we would react. It’s not helpful and frankly it shows ignorance to profess how you would react.
Please remember that the corollary to this is telling young men, from an early age, to not rape, not rape, not rape, and not rape. We haven’t been diligent enough in that regard (although I love the PSA with Daniel Craig, Pres. Obama, and others). Also, be interfering bystanders when someone is in trouble. Anyone in any kind of trouble. We’ve made great progress with DUI so we know the culture can change.
Interesting in that article was that 35% said they didn’t report the rape to police because it was unclear to them whether it was a crime or that harm was intended. This falls in line with my theory that many of the incidents that fall under the legal definition of rape, may not be perceived as criminal acts or perhaps even traumatic incidents by the victims, and that is the reason they are not reported.
The article addresses why victims don’t go to police. I am more interested to know why victims don’t go to the administration.
Bay, just because a victim doesn’t know she was raped doesn’t mean she wasn’t raped. We need to educate students better. Some schools are doing this as was mentioned by other posters.
Also, these victims are traumatized. I know a victim who is suffering for 5 years now.
Victims have problems with brain trauma and memory after an attack.
I’m sure some of them do, @dstark. But to paraphrase yourself, you have never been involved in an attack and have no idea how you would react to an incident that might fit the legal definition of rape.
Do people really believe that young men don’t know that they shouldn’t rape women? Or by “telling young men, from an early age, to not rape, not rape, not rape, and not rape” do you mean not to have sex when the girl is, in her own individualized opinion, “out of it”. How do we teach that?
The fact is that no amount of education is going to “teach” a man not to drug his date, or pull out a knife and threaten a woman to spread her legs. Punishment is the only thing that stops that.
Education of both sexes may help with the impairment/consent questions. But forgive me if I do think that it is counter productive to press the point that the only determinant of whether sexual conduct is sanctionable is the woman’s subjective, individual belief. What exactly do you want to tell young men? If they think that the girl coming on to them snorted coke in the bathroom, or had a drink, run away and hide because she may be impaired? How realistic is that?
And it also doesn’t mean she didn’t experience bad effects from the rape. She could be thinking, “That time when he forced me to have oral sex wasn’t rape, because I went to his room willingly, and I’m fine,” but it could also be, “That time when he forced me to have oral sex wasn’t rape because I went to his room willingly, so why can’t I sleep and how come I’m failing two classes when I was getting As before?”
Plan A and plan B? Life doesn’t work that way. We are emotional beings. We don’t know what we don’t know. That’s ok.
My son is a genius. I just talked to my son about this on Monday. My son knows this. Really. It’s ok not to know how we are going to react in certain situations.
I know I am being obnoxious when I write my son is a genius. I don’t care. I have written 30,000 posts and this is the second time I have written this. That is 1 out of 15,000. If we get campus assaults down to that level, I’ll be happy.
There are many ways. We cant first TALK about it, like we are doing here, and at other gatherings, at the family dinner table, etc. We can have more PSAs on TV, radio, social media etc. We can have celebrities and athletes take a public stance. We can try to hold perps more accountable, try to make colleges more aware and responsible, try to make the police better at dealing with it.
Actually dstark Crisis communication is part of my job/career requirements. I very much to know what I would do and what I would say. And to CF, if my daughter didn’t “tell me” then as an adult that is her decision. But in general, believe me, my kids all of whom are adult now know what to do in a crisis, know who to call, where to go and know what to say (or in the case of police when to keep there mouths shut).
BTW Greenwitch, I’m curious what the “public stance” is? I can’t imagine there is much controversy about wanting to see rapists behind bars…that seems to be a given almost everywhere. What is the message? What would you have celebrities and athletes say in a 10 second public service announcement. Don’t drink and have sex? Don’t have sex with someone you don’t know well? Just say “no” got appropriated by the anti-drug crowd. “Just say yes” doesn’t seem very appropriate. “If it happens, report it.” probably makes the most sense.
I agree that talking about these issues is very important. We may disagree over whether it is valuable to take the all or nothing approach adopted by too many here, but generally the free exchange of ideas and information is valuable.
PSA’s, commercials, eh. I guess. My kids at least get virtually all of their media from netflix/youtube and websites and apps that change constantly. Not sure we reach this generation with the same media strategy used to reach my generation in the 70s and 80s
At base though, I would really like to hear a serious answer to my question. What is it we should be teaching? I have a son and a daughter. My son is headed to college next year. My daughter, God willing and the creek don’t rise, two years later. I get what I am supposed to teach my daughter. Respect yourself, don’t put yourself in a situation involving alcohol or drugs unless you know you are safe and/or with people you know well and trust, etc. But what do you all suggest I teach my son? Assume that he is not a psychopath, and knows that all violent crime, including criminally defined rape, is bad. Assume also that he is a product of an above average educational system in 21st century America. In other words, he is aware that the 19th amendment has passed, that prima nocta no longer applies, and that he has been surrounded by female authority figures his entire life. In short, he is a normal UMC kid today. How do I teach him to not be a check mark on one of these surveys? More importantly (to me), how do I help him act so that some woman doesn’t label him a rapist and be feted in the New Yorker and at the State of the Union? Is the only answer to tell him that if his girlfriend has a drink at a party and then they have sex she might decide later that she was impaired and that he is therefore a rapist? What conduct, other than virtual abstinence, protects him?
Forgive me, but until we can answer that question, I am not sure that education is the answer to the statistics trumpeted here. So again, how do we teach that?
