stef… I do feel for you and your predicament. What I worry about is that you seem to not yet have a sensitive internal barometer of what it means to excel academically in your chosen field. I see this when students want the results of academic success, but haven’t actually internalized the day to day motivation that leads to this success. I also see this when students either don’t have the necessary background, the intellectual fit, or learning style that matches with their goals. It feels a little like you keep chasing a prize but never quite reach it. This can lead to a sense of failure and can cause you to miss all the other prizes out there that might be a wonderful match for you.
I think this is why so many of us are encouraging you to really take the time to understand the bigger picture, rather than just trying to run faster, apologize, then keep running.
Sylvan’s question may help you think about this bigger picture.