<p>Guys,
You all know so much more than our s. or I do.
Now that he's got acceptances from Miami, DePaul (straight theatre, but the Goodman Theatre), Illinois Wesleyan, and can go to Indiana in Theatre with a Musical emphasis if he doesn't get into the BFA, Carthage College (lovely school but maybe a backup, but close to home), and Webster with scholarships but NOT yet the BFA, I have questions for you.
Help us.
Where should he go?
He didn't get into his "top" school -- Michigan -- but these are some great programs.
His desire is to stay close to his high school friends and girlfriends (he doesn't realize that one or two of those relationships last through the years) and go to Viterbo. He knows he's "good enough" for Miami or DePaul or Wesleyan, but the girlfriend has a GREAT DEAL of input.
This worries us.
They "broke up" two weeks ago -- it scared both of them -- and now they're determined to see each other every weekend in college.
I'm worried this will derail his life.
Or do we just make the "try it for a semester" bargain and hope nature works it out?
We haven't said anything thus far except we'll support whatever choice he makes but we don't want him to make a life-destroying choice when he has this whole world of great choices spread out in front of him.
His girl is a very nice girl, but he's been feeling smothered for a while. Still, he really cares, just as I did (and do 30 years later) about my HS boyfriend.
I just worry that he won't take the long view.
Any wisdom?</p>
<p>I've worked in college mental health for many years, and have talked with hundreds of students about this kind of situation. My best advice is- share your fears if you think your son can hear them without feeling "pushed". Unfortunately, at this age any negative input from parents about boyfriend/girlfriend issues usually works to tighten the bf/gf bond (as their "breakup" did).<br>
That said, I don't believe it will be "life-destroying" either way- although I know to us as parents it can feel that way. Tense times for us parents!</p>
<p>I have no expertise in this at all; I am just another mom. I agree with BreatheEasy that one decision (even a big one such as where to attend college) won't make or break him or any kid. That said, I know I personally would not want my daughter to make a decision about where to attend college based on being around high school friends or a boyfriend, however important those relationships are and feel at this moment. (And yes, they are important. We have all been there and we all remember.) This must be a very hard situation for you all. Good luck!</p>
<p>Collegemom~
Maybe we could move this to it's own thread?
mamalot my D went to school 500 miles away & her boyfriend 1000 (so they are 500 from each other.) They have managed to see each other one weekend a month and talk on the phone all the time. For Christmas they each got a webcam thingy so they can see each other while talking. As far as I can tell, and much to my surprise, they are stronger than ever. There has even been some talk about him transferring closer, perhaps even to the SAME school. I guess you could tell your son absence makes the heart ...and all that.</p>
<p>May I ask a question? How did these friends/girlfriend affect his performance in high school? DID they affect his performance in high school? If they're a great bunch of kids and they enhance each other it might be a good thing, unless the school they're choosing will not give give your son the opportunities he would receive elsewhere. For example, my son has a very very dear friend at NYU. I don't think I'd feel really really comfortable sending my son into New York on his own, although it's a wonderful opportunity to make connections, etc. Since his friend is already there and has been for a year, it's a comfort for me to know he's not on his own in such a big city. We come from a small town in Colorado. Just some more thoughts, perceptions.
Jeanette</p>
<p>let your son know that no matter where he chooses to go, the relationship can still work. I have seen a lot of successful long distance relationships, and with a lot of effort, your S and his gf could be one of those couples.
that said...maybe he should try to pick a good school that is not QUITE as far away...so that he can still make arrangements to see her now and then...going across the country is more difficult than driving 3 or 4 hours.</p>
<p>my boyfriend and i have also talked about this. we applied to most of the same schools, and would LOVE to go together, but we decided we would make it work no matter what. I will still try to stay as close as possible. i think sometimes you can choose both....a great school AND to be close to the person you love! hopefully it works out well for the two of them.
your son just has to choose what is the most important to him.</p>
<p>Mamalot, I have moved the discussion about your son's decision to its own thread. The thread it was started on is primarily for announcing acceptances and for "congratulatory" feedback. Your discussion warrants its own thread so as to not be lost in the wrong place.</p>
<p>I have had similar discussions with my children, and these are such tender decisions for teenagers for whom connections with a special person seem especially vital, particularly when leaving home for the first time. </p>
<p>What I have tried to emphasize is that both my children and their girlfriends/boyfriends need to be making the decision that is in their individual best interest until they are older and ready to commit, marry and settle down. There is still a lot of growing left to do, and they may find that they grow closer together, or that their interests begin to diverge as they meet a larger world. Individual growth benefits the couple by letting them each person become who they are supposed to be. I have known couples who survive the separation beautifully, and others who don't -- not because of the separation but because they were not meant to be together.</p>
<p>I think it is important the your son and his girlfriend each go to the school they most want to go to, independently of one another. They will be happiest that way. But if they don't, I also agree that it's not the end of the world. It will just be another one of life's lessons, and it may work out beautifully.</p>
<p>
[quote]
they're determined to see each other every weekend in college
[/quote]
</p>
<p>If he is in a theatre or musical theatre program, this is most likely going to be a huge issue, whether he is at a school nearby, or halfway across the country.</p>
<p>At any of the programs I know, there are weekend rehearsals, performances, master classes - the time drain is enormous.</p>
<p>Mamalot,
I think your son should make 2 lists- pros and cons of each school with and without consideration for the girlfriend- so 4 lists total.. he should be sure to include all aspects of both the school and the program- the faculty, the kids he's met, the head of the department, the curriculum, training, location,distance, $, and so on (MichaelNKat's list is great- I have it if you pm me with your email address). MusThCC makes a great observation about time restraints that you should advise him of as well. Then have him tape it up in his room, sleep on it, and continually review and revise it until his answer becomes clear to him. And as a parent of a college sophomore and a graduating high school senior, I believe you should definitely give him your opinion after he makes his original lists- after all this business is a family lifelong committment, and you are the only person he knows who will ALWAYS have his back!!! You have every right to let him know your feelings, and should do so during the process.</p>
<p>mamalat~ i think you should feel comfortable in talking with your son. lovingly sharing your concerns with him can never be wrong. i don't believe it will push him further into the relationship with the girl, nor stop him, but he needs to hear some reality here. he sounds scared, not so much about the breakup, but of the big step of leaving home and loved ones. well, that's life, and he'll be very surprised to probably see many of his current high school friends will not be there in quite the same way as he's expecting. IF he's ready to take his future seriously, he needs to take his college choices seriously. but maybe he's just not ready. good luck.</p>
<p>Oh Mamalot, </p>
<p>We had a similar situation last year. We ended up doing the pros/cons list and really putting the emphasis on the long term dream of our D. We just kept talking about how reaching this goal had been her focus since fifth grade. We also told her the following:
The first year at college is such an incredibly important time. When kids go to a school without knowing anyone else, they are forced to step outside their comfort zone, reach out to people and it's a huge growth experience. They often make life long friends. Sporting events at college are often a big social time. My D never went to HS games, but when she got to college, it was something to do and she was "baptised" into a new religion of sorts called "school spirit". Little traditions like rubbing the nose of the bronze statue of the school mascot became part of the whole experience. If your son does not go off to school, he will not have these experiences and they are "once in a lifetime" deals. When kids go off to school, they learn to live with other people, that their habits can be annoying, that not everyone does things the same way as their family does. They are exposed to different lifestyles and cultures and these are huge growth experiences. I don't need to mention here that these experiences also become great stories to be told for a lifetime!
Last year our DD anounced that her much older boyfriend (another story all together) was going to apply to grad school at all of the schools on her list. We had been terribly against the entire relationship, but after months of agonizing, fighting and heart ache we struck a deal with her. We convinced her, for all of the above reasons, that missing this first year in the dorms would be a huge mistake and that if boyfriend was near, she'd never "step outside the comfort zone, she'd spend all of her time with him and that it would change the entire experience." The deal was that boyfriend could not be less than 500 miles away from her during the first year. If she chose to have him there, we told her that we would not contribute a dime toward her education. We convinced boyfriend that if he truly loved her that he would not want her to miss out on all of experiences and growth. He agreed, and luckily, she took the bait. She's had a wildly successful first year, made wonderful friends and boyfriend gets less and less attractive as the months go by.
My heart goes out to you, mamalot. I'll pray for you!</p>
<p>Kate</p>
<p>I'd like to second the opinion that if your S goes to somewhere like Illinois Weslyan (my S's best friend is a freshman MT there) it is highly unlikely that your S will have time to visit anyone on week-ends. Not having gone to undegrad here in the US (we're Australians) I'd didn't realise that these schools own these kids 24/7. My S is a freshman MT at Otterbein and he has auditons, classes, rehearsals and tech (electric, set, costumes) responsibilities that take up huge amounts of his "free time." At the beginning of the year he put in over 20 hours of tech work in 1 week-end. Both your S and his girlfriend need to realize that MT programs put huge demands on these kids and even if he might happen to have a free week-end he may be too exhausted to do anything. My S is in class from 9 to 4 or 5 everyday and then he has rehearsals scheduled in the evenings from 7 until whenever (11 p.m. I think) and he still has to find time to do his assignments, learn songs, monologues, scenes, practice piano and attend on-campus cultural events (required attendance and response papers due after the event). Don't get me wrong, even with this sort of workload my S is doing what he loves and wouldn't change anything. Please have your S consider these things before he makes a decision. Good luck!</p>
<p>mamalot,</p>
<p>I completely agree with MusTHCC. There is NOT a whole lot of free time in many of these BFA programs. The Viterbo program offers much more free time than most theatre programs do. I can tell you from experience that he is going to be entering programs that are demanding...with a capital D! The girlfriend thing may never work out because she may never see him....he needs to think what is best for HIS schooling....at this time. As any good actor he needs to FOCUS!!</p>
<p>SUE aka 5pants</p>
<p>Oh, this brings me back. Our S had a girl friend a year younger and this was a huge deal at first when he was choosing a school. He was accepted to two of the same schools as your S - Viterbo and Illinois Wesleyan, as well as a couple of the other bigger schools much farther away. He didn't have a truly local option but both Viterbo and IWU were 4 and 3 hours away respectively. As he visited schools, he decided he didn't want to go real far away so it was an easy choice to go to IWU. He loved the campus and the mt program from the first visit so he didn't feel he was compromising about giving up the more well-known programs. Plus he felt he could visit the gf regulary. Well as said earlier - it just wasn't going to happen. Between classes, crewing the main stage shows, rehearsals for the freshman musical, scene and dance practice, he was busy 70 hours a week (literally). He came home the weekend of fall break. And that was it til Christmas. So needless to say, he and the gf drifted apart and after some rocky times now are good friends. I think the main thing is for your S to go with the program he likes the best and feels is the best fit for him. It's a tough schedule and of the relationship with the gf does end, he needs to be in a place he really WANTS to be - not just one he settled for. Good luck!!</p>
<p>mamalot-
This is such an emotional time...we went through our d going to college while boyfriend was close to home. Unfortunately, a MT major does not have many (any?)free weekends. She is just three hours from home, and only made it home over her breaks. They have workshops, rehearsals, auditions, auditions and auditions, set work, backstage hours to put in....practice, oh yes, and homework. It is a lot of work, but to these kids who have this passion, it is heaven. She found a new world, the boyfriend did not quite understand. Long story short, they are no longer a couple but they are still friends and d is loving her crazy busy life. Sadly she has lost touch with her very close friends from hs. They come home every weekend and do not understand why d doesn't....but this is part of growing up. Your son is starting a new life, a new world. As I told my d when she was going away, if it was met to be, it will work out. It is all a period of adjustment...for everyone. Make the list....it will all work out.</p>
<p>I would vote for either Miami or IL Wesleyan, even though we never looked at them. We've heard good things. Make the decision without considering girlfriend. If it's meant to be, long distance won't hurt. My husband and I were a very long way apart in college for 2 years before marrying.</p>
<p>DePaul has serious cuts, so be careful.</p>
<p>Bump for Mamalot</p>
<p>Bump for mamalot and family</p>
<p>I hope mamalot lets us know what her son and the family decide to do. I hear good things about the program at IWU, and, in fact, a former drama teacher/director of my D's has just been hired there to work in that school's musical theater program. He is very knowledgeable.</p>