ADHD kids-How did they do their first semester/first year?

Parents Forum Learning Differences and Challenges - LD, ADHD
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<p>DS heads off to college next fall, and with his inattentive type ADD and related executive function issues I am hoping to arrange for some support for at least his first semester. Does anyone have experience with the Edge Foundation? </p>

<p>I’m looking for someone to replace me / the big wall calendar / etc. I checked and this will not be available at the college he will attend (although it was available at some of the larger colleges DS applied to, such as Oregon State University). </p>

<p>Weekly organizing, planning larger projects or papers, routine checking in on progress, guidance for resolving or preventing “forgetfulness” problems, scanning class syllabus/professor emails for additions to the master assignment calendar, reminders for key events like tests, course registration, etc.</p>

<p>Too bad we can’t do this for each other’s kids!</p>

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<p>My DS had 1 B+ and the remainder were A’s. He worked with a ADHD coach from eighth grade through HS graduation. His coach will do Skype, telephone, or in person coaching but it has to be someone they like and trust.</p>

<p>Sent from my GT-P5113 using CC</p>

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<p>ShawD still doing well and, remarkably for her, juggling many balls.</p>

<p>ShawSon is falling a bit out of touch with his coach. He’s overwhelmed, I fear. He’s writing his honors thesis in an independent major (he has three majors) and in a period where he and his GF had broken up, he helped start a software company of which he is the CEO. So, he’s taking courses (and has never gotten a grade below A- at a very high end school and does not want this to end in his last semester), writing a thesis, and doing a startup. The overwhelmedness is legitimate but he is checking in less and less with the coach. Not great from my perspective as that is when problems arise.</p>

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<p>Sounds like the ShawKids are doing well. Impressive achievements for S, but I understand the concern. Hard to know when a change is a legitimate blip or the beginning of a pattern with later consequences.</p>

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<p>Our S is ADD, predominantly inattentive. He had quite a few ups and downs in high school, and my wife and I had to stay on top of him to make sure his work got done. He did end up with a reasonably strong GPA and SAT scores, and has been accepted by several small LACs which all of us think is the best setting for him. Even so, we think he would greatly benefit from coaching, especially on executive function issues. However, he is completely opposed to this idea. We’re worried that he could get into serious academic difficulty as he has a tendency to be unrealistic (“OK, so I flunked the first three tests but I’m sure I’ll do great on the next one”) – and not ask for help. Can anyone suggest how to broach the subject of coaching in a way that won’t get an instant refusal? Or maybe we should just stand back and accept that he may fail?</p>

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<p>Warning: long post ahead! My strategy was multi layered, but it worked.</p>

<p>Last fall we began discussing how high school would be different from college, living in a dorm different from living at home, etc. I ordered in some books from Amazon for him, one of which included a checklist for readiness (academic, self-care, etc) - he completed his version, and I completed mine. Turns out it was a real eye opener for him, and I thought he rated himself very accurately especially in some of the more critical areas. We abandoned the book’s planning/parent coaching process but the job was done in my opinion: it raised his awareness. We agreed that starting in spring I would back off and he would have to demonstrate to me that he could consistently handle the basics himself. Each month we’ve talked about how it’s going.</p>

<p>His college search led him to LACs and smaller public schools as well. Some colleges we explored offered advisors on staff available for organizational and time management support, etc. I agreed that he could consider distant colleges on the condition that he would have an academic coach for at least the first semester, either available at the college or if not, paid for by me. The alternative would be that I would be this coach. :)</p>

<p>I emphasized what I think are important aspects of how the coaching would work: it would be between him and his coach, he would meet with the coaches we consider and make the final choice, that the actual coaching itself would happen privately and be a mix of email, phone, skype etc and that the goal would be temporary support while he acquired new skills to meet new demands. I also pitched the benefits of having an experienced, skilled guide through the transition to college coursework, professors, and independence.</p>

<p>Last, I tried in every case to frame the discussion with my hope and confidence that his freshman year would be successful with just a little help through the initial new/rough patches. I also expressed my hope that by employing a “new tools for new challenges” approach, we would avoid the possibility that he would have to return to living at home and attending a community college. An insurance policy, I said.</p>

<p>So, to recap:</p>

<p>I gave him a way to realize for himself the new challenges he would face, and privately reach the conclusion that he did in fact have some gaps. All from a source other than a parent.</p>

<p>I made my funding of his distant college choice contingent upon him having a coach, at least for the first semester. I also talked a bit about my reasoning that he wouldn’t need to have his car at college until we saw that he was successful enough to be there awhile…but that the idea of him having a coach was so reassuring that I might be persuaded.</p>

<p>I offered him the choice of an experienced professional with expertise in helping students transition to college…or me. I also helped him see it as an advantage, one that would be his private resource for help, not a means of control.</p>

<p>I pointed out the benefits and tried to reassure him about what he might perceive as potential downsides.</p>

<p>I reminded him that he really did not want to risk failing and having to move back home to attend community college.</p>

<p>I also reminded him that i’m on his side, and want him to succeed, and that I believed this was the best way to help that happen.</p>

<hr>

<p>My son sounds very similar. He’s been successful enough to earn some merit and scholarship $$$ and be accepted to a college he’s really excited about attending.</p>

<p>As to your final question, I would say no. I have found that it works out better for us when we both take the long view, by which I mean that just because he’s not quite and entirely ready now, doesn’t mean he never will be…sometimes it just a matter of support that’s needed temporarily (or to aid in a transition, or to address specific challenges) which will later drop away when no longer needed. Training wheels on the bike, you know? (although I would NEVER say that to my son…it’s all about the future when he will be older and more independent!)</p>

<p>This is a tricky time in their lives. Lots of kids become overwhelmed and experience failure at college in various forms and to various degrees. With known risk factors, I believe it’s irresponsible to proceed as if they don’t exist. And just as important, I believe the the consequences (to his self esteem, future, financial, etc) are too great to take an unnecessary risk. But that’s me.</p>

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<p>Thank you very much onesonmom, this is enormously helpful! Do you happen to remember the name of the book you ordered with the readiness checklist? That sounds like a good way to get the conversation started. Really appreciate all your insights.</p>

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<p>cmscribe, I’ve PM’d you with more information.</p>

<p>One more idea I’ll share: I’ve spent this school year trying - and making sure my son notices that I’m trying - to treat him as an adult… a young adult, for sure. Also I’ve begun to treat him as a roommate of sorts, in that I don’t clean his room or his bathroom, or do his laundry, or assume he’ll be home for dinner. He has to make his own decisions, live within a budget, run his own errands, make his own haircut appointments, pick up his own cans of tea for the fridge, etc. In fact, I’ve even switched over to food he has to get for himself in the kitchen. It was a bit of a shock, I think. He likes the idea of being treated differently, but pretty quickly saw that he had to step up.</p>

<p>The flip side of this is that I’ve also explained to him that I don’t want to have to be his coach. I want someone else to take over that role, someone better at it than me and with experience helping students like him be successful at college.</p>

<p>And the reason I don’t want the job - even though I believe it will prove to be enormously helpful to him - is that I want to just be his mom, and I want our relationship not to have that element of accountability on his part / concern and vigilance on mine.</p>

<p>So I’ve told him I really have two goals: his successful transition to college, and our successful transition to the relationship we’ll have as two adults…and that this coach is essential to both goals.</p>

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<p>I don’t have a good understanding of what motivates your son to say, “I don’t need a coach.” But, I understand it will be a hard sell. I have seen that with other kids and had to talk/cajole ShawD to get a peer tutor.</p>

<p>Ideally, your son would be able to meet weekly with the coach. The coach could do a lot of things as onesonmom described via email, phone, Skype and in person meetings might be unessential. But, let me suggest something awkward that might work with a freshman boy. My son’s Special Ed caseworker in college and one of the math tutors were attractive young women, the math tutor especially so. The caseworker once said to me that the all the guys having math problems actually went to that math tutor. She was sure they weren’t going primarily for the math help, and even though only half their brains were probably focused on math, they ended up improving. Many, she thought, wouldn’t have gone to another tutor. Maybe, young male hormonal activity can be helpful in the quest.</p>

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<p>I think you’re on to something, Shawbridge :)</p>

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<p>onesonmom, the advice you gave to cmscribe was excellent. I’m just trying to figure out how to get the kid to engage. It works in advertising and many other things. Incidentally, I meant to say casework in HS, not college.</p>

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<p>Sometimes, when people make a transition, they don’t want to bring their past with them. They want to get off of the reliance on drugs, which they may or may not actually need or at least feel they don’t, and they don’t want to be seen as different. The stresses of college and residual anxiety can also often have a large impact on those factors.</p>

<p>Suffice it to say, no one wants to take pills for the rest of their life, and no one wants their friends to know they need to, and when you’re independent suddenly… you try to decide for yourself.</p>

<p>In regards to onesonmom, I have a serious issue with your decision towards your son. That issue is that you’re assuming how roommates act, which is not your place and not accurate, as to be honest, you haven’t had a roommate for a very long time I’d imagine. Not doing their laundry? Every roommate I know of shares laundry duty in some capacity. Food and other things are often shared or agreements are made to share funds so more can be had, and numerous other factors exist. You’re revoking most of your role as a parent in the hopes of getting him to be independent but all that will do is re-associate how he views you, not how he views his life. A true change to his independent proficiency requires years of development on his own.</p>

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<p>Cross posted:
Our gifted daughter was diagnosed at the beginning of her senior year of HS with ADHD and anxiety and the last 3 years have been an extraordinary exercise in patience, frustration and learning. A few administratively weak college professors have added to the difficult experience. We are on a first name basis with the dean of students at her very large university and have her personal cell phone number as well as those of several other top university officials.</p>

<p>Resist the temptation to step in and contact your student’s professors. S/He needs to learn to manage his/herself. It is really important to find a good ADHD coach, anxiety therapist, and to have him actively working with disability support services at school. Our daughter has made some great strides with outside support though she has far to go. She has been in college for 3 years and has more than a full 2 years to go. </p>

<p>Our son is about to enter college. He suffers from ADD but doesn’t have the anxiety piece and manages his self quite well. He is going off to study engineering and we think he will do just fine.</p>

<p>Kathleen Nadeau is a nationally recognized PhD who specializes in ADHD. she has a lot of success helping ADHD students become self sufficient and successful, and she has written some books you might want to look in to. Even with good resources, it really helps to work with an effective ADHD coach and therapist.</p>

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My S2 is in his 2nd semester of his first year. He managed to pass 1 out of 4 classes in the fall with a D. He takes zoloft and concerta for ADHD and anxiety. He did try and turn things around at the end of the fall semester but it was to little to late. He barely went to class in the fall for the first 6 weeks and handed in nothing in. This semester he is on academic probation and must get a 2.6 across the board to be able to go back in the fall. This semester seemed to get off to a good start. He has been attending classes for the most part, 90% of the time. He is struggling with his organization, which has always been a huge issue. He is now struggling with friendships and his anxiety. He has now also gotten in trouble for alcohol and weed and is on probation for that. I think they might ask him to leave. I feel so bad for him and I want to strangle him and I want to cry for him. He barely got out of high school with a 73 GPA but really wanted to go to college. S1 is in his 3rd year of college and S3 is a sophmore in HS neither have ADHD. S2 is depressed and anxious and I don’t know what to do. We need to find him a new Dr. too. Help please all advice accepted LOL

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It sounds like you may want to bring him home and have him attend college locally - perhaps part time - with extra support. Depression and anxiety should be treated. You could explore a medical leave. I would not leave it and let things play out if he’s depressed and not going to class.

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One, who has more issues, did blazing well after getting advice from the Dean of Freshman to take an easier first semester. He used a coach from home to work on organization (she would read his emails to make sure he wasn’t missing anything), a reader if he was having trouble keeping up with the reading (he is severely dyslexic), and would meet with professors regularly.

The other, whose primary diagnosis is anxiety/ADHD, took half the semester to go to the Disabilities Services Office and get a peer tutor – an older student in her major who could help her both with organization and a sense of what she had to do to succeed in her courses. She didn’t request any tutors. She didn’t take help from home. She did OK – B or B+ average in a hard-grading school (she was taking bio, chem, calc, dev. psych and a language and so was in with all of the premeds and science majors). She wasn’t really interested in the major and switched majors and transferred and has done phenomenally well ever since. She can’t function academically without Ritalin, but with it in a subject that she loves, she graduated summa cum laude with no grade lower than an A- and almost all As.