<p>I think very few teachers or administrators at any school, public or private, want to say (or think or feel) that they are not offering a child enough of a challenge such that s/he has to go off to another school. So I would not expect any administrator to say "you're so right, our school basically sucks for your child; I hope to make it up to you two by being very supportive of his/her application."</p>
<p>Basically, I would not go in with that kind of attitude when seeking the recs. I would say that the family has appreciated in so many ways how well the school has prepared your child for this unique experience that can only be attained by living away from home for the school year in the academic community he is applying to....etc..... Basically, make it nice. Sandwich the bad news about leaving and asking them to basically do paperwork for you in between praise for the teaching and preparation the current school has done. You want these folks on your kid's side. Be a politician here.</p>
<p>Obvious but true: Every school is different. My son's at a public school, in Grade Six; we applied to four day schools for Grade Seven, a highly competitive entry year in the power center city we call home. (15 applicants for one slot.) I assume the teachers who wrote my son's recommendations were honest but fair. The principal was out of the loop. I think she heard we were applying but as a rule does not write recommendations. The guidance counselor does not get involved, either. Throughout it all, teachers have been respectful but not enthusiastic. One annoyed me outright. She asked if we could afford these schools. In another conversation, she told me her daughter's friend went to private school and had no money for college when she graduated. A bit much. Oh, and we had to provide postage for the transcripts to be mailed to the schools. That used to not be the case. A minor detail but odd when you're scrambling to make a deadline! Looking back, I wish I'd hired an education consultant, given the time and money involved and, just as importantly, given the leg up students at private schools have in the process. Anyway, I would not be too concerned about anyone's attitude, unless it undermines anything along the way, including your son's interest in going. Best of luck!</p>
<p>mom2anundecided: Diplomacy is not my strong point! You have said the same things my husband has said. The school to which he's applying asks for a rec from the principal so I'm trying to leave him alone. The superintendant will be leaving this summer. I'll try to be diplomatic but it's a struggle for me. I don't always recognize rhetorical questions as such. For instance, when someone says, "Dontcha think?" I may very well say, "No." When they really aren't asking what I think! Call me silly, but I tend to assume people mean what they say. </p>
<p>How can I say, "Thanks for preparing him for this opportunity." when they've done nothing? I think a 180 on my part would be fairly transparent. So maybe I should focus more on option #2.</p>
<p>Me and my big mouth.</p>
<p>Luckily, he'll be interviewed and they can see for themselves. Just about every adult who meets him says to me, "What a neat kid!" His essays and interview with have to speak for him. I mean, after all, the teachers writing the recs (except for one), will have only known him for 4 months before they're due. Surely the admissions committees realize this.</p>
<p>"you're so right. Our school basically sucks for your child...." LOL<br>
But actually, when I pulled them out to homeschool in 3rd grade, it's basically what the elem. principal told me (she was about to retire). She even recommended a private day school if homeschool didn't "work out."</p>
<p>But my experience has been that administrators listen to your concerns, nod their heads, then do nothing. They must learn this in duplicity 101, a required course for admin certification.</p>
<p>Sounds like a few bridges have been torched already. Lol. OK, time for damage control. I have been there, done that. I had a "talk" with the middle school head of my daughter's private school when daughter was in 5th grade. Let's just say, words were exchanged. Let's just say, she ended up in tears. Let's just say, I was not sympathetic. Fast forward 3 years, and I see I will need her rec by late fall. </p>
<p>The summer before, I began remedial damage control. After thinking about how to do it, I realized that I couldn't do it anyway but just suck it up and face the music. I wrote to the middle school apologizing for being a total b*&^h back in the day. I offered my inexperience and overinvolvement in only child as mild lame justification for getting worked up, but basically said it was no excuse to treat her poorly.</p>
<p>My daughter's future was on the line - not my pride. She wrote me back telling me how grateful she was I had written her and thanking me very much for telling her that. We mended our fences. By the time, months and months later, I needed to ask her to fill out the rec, I felt comfortable that she would not torpedo daughter's apps.</p>
<p>I will say this. I know for a certain fact that a rec can torpedo an application. A lukewarm rec can even torpedo an application. You want "walks on water" recommendations for your child, because that's what other kids are getting. My husband is in college admissions, and I see it happening all the time. And the writers of the recs know they are protected - we do not see these. Ever wonder why an otherwise amazing applicant didn't get in somewhere? Start thinking about the seriousness of the recommendations and the hidden nature of it and realize that they are written by humans who can hold grudges and vent them indirectly, even against an innocent party. Of course we would like to think folks would not do this. But a rec can also gently point out "problem whining parent" and schools will not want to touch that applicant either. Without going into any more detail AT ALL, I know that a child who is represented on this board did not get into a particular school s/he applied to because of the combination of whiny parent blaming school for not meeting child's needs. So be smart, and mend your fences.</p>
<p>I think it's a good idea for the applicant or their parent to write a cover letter when asking for the recommendations. In the letter you get a chance to explain why you are applying to a different school. </p>
<p>In our case, we stressed how much my D wanted a boarding school environment: the residential community, the chance to live away from home, etc. We didn't mention "your school sure doesn't do much for gifted kids, does it?" We said it was a unique opportunity that she wanted to take a shot at.</p>
<p>Like WB and some other parents, the school we are happily getting one kid out of is the likely next step for D2. And I really do wish the school well and appreciate them for what they are able to do. When you think about it, my Ds new boarding school spends $80K per child, while her public school spent 1/10th that, so it's not surprising that the schools are ... different.</p>
<p>I agree with Grejuni about the cover letter - and preferably written by child(and edited by parent). It is also a good place for your child to highlight to their teachers ECs and interests outside of school. As mentioned by a previous poster, some of these teachers will only know your child 3-4 months when writing these recs. The cover letter will allow the teacher to see your child as a more complete person - not just the student side. For us it had a positive effect because the teachers mentioned that they knew my child was a diligent, high performing student but they were doubly impressed when they found out that she achieved that while dancing 2-3 hours a day, playing violin, doing school clubs, playing lacrosse, etc. etc. This will work its way into the recs by the teachers and guidance counselor.</p>
<p>It's a good thing that my son's teachers like him a whole lot better than they like me. I mean, they LOVE him. </p>
<p>I will approach next year's math and english teachers with kid gloves. Actually, I just say, "Hi! I'm XXXXX, XXXX's Mom. Let me know if there's anything I can do to help you this year." </p>
<p>New teachers....clean slate.</p>
<p>The cover letter is a fantastic idea. </p>
<p>I could even say that it's a family tradition since my husband went to BS.</p>
<p>So many things about the whole application procedure are out of our hands. It's maddening.</p>
<p>Right....damage control. I'll let up and tell my kids to stop writing letters to the editor and passing around petitions at school....kidding,(sort of). </p>
<p>really....I'm a very easy-going person, but pompous public school administrators who talk down to me drive me bonkers!</p>
<p>I haven't made anyone cry (that I know of!) so I guess that's a plus.</p>