Advice for commuter student in somewhat unusual situation

Student Lounge College Life
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<p>This will be a long post. I'm thankful to all who read it in its entirety. I need advice on how to proceed here.</p>

<p>I am a junior at a large university. Since my first semester I have been a commuter student, living at home with my parents to save money (commute is manageable: 20-25 minutes). I am always on time to class, my grades are high, I rarely struggle with class material. Academically and financially, I have nothing to complain about: if I continue on my current path for another four semesters, I will graduate with a 3.8+ GPA and no debt. My tuition is covered by scholarships; all I have to pay for is textbooks and certain fees. Dream story, right?</p>

<p>But I'm increasingly depressed about my current situation. My schedule, for the past several semesters, has been predictable: wake up at ~8am, get ready, arrive at first class by 9-10am, finish last class at ~4pm, do some schoolwork, start back home by 5-6pm. I often hear of clubs, meetings, and other social events that I'd like to attend, but must of them are held much later in the evening, and I'm reluctant to stay out on campus that long, since there's no dorm for me to go back to in the meantime; I'd just be stuck on campus with nothing to do, feeling tired and useless.</p>

<p>Maybe more importantly, I have socially conservative and (IMO) overprotective parents, who are uncomfortable with the idea of me staying out late without telling them first (they get worried if it's after dark and I'm not back yet). It's sad, because otherwise they are very kind, amiable people. I'm 20. As a result, my social life consists mostly of interactions in-class and whoever I happen to run into outside of class. Most people are only really free later in the evening, when it's hard for me to be on campus. I'm not talking about wild parties or drinking binges here, just get-togethers in general. Coming back home at midnight or later is not an option. Parents' house, parents' rules, I guess ...</p>

<p>Am I being irrational? Excellent grades, no debt. Why am I complaining? Yet I feel I'm missing out on a lot of interesting college experiences and friendships. The thought of all the money I'm saving, and the comfort of having my own bedroom/bath, privacy, etc., just doesn't counterbalance it anymore.</p>

<p>What should I do? I can hear some responses now: "get your own place now" and "be more independent". The thing is, I'll be doing this anyway in 2 years, as soon as I graduate. So is there any real benefit to moving out earlier? Taking a job to pay for an apartment will cut into study time. It seems kind of pointless to do this when I can live at home for free ... though toughing it out for four semesters is looking less and less appealing also.</p>

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<p>Could you study on campus or get other work done until the evening when your friends are free? Schools often have commuter lounges where you can relax, but I’m sure there are a lot of other options on campus as well. Or you could get a part time job on campus to help fill up some of the gaps in your schedule. That might make you more tired but I always find that I feel less tired when I’m keeping busy, as opposed to sitting around doing nothing. Perhaps you could get dinner with your friends, which wouldn’t make you that late to get home (and everyone has to eat sometime). Or I know several students who would nap on campus between classes–even those who lived on campus! Do you have friends who live on or near campus? You could chill at their apartments/rooms, as well. Perhaps, you could even crash at a friend’s place if you’re going to be out especially late.</p>

<p>Perhaps you could schedule things to do with your friends so that you can let your parents know that you’ll be out late. Or you could text or call your parents if you’re going to be out later than usual so that they know not to expect you at the usual time. Are you commuting via car or public transportation?</p>

<p>You could also try to plan things things to do with your friends on the weekends where you could do things all day so you don’t have to hang around all day on campus and you can still spend a lot of time with your friends.</p>

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<p>Thanks for the thoughtful response, @baktrax. I commute via public transportation or bicycle (good infrastructure around here) – I can’t really afford a car w/o taking out a loan, something I’m reluctant to do. And then I need to pay for on-campus parking (very expensive), insurance, etc. … At this stage I’d prefer to keep my life simple, heh.</p>

<p>TBH I only really have one small set of friends, and even then I don’t see them often – they are all very busy, though they live on-campus. There is a commuter lounge which I could use more often, I guess. Perhaps a more general problem, which I should have indicated in the initial post, is that I have trouble forming friendships. Aside from 2-3 people there isn’t anyone I know well enough to hang out at their place on a regular basis.</p>

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<p>I agree with everything baktrax said. Find somewhere to hang out on campus, I always liked the computer science lounges that were near my classes. Study while you’re there, or bring a book, a laptop, whatever.</p>

<p>Texting your parents if you’ll be out late is also a good idea. To add to that, if they’re conservative, maybe tell them what you’ll be doing. If you’re not out partying there’s nothing to hide, tell them you’re staying late for origami club/some sport/dinner with friends. I had a much longer commute (about an hour), I would just let my parents know what I was doing and they were fine with it… if they didn’t know where I was or why I was late, they’d get worried.</p>

<p>I think hanging around campus more often might help out with making more friends. That or find a club/activity you like on campus, and go be friendly there. Or maybe put together/join a study group with people you know from class, if you’re hoping for more friends in your major.</p>

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<p>You are missing out on an important part of the college experience; the socialization part. In work settings, you have to usually be a person who others see as easy to get along with, outgoing with clients, etc. Those social skills keep developing throughout our lives, including through our experiences in college. Maybe you should consider living on campus for your senior year. Sure, it’s nice you have been able to stay debt free, but for the experience and preparation to live away from home eventually anyway, it might be worth a small Direct Loan to live on campus your senior year at least, and have a go at more independence.
As for your parents, I would be worried/concerned too, if my student had to use public transportation or ride a bike in the dark coming home, so I can see where that comes into play in terms of what time you come home. That being said, if there is a club or study group, etc, that you would want to join, why not do that? The one or two nights a week you might need to come home later can be planned for, with using public transport those days/evenings. Unless your parents live under a rock, they have to have expected that at some point you might need to branch out a bit and do more than just study. Ask them what they were doing at your age…I think if you present your plans, and have a good system of staying in touch on later nights, they will have to see that they have done a good job and you are ready for more independence! Good luck!</p>

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<p>Why don’t you live on campus? Because of your parents?</p>

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<p>Maybe you should sign up for an evening class? As long as the area is safe and the transport available that might be a way of easing into it. </p>

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<p>This was a more common pattern 25 years ago–not everyone was expected to live on campus. My situation was similar, but I did share a vehicle with my parents so between that and carpooling with others from the same burb to college, it was workable. I would echo the suggestion to take an evening class–get your parents used to the idea that being a college student goes beyond the hours of the standard high school day. Are there required group projects? Make yourself available to work on those during the evenings, or even just suggest group study sessions.
By my last two years, I was working 20 hrs a week in between/outside of classes and involved in music groups. Can you possibly still look into extra-curriculars as a way to meet more people & be involved? My parents, who were definitely conservative but not super-sheltering, got used to me being gone from 7:15 (for 8am class or work) to 10 p.m. at night. It was good preparation for all of us when I did leave home for graduate school.</p>