It’s the culture! That’s why I said it wouldn’t work here. I can off the top of my head think of one cousin and his bride tyst lived with my aunt and uncle until they had the 3rd baby. I can say the closeness of the grandparents and grandchildren was wonderful. Oh, I’m sure there was a lot of tongue biting and do agree it would be easier with daughters.
I don’t think my husband and I would be comfortable if they live with someone else in our house. If they are by themselves that’s a different story.
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And just to show how people are different, I got married at 20 (3 weeks before my 21st birthday) and had my three boys in my 20s (starting at age 24). I didn’t set out to get married that young (or ever - a love life truly didn’t interest me in my youth), but met H in college, didn’t like him at all at first, but kept going out with him because he invited me out for meals (beat dining hall food), and then hikes, and more. He changed a bit. I don’t think I did. (He was in love, so more interested in the “win.”) He was about to graduate. I still had a year left. We were both military. To be able to stay together marriage was needed. We talked about it and “went for it.”
Fast forward over 30 years and we’re still each other’s best friend and companion, rarely separated except for work and sometimes his spending time with his dad or me with my mom when she had cancer. We still love going out to eat and hiking/traveling.
We love that we were young when we had kids and have had a bit of good years with them. We love that two of them met their spouses and married young so they can enjoy many years together too. Our last to get married will be doing so next year, but that’s in his late 20s. We’re thrilled for him (and her), but wish they would have met each other sooner to have more time together. (We’re also glad he didn’t marry earlier GF’s, so wait for the right one!)
Now H and I fear the day that one of us doesn’t make it… it will happen someday, unless we’re fortunate enough to go together.
Different strokes for different folks.
Ditto with kids living with their parents. We’d have been ok living with my mom and have invited his dad to live with us when he no longer feels ok being on his own (he’s already 94), but we wouldn’t have been ok living with my dad or his mom at any stage of our marriage, so even within families personalities differ.
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That sounds pretty cool, kind of like the big family house in Encanto.
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There’s so much variety on this topic that there isn’t one firm set answer for everybody.
A couple of yr ago, an Indian family lived in the house 2 doors down from us (from India, not Native Americans). 2 older parents, still of working age (not retired), and 2 adult kids post-college, who were living at home and setting aside all of their spare $$ to save up to buy a house. Both kids earning really good incomes (working in tech jobs). It was a system that worked out fine for them. If that works for you, then I absolutely see no issue with that.
Way back in the day when DH & I were newlyweds, there is NO WAY that my parents EVER would have allowed us to live with them beyond 2 weeks. My mom even said that, flat out, to me once. Yet my unmarried sister was allowed to move back in for awhile after college and live there rent free for 2 yr. Huh, ok. DH & I had no plan to fall back on…in the area we were moving to near my parents at the time, rental occupancies were at 99% and it was impossible to find an available apartment, let alone one that was affordable. It was seriously stressful.
Luckily, we did find an apartment that would rent to us with our meager income. And no, my parents would NOT have given us any $$ to help pay the rent either. We were totally on our own…sink or swim…and the message was clear - don’t ask us for help.
It was really really hard. But we survived it. Later on once DH was done w/school & everything, we decided to leave the area because there just was no way that we’d ever be able to afford to buy a home around there. My parents were upset that we were moving to another state. Oh well, sorry you feel that way, but this area is not affordable and we want to have a family at some point AND we’d like to own a home.
So we moved.
Would I let my own kids live at home indefinitely? Probably not. I’d definitely kick my kids out if they were not employed, not trying to find a job, were engaged in addictive behavior (drug addiction, alcoholism, that sort of thing). But if you want to put away all of that spare $$ towards a house down payment? Sure, you can totally move into the guest bedroom.
We got married at 28 (had our first child at 29), met when we were 12, started dating at 22. I’m glad we got to have some fun before the kids arrived (5 of them). We live in the northeast, so we’re definitely one of the first couples we knew to get married and have kids.
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My niece and her BF moved back with my BIL after college. She is mechanical engineer making not that much in HCOL and he is philosophy major that can’t find a job. It’s not fun to have so many people in the house and she has no plans to move out. She doesn’t want to get married or have kids and spends her money on travel with or without her BF of five years who she leaves behind at my BIL house most of the time.
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I wonder about the logistics of it all. This week I’m cooking for 4 adults, boy do they eat and these are girls. I’ve already done one ham, I’m doing one roast prime rib tomorrow, thinking of taking out one frozen Turkey soon and we’re not even Christmas.
I just bought a 50lbs bag of flour and it’s already down to 3/4. Yikes.
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But less than four high school boys, right?
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I’m an older parent and I’d have no issue with my grown child moving back in for a few years. But I think being on the older end helps…I haven’t gone through the last 17 years looking forward to being done with parenting. My mom had me when she was 21 - when I left for college, she wanted her life back. She said it all the time. It used to bug me, but now I get it. I had my time to be young and fun, I’m not chomping at the bit to get out there and do things I wasn’t able to - I mostly did them pre-kid. Also, I think a lot of us are examining what we have been told life should be (prioritize work, live independently) vs what works personally (cultivate support network, value your family relationships) and making life changes thusly. But personally - and circumstances - are all the drivers! One size does not fit all.
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I never went through any years of looking forward to being done with parenting. Even now, when the kids visit (including spouses/fiancee), I hate to see them leave. I miss them - as does H. Similarly when we travel alone we miss them, probably due to so many trips we took exploring the world with them.
I don’t think age has a thing to do with it. It’s personality, undoubtedly of both parents and offspring.
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I also really enjoy traveling with my sons.
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My parents were 40 when I went off to college. I kind of think age can have a lot to do with it.
How so? I was 43 when my oldest left for college, then 45, and 46 respectively for my other two.
I was the last one out - my parents had my brother at age 19. 40 is young - I think a lot of people who have children at such a young age want to catch up on some missed experiences. Especially if there were a lot of lean years.
My parents finally had some disposable income and a house free of kids. They absolutely never made me feel unwelcome and we spend tons of time together now, but they definitely had a different relationship with me than I have with my young adults (19 and 21) .
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I still think it’s a lot more personality based than age related. A lot of people have lean years. It’s more typical than not, though perhaps not so much on CC.
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I just want my kids to experience adulthood. My son came home after college, then the pandemic hit, and suddenly it was three years later. In the mean time his sister graduated from college, got an adult job and her own apartment, and he was living here at the parents’ house with the little siblings still in high school. He needed to launch and I’m thrilled to see how well he’s doing and how much pride he has in his job, his own place, etc… We are certainly always available to our kids if they need us, but I think there are important developmental steps involved in supporting themselves.
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Fortunately we never had a problem with ours becoming adults. That too has nothing really to do with where they live. I know plenty who left home post high school or college and certainly didn’t become adults any of us would be proud of (drug abuse, lack of good jobs, lack of paying bills among other things).
I think peers mean a lot more than where one lives TBH (esp when they change from who they were). Otherwise, I think it goes deeper into one’s personality many times.
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I don’t mean to make it sound like my son was making poor choices, he wasn’t. It did take him quite a while to find a job he could support himself on. I think living at home allowed him to futz about for longer than he would have if he’d had to pay rent. The pandemic didn’t help either.
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My son is 26 and lives at home, working FT and very busy with a GF. His salary doesn’t allow him to live a decent life on his own, he’d need. Roommate. We don’t mind him being here.
But…I totally agree with your statement that they need to be living on their own to become full fledged adults. It’s almost like he’s on college break all the time. He does need to move forward, but at the same time I’m not pushing him out, but I know it would be better for him in some ways.
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