Am I the only who wishes for Christmas just to pass?

Parents Forum Parent Cafe
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Over the past 10 years, my parents have died, my extremely beloved and oh so fun aunts and uncles, too. I’m estranged from my sister and therefore from her 2 sons.

Christmas decreased in size from all of us (although not huge it was still so lively), to quiet with just us 4. I started doing a Christmas Eve party with friends and their families for a few years that filled the house with fun. That stopped after Covid, and now everyone’s life has changed.

I’m still having a couple families that are “Christmas Eve” orphans like ourselves, but there will still be just a few of us. I’m grateful for these friends, and do see them year round. But I also wish I wasn’t always doing all the entertaining (ba humbug)

But I can’t stop the feeling how uneventful this holiday is for my sons, and I can’t stop myself from thinking of my Christmas past. I try to have a warm pretty de orated home. But I feel it’s all just fake for how I really feel. I just want it over. I just want it to be 12/26.

The holidays are the time I really wish I had been part of a huge family (I am but they live in my dad’s country of origin).

Sorry for the depressing holiday vent.

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First hugs! The holidays can be so difficult because they bring up all these memories and feelings. And pressure to make memories. It’s really hard!

I’m not sure how things are with other people but our holidays have become very fractured after covid. I feel like covid broke so much.

I’ve never been a person who loves Christmas but last year almost broke me.

My kids are far flung, they don’t want to or have vacation time to travel “home”. My in laws aren’t really able to travel to where the kids live and the kids seem oblivious to that.

My daughter in law lost her dad this year but has declared that they won’t travel on Christmas, they want to make their own memories of their nuclear family (plus her mom) at their home.

Our kid’s memories are of being with cousins and family.

My brother in law just finalized his acrimonious divorce. His kids are going to a warm island with their mother and her side of the family. He was invited for some of the time but I have no idea if he’s going or not. He wants to see his kids, not the wife’s side of the family though.

So we are driving to my daughters the week before Christmas. It will be a small group, my mom, my sister and one of her kids. My son and dil will come if the baby isn’t sick. Then on Christmas, I will bring a meal to my in laws. Feels small compared to past years.

I’ve made my sad holiday vents before, I’m happy to vent right back! :wink:

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Misery loves company, for sure! My kids still remember the livelier holidays and it makes me sad those seem to be over for them. It’s as if I failed somehow. They both have girlfriends, so maybe they don’t see it that way. But younger son brings up my sister from time to time, so I know they wonder “what if”the estrangement never happened.

Also, older son’s GF is from a larger family, all grandparents still alive. I’m happy for him that he has this, and hopefully ongoing. But it makes ours seem so lacking and puny. I know this vent is a bit pathetic, as there is no illness or tragedy’s that have befallen us. I think it’s mostly the boys I feel bad for, not myself.

Deb, are you flying or driving, I remember your thread.

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I feel this way at Thanksgiving and I sympathize with you. We almost never go across country to see my family. My youngest is still in college and it is just too expensive for a four day trip, which has been the number of days my kids have had available since 2004, when they entered school. We are usually Thanksgiving orphans, but we do typically spend the day with friends.

OTOH, I relish Christmas with just the four of us. I was already thinking about what we would do next year, because there is a strong possibility that it might be a long time before we are all together for Christmas again.

My tentative idea is that next year, we will go away for Christmas, somewhere tropical or adventurous. Maybe instead of sticking around and dreading the season, go away, with or without your kids. Or do something meaningful in a different way, like volunteer at a shelter or distribute gifts for your church or local group that helps families in need.

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I would love love, love to travel for Christmas. However, older son lives with his GF, so not an option. She’s quite close to her family.

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I can feel melancholy at Christmas. I just miss my kids being little this time of year. We’ve never been about birthdays or other celebrations- Christmas was just always the grand gesture. I put the lights up yesterday, first time without at least one kid, and I just felt sad.

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So maybe you, hubby and other son go away? Gives you something to look forward to. I’ve taken both my kids away, just us and one kid at a time. It’s nice.:blush:

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I have been struggling with Christmas, as well. I recall family gatherings with my dad’s large family, which ended as the cousins got married and started families. We have gotten together with my mom’s brother’s family for years the week after Christmas, but my uncle passed away a few years ago, Covid stopped the gathering, and I’m not sure whether we’ll start it up again.

We used to spend Christmas with H’s family, who live many hours away, every other year. We stopped that when we had kids, and his parents have never come to visit us for any holidays.

We celebrated with our kids at home Christmas morning, then we got together for Christmas dinner with my brothers at my parents’ house, and later at a brother’s house after my parents moved to Florida, until my D got married. We’ve begun having Christmas dinner at her house, without my brothers (who are with their families). It’s just our little family, although sometimes her in laws and/or friends stop by. While it’s nice, it’s just so much quieter than what I knew for so many years.

Since 2009, I have lost my mom, dad, two brothers and my favorite uncle. H has lost his dad, and his mom is having health issues. I have a niece who cut herself out of our family’s lives after her dad died. One of my surviving brothers, the only one with kids, has a grandchild with multiple health issues. We’ve been unable to see them since Covid, because my niece is extremely protective of her son - the family only rarely interacts with people, and it’s always outside. I am hoping that my GD will get to know my niece’s 3 kids, but that’s in the future. Neither my S nor my SIL are likely to have kids, so that’s the closest to cousins GD will have.

I will invite my brothers to Christmas Eve dinner this year, and hopefully they will come. My brother has two kids besides the niece described above, and I hope they will come, too. But my D will probably go to her in laws’, and my S lives just far enough away that he won’t come until Christmas Day.

I know it’s silly to feel so sad about our Christmas, because it’s still a really nice family time. Being able to “get it out” here is helpful … knowing that others feel similarly is comforting.

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Or you plan a trip with your husband (and/or any sons available) for a couple days after Christmas? Even just a night or two away celebrating in a way you love (fancy or not fancy, inside or outside, etc.) So you have something to look forward to.

Something helpful for me (someone who doesn’t love Christmas per say - too much hustle and bustle and the emphasis on it takes TOO much of the calendar year!) is to not think of it as CHRISTMAS but THE HOLIDAYS. So a time of year, a season. To try not and focus on expectations (gifts, parties, etc.) but of joyful moments. Big or small.

Even with the decorating - does it feel like an expectation sometimes? (yep) Then just do what makes you happy (you and your H who live in the house) Maybe it’s just some extra twinkle lights in the house and not all the wreaths, trees, knick knacks, etc.

It’s our expectations that doom us. Me, anyway. :slight_smile: As I said in another thread, the memories of the past decades of traditions don’t have to go away but living in the moment, we have to TRY and embrace some new traditions that make us happier- not so much focus on the the old who/what/where/when.

I say all this because it is a work in progress for me - the known person in my family who doesn’t love this time of year. :christmas_tree:

(sometimes the irony of it is that we complain no matter what. We are sad to not have friends and family around and then some of us will have that but we complain about the work and constant entertaining and commitment - it’s like hairstyles - we’re never really happy!! :slight_smile: )

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I’ve posted before that it’s cyclical for me. There have been years that I’ve absolutely dreaded the holidays, and others where I’ve been excited.

I grew up with a big xmas. Cousins, close family friends, the grandparents if they were in town, etc… It was fun when I was young and not doing any of the work ; )

When I got married, we invited both sides of the immediate family for our first xmas to our new house and it went really well. For the early married years, that’s what we did - combined xmas. Things got super complicated when siblings started to get married and we started having children. When our D was born suddenly my in-laws wanted “their” xmas. We spent a rough 6 years feeling like we had to alternate (and travel) and we rarely got to do xmas morning in our house during the Santa years which was really hard.

When MIL died, we put our foot down for a few years and said xmas was at our house. Anyone who wanted to come was invited but usually it was just my parents and us. That was the start of the small xmas where it was just the 5 of us. For years my parents would have us over to xmas eve, we would all go to church together, and then they would come to us xmas day around lunch time (so we could have private time in the morning as a family with our D).

Even that started to get overwhelming when my mom became ill as I started being responsible for decorating their house as well as my own, doing their holiday shopping, and hosting elaborate meals for both eve/day. We did that for 5 or 6 years and those were dark unhappy holidays for me as I felt incredibly stressed.

For the last two years of my parents’ lives, we flew to FL and split the holidays again. It was a lot.

So, that all said, I think I’m one of the rare people that is super excited for just the three of us to be together for xmas this year. This is honestly the most excited I’ve been for the holidays in a very long time. We’ll still go all out with the cooking and make it special but there is zero stress when its just us.

I’m already nervous about what will happen when our D gets married. She’s our only and I would hate to not get to see her for xmas. I know we’ll need to be flexible though. Who knows, at that point, maybe we’ll be more open to traveling to extended family again.

Hugs to all who are struggling this year!

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No, that is not an option for us.

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Yes! I know what you mean that it’s still wonderful to be with the family we can and friends, so I feel a bit guilty about complaining. But it’s how I feel.

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I actually really loved our Covid Christmas. I think just knowing that no one else was doing anything spectacular made it so much more enjoyable…for all of us!

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It just really isn’t the same after that, is it?

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I hated Christmas for years not only because of being far from family and no one willing to travel to us (long story in another thread) but also because of the expectations. H’s family is all about gifts,gifts, gifts. That caused me considerable work and stress so I finally cut out the exchange with the other adults (my family had already done so). His sisters “didn’t get it” but it was as if a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I toned down the decorating (not my forte), sticking to two trees and a few other things. Didn’t do a bunch of baking, who was I doing it for? That helped too. I’m still not a big fan of Christmas.

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Christmas is hard. My dad was Mr. Christmas - he loved it. The decorating, the food, the parties, the gifts - he loved everything about it. He died 6 weeks before Christmas and it felt like everything fell on my shoulders. That was 16 years ago - and it still feels that way - that I am doing everything the way Dad would have done it and it can be really overwhelming. My daughter has been really great about encouraging me to cut back - particularly on the Christmas Eve and Day meals. Dad isn’t here to enjoy them, so they are going to be lower key.
I grew up spending holidays with both sets of grandparents and even my great-grandparents and have really fond memories of those times, but I have no idea of how my mother pulled it all off. She worked and prepared meals for a house full of people, all expecting to be fed and entertained. And now that I’m an adult I can see the friction that was there the entire time.
This year it will be five of us together, unless my brother in law decides to do his usual and announce a last minute plan that requires adjusting all other plans. I know my son in law doesn’t particularly enjoy spending time with us, and that is tough to accept. Christmas comes and Christmas goes.

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We actually had suggested several years ago to the boys traveling during Christmas. Younger son was up for it. Older son said “sure, how about the day after Christmas!”. Yep, get all the Holly-joy, gifts AND travel. Lol!

He liked being home from college and seeing all his friends, not going away with mom and dad fur too long a time. We said no, we want to travel over those days. So, we’ve just stayed home. But maybe we rethink things. Perhaps travel the 26th. It would give everyone something to look forward to. Xmas gifts won’t be too large. GIrlfriends welcome. Not this year, but perhaps something to consider for next year.

I think you coined the Christmas phrase “Christmas by Abasket”. That’s how I feel, too, and frankly I’m getting tired of it.

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I also think that Christmas is hard because the burden is on me. As @abasket has said before Christmas by @abasket. If I didn’t do it, there would be no Christmas.

For instance my mil declares that she doesn’t want to give checks to my kids this year. One kid sends a link from Amazon, should have been easy, right? Nope, in laws find ordering from Amazon too difficult, can I order it. Ok, kid lives in a big east coast city, she wants me to bring said gift.

So I order a gift that I have to now drive 14 hours to daughter.

Son says that they can’t be bothered (my words) to think of gifts for them. We can get gifts for the baby but they don’t want anything. Baby needs clothes. I buy clothes for baby for my mother in law to give her. I get to buy it and wrap it and transport it 14 hours in the car.

Wouldn’t a check be easier? But I get put in these situations and I’m too nice to not do it. My in laws are very grateful. Some day I think I’ll miss it. Maybe.

But now I have nothing for the baby. The gift I got for my daughter has a 30 day return policy. I’ve emailed the company and they said I could return. I guess that means they won’t extend their ridiculous return policy during the holidays? Now I have to decide whether I give it and hope she likes it or return and find another present.

But I feel all this burden on me. For buying and wrapping, decorating and cleaning and cooking.

And my husband, his life goes on as it always does. Asking him to help is so unproductive that it just creates more stress.

I do get that the covid Christmas was nice in no expectations expected. Except that my in laws wanted us to see them while I told my family and kids that we weren’t traveling to see them. But I was resolute. Husband didn’t understand.

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I think it is really important with adult children to be clear about what is driving mom nuts, or making her sad. There’s no reason to fall on our swords when you can release control a bit to other people. Our kids need to see us as people with feelings.

So now I say “thisis what I need you to bring, and this is your night to cook”. Or at dinner, I make the gf/DiL set the table or pour the drinks. I have DH do the cleaning prior to houseguests. i cry when they leave and I don’t apologize for that anymore, or try to pretend it is easy. i asked them “what is essential to Christmas for you” and surprise,it was dumb stuff not the 20 kinds of cookies or good china dragged out. I should have asked years ago!

We will have guests for almost 2 weeks, total. Plus travel to do caregiving, and travel to my MiL. I do grieve a little for the little boys we raised – but when I see them with their partners, chatting in my kitchen while they do dishes or cook, I can find joy in that too. Hugs to everyone who struggles, you aren’t wrong about the work involved.

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@conmama as you can see, you’re not alone!!!

I sometimes have asked myself “the reason for the season”. Meaning, what IS your personal reason for the season? Does it have a religious focus? Is it about family being together, perhaps a rarity in a year? Is it about the entertaining and spreading Christmas cheer through food and drink?

One thing it should not be - but actually IS for probably most of us - a task list. A task list that hopefully brings some joy…or does it? Everyone is different. Some people thrive on the holiday season - and should celebrate that. And for those of us who DON’T love it, shouldn’t have to feel guilty about that either!

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