My MIL always sends a check & expects us to buy gifts for ourselves & our kids/GD. While that’s fine, and H does help figure out S’s gift, the check arrives later & later each year. Because it’s often a different amount, I don’t know what I will be able to get. It’s frustrating. This year, now that H’s sister is in charge of all of MIL’s finances, I honestly don’t know when or if we’ll even get a check (at least not before Christmas … SIL would not be my pick for handling finances, but that’s another story). So I may just give everyone money, if we do get a check. Or maybe gift cards to places I know they will spend the money.
We have a small family (3 of us, sometimes 4 if my sister comes), but I always make Christmas fun with lots of Christmas activities if we stay home or a fun trip. We’ve done cruises, Hawaii, NOLA, Caribbean, Chicago, NYC. This year is a cruise. And leading up to Christmas we do fun Christmas events every weekend. You don’t need a big family to have a memorable Christmas.
Sorry you’re struggling this Christmas. Maybe start new traditions?
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My family does not celebrate Christmas (an upside to being a religious minority in the USA I guess) but my heart breaks for people who dread the holiday. And I can totally relate to the “it all falls on me” burden, plus the pain of the fractured family traditions, the missing faces at the table, etc.
I know nobody likes “perspective” (that dreaded phrase) but my therapist helped me so much in reframing grief, loss, etc. by trying to gain perspective- so I’ll throw it out there.
There was a guy on my street- “Mr. Christmas” who was so beloved by the entire neighborhood. I’m sure his lights could be seen from outer space, he made the entire month of December festive and special for anyone driving down the street.
He died on 9/11 (that’s the perspective part) and a group of neighbors got together to string lights for them for that first, awful Xmas (just weeks after the endless funerals). I know it was just horrible for the widow but his young kids told the neighbors many years later that the sight of people who knew and loved their dad pulling up ladders to their driveway got them through that first awful year.
So- who do you know who is suffering from fresh grief? Is there something you can do for them?
Long-Covid sufferers-- the world has moved on now that we’re vaxxed and boosted- but is there someone in your town who spends their days going from PT to OT to try and regain some normal functioning? Would their caretaker (daughter, son, spouse) appreciate a few hours of “me time” if you offered to drive and sit at the appointment in their stead?
The most “requested” item at homeless shelters is socks. Would it be therapeutic for you to spend half an hour at Costco or Walmart picking up those “12 to a package” socks and then arranging a drop off at your local soup kitchen, food pantry, homeless shelter?
My synagogue spends Thanksgiving through New Years trying to relieve the burden on essential workers who have to work during the holidays and for trying to replace the regular volunteers/contributions which drop off. So Blood Banks- critical shortages in December. The local Diaper Bank- nobody is dropping off a case of diapers while they are trying to buy gifts for their own kids. Food pantry- we start a huge drive two weeks before Thanksgiving and don’t stop until MLK day. Basically every event, meeting, etc. at the synagogue requires a grocery bag of non-perishables as admission!
Just some thoughts. Agree that thinking back to when you were a kid and someone else did the emotional labor AND the actual labor of making family events special can be very depressing…
Hugs to everyone feeling blue…
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As to gifts from Amazon–you can order gift wrap for most things (or if no wrap have it marked as gift so no price on it and can add message) and have sent directly to recipient. Saves a LOT of time and trouble.
We’ve essentially given up on big meals and just opted for our favorites whether that’s lasagne or steaks on the grill.
We used to always have a real tree but finally caved into a fake one pre-lit. And it’s not huge because I’m the one who gets to decorate it. I’ve essentially nixed worrying about outside lights but might put some on my backporch just because that’s where I can see and enjoy some. Beginning to feel like the grinch.
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Daughter has porch pirates, no packages are safe. They should get a lock box but the items they requested are too big for the box, if they had one.
They avoid it by not ordering from Amazon.
Yes, for me and I’m sure so many others it really is that simple. There’s just a sadness knowing that those wonderful years are now just memories. I will say I never took them for granted and I cherished it all, but in the blink of an eye….
My family tends to be an emotional lot. I still remember 20 years ago, my mom mom sitting on the sofa Christmas Day watching my then 2 year old opening gifts. She had a tear in her eye and said , “it all just goes so fast. Enjoy every minute”.
Now mind you on the woman who cried every single year when summer was over and the kids went back to school.
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aw…although I don’t have too many specific attachments to Christmas (we’re Jewish), I can certainly relate to the feelings, as I’ve watched so many of our cherished family traditions and celebrations dwindle as our family sizes shrink. For me Thanksgiving was the one that gave me all of those feels the most. I finally just started making a new tradition, rather than nursing along something that was a hollow shell of what once was.
I do think so many are in the same boat and I will also add…as Jews who never had anything to do on xmas eve, our family has benefitted as in the past few years (covid years aside), we’ve been invited to a number of xmas eve gatherings at our Christian friends’ homes - I think faced with their own shrinking celebrations, they were looking to expand and make new traditions. We have certainly enjoyed these festive nights, and hopefully our presence their helped their celebrations to feel as festive as they hoped.
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I am not necessarily “blue.” It’s more of an emptiness that comes from the reality of change. It’s not exactly overwhelming, just sort of gnawing. I understand the true meaning of Christmas, the reason for the season, and focusing on that is helpful. It’s the “gone in the blink of an eye” thing that’s just kind of hovering in the background. This too shall pass.
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When my parents were alive, our family made an effort to get together, we’re not religious, not when it comes to Christmas. My mom also passed away after Christmas, so I always think of her during this time. We have small nuclear family as always, I make an effort every year to make it more festive for my kids. When I get too old to do it, we’ll be going to Las Vegas for the buffet, lol.
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I don’t understand why you are driving 14 hours to deliver other people’s gifts. Just say no.
Edited to add: Okay, porch pirates. Maybe she needs to rent a box at the local UPS.
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My parents were older when they had me and my kids’ memories of going to visit Grammy and Granddaddy are mostly of going to the nursing homes. It makes me sad to think that they never knew the wonderful Christmases that my mom orchestrated.
I have been pretty glum about Christmas since those days of my Mom’s Christmases have passed (so 19 years now). I tried to do it up early on and had some enjoyment when the kids were little but it was always tempered with having to go down to the nursing home to see my dad and then later my mom. It was 10+ years of nursing home visits starting when my oldest was 2.
Over those years and subsequent ones I have mostly gritted my teeth and tried to make it festive for the kids and I think I succeeded on some level. The kids seemed happy at any rate. Nothing like my mom’s Christmases, though.
My husband’s dad died suddenly of a cardiac event in the night years before our kids were born but thankfully his wonderful mom is in great health and has been a wonderful host and grandma over the years to all of her 9 grandkids and 1 great grandchild. She hosts an annual family party after Christmas every year. Each nuclear family celebrates Christmas Day at home and then several days later we gather at her house. It’s a lovely tradition that got interrupted by COVID, but I know she is really looking forward to it this year. It’s a little strained as those things tend to be (forced family interactions and all), but it is a great time for the cousins to get to see each other and I know my kids would never see their cousins otherwise.
This year my sadness and nostalgia over the past is tempered by some excitement at having my youngest back home from college for the holidays. We’re newly empty nesters (which is pretty nice overall, but it is a bit empty) so as I am looking forward to Christmas and the holidays I am looking forward to having her back home. Trying to focus on that and not let the nostalgia creep in.
We did one or two Christmas mornings with my husband’s mom, but mostly our Christmases have always been our nuclear family of 4 here at home. Since D22 is not home yet I haven’t done any decorating. That tends to bring on the nostalgia and sadness for me so I’m just putting it off until she gets home and can help and I’ll rope my oldest who lives nearby into helping too. I might put up some LED fairy lights beforehand, but I don’t think I will bring out the Christmas boxes until next week.
I would love to travel for Christmas some year. We did that for Thanksgiving once (went to the beach off season) and it was great, but a couple of years ago I asked the kids about that and they were like, “no I like our Christmases at home” so I guess I did succeed on making them happy, but one of these years we’ll do a trip!
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Is there a local Amazon Hub Locker near them? We have used those and they are so convenient. You can ship the wrapped item to their closest Hub Locker and then they have a set period of time to pick it up. Or, if you are visiting them, you can arrange for it to be delivered during the time you are there and you pick it up.
Hugs. I know this time can be difficult.
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As I’ve said in other threads, if you continue to overperform, it gives permission to others to underperform. I’m guessing most of our kids are actually adults so we can rely on them to do more – get an Uber from the airport, if picking them up is a hassle for you. In @deb922 's instance, tell dd to rent a dang UPS box so you aren’t a middleman in her present. Can it be delivered to a friend with a safer porch? Her office?
Back to OP’s original question … Yes, I find the holidays a bit of a drag. I am odd man out in my family of origin so spending time with them isn’t great, IMO, but it’s fine and I feel like we should go for my mom’s sake. I love my kids and would love to be with them and just them every year, but ds1 is going to Europe for two weeks with DIL and her family as it’s “their year.”
In my other post about dh’s family’s Christmas, I was trying to be solution-oriented and forward thinking. But here’s the dark underbelly, lol. This whole thing is coming up because dh’s sister has become so inflexible. The old system where we all gathered at dh’s brother’s house worked well for years, but then she started coming less and less often, and my feeling is like, that’s fine … if she doesn’t want to participate and would prefer to stay home with her children, no big deal. But dh is willing to jump through all kinds of hoops to accommodate her. That’s where I get irritated. I feel like her inflexibility shouldn’t become my problem. Because she lives less than an hour from my mom, when we travel to see my family after already having been to dh’s brother’s house we “have” to carve out time to go see her because she wasn’t at the family holiday celebration with dh’s family. I call BS on that, but our compromise is for him and whichever kids want to go see her for an afternoon and I decide to stay at my mom’s or go, depending on how I’m feeling that day. So, her idea of getting together as a family, just not at Christmas … I’m skeptical she’ll travel anywhere anytime. There’s a lot going on with her. 
Sometimes I’m more generous than I appear here. 
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I was an Amazon locker skeptic until last week…
OMG, where have you been all my life? The closest one to my house is in the lobby of a bank (walking distance, even carrying a big box). During bank hours, the lobby is open. After hours, just swipe open the door with an ATM card (almost every bank in the area honors each other’s cards). Pop open your door, take your box, walk home.
When I think of every “sorry we missed you” sticker on my front door when a driver decided not to leave a package, and the hassle of having to reschedule delivery, or ringing doorbells to figure out which neighbor signed for the package… Got to say, this is better.
There is also a VERY convenient CVS near me which accepts packages from Fedex and UPS. I’ve used it a few times, but you have to wait in line (the main cashier line) and then they send someone to the back, takes a few tries as you describe (again) “It’s a blue and white puffy envelope from J Crew”.
The system at the bank- no line, the locker pops open-- WOW.
Youdon’tsay- I have quoted you a lot lately. Your observation about over-performing really struck home for me. Many of the things that drive me nuts are things that other people could be/should be doing. And many of them are not “mission critical” so if they do them well, poorly, outstandingly— it really doesn’t matter. You inspired me to ask someone to bring a birthday cake to a group gathering last week. The dialogue was insane.
Me— “So you can bring the cake, right?”
Frenemy- “Me? I don’t bake. Everyone knows that!”
Me- “so get it from a bakery!”
Frenemy-- “Oh, gosh, everyone loves your cakes. You make them so personal”
Me- “So tell the bakery to put the birthday girls name on the cake. That’s so personal”
Frenemy- “I’d feel weird bringing a store baked cake when everyone’s expecting home made”
Me- “So you either get a cake or we have no cake, your choice”.
She bought a cake. it was fine. Nobody noticed (or commented) that I hadn’t stayed up late on a work night decorating a damn cake. Birthday girl took the leftovers home and it was done done done.
So a belated thanks to Youdon’t say!!!
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No you aren’t the only one. Secular Christmas can suck up time, energy and money like nothing else. I’m not overly (outwardly) religious but I try to make a distinction to myself between Christmas and CHRISTMAS!!! and focus on things that I want to do to really reflect the season. If others judge me for not living up to their CHRISTMAS!!! that’s their problem. But I acknowledge it’s hard.
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Don’t try to recreate your mother’s holidays. Make your own, make it different. Start new traditions of playing games, going to the theater, out to a fancy fancy dinner.
This year my kids won’t be here at all as they are spending the day with their boyfriends. It will just be another day. And that’s okay. I’ll ask my daughter who lives in town if there is another day we can get together for dinner, and another day will be fine. If her BF’s family is still in town, we can all do dinner but it won’t be on Christmas day.
So I say don’t try to recreate the Christmases of old but do something different. An adult dinner (fancy or in a restaurant), do an hors d’oeuvres dinner instead of a fancy one, do an activity you always wanted to at home or out (cards, puzzles, theater, sleigh ride, hockey game), spend the night in a fancy hotel (if that makes you happy).
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I never said I wanted to recreate my mom’s holidays nor have I ever tried to. I said the holidays I made for my family were nothing like my mom’s but they made my kids happy. BTW, none of the things you listed would appeal to us.
I’m all about folks doing things their own way.
I agree with all this but also note that for most there is an adjustment period - a transition of sorts - to a change in the traditions/routines. Emotional things can be the hardest to make “new”.
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OMG, that made my day! Maybe my whole week, because it’s coming from you of all people. You are so good with advice so to think something I shared was helpful to you … well, that really makes my day. Credit to my bff who also happens to be a therapist who told me that many years ago, something she learned from her own therapist. The gift that keeps on giving!
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