Just going to say that perhaps not everyone knows that info (about flunking out) either. I’ll take a bet that 95% of the entire population keeps bad info to themselves out of fear from rebuke especially from loved ones. Loved ones judge the hardest at times.
If it were me, my only “job” would be to try and not judge anybody in this situation. I personally don’t think a family gathering for Christmas needs to become a therapy session.
I’d be repeating “not my circus, not my monkeys” over and over again ; ) Your nephew is old enough to know that he’s taking a big risk of someone slipping and outing him to great aunt/uncle but that’s his problem, not yours.
This is such a personal process that I would just take some comfort that you were trusted in the inner circle, and that this is his news to share, not yours.
No, I would not tell people/volunteer that my friend were getting divorced.
Gosh, if someone asked me that directly, and I knew the answer? I would very likely squirm and say, “That is something you should ask friend about.” Or, “I am not comfortable discussing friend’s marriage with you.”
The aunt and uncle will not ask me directly about nephew’s status.
I guess the point that many are making is this is like any other secret I might have.
It is my circus. I have to be in the proverbial ring - ha ha!
I do agree with not my monkey.
Perhaps that is the issue. If the situation were reversed and it were my ds I would encourage more transparency.
But, I am a very transparent, rip off the bandaid, own it kind of person.
A few people have posted that you might want to talk to your nephew. Any reason why not? Are you angry at him because of previous untruthfulness?
The add’tl info about nephew’s prior “covering stuff up that he wanted to hide” about school was helpful.
Easiest solution to this since you do intend to go to the holiday get-together:
Ask nephew beforehand how he wants to be addressed at the holiday party: as a female or a male? And then just do that.
If nephew changes his mind between now and the holiday? Then roll with it.
For whatever reason, nephew has decided that his transition from female-to-male is not something that he wants these 2 particular relatives to know about yet. Nephew should also realize that eventually, those 2 relatives WILL find out. It would be better for them to find out directly from nephew. But that’s a different episode of Extended Family Drama 101.
Consider this…what’s the purpose of you going to the holiday party? To spend time with your extended family. Does it REALLY matter what nephew calls himself? Probably not. If nephew wanted to refer to himself as a purple people eater, would you still love him all the same? Yes.
If all else fails, engage the “I don’t know Niece is really a Nephew now” aunt & uncle in deep conversation and keep them out of nephew’s hair.
Or don’t go at all. or do something else. It’ll all work out in the long run.
sbinaz - i have 81 yr old parents and 91 yr old inlaws. 1 of the four of them i’ll say is Crotchety; but the others are not. they are loving, mentoring, kind, giving elderly adults who just do not understand this process. It makes no sense to them, and goes against their beliefs; but i can’t say they are crotchety because of that.
ETA: i’m thinking of what they’ve done over their adult lives. they’ve been foster parents, adopted a foster child, given a car to a single lady immigrant; supported her for 10 years as she gained her citizenship; they’ve mentored people from other countries, tutored young students, taught drivers ed to immigrants, were temporary guardians to a homeless youth; sponsored a homeless family; and now have two transient students who they are helping. I can’t call them crotetchy because they don’t understand this all.
Or maybe you wouldn’t (encourage transparency) if you had very elderly parents/relatives who you think would never understand this and you think it would change the relationship between them and your son for a very long time.
No one can tell you how you should feel. You either feel uncomfortable or not. That’s the problem with feelings, they aren’t predictable.
My kid isn’t broadcasting her cancer, for instance she announced her engagement but has not put on social media her cancer diagnosis. If she does post, it’s a curated group. Not her high school friends or ex boyfriends or acquaintances. That is her business who she chooses to share her truth.
If you are somewhat close to your nephew, I might text them and tell them that you love and support any of their decisions. Texting is nice for this kind of communication. They can choose to answer or not. You might say that you want them to be their authentic self but support how they choose to share that.
I also think that the untruthfulness with college might have been part of this transition. When you are living a lie, it can be mixed up with all kinds of issues such as completing college. And deeply depressed.
So, my nephew is not always the best at replying to my texts.
However, I decided to reach out to him tonight, and we had a lengthy and positive text exchange. I better understand his position on his choices about the timing of telling the great aunt and uncle I openly shared my feelings as did he, and I feel much better about our Christmas gathering.
I do want to clarify, that the great aunt is tMUCH younger than my mil. She was a, “surprise,” baby. She and her husband are in their mid-60’s so, not as old as one might think. She is very close to my dh and sil as she babysat them a lot. She was more like a cousin to them than an aunt because of their closeness in age being only six or seven years.
I appreciate all the replies here. Thank you!
You’re a good person for taking the time to talk to your nephew about everything. He knows your interest, support and concern now. And hopefully you feel better about the get together.
Thanks. I try to be a decent person, at least!
I had no issue texting my nephew at all. It’s just that he rarely responds, so I was glad he did. I started off generically and then worked into what I wanted to discuss. Thankful he replied!
Coming back with an update:
My sil told the aunt (mil’s much younger sister). I am not sure how this came about. I assume it was with niece-transitioning-to-nephew’s blessing, but Idk. If you saw my other thread about dressing at holiday family gatherings, the main person who doesn’t dress up is this particular aunt. She is the one in a sweatshirt and jeans, which is a pretty gender neutral outfit. So, the sole observable fact that niece/nephew was dressing more masculine probably wouldn’t be perceived as an indicator of anything to her. Aunt informed uncle. I don’t know what happened to nephew’s claim that he wanted tell them F2F. My guess is sil felt like I did - she was tired of living a lie around these family members.
Mil’s other siblings have not been told, but they won’t be at the gathering on Christmas. Sil says they can ask when physical appearances are undeniable. I feel sorry for my sil because she has told me she anticipates that family members will ask her rather than asking nephew.
Aunt and uncle are still coming to sil’s house on Christmas.
Hopefully all goes well.
Now they know and that particular dread is over. How the aunt and uncle act is their responsibility.
I hope that things will be at least polite but wish that people see that the person is happier. That is the most important part.