We will be traveling to see my husband’s family for Christmas. My niece is transitioning to my nephew. Our family of three, and my sil and mil all know. Sil has known since July of 2021 and we and mil have known since May of 2022. No other extended family knows. Mil’s sister and her husband will be at the Christmas gathering. We are not local, but this great aunt and great uncle of niece/nephew gathered both on July 4th and Labor Day with sil, mil, and another couple who are family friends (who also know) and nephew’s roommate. This same crew will gather at Christmas.
When this great aunt and great uncle are around, nephew reverts back to her niece name and feminine pronouns. She wears pink and jewelry. I’ve seen photos. Niece/nephew has started taking testosterone but has not been on it long enough for physical changes to occur.
The consensus of mil and sil is that the great uncle, in particular, will not take this news well. I guess this is why he and the great aunt haven’t been told?
For niece/nephew’s 30th birthday in September, the same crew was there except for great aunt and great uncle and cake had the male name, etc.
I understand this is my niece/nephew’s journey, but I feel like this concealment puts everyone in a bad position. We have not been put in this situation as of yet, but we will be at Christmas. There will be eleven of us gathered at Christmas and only the great aunt and great uncle who do not know. I am hopeful that niece/nephew will tell them before Christmas but sil thinks niece/nephew is waiting until the change becomes obvious so that they will either ask her or mil.
I feel as though I am being asked to lie. I’m not sure I have a question. I’m not sure I have any choice other than to go along with this sort of, “role playing.” Niece/nephew is in my circus, but she isn’t my monkey. But for our ds, I would choose not to travel and go there at all, but he is going to want to see his grandmother, aunt, cousin, etc.
Would this situation make you feel uncomfortable or am I making too much of this?
I have a difficult time using a new name and pronoun for someone that I’ve referred to as a different name and pronoun since birth. It takes time, and I feel horrible when I occasionally make mistakes.
Your situation wouldn’t make me uncomfortable. I would take advantage of time spent with family while everyone is healthy and able to gather.
It would be simpler, easier, and more enjoyable for me to celebrate Christmas where we currently live. I am pretty neutral on whether or not I spend the holidays with these folks, though it is a PITA to get there. But, I am less neutral about it because of this issue because I feel I am being asked to lie. It feels like drama to me.
If you choose to go, I think that you should respect the request/wishes of your niece-transitionining-to-nephew. Talk to HIM directly, not through other relatives. Ask HIM what HE wants in terms of the holiday and then do that in terms of what to call him in the presence of the other pair of relatives.
TBH, I would not go. Way to much downside. Sounds like you are, in some ways, looked at as a buffer maybe? Way too much risk of drama for me - good luck on your decision.
I always think “who are we trying to protect by not sharing this news”? Is it the one aunt and uncle? Or is it your transitioning family member from their aunt and uncle?
Sounds like your niece transitioning to nephew is 29ish years old? I think they should be making the decision on sharing the “news” with the aunt and uncle.
I don’t blame you for feeling like you’re hiding or lying. It feels like you’re harboring a “secret”. But maybe if you knew this was the desire of your nephew you’d feel less bothered by it.
I would call my niece/nephew whatever they would like me to. These days, people even change their minds from time to time about what they would like to go by. So I abide by their preference. I don’t get it, TBH, but it’s respectful. My daughter has five friends from her small social group in high school who have transitioned or are fluid.
It’s up to the 30 yr old (who’s been an adult for 12 years now) to decide when he will reveal the news to the older aunt & uncle who he’s afraid of. Your job is to back your nephew up whenever he does encounter push-back from Crotchety Old Uncle Whoever.
Go unless there is some other reason not to. Just follow the lead given you. Transitioning is a journey and not black/white. The goal is to be together at Christmas and have family time and not drama. Obviously it’s been determined that this is the better path–it is not your decision to make.
I agree. I get that you feel you’re being forced to lie, but I suspect the aunt and uncle will soon figure it out. I suspect that the nephew feels this is the way to handle it, so I think you take your cues from him and just let things play out. I think you feel this a bit more of an issue than it needs to be.
As I have been pondering it, I think some of my issues with this expectation exist because this nephew has a history of concealment/lying. He is the one who, for what would have been his entire senior year of college, “concealed,” that he had flunked out at the end of junior year and openly lied about being enrolled until three weeks before he should have graduated.
At this risk of being abrupt…it really isn’t about you. You aren’t be asked to say or do anything (unless you haven’t mentioned that you’ve been given specific instructions). If gathering with these people would be enjoyable to you, or something you feel obligated to do…then go and enjoy it.
I would tell the family that I am happy to attend, and I will call everyone by whatever name/pronoun they prefer…but…if someone asks if ______ is transitioning I will tell the truth and say “yes.”
is his/her story to tell. If he/she is not ready to tell the story, then perhaps they should refrain from the gathering. As for whether I would go, pretend you don’t know this piece of info. Would you still go?
Maybe reframe this a little. If your friend was getting divorced, would you feel like you had to tell people, or would you feel like it’s private and your friend’s business to tell people when she is ready.
If someone asked you if your friend was getting divorce, what would your response be, if you’d been asked to keep it private?
My family kept a secret from my grandmother, that my husband and I moved in together after we got engaged 6 months before the wedding. She was in her 80’s, a strict Catholic, and would’ve been upset. Heck, my husband’s parents were upset (we had dated for 5 years and spent most nights together in our apartments). We just didn’t mention it.