<p>I had a Word document full of comments, but I think this will suffice.</p>
<p>Your intro is okay, but since your thesis is "Deception is justified when used through honorable intention," your body paragraphs have to support that.</p>
<p>Body 1: The first sentence is bland. You should say that football teams used deception in order to ... (for instance, in order to fulfill the honorable intention of winning the game). Can you squeeze in another example?</p>
<p>Body 2: Again the first sentence is bland. Literature often depicts deception using characters. It's just so boring and meaningless.</p>
<p>You know what? I simply have to bring in the word document. Here it goes:</p>
<p>Your argument is fine, but spend more time correcting grammar issues!</p>
<p>Introduction: "Although generally associated with a negative connotation, some..." This is an example of a misplaced modifier. Here you're saying that "some" are generally associated with a negative connotation. Also, some what? "Football and The Odyssey exemplify unique instances when manipulation is tolerable; while..." Get rid of the semicolon and replace with a comma. Your thesis is "Deception is justified when used through honorable intention." Since that is your thesis, I expect lots of comments about honorable intention. On the whole, your introduction is good.</p>
<p>Body paragraph 1: Fine, but connect the main objective of deception to "honorable intention." Also, you need a transition.</p>
<p>Body paragraph 2: "Thankfully Odysseus was able trick the giant..." You can see the error there. "Because Odysseus's motive was selfless: exploitation was justified." Get rid of the colon, replace with comma. I'm also starting to see structure problems that I'll talk about later.</p>
<p>Body paragraph 3: Another misplaced modifier! "Considered as one of the greatest writers, William Shakespeare's Julius Caesar lucidly..." When was the last time you've ever heard of a play being known as one of the greatest writers? "Considered one of the greatest plays" is better. "In the play..." also has a mistake with the semicolon. "...when told it would benefit Roman society," not Society. </p>
<p>Conclusion: "Whether resulting negatively or positively, pertains to the user's wisdom." Another mistake.</p>
<p>Your argument is pretty good.</p>
<p>Suggestions/Things I noticed in general: </p>
<p>Your thesis is "Deception is justified when used through honorable intention." This is supported in your first two body paragraphs but is not in your third body paragraph. That means that you should extend your thesis, so that your third example supports the thesis.</p>
<p>Also, you need to try to include topic sentences. Let me explain what I mean...</p>
<p>"For example, football teams commonly use trick plays to deceive opponents."
"Literature often depicts deception using characters."
"On the other hand, literature has also portrayed unjustifiable reasons for dishonesty."</p>
<p>So what? Relate this to your thesis.</p>
<p>"For example, deception is justified when football teams use trick plays to deceive opponents, because the objective of the action is to win the game, an honorable intention." The same with the other sentences above. Also, for the first body paragraph, can you squeeze in another example, so your thesis would be more like "sports teams" instead of football teams? I'm not sure if you have enough room in two pages, though.</p>
<p>2nd paragraph: Not bad, but you should go into more detail about how the "exploitation" was justified. You only needed one or two more comments of your own thinking. To save room, you should probably take out "written by the blind minstrel Homer." We honestly don't care who wrote the Odyssey; we want to get to your point.</p>
<p>3rd paragraph: Fine, but again, change the first sentence. </p>
<p>Conclusion: You end on a confusing note. Overall, good, except for...</p>
<p>ALL THE GRAMMAR MISTAKES!!</p>
<p>It's just too sad to see an otherwise good essay get a poorer grade because of preventable grammar mistakes.</p>
<p>Back to my rubric:</p>
<p>-Effectively develops a point of view on the issue and demonstrates strong critical thinking, generally using appropriate examples, reasons, and other evidence to support its position (5)
-Is well organized and focused, demonstrating coherence and progression of ideas. (5)
-Exhibits skillful use of language, using a varied, accurate, and apt vocabulary (6)
-Lacks variety or demonstrates problems in sentence structure (3)
-Has some errors in grammar, usage, and mechanice (4)</p>
<p>5 + 5 + 6 + 3 + 4 = 23
23 / 5 x 2 = 9.2</p>
<p>Your score gets a 9.</p>
<p>Does anyone else have any thoughts?</p>
<p>Be sure that each time you introduce a new supporting example you refer the example back to your thesis. </p>
<p>Hmm... Try rewriting the essay without all the grammar mistakes, taking into account what I told you.</p>