Grade my 2nd essay attempt?

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>Wow, this sucks.
Prompt: Is deception ever justified? </p>

<p>*** CRAPTASTIC ESSAY***:
Deception is justified if the reasons behind it are morally just and unselfish. The thesis will be supported by examples from history as well as from literature. </p>

<p>In the play of "Hamlet" by William Shakespeare, young Hamlet is a troubled boy who sees his father's ghost telling him to kill his uncle Claudius to avenge his death. In the play, Hamlet deceives not only his own family but also his lover Ophelia to find out the truth. He isolates them far away so that he can ascertain the truth of what happened to his father with having anyone come close to him. Through his actions, he finds out the truth and proves the point that deception is justified if the reasons behind it are morally just and unselfish- Hamlet was doing this for his father, not merely for personal curiosity. </p>

<p>Another great example is "Romeo and Juliet" by William Shakespeare. This is the story of two starcrossed lovers who end up falling in love yet cannot be together because their families abhor each other. Consequentially, their deaths end up uniting their families together. In fact, some scholars suggest that the death of Romeo and Juliet wasn't only because they couldn't be together but also because they wanted to reconcile their families. They deceived their parents, lost friends all due to love, but also to unite the families together so that no one else would have such an unlucky fate as theirs, thus supporting the main thesis.</p>

<p>Another great example is the American Revolution. People worked together to deceive the British government for one reason- to have a nation of democracy and every citizen to have the freedom to do anything that they wish. Although this was not only treason, it was also a way for the people to come together and make a successful government based on the foundations of democracy. </p>

<p>Deception is justified if the reasons behind it are morally unjust and unselfish. We have seen this happen in literature in the tradies of "Hamlet" and "Romeo and Juliet", as well as in history with the American Revolution. No matter how deception is perceived, human beings will continue to do it no matter what. </p>

<p><strong>Thanks!!</strong></p>

2

<p>Im not exactly experienced, but i can say this:</p>

<p>-You said “another great example” twice in a row.</p>

<p>-The first example works, but you are stretching it, its not too great. You have not implemented parallelism, ie relating this to the real world.</p>

<p>-The second example is very good, however, you want to put in parallelism. And also, towards the end of that paragraph, “thus supporting the main thesis” is a no-no. I used to do that all the time and got yapped at for it.</p>

<p>-The Am. Rev. Example is the best. for this topic, and this point of view, battles /revolutions are your best bet. You induced a bit of parallelism here, but the example isnt too developed…</p>

<p>->Your conclusion killed you. You were under pressure while you were writing =)</p>

<p>“Deception is justified if the reasons behind it are morally unjust and unselfish.”</p>

<p>-Why did you say “morally unjust”? Doesnt that mean unfair? So are you trying to say that deception is justified when deception is unfair? It should be “just”.</p>

<p>“We have seen this happen in literature in the tradies of “Hamlet” and “Romeo and Juliet”, as well as in history with the American Revolution.”</p>

<p>-you spelled “tragedies” wrong
-you never say “we”, because that gives a hint of bias. dont use pronouns unless giving a personal example</p>

<p>“No matter how deception is perceived, human beings will continue to do it no matter what.”</p>

<p>-how does this sentence support what you are arguing for? Just because everyone doesnt it mean its justified!!! </p>

<p>I would simply suggest that you consider the opposition point of view as well. </p>

<p>Examples:
-George Orwell’s “Animal Farm” shows how deception of the animals by Napoleon led to the downfall of the animals.
-The folktale “The Boy Who Cried Wolf”
-F. Scott Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby, when Gatsby lies about how he got rich.
-Brutus tricked Julius Caesar and killed him, which led to a bloody civil war (From Julius Caesar, Shakespeare)</p>

3

<p>OK, I would first like to point out that you should NEVER, NEVER, EVER start off your introduction that weakly. Don’t just say outright that your “thesis will be supported by examples from history as well as from literature.” Also, don’t use “another great example” to start off your sentences. Do something more subtly to lead into your examples, such as mentioning some general statement about what the example is trying to prove, followed by “In Shakespeare’s play Hamlet, young Hamlet…” </p>

<p>I would give this a 6, mostly because the introduction and conclusion are very weak.</p>

4

<p>Oh OK, I was experimenting with different styles
I now realize you DO need a hook and stuff
Oh, that was actually a typo with the morally “unjust” thing, i actually wrote just on my essay. Whoops =)
So, 6/12 right? wow, that’s quite bad.</p>

5

<p>That’s definitely higher than a 6…</p>

<p>I don’t like “thesis will be” part. Otherwise you intro is decent.
The conclusion should be way stronger though.</p>

<p>Basically what tofuisgood4u but a higher grade. Maybe an 8.</p>

6

<p>I’d try to avoid using Hamlet in any SAT essay. Not only will Shakespeare be somewhat redundant, but it is very complex, especially Hamlet. How “just” and “moral” was Hamlet in his quest? His actions led to Ophelia’s suicide, and in his killing of Polonius he showed no remorse, not to mention almost every other character dying, including many unnecessary deaths (Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, for one). And he does find out the truth through the play, but why was all his deception necessary to force a “confession” from Claudius? And why is something justified just because a ghost resembling your father tells you to do it?</p>

<p>Now, I may not be drawing the “correct” conclusions here, but one thing is important; it’s hard to decisively argue that Hamlet was so virtuous, and it’s equally difficult to argue the opposite. So, my advice would be to use some simpler works, ones that are not overused by test-takers. Or avoid texts at all. I find that the best essays contain somewhat original examples as evidence (in your case, the American Revolution- in fact, almost all revolutions/revolts would be pertinent, thus you could argue for the general case. Other things you could use include “don’t ask don’t tell”, white lies, etc.).</p>

7

<p>your introduction is extremely weak, just from that I believe your score out of 12 would not be good at all, however your examples are fairly strong, but your introduction simply can not lead me to believe that you are a strong writer and deserving of a high score, however, I can’t give you an exact score because I’m not certain rough estimate ~6</p>

8

<p>I thought I should get straight to the point. I was just experimenting, but now I realize a little hook wouldn’t be too bad.
Taking these things into mind, I’ll do another essay. Thanks a lot for the advice guys!</p>