It’s an interesting situation, at the intersection of what makes you feel comfortable ethically and what your real rights and obligations might be. For what it is worth, in the mergers and acquisitions market this kind of thing happens all the time. It has been my experience that disclosing the actual amount of the offer from one party to another does not necessarily create leverage. Instead you might consider giving directional but clear feedback that represents your true position. “We have received substantially more financial aid from another school, which while it is not our child’s first choice, is comparable in quality. We would love to pick you, but need you to reconsider the amount you have offered and come back with your best proposal to help close the gap. I am not comfortable sharing the specifics, but suffice it to say your offer needs to be reasonably improved.” Or something to that effect. I hear this kind of thing from investment bankers all the time and it tends to get the message across without going over the ethics line. Free advice can be worth less than you pay for it, so just passing the thoughts along with this knowledge!
Still one revisit tomorrow, but DD’s favorites are Cate & Exeter. Really?!! Could the two schools be any more different from each other? Talk about small pond vs. big pond!
@RedSoxFan18 We had a similar incident where the student host my daughter was emailing with fell ill and she had a substitute. It wasn’t really the reason the school was ruled out, but it definitely makes a difference - it’s definitely important to my DD to feel that connection with host.
@TheStig2 I’m hoping the connection is there on Thursday. It would be a huge lost opportunity for DD. I know the right decision but she needs to see that for herself.
@TheStig2 Choose Exeter! Choose Exeter!
Subliminal message:
@stargirl3: Choose Solebury! Choose Solebury!
And we’re down to a choice between just 2 schools, so making some progress! Went to a revisit day earlier. There were some things about the school that I liked but for the most part I was underwhelmed. Luckily when I met back up with Soxgirl after her classroom visits and lunch, the very first thing she said to me was “I knew within 10 minutes this morning that this wasn’t the place for me.” So we excused ourselves from the rest of the revisit day and skedaddled out of there.
I did find it interesting to compare notes with some of the other parents over lunch, though. People were pretty open in talking about what other schools they were still considering. And I had to bite my tongue a bit, because one dad I was talking to had sat in on the same class I did earlier that morning, and he was raving about how impressed he was by it, and I had exactly the opposite reaction. I managed to say so, politely, and his wife just started cracking up and admitted that she should never have let him go off to see an English class by himself.
@TheStig2 There was still snow on the ground and not a single crocus out when we were there last week. This is in contrast to the stunning campus near the ocean that inspired the song “Hotel California” at Cate. Good luck.
Going on a revisit tomorrow w/D who’s already decided it’s the place for her. If you see someone wandering around giving the other parents sidelong glances, whispering “Soxmom? Winchester mom? TheStig2?” you’ll know it’s me. :)>-
@stargirl3 Why do you say choose Exeter?
@heartburner We were at Exeter Friday, which happened to be a warm day (the girls were all excited, lots of dreses and bare legs) but still piles of snow on the ground and more in the forecast. From a parent weekend perspective, I’ll choose Carpinteria every time. Trying to not let my warm weather bias show, but I’m probably not successful with that!
Thanks everyone. It’s been really helpful to hear that 1) there are others in the same boat and 2) I don’t need him to finish an exercise in comparison when his gut has already answered the question (revisit day notwithstanding). As you all know, it is an exercise in futility to get a teenager to do much…if that’s an unnecessary battle, I’m okay with that. I wasn’t trying to change his mind, I just didn’t want to hear about it next year when he realized that the school he picked didn’t offer something he was hoping to do.
I guess I should send some emails and write a check…the first of many.
@TheStig2 I’m just joking; I’m on the WL at Cate. 
Yes, we did the “skirt around” but they specifically wanted to see the offer. And as for comparing if the award school was on par with the lesser offer…the lesser offer was from the MUCH less prestigious school. Go figure. It’s just unethical.
Another interesting thing we found out: at least one school chops off funds from the FA award if you have 529s. They specifically said that if you have a 529 you won’t have to take as much out in loans for college.
…duh…isn’t that the point!!!
So, let’s examine the LOGIC here…
Family-A makes $X and saved into 529s while Family-Z makes THE SAME and blew the cash.
They give $m to Family-Z but chop a hunk OFF the FA for Family-A.
Say Family-A has $80,000 in 529s. They say “4 years at our HS and 4 years in Undergrad is 8 years”. $80,000/8=$10,000 so for Family-A we do an automatic reduction on FA of $10,000/year.
REALLY???
And when it comes to college, Family-A will have the funding available in their 529s while Family-Z gets FA (AGAIN!).
It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to realize we should have blown the 529 money on trips, nannies, camps, clothes, dinners out, vacations, sports, etc.!
Being fiscally responsible has been a sham and that’s sad for our society.
Done 3 revisits. DS Going to NMH.
Congrats to paynKid! 
S going to St. Mark’s. He’s excited. We’re relieved. Very long, stressful process.
All the best to everyone heading to BS in the fall (and to your parents) and to all those just beginning the process.
We are making progress. Until Sunday, DD was still on the fence as to whether to attend BS, so that hurdle has been crossed…hurray! Now we have to take the plunge and commit to a school. It makes me feel so much better that this process is difficult for others besides our family.
A10 -1…
Best of luck to those still considering your options.
We hadn’t even thought of BS until November of last year. We had no idea what we were in for. I take my hat off to anybody that doesn’t get accepted and reapplies the next year, because we probably wouldn’t have done that. Between the FA application, testing twice, studying, tutor, essays, stress of not knowing if it is enough, etc, it was a tough 5 months. But…success. He/she went 2 for 2 at GLADCHEMS schools.
We’re done. NMH it is. The check is in the mail. Here we go…