<p>As a family new to Dartmouth, we have been surprised by our son's difficulty getting settled at Dartmouth. He is now a sophomore and still finds it a challenging 'fit.' He has never been a kid who struggled socially (Pres of his Student Senate in H.S.; captain of Basketball & Baseball teams) yet he feels a bit alienated by the students, who he sees as much more superficial. Academically he has done very well, but his roommate has had very bad experiences being rejected by the Ski Patrol, and a couple of fraternities that he rushed. All of this has us worried about our son...and wondering what we have either missed...since the vast majority of Dartmouth Alums bleed green...or what it is that we can do to help him. He can't be the only one to have had this experience...yet it feels almost sacrilegious to mention any disappointment on his part...or difficulty in making friends.</p>
<p>If he hasn’t already, I’d encourage him to try out as many organizations as he can in which he has any interest to pull together a critical mass of like-minded friends. My daughter was unhappy for the first few weeks of her freshman year until she found “her people.” She was not part of the alcohol-fueled Greek crowd and knew she never would be, which cut her out of the large majority of the Dartmouth social scene. But she eventually found close friends from three different sources: her church, the Outing Club, and DSO. Once she developed a solid group of friends she’s been pretty happy ever since.</p>
<p>Now in her Jr. year she says loves Dartmouth but still feels alienated from the main social scene. The frats rule the social world and anyone considering Dartmouth should understand what that means. But with the support of good friends and plenty of activities, Dartmouth can still be a great experience.</p>
<p>Our daughter, who is now a Sophomore, had a rocky first year at Dartmouth. This year has gone much better, and it relates to her having found great friends primarily through her sorority, although contacts from other activities have also helped. She feels that the first year at Dartmouth is, by its nature, difficult socially since the sorority/fraternity scene is quite dominant socially, and first year students only participate in a peripheral way since they can’t join until Sophomore year. Nevertheless, I also think that her happiness this year relates to some maturing of relationships which were initiated during the Freshman year - it seems that there is a lot of sorting out socially that takes a year or so to work through. As noted by Coureur, finding a solid group of friends is important, but does take some time to happen. Nevertheless, I do believe that the social scene and interpersonal relationships are much better at Dartmouth than the other ivies, reflecting the relatively small size of the college, its geographic location, and the greater sense of community.</p>
<p>I mean, it is possible that your son isn’t a good fit. People who don’t like the Greek system, and aren’t willing to take the initiative to find friends outside of it, will very likely find themselves unhappy at Dartmouth. These are the people who transfer out, and complain about fit.</p>
<p>Your son’s roommate sounds like he’s socially inept, to be honest. Rejection from Ski Patrol? Fine, totally normal–it’s a very competitive club. From multiple fraternities? That means he’s not well-liked, or he’s just a social climber. Guys rush fraternities where they’ve hung out and like the brothers. If he liked the brothers at multiple houses and none of them liked him, doesn’t that seem like a red flag to you? The other possibility is that he rushed frats at which he never hung out because they’re popular, in which case he deserved to get dinged.</p>
<p>I’m not going to go dispensing advice about how your son should proceed from here because he’s an adult. If he’s opposed to the Greek system and unhappy being a part of a smaller social scene, he should transfer. If he isn’t, he should stop being socially ■■■■■■■■. There are all kinds of people here, so there is absolutely no reason he shouldn’t have friends.</p>
<p>Bilbrook, I completely understand about your “sacrilegious” statement and almost PM’d you instead of posting. My S is a junior who was very disenchanted beginning freshman year. His outlook has improved since joining a fraternity last year but your comments resonate. What others have posted is true. The social scene revolves around Greek life, primarily the frat houses. He enjoys the brotherhood, but would love if they’d restrict basement parties. He spends much of his time performing “risk management” duties. His greatest disappointment is the irresponsible behavior of many students, and I don’t know if it’s fair, but he singles out females as being especially so.</p>
<p>To be fair, most of the sources of his complaints would occur at any school. He is not outgoing and if he does try something with less than satisfactory results, he won’t try it again. Stubborn, lazy, impatient, I’m not sure, probably all - i.e. Outing Club trip didn’t make so he won’t sign up for another. I think maturity and perspective have a great deal to do with fit. Those who are either immature or old souls have the hardest time, I believe.</p>
<p>I think adjusting expectations and making the most of what he does enjoy can lead to satisfaction. Just like high school, college isn’t always the greatest years of one’s life.</p>
<p>Sometimes the fit isn’t the best. My son roomed off campus with a friend from California who wanted to go to Cal Tech but wasn’t admitted. He had a quiet nature and had enjoyed basketball in high school, but the coach didn’t give him much of a try-out. Dartmouth was the “best” school which had admitted him, but I think he looked forward to going back to California.
I think the advice of joining groups with interests one enjoys is excellent. My son is an Indy music type guy, and helped start “Friday Night Rock” for student and visiting bands. The administration was always looking to promote alternatives to the Greek scene, and funded him handsomely. They attracted a group of fellow travelers, several of whom he remains close to today. He was on good terms with two or three of the Greek houses, but found he was always welcome and never felt a need to join. I would say he was unhappy with the place his first term, maybe feeling he didn’t fit in with a bunch of preppy suburbanites. He was an urban kid. I remember as a parent feeling upset with his unhappiness.
Regarding the “superficiality” perception- part of the culture of the place is to be friendly and outgoing. This can be misread as superficial. Over and over again my son was surprised in one-on-one conversations that people had such diversity of interests and passions, sometimes obscure ones. Their depth and individuality had been obscured by a seeming sameness in manner. Most people enjoy the friendly vibe and regard it as the strength of the place. But I can see how it might seem superficial to some.
Finally, many students are unhappy at college, more than will admit it. I took a summer course at one school where someone had carved into the dorm room woodwork “these are the best years of your life”. It was clear this written with painful sarcasm.</p>
<p>Thanks very much everyone for your input. It is very helpful and you are very kind to take the time to share your views.</p>