Anyone willing to grade my ACT essay?

<p>Hi! I'm taking the ACT on Saturday, so any feedback would be very appreciated!</p>

<p>Here's the prompt: In some high schools, students are required to complete a certain number of community service hours prior to graduation. Some people think community service is a good requirement because they think students will benefit from this experience. Other people think schools should not require community service because students will resent the requirement and, as a result, will not benefit from the experience. In your opinion, should high schools require students to complete a certain number of hours of community service?
In your essay, take a position on the question. You may write about either one of the two points of view given, or you may present a different point of view on this question. Use specific reasons and examples to support your position.</p>

<p>My response:</p>

<p>Although some high schools require a certain number of community service hours prior to graduation, I believe that this obligation should not exist.</p>

<p>Firstly, community service should be done out of the kindness of one's heart; it should not be forced. Serving food to the homeless and cleaning garbage off of highways seem like boring jobs to teenagers, who would much rather be going to the movies and hanging out with friends. Although student resentment toward these tasks is understandable, that pessimistic attitude benefits neither the student nor the community, as it is likely that the student would subconsciously perform the job sloppily. </p>

<p>Also, requiring someone to give back to the community is considered breaking one's free will and right to choose, which is a complete contradiction to what our founding fathers championed. It also completely juxtaposes the term "volunteer," since most of the students are only performing the tasks to get their required hours. Thus, students should not be obligated to complete community service in order to graduate - they should do it on their own free will.</p>

<p>While some may say that community service builds character, it is completely ridiculous to think that when someone is being forced to do something. True character will only be built when a student decides to take action and give back to the community on his/her own free will. </p>

<p>From a personal perspective, I would enjoy community service much more, knowing that I was doing a good deed - not fulfilling a graduation requirement. Although some students might not do community service if the requirement was done away with, I would continue giving back to my community. Also, the people who would continue would perform their tasks with care, because they don't resent being there. Thus, getting rid of the requirement of community service would produce a more caring group of true volunteers, as well as making students feel less selfish about their contributions.</p>

<p>In conclusion, requirements for community service should be abolished, because they are not effective in promoting character building and a beneficial experience. Instead, they lead to resentment from the students and poorly performed tasks, thus helping no one.</p>

<p>typical 7 or 8. these essays are not about actual good writing! you need to fill up 3.5 out of the 4 pages with an advanced vocabulary. look at my other post</p>

<p>ok, thanks! </p>

<p>& i’m new to this site! could you link me your other post?</p>

<p><a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/act-preparation/1435521-act-tips-practice-tests.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/act-preparation/1435521-act-tips-practice-tests.html&lt;/a&gt;
the first page second post is how to get an 11/12 on essay</p>

<ol>
<li>lack of flow </li>
</ol>

<p>vary your sentence length, in fact some of your sentences are absurdly long. If they take more than a breath to say then it’s too long. split them into smaller and more concise sentences </p>

<p>stay consistent with the transition words. firstly, secondly, thirdly, etc… > firstly, also, while, from </p>

<p>juxtapose-it cuts the flow when there’s only one or two highly advanced word in the whole essay </p>

<ol>
<li><p>third supporting paragraph is very lacking, your opinion without reasoning.
it’s only two sentences, that only covers the intro and conclusion. elaborate more </p></li>
<li><p>beef up the introduction </p></li>
<li><p>also, also, thus, thus, thus, although, although, thus, also, etc…
these words were repetitive throughout your essay. change it up! ’
also- plus, additionally, furthermore
thus-conclusively, therefore, ergo, consequently
although-however, but, nonetheless </p></li>
</ol>

<p>You don’t need to know fancy alternatives of these but avoid ending most of your paragraphs with thus. Avoid using also twice in the same paragraph or at least in a row. </p>

<p>The thing to work on is probably sentence length and elaboration. It’s a lot easier to read a 5-8 sentence long paragraph than the same info jammed into a 3 sentence one (and I counted, the most sentences you have in one is 4). </p>

<p>I really doubt length is the factor, length correlates with how much the student elaborated and made a stronger argument for their essay</p>

<p>@Athana, thank you so much!</p>

<p>Bump! Anyone else willing to give me some feedback? :)</p>

<p>I’ve posted a new one for anyone interested! </p>

<p><a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/act-preparation/1457601-feedback-my-act-essay.html#post15448836[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/act-preparation/1457601-feedback-my-act-essay.html#post15448836&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;