Just wanted to follow up and thank everyone for the support, and to share that although it was very stressful (at least for the parents) our child was accepted at several schools as a one year senior transfer. Even at a few that we didn’t think would be an option. Sports didn’t hurt the acceptances (we’ll keep private for now as they haven’t officially told their current school) but the maturity and poise our child showed in interviews with admissions and coaches made us proud and definitely made it happen. We made several visits to the top two choices to get a better feel, so our child could hang out with future teammates, attend classes, speak with administrators about leadership opportunities, etc. and our child has made their choice and is very excited for the opportunity. They have stayed positive and engaged academically, athletically and socially at their current school as they wanted to make sure it’s the right move. So if your child is ever truly struggling or just unhappy enough to want to look at options, if you can accommodate that you are at least giving them the gift of a choice. I think that is was has made the most difference for our child—the feeling of some control. That’s allowed them to make an educated, thoughtful and somewhat unemotional (in a good way) decision. We’re still a little sad of what they’ll be leaving but trying to see things through their eyes—very excited for what’s ahead!
Thanks for coming back with the update. I am so glad that both the process and the outcome were positive and healing. (Kinda hate the new age-ish ness of that word, but seems appropriate!)
Here’s to senior year!
Thank you! Teens can be so resilient and young enough to not be overly sentimental unlike their parents. He’s committed to rock his spring sport, have fun with friends and finish strong and then head off for his last hoorah next fall.
Wow. This thread hits home in so many ways. We have been in a very similar situation. We knew at Parents Weekend the first year that DD was not thriving. We tried to talk about transferring at Thanksgiving but DD refused because she felt she needed to stick it out. Again, at Christmas-I called other schools, but DD wouldn’t hear if it and was determined to make it work. Finally, at Spring Break - her dad and I informed her she would not be going back. We had lost the child we sent to BS. She was struggling in every aspect and her mental health was shattered. Her reaction was gutteral. She was so upset and felt she had “failed”. But within 24 hours, it was like a weight had been lifted and the sun had started to shine again. We started to see the amazing, driven person that we had 8 months ago. Fast forward to a year later- DD has been home going to the local LDS, which has crazy STEM curriculum and although DD has completed math requirements for graduation, she didn’t do so while in HS, so they are requiring her to take advanced engineering-based math courses which we begged to be able to drop but they refused. She’s better but going through the motions and really has nothing that excites her.
So, at the last minute, we decide to explore arts schools. She was just accepted to Walnut Hill and is beyond excited about the prospect. She will repeat a year, in order to get the full BS experience and to maximize her arts training.
We are all a bit nervous- there’s no guarantee this will be the right place. But we stress to DD to make the best of every situation until it is obvious it’s toxic and/or not going to improve and then you pivot and take a different path.
There’s no shame in this - we change jobs for less offenses every day…why do we feel shame when it happens to our kids with school? I appreciate the OP for being open, honest and vulnerable. You don’t know how much reading this thread helped me stop blaming and questions myself for an identical situation.
Kudos to you for keeping your focus on your daughter and supporting what is best for her! I fear that it is easy to get caught up in the process and the “exclusive” nature of admissions but these schools are not magical, or perfect, or right for everyone. I think this is why people on this board stress finding the right “fit”. Yes, with the right fit, a student can thrive. There are differences among the schools - which is a great thing! It makes it increasingly possible to find the right fit. I hope she loves her new school!
@Boardingschoolx2 I couldn’t love your update more!! And I agree – life is way too short to be in a place that isn’t filling your soul. I am eagerly awaiting news next year on how it’s going!
And @buuzn03 – I know you already know this but your news makes my day! I am beyond excited for what the future holds for your amazing daughter. I hope she loves Walnut Hill as much as I am imagining she will!!!
I’m so happy it was helpful. It was so emotional and stressful for all of us for sure. Although our child would have been “fine” staying at the current school, I think there would have been regrets. However, they’re now hearing from a few classmates and teammates that they wish they’d have looked too (not saying that’s a good thing or a reflection on the school, the imaginary “transfer portal” is just becoming a reality in HS after these athletes seeing it happen in college). Not to say there won’t be regrets in leaving too but that’s life—we always have them and happiness is key. Best of luck to your daughter. It sounds like she’s been on an exhausting journey but that will become part of her story in finding a place where she can thrive! And hugs to you—watching your child struggle is the worst. Please keep us posted!
I just wanted to say: we had the SAME experience where so many kids opened up to my daughter after they found out she decided to transfer and shared they wished they could also transfer. (and in fact, her roommate, plus two other dorm mates DID decide to transfer.). I personally felt like it was pretty sad that freshmen who realized they weren’t in their right place felt too much pressure – either from their parents, themselves, society, whatever – to dare to pivot.
Although my daughter is not a senior, she has had a similar experience to @Boardingschoolx2 and @Calliemomofgirls have shared. My daughter is transferring schools, and since announcing it, she has heard from several classmates that they wished they had also considered transferring. A few have even called her “lucky” and “smart” for following her gut feelings. That said, she has really liked being at the school, but overall the experience she is getting is not what she wanted from a prep school. She thrives on connections with her peers and teachers / staff / coaches. Unfortunately, while she has made some amazing friends, the connections with most faculty and staff have not happened. I only hear her talking about one teacher she really seems to have connected with.
Thanks for sharing that @Kzedmonds. Good for your daughter being willing to make a change. My daughter transferred freshman year and it was the best decision!
And the thing is they can be ok or even happy but not thriving or maximizing their potential. I think the common theme is it’s not one school, it could be any school. Every student is unique and has individual needs and goals, obviously some of which they don’t know until they’re living in an environment. Just know sometimes kids do need to stick it out but in other cases it’s ok to change—we have to know our kids and which category they fall into.
But, the lack of connection with adults at BS seems to be a common theme that I’ve seen on this forum and have heard from friends with kids at a variety of BSs. I think it’s some combination of concern for liability based on all of exposed sexual misconduct through the years at boarding schools (one of ours applied to SPS and clearly they disclose in writing their past issues to applicants) as well as the residual effect of limited contact during the quarantine. In light of the mental health crisis teens are facing I hope all schools are working to improve this.