Approaching a professor/teacher, asking for a lesson, and other queries

College Majors Music Major
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@fivethirtyfive:
The one thing I have learned about the whole process with music students is that there really isn’t one golden way, one path that fits all, one of the things that makes it so hard is because one person’s “Secret Teacher” (I love that label, seen more than a few claims about the mysterious secret teacher who turns musical sows ears into silk purses:) is another persons “OMG, how the hell did anyone learn from that person?”. The other thing is finding that ‘right path’ is gonna change over time if my experience holds (and keep in mind, this is simply my own perspective/view), what I thought I had learned X years ago when my son started this process, and what I think today, have changed a lot, on schools, teachers, the path, etc, and unless my S is odd, he has changed views a lot too, about what constitutes what, comes from experience going down the path and of course, growing up in his case (on the other hand, I think he would say in my case I refuse to grow up, but that is another story:).

I like tjhe shoot for the moon idea, while there needs to be a dose of reality in the music path, one of the things kids and parents will say is “I could never get in there” or “that won’t be affordable”, when perhaps there is a chance. Reality check is the kid we see from time to time who come on here, and is someone who because of their description, is not going to get into the high level program they think they can. But rather a kid seems to be accomplished but is saying things like “everyone else is so much better than me, they win competitions, etc” and saying that means they shouldn’t bother with high level programs, when they may be judging themselves wrong…(tends to be a common trait among music students, I suspect music teachers are so good at teaching them to hear their faults, they think they must stink lol). Basically, you never know, the studio my S will be in in grad school is with a teacher that many of the ‘hotshot’ kids on the violin want to study with, the ones who have won somewhat major competitions, who technically are probably better than my S, yet my S got in with a good package while more than a few of these ‘hot’ students either got waitlisted, rejected or didn’t get much in the way of tuition merit awards…so there is always an X factor there.

There also is another thing as a music parent that applies to being a parent as well, with this crazy process it is frustrating and hard and nebulous and (seemingly or not) arbitrary to us (and worse to the kid) and the natural assumption is that somehow if things don’t seem to be gelling or we aren’t on the right track or we aren’t doing enough, that that is a sign we likely are doing the right thing, because it means we care enough and want to support our music kids, and that the worries of inadequacy or not doing the right thing is likely a sign that we are doing the right thing:) (therapist friend of mine said a long time ago that you can generally tell a good parent from a bad one, a good parent will fret and worry they are doing the right thing, looking at what happens, things that happens, and assume it is because they were not a good parent, whereas a bad parent is someone who will tell you what a great parent they are:).

I kind of think of being the parent of a music student like a classic example from the organizational behavior classes I took in grad management school, known as the Hawthorn Gas Works study back in the late 19th century, one of the first ‘scientific’ studies of management and productivity, and they did all these experiments that puzzled them, they made it brighter in the works, productivity went up, they made it dimmer, productivity went up, they painted the place white, they painted it blue, rearranged the furniture…and each time productivity went up, no mater what they did. They eventually figured out the key was that in changing things, it showed someone actually was observing what went on, cared to do these things, and that was what boosted productivity…with music parenting, I think the key is we support the kids as best we can, fret along with them, help them make decisions, laugh with them, cry with them, and let them know we are behind them, that when we gather information like on here, or suggest they try things, or listen when they talk about what they want to do, it shows we care, and that is huge. I have seen some pretty talented music kids stumble and I am pretty well convinced that while the parents pressured them, dragged them into doing competitions, they were doing it for the wrong reasons, rather than working with the kid, they were controlling them for their own reasons, and in the end the kids burned out or otherwise failed; whereas with the parents where the kids succeeded it is where the parents showed they cared about the kid and his/her experience of music, and as a result end up nervous wrecks smile.

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I nominate the above post for “best of the year”. I feel so much better about myself after reading it. So true!

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Great Post MusicPrnt. And I would add to what is said by reminding you that college is not an end point. It is only the beginning. All too often we treat acceptance into some top program as an end point. When my son was accepted into conservatories, I was nervous. As a non-music parent I was not sure he “had what it takes” to make it. I did not view him as a prodigy or unusually talented. And I worried he was being mislead into a career he would eventually fail at. So I talked to some of the potential teachers at the top programs he was considering. One of them said to me, "
I have had students arrive who I thought were brilliant and were going to excel and they flat-lined and drifted away. While I have had other students enter my studio who I see as mediocre or average who have suddenly taken off and become stars."

I have a son(Jazz Bassist) about to leave graduate school. He feels he is still growing and learning and improving. More importantly he seems to be constantly revising what he envisions as his future. Does he want to mostly perform? Teach? Compose? Collaborate? Who will be his community now that he is out of school? How much does he want to struggle financially? How much autonomy does he want? US or Abroad?

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My point of view that I expressed a while back to S, who is just ready to start college as a jazz bassist, is to kind of “look through” or “look past” college as if you know you want to do something, and you are heading forward, and college can happen along the way. Other corollaries would be “they don’t sprinkle magic powder on you in college” and “when they kick you out at the end of 4 years, you want to hit the ground running”. If my S ends up thinking in the same way as StacJip’s S is, I would not be surprised at all.

I am kind of hopeful for S that he is aware that he might be able to “go deep” and find a good break to pursue music professionally, or he might have to “go wide” and incorporate something non-musical as a major pursuit.

What do you think of these stories (maybe sticky-worthy?):
http://jazz.unt.edu/TMAYW-overview

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Maybe we need another thread for this discussion. I feel as if it has gotten away from the original post but has a lot of value.

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I agree - I kind of knew I was part of the hijack but couldn’t stop. Sorry.

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You are clearly raising your kids to follow their dreams, @fivethirtyfive, as neither parent is a musician according to what you wrote.
You got excellent advice up there^^^.

I just wanted to add that our DD knew by the time she was a sixth grader that it was “Juilliard or Curtis or bust.” This sounded absurd to me then. Five years later, on the year she had to apply & audition, Curtis threw a curveball, (no opening for pianists, NONE, and no auditions for such that year) and I thought, “here goes.” We persuaded her to apply a little wider. She got in everywhere and has been at Juilliard since.
So sometimes they just know, even at an impossibly young age.

As far as approaching teachers, this is often done with the strong recommendation or connection of the current music teacher. We knew nothing about this, but it turns out that making these connections to take a sample lesson or lessons matters a great deal. It will not make a teacher take your son, but make it a tad more likely that they’ll both sense a fit or mis-fit, and a good preparation on how or where to proceed.

In DD’s case, she drove the bus so to speak. But her piano teacher was a great adviser and did make some contacts that opened communication to the teachers that mattered.

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I am sorry, but a sixth grader “just knowing” she wants Curtis or Juilliard is like any kid who “just knows” he or she wants Harvard or Yale. Great she got in, but it is generally not constructive or healthy to focus on top schools, as you well know, since you encouraged broader choices.