My father is in hospice care, and has been for almost a month. My siblings and I are taking turns taking care of my 90 yr old Mom, and managing various Dad-related things.
The extended family had a picnic last summer at their house, and it was great; we put a 2023 version on our calendars for this month.
Dad has since gotten much worse and much weaker. Mom decided the picnic should go on, but she will still spend her several hours with him at the hospice. That’s the backstory.
A niece has announced that it’s “tradition” to take a group photo, and she will just print headshots of anyone missing — including my parents — and it will be a keepsake. I responded that maybe the circumstances called for candid photos (we are a family of shutterbugs) but not a big portrait. She said nope, circumstances make it especially important. She would like a big group photoof everyone there.
Opinions? Am I wrong in being aghast? I told my siblings privately that I am not doing this, but will let others decide for themselves without making a fuss. My poor mom – niece says well we could wait for her and take it then, and I am thinking ugh, no, she’ll be so sad.
My dad was in a nursing home for 7 years and I don’t regret having photos of him from that time because there would be no photo of him and my youngest if not, but I also rarely ever want to look at them. I don’t think there’s any harm in taking the photo, but you might want to tuck it away rather than display it. I was not aghast at family portraits taken during that time, but they’re not photos I go back and look at or put on the wall or the calendar, y’know? I think there’s room for some middle ground like the candid shots or just do it without you and your mom and let the people who want to do it. No room for your niece pressuring anyone.
To clarify, my father would not be in any photos, nor will he be at the picnic. Mom has to leave his side to attend, and then return to him afterwards.
In my family, if taking a group family photo was tradition (or, if gathering the extended family was a special event), my mom would absolutely want us to take the photo - and no subbing in headshots of those not present. It’s a snapshot in time, and of the circle of life. My parents would be thrilled that we thought it was meaningful to do this despite the circumstances. My mother’s greatest wish as she was dying was to be promised that the entire family would still continue to gather once she and my dad were no longer with us. So I would be on the “take the photo” side of this argument. You never know who else may be with you this year, and not next year.
If the photo in question is to be an actual portrait, as in framed and hung on the wall, then that’s a different consideration.
I don’t think there’s a right or wrong answer. And I don’t think the issue is the photo. The issue is the high emotion (understandably) of your father’s end of life.
We aren’t a family of picture takers, and because of that I completely understand your niece’s perspective.
A big group photo isn’t a value statement, it’s capturing a moment in time. For various reasons, we haven’t captured enough moments in time in my family. I regret that. I do not regret photos where there are missing people, sick people, etc. I am grateful to have the photos, even if it means looking at some of them wistfully while remembering that Aunt Paula isn’t in it because she was visiting Uncle John at the nursing home.
I don’t understand the headshots part, unless she is trying to find a compromise where everyone can be present.
I understood that, but my point is the niece should not be pressuring people, but I don’t think there’s any harm in taking a photo of people who want to participate. If there are missing people (your dad, your mom, you) or added headshots it might be a photo you don’t want to look at in the future, but there’s not anything to be aghast about IMO unless the niece is pressuring people. It should be a whoever wants to participate can thing.
We have a similar tradition with some of our friends and a New Year’s celebration that has been going on in one form or another for 25+ years. We have added in folks who didn’t make it to the group photo, but there’s not a lot of pressure to participate if you don’t want to.
If the niece is being anything but supportive of y’all then she needs to back off, but your mom decided that the picnic should still happen so I don’t think a group photo of the folks that attended is out of line at all.
But please don’t feel pressured to participate if you’re not up for it. And feel free to tell niece to back off if she comes on too strongly.
I’m sorry that your dad is nearing the end. It is hard. Be gentle with yourself and each other.
I guess this struck me a little differently than it did most posters. A group photo of everyone at a family picnic seems like a totally normal thing - a casual thing to put in your album (or digital equivalent). And I didn’t read it as though anyone was going to be photoshopped in - I understood the thing about headshots to mean the niece would make some kind of composite photo that included the group in attendance plus headshots of those not able to attend. That seemed like a nice idea to me, but if the idea is making the OP aghast, I may be missing something.
After all, it seems like with any family gathering, there may be some who are too ill or otherwise unable to attend or maybe are recently deceased, but that doesn’t seem like a reason not to take a group photo - has this never come up before in the years that this has been a tradition? Again, I feel like I may be missing something about this particular occasion.
I also see no issue with a group picture for those who want to participate. I’m not clear if this involves the niece’s own grandparents or the other side of the family. In any event, rather than turn the gathering into a pre-wake or pre-shiva, it could be an opportunity to feel the loving support of the family. For some, the picture could be a happy memory of closeness, not a picture of exclusion. I likely wouldn’t add headshots of missing people.
The niece’s offer to wait for your mom to show up is fine. If the mom is too sad to participate, at least she knows she was welcomed.
Sounds like your niece and I think alike about photos.
I think it sounds wonderful that she’s thinking of the whole family–the ones able to participate and those who cannot. While the group photo at a picnic is a moment in time she also wants to capture the entire family at a moment in time–and that means also those too frail to attend–nobody gets left out. While to some that may mean a very sad period of time it won’t to the younger people in the family. It’ll signal that everyone no matter age or health is important to the family and worth inclusion. (And I know my Dad would’ve been happy to be included in a family photo even when he could never attend).
I would definitely take the picture. You never know what will happen in the future outside of your parents.
One of my favorite pictures is the one we have following my MIL’s burial. It was taken at the cemetery. There was a small hill so the grandchildren wanted a picture taken on it. 33 out of the 34 grandchildren were there. One of them is holding a picture of Grammy. Since that time one of them has died of colon cancer.
You can never recapture that moment in time. Your Dad might even enjoy the picture.
OP – thanks for all your thoughts. My dad is semi-conscious, often sedated, and often irate that he is not home and blames his beloved wife of 6+ decades for that. He will not know nor care about the photo and would not see it anyway. He is, however, ginning up bc there is mention of a picnic and wants to know why he isn’t home.
She sits with him every day, absorbing his confusion and anger. She would have cancelled the picnic but did not want to disappoint her 8 adult grandchildren. She will not be attending; they hope to make the trip from the house to the hospice and see him if he is awake, aware, and not angry. The great grandchildren are not permitted in the hospice.
Mom is uncomfortable with the optics of a party on her front lawn while her husband is dying. I have consoled her that what other people think is not important, but assured her that I will do my best to keep things low key and casual. This is the second year we’ve had a picnic, which is a way of giving people an alternate gathering for Christmas since schedules are bonkers. So “tradition” is a bit of a stretch. There will be lots of photos taken, regardless. People absent from the photo will be represented by someone else holding a photo of a missing person. (She has also suggested everyone hold a photo of my dad). Then my mom can “use the photo for her Christmas cards”. By Christmas, he will be gone.
Niece is a lovely girl, with good intentions. No question. Based on your inputs I can see that other people may be fine with a commerative "remember the great party we had when Dad was dying? " but I will just zip it and graciously decline. It is all so hard, and I just can’t. I just can’t.
My opinion only. The group photo should be of those who are able to be present only. No head shots photoshopped in or anything like that.
Maybe a good compromise would be a picture collage this year…something special from everyone.
The first year we were married, we were not able to be at MILs house for Christmas…and it was the first time any of her 6 kids hadn’t shown up for the holiday. I will add…this wasn’t a choice…it was work related. DH had to be at a job on December 26 at 7:30 in the morning…and it wasn’t near where his parents live. That still comes up with MIL and it’s been 42 years. No one else cares…in fact…I’m not sure anyone else even still has the picture!
Pictures capture what is happening at the time…not what you wish was happening at the time.
My opinion ….(only you can decide what’s right for you and your immediate family!)
Photo of those attending? Great
Subbing in headshots of those who couldn’t? Not ok. Honestly unless a photo is being used as a joke for something (which is not the case here- like a joke bday card) ……WHY???
But you know, a family photo of those there? Your mom might really treasure that at some point. It might make her happy that she insisted the event continue and she will see a photo that represents those who will be there to support her in coming years.
I see the gathering in a completely different way- the family is getting together to support each other (and Mom) during a very difficult and stressful time- which is going to conclude with an even more difficult and stressful time (the folks who yammer on “at least he’s not in pain” don’t know what they are talking about). If I could turn back the clock, I’d have insisted on a more joyful gathering prior to my dad dying than the hospital vigil, nieces and nephews running to Dunkin to get us drinkable coffee instead of the hospital swill, someone trying to sleep in the “family lounge” which we quickly learned was where the doctors take the next of kin to explain “The surgery was a failure and she will likely be gone by morning”.
We laugh (many years later) about some of the absurdities of those days (and there were many tragi/comic aspects to modern hospital life) but I really wish we’d gathered at my parents home to honor the life he’d had even though he wouldn’t be there to join us.
If it were me, I’d tell ALL my nieces and nephews to do whatever it is that brings them comfort and allows them to say goodbye in a respectful and loving way. If that means a group photo? So be it.
To me this isn’t about the photo. It’s about the gathering and merry making while your dad is dying and you and your immediate family are grieving.
I think you need to do what’s right for you, your mom and the family.
If your mom doesn’t want the gathering at her house, can someone else host? Seems like terrible timing for her and I can understand her worry about the optics.
I’m sorry that you and your family are going through this very sad time.