I’m so sorry you your dad not being well. Since you and your mom are most impacted, it is okay to say you are not comfortable with anything formal for photos/ rather snapshots if that is how you feel. People should respect that, and it sounds like you have a close family so I am hopeful they will. They may not understand as they are not in your shoes, but that’s ok. Go what’s right for you in your gut.
I just wanted to say that even though most people think it’s good to take photos, just make sure you put your mom’s wishes first. And then you/other siblings. He is your mom’s H and your Dad. Everyone grieves and processes in different ways and no way is wrong.
I know I will probably upset a lot of people when H passes, but the only ones whose wishes I would put before mine are my kids and his parents (if they were of sound mind/body which they really aren’t even now)
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Yes, the Ring Theory of care!
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I’m so sorry for these sad and hard months while you support your mom and dad.
You may not be enthused, or care about the photo. But allowing your niece to do her thing will take less energy in the long run, keep the peace, and the rest of the family members can choose to keep or ignore the photo.
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This is difficult no matter what but I think if your immediate family - your mom, yourself and sibs are uncomfortable with any steps that include your mom and dad you have the right to be blunt and tell niece how you feel.
Someone needs to run the party I suppose but she is NOT running decisions for your family.
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I’m sorry about your dad, @greenbutton.
The problem is that the mom already said it was OK. The niece and others don’t know that she now regrets the decision so, IMO, the niece has done nothing wrong.
Personally, I don’t see anything wrong with the photo, but, as the day approaches, if your mom is having regrets then she or someone needs to say so ASAP. I don’t love the headshot idea, but I think a picture can still be a way to honor your dad. When ds1 got married, my then 89yo mom at the last minute decided not to come. I was sad about it, but I was not about to make an 89yo get on a plane if she didn’t want to. My dad died the year before so ds1 had none of his grandparents there. I decided to frame a pic of my parents from their wedding, and when the photographer was taking photos, ds1 and his wife held the beautiful B&W shot of my parents, dad in his Air Force uniform, in one of the poses. It’s the most beautiful photo. I’m at my mom’s and looking at it right now. I’m wondering whether there is a way to acknowledge your dad and mom in the family photo. What if someone in the group photo holds a framed photo of your parents, maybe from their wedding. I think it would be a poignant reminder that they are truly together, for better or worse, in sickness and in health.
I agree with those who say that marking these kinds of family gatherings are so important. I hope you can find a solution with which everyone can agree.
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Youdon’t say- I am crying at your description of the photo and wish I’d thought of it for my kids weddings… What a beautiful post.
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@greenbutton
Your mother and her children seem to have the ultimate say so here.
Holding a photo as @Youdon_tsay describes might work. The niece sounds well intentioned but should not be making these family decisions if mom and you are not fully onboard. Just decide what you can handle and prioritize your mom’s wishes. Sad that it sounds like this reunion will be taking place at your parent’s house but they won’t be present. Sorry you are going through this difficult time.
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This is an awesome idea. OP’s mom should do this.
I am so sorry, @greenbutton. It’s so overwhelming to bear your grief and your mom’s too. You don’t have to go. xoxoxoxoxo
@greenbutton make the decision that is the least painful for your immediate family. We can give suggestions but there are many and some will be you and some will not be “you”.
Feel free to get on this thread if needed as the event gets closer.
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I posted earlier that the photo request seemed reasonable but maybe I’m missing something. After reading later posts, I think I was missing that the op’s parents are the matriarch and patriarch of this whole group. I still mostly stand by my original opinion but I do see the special circumstances with this group and the timing of the event.
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As someone who had a parent die relatively young and very suddenly (golfing/hiking to death in a matter of a couple days), I can see your niece’s point. No one knows who might not be around for the next family event. The photo we took in the months prior to my father’s death are gold to me. And yes, sometimes they are hard to look at. But I’m very glad they exist.
I think it’s fine for your niece to set up. And I think it is fine for individuals to decline. I also think it is fine to decline providing headshots, I think that is unnecessary. I’d just capture those who are there.
I think a family gathering at this time is a gift and I hope your mother can let go worrying what anyone might think. I can’t imagine anyone worth knowing judging in these circumstances when a family gathers for fellowship and support and love during hard times. We found laughter and joy in those hard moments and it made it easier to get through together.
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I was so overwhelmed as my father approached death that it was impossible for me to see the big picture. It sounds like @greenbutton and her mom are having a really rough time. If it’s too much, it’s too much. IMHO.
Could you or one of your siblings suggest an alternate location for the picnic? I don’t think your mom and dying dad have to host this in absentia. Maybe ask that niece/granddaughter to research if there’s a park or rec center nearby they can rent and explain that it’s just too much for your mom even if she wants to do it.
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That’s what I thought the niece had planned when she said “head shots”. The other thing would be a collage type photo which would have insets of missing family members.
I do think this is totally understandable in these circumstances. The month my dad died was definitely the hardest month of my life. And I think if it is too much, they should just ask that the picnic be moved this year because it is too overwhelmling. OP can definitely chose not to attend as well, that is fine. Maybe they are feel obligated to attend because it’s at mom’s house and mom won’t be home? Everyone should be understanding of that, even if it’s last minute.
Asking for relief from the whole event would be favorable to trying to micromanage other adults who may be grieving in their own way and less likely to damage future relationships.
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So sorry @greenbutton. Has your mom now decided not to attend at all? I would hope she might be willing to take a break and enjoy time with the rest of the family, even as she spends most of her time with your dad. It seems like a break would be good for her. This is more a gathering of family, who will hopefully visit the dad, rather than a party.
If she is really uncomfortable having everyone picnic at her home, is there a park or other area nearby where the picnic could be moved? Are folks staying overnight?
If your mother agreed to the party, AND wants it to go on, then you should. If she’s changed her mind, then you should postpone or move it to another relative’s home. For our family, it would go on and anyone from out of town would also use the time to visit the parent in hospice.
I think the idea of holding a photo of your dad is a good one but the photoshop idea is too weird as it will never blend in and just look weird.
You should let your mother know that the party doesn’t have to go on if she’s changed her mind, but it would be a good chance for everyone to gather as a family. At the funeral, there will be other relatives, other friends, and it won’t be as intimate.
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The gathering is my siblings and our spouses, children, and their spouses/children , with a couple absences short of a full group. Not a ton of people, is my point.
My mom is not one to ever say exactly what she wants, which is generational and all that but gosh it makes it hard to navigate. But in any case, the picnic is a fine idea. Uncomfortable is the word a sibling used; not inaccurate but we are pretty sure in the end it is a good idea even if Mom only sees some of her grandchildren.
I don’t love the photo idea, it makes me too sad, I have said as much and nobody agrees and that is fine; nobody will make me do it. ( In the moment, I may feel better about it. ) Those of you who have walked end-of-life know how much time is spent trying to figure out boundaries and not irritate each other in the process.
I spent several days there (I live 200 miles away) so local sibling could participate in a completely voluntary massively time consuming public event. Now thatsibling, spouse, and children have all had primary exposure to COVID as a result, with this picnic days away. Our family includes someone on transplant meds, a pregnancy, a chemo patient and my elderly parents. When I had asked “are you confident massively time consuming event is a great idea” I was teased, so I went to cover care for that time period and kept my mouth shut. Just an illustration of continuing sibling themes of “you aren’t here, so you know nothing” . I was not surprised that my feelings about a formal, everybody sit down, let’s make a giant copy for Mom to hang up, were not shared.