Is the oldest always the favorite? Is the favorite more commonly the child of a daughter than a son? Does geographic proximity assist in making a grandchild a favorite over others? Does gender play into favorites?
My mil has exactly two grandchildren: our ds and her daughter’s dd. But her daughter’s dd (our niece) is five years older than our ds. She grew up living closer to mil, but our ds saw his grandparents (his only set as my parents both died before I married) multiple times per year. Niece and ds spent cousin time together at my mil’s when they were growing up. Both are in their 20’s now.
I do think my mil tries to not show favoritism, but I really think she is more fond of my niece. It just kinda bugs me, so I was pondering if there were any particular patterns/tendencies, etc that seemed to make certain grandchildren more likely to be the favorie. Idk if ds notices or if he would care even if he did or if I am just being ridiculous - I mean, they are adults.
I think that will vary by family. But I would expect that often times its the kids of the favorite child who will be the favored grandchildren. Another factor is which grandkids are more like grandma/grandpa. Will be someone natural to favor the grandkids with whom you have more in common. And I think its more likely (though not always true) that parents spend more time with daugthers than sons and thus with children of daugthers. That can play a role in favorites.
In my family, my oldest brother was the favorite child. Typical first kid situation. But after 3 sons, there was a daugther, my sister, who became the favorite as the youngest and only girl. Oldest brother had kids first. He kids were the favorite grandkids (were the only for a time). But when my sister had kids, her kids became the favorite grandkids.
My parents have always been very bad at hiding that. And having spent time in the past year or so since my mom passed helping with my dad with his finances (and he kept pretty much everything), I learned there was a lot of financial favoritism that was previously unknown. Could totally blow up the family if the info went public (will do everything I can to keep that from happening at least so long as my dad is still alive–tho he never has been concerned about issues it creates).
In the process, as kid who was never a favorite and whose kids have never been the favorites my wife and I are very intent on never favoring either kid (or any grandkids if/when we get there).
My parents tried hard not to show favoritism but I think they really appreciated that we would often drop everything whenever they needed anything and we’d be there. They did a pretty amazing job of not showing favoritism among the 15 grandchildren of 5 great grandkids.
For my unmarried SisIL, for some reason she favored our S over our D or my BIL’s 2 kids. I think it was because he’s very bright but reserved, somewhat like her. She tried not to be too obvious about the favoritism, but it was definitely there—she gave him her car, her frequent flier miles, and $8,000 in college spending $$$. She didn’t realize how she and D shared common interests until the last year of her life (about a decade ago). She was always concerned about other nephew. Other niece spent the most time with her because she attended college nearby.
My mother has a favorite grandson out of 9 grandchildren and makes no secret of it. He spent a lot of time with her when he was young because my brother (his father) lived with her. I think she felt he needed her more because my brother is not a responsible person.
What is funny about that is that he was the only one of the 9 grandchildren who had other grandparents who were involved in his life. Those other grandparents lived far away but would take him on trips, visit him, etc. My kids and my sister’s lived in the same town and all 5 cousins had some joint activities (basketball, swimming) and my mother would attend practices and games and bring the treats, but that grandson always got more attention.
My mother’s been sick for the last 2 years and the other grandchildren send cards and make soup and visit and the favorite doesn’t, but he’s still the favorite.
It varies so much- by temperament, by geography, by what else is happening in everybody’s life, including amount of time spent together at different ages. With my MIL it also mattered that with the older grandchildren she was still working full time; 10 years later she had retired and had the time & inclination to be doing a lot of grandbaby minding.
What “favorite” means can also be variable. With my mother, her gift for having some special link with each of her kids came through with the grandkids- so each grandkid feels as though they have a ‘special’ particular tie that the others don’t.
My kid’s were my father’s oldest grandkids and my parents oldest together (mom was previously married and had a child).
My brother’s children were favored more than mine due to proximity. Also, I think because 2 of them were girls and showed affection much more freely which my parent’s ate up. Mom also said the youngest girl grandkid reminded her of me, so there’s that.
It never bothered me until they took their family on a WDW cruise for Xmas. My brother and his family were fairly poor and Dad said something like they would never be able to afford it. True enough, but you still don’t do that while giving my son’s $25.
My parents only have one grandchild so D is always their favorite. My ILs have 2: our D (older by 10 years and closer) and SIL’s S. He is definitely the favorite.
When D was born, they were both still working and we always felt our visits were an inconvenience (MIL used to complain bitterly that we needed room in the fridge for formula or we brought too much stuff) and they were “just too busy” to visit us. They couldn’t be bothered to play, engage in baby talk or sit on the floor and we felt they were waiting for her to be on their intellectual level (now that she is, they are virtual strangers to her and she prefers my parents). When SIL had her S, they had retired and would fly to visit them a few times a year. He has lots of dietary restrictions and ADHD no one cares that they take up the whole kitchen with a 10-day wheeled cooler or they he is out of control most of the time.
My parents took our family of 7 on a 10 day WDW vacation/cruise. My sister had no desire to vacation with them (at the time my dad had dementia and wasn’t always the easiest), my sister’s yearly vacation budget is very large (4 a year at least, at least 1 international). She did invite just my mom on their WDW trip and paid for her, but more as a babysitter for the 3 kids, my dad was not invited (we lived 1/2 mile from my parents so we watched him, my sister is out of state).
My middle child (of 5) was their favorite, she is also my sister’s favorite.
My nephew we lost at 20 in 2015 was my parents’ favorite grandchild out of all six. Even in the slideshow Dad made for Mom’s funeral in July, six years later, he was the most prominently featured grandchild. Partly it was his love of Longhorn sports - he was Dad’s shadow at all the games and got to know Vince Young, Mack Brown, etc. because of Dad’s involvement in UT sports.
My mom’s mental and physical health started an immediate decline after his death.
I think proximity has a lot to do with it. I was way closer to my maternal grands because they lived in our town
When they moved to FL, I started spending a week alone with them starting at age 12. They spent summers at our house. I talked to them on the phone at least weekly. They were amazing people and I was fortunate to have them in my life until I was in my late 30s. My grandmother moved to our town after my grandfather died and I was privileged to be at her bedside holding her hand when she passed.
Similarly my parents were much closer to my D. Again, same town. My mom went to every single recital, show, game, etc…. The other grandchildren lived across the country. My parents were also very careful about sending equally gifts and visited regularly, but they always talked to their friends about my D because they were more involved in her life.
Edited to add: I don’t think the grands loved anyone more or less but to an outsider it might look that way.
I’m shocked at the concept of a “favorite”. That a grandparent would peg a grandchild to be a favorite or that parents of grandkids would have concepts that a certain one was a favorite! Interesting.
@abasket - I dislike the idea of a “favorite” too, but both my mom and my MIL had/have favorite grandchildren/greatgrandchildren. Geography/gender (male was favored, except for my S) played/play a role.
My kids definitely were NOT favorites (especially on H’s side). They have been treated well but I have gotten tired of hearing how wonderful some of the other grands are and how mine have been so much more privileged. I smile and nod…and keep my mouth shut.
Both sides try to treat everyone the same as far as gifts and such, but I think everyone does tend to have kids/grandkids with whom they just click. For my mom I’d say that would be my niece. She’s the only girl, lives closer, likes to spend time with them and wants to be an engineer. Of course, my brother says my parents always gush to him about my “amazing” older S, so who knows.
My in-laws always gush about younger S and his manners. He is always super appreciative about anything anyone does for him.
My S was definitely my mom’s favorite but I am my Dad’s favorite.
With our kids, we love both fiercely but older S is very much like me and younger S like H. He sees all of his faults in younger S and used to be harder on him. He thought older S was a golden child, whereas I tend to see all my faults in him. I love him, but he’s far from perfect! But we do try to see them for who they are and treat them equally.
I think the children of daughters tend to be favored over children of sons…or at least that is how my MIL views it. The two grandchildren of her daughter are favored well over the children of her sons.
Although my in laws always treated their three grandkids equally in terms of gifts, their D’s son is clearly the favorite. My kids have known this since the beginning, and it’s just a fact of life for them - they joke about it. They know that they are loved, but they know that their cousin is the favorite. There are a number of possible reasons - it’s their daughter’s child, they are 3 hours away from the favorite (as opposed to 13+, although we saw them a lot), my SIL shares every detail of her S’s life with her parents - but the bottom line is that it is what it is. My MIL would argue that she doesn’t have a favorite, but actions speak louder than words.
My parents had 7 grandkids, and they treated each of them as special (as they did with the 5 of us kids). They did have a soft spot for the oldest & the youngest, but my kids never sensed any favoritism.
My kids didn’t have a favorite grandparent. They loved each of them for who they were.
I’m sure the eldest grand child is my stepmom’s favorite. She is my stepsister’s firstborn.
I think my niece is the favorite for many reasons.
-She has always lived nearby.
-By nature, she is a homebody, like my stepmom.
-They have spent more time together than all the other grandkids.
It doesn’t bother me. She brings a lot of comfort and happiness to my stepmom.
My aunts and uncles were lucky to have one grandchild apiece (if that), so I never had the opportunity to observe favoritism among the present generation of youngsters. However, between their 13 children, my generation, the favorites were obvious to everyone: The four or five oldest who, including my brother, were “born old” and basically set the pace for the rest of us.
ETA: I should hasten to add, there was plenty of love left over and I don’t think any of us younger “grands” begrudged the older one’s status. It was the natural order of things as far as we were concerned.
My grandmother, only living grandparent I knew, was terrible at playing favorites and I would say my mother was her least fav, even though she bore the brunt of taking care of her when she was old. Until the oldest D swooped in and stole everything.
Then my parents had favorites even though they said they didn’t, which as people have mentioned only has become a very large problem since my mother died. History really does repeat.
I have only had one child. She says she doesn’t plan on having any herself. Whatever.
I’m enjoying reading these replies. The idea that a certain grandchild might, “need” them more probably was a motivator in my mil favoring my niece. Dh’s sister had a rocky teen and early adult life. Lots of rebellion, moved out at 17, substance abuse, etc. Niece’s father was sil’s third husband by age 26, and he is 18 years older than she. They had not planned to have any children (he has three much older children from his first marriage). So, as I look back on it, I can understand initial concerns and feeling like niece might need them more. And niece was the first grandchild by five years.
Growing up, dh never gave his parents a moment of grief whereas his sister was the wild child. She got significantly more attention by being, “bad.” They didn’t have to worry about dh because he never did anything wrong. Made good grades, good success in school, professional success once he was out of school. So, he received much less attention because he didn’t create trouble.
To some extent the patterns have been somewhat similar between my ds and sil’s daughter. Though, niece has NEVER had substance abuse or been openly rebellious as my sil apparently was. Niece is pretty much a, “good, “kid. It took awhile for my sil to get her academic act together, but she finally did and received a Master’s in Special Ed. However, my niece flunked out of college and lied about it to the entire family (finally ‘fessed up two weeks before she was supposed to graduate) and has never been able to finish a degree despite a couple of later attempts. She has had menial jobs ever since. She just doesn’t seem to have a lot of motivation.
My ds, on the other hand, has excelled academically and then professionally since graduating. But, ANY positive in niece’s life gets far more gushed over than any achievements by ds. Success by ds is just expected and commonplace. I think the same patterns existed between dh and his sister. They expected, “good” things from dh. They expected, “bad” things from my sister-in-law.
As I type this out, I am wondering if the perception of what counts as a favorite plays into one’s own personal love language. Mine is words of affirmation.
And just adding that I am an only and my ds is an only. I have only two cousins on my mother’s side and both of them are also only children. We were not really around my maternal grandmother all at the same time, so I have no concept of whether she had any favorites. Therefore, I have no real personal experience or understanding of playing favorites among children/grandchildren or siblings and sibling rivalries.
