This got me thinking more about my own relationship with my nieces and nephew. I see one niece significantly more than the other. She texts, makes phone calls, participates in family zoom, etc… While I love all three, I’m definitely closer to the one niece that is more present in our lives on a regular basis. The other family is much closer to their maternal grands/aunts/uncles and have a huge family in their town.
I really do think a lot has to do with proximity.
My DD is the favorite grandchild. She is actually also the favorite with uncle and aunt as well. Everyone spoils her, and it is very blatant. Of all the grandkids, she is the most thoughtful, respectful and obedient, which has a lot to do with it. She grew up around my parents and my mother lived with us and helped a lot when she was younger. Now that my DD is an adult, she’s the only grandkid that calls without prompting, always sends/brings gifts, and helps her grandmother when she can.
Favoritism is painful but probably pretty natural when circumstances really vary. But it seems pretty inexcusable to give different gifts or to not do one’s best to hide favoritism!!
In our families, I do see favoritism—although it can shift at times depending on what’s going on. During the time when nephews are actively playing their grandfather’s sport in high school and college, they are the ones he talks about and is excited about. Then after graduating, he likes to brag about the ones who are most successful. Everyone focuses on the ones who are going through exciting times—like the year of a wedding it’s all about that niece. So some of these types of favoritism are potentially temporary/shifting.
But I do think there are more lasting forms of favoritism in our families, also. One grandson is named after the grandfather, I think making him extra special to the grandfather. Definitely the grandkids who spend the most time with the grandparents, do them the most favors happily, are more involved in their lives, have a leg up. I think those with more appealing personalities of course are also favored (kinder, more patient with grandparents, more fun, etc). Surely the oldest grandkids have a chance to really shine with the grandparents and establish close bonds. I have a parent who is very difficult and not fun to be with. I could probably make my kids do more in terms of giving up weekends to travel to visit, FaceTiming more often, etc. I expect that the local grandkids are probably preferred and probably deserve to be preferred 
.
All of us have friends, relatives, colleagues, etc who we really click with an prefer over others. The trick to being a good grandparent is loving all of them, treating them equally, and not showing the favoritism.
This!
I might also add that the timing of birth of grandchildren might make a difference? My sibs and I have kids ranging in age from 44 to 17. Clearly my mom for instance was able to do so much more with my oldest nieces who are now 40-44 because my mom at that time was in her mid 40s. She took them on lots of little trips and such. My kids are 15-20 Years younger than those first grandchildren- so in her 70s and we were out of town she wasn’t doing as much of that with them. But I don’t consider any of that favoritism- just timing and ability.
Yes. They all possess a grandparent who’s behaving badly!
It’s an awful situation, as a parent, to watch this. When someone does this to your own child, it’s a thousand times more hurtful than if it were done to oneself.
I lived this with my MIL, regarding my children vs her daughter’s children, but especially regarding my well-behaved child with high functioning autism. I pointed it out to MIL once, when my child was about 16 and it was happening right in front of her, as if she didn’t exist, but nothing changed. They’re going to be who they are going to be. You can either live with it, and try to conceal it from the children who are not favored, so as to shield them from pain, or if they do notice it, talk with them about how life is not fair, and one has the option of stepping back from painful relationships. Fortunately for my children, they never really noticed it. I did everything I could to point out the few little things that MIL did for them, like baking cookies for them when they were visiting, and never mentioned the trips to Europe, payments for weddings, downpayments for houses, large monetary gifts, etc. that were done for their cousins, but never for them.
We never celebrated Christmas with the inlaws…and good. Because the gifts our kids got and the gifts the favored kids got were noticeably different. And how did we know? Because MIL would tell us the wonderful things she had made or given to these other grandchildren. We never shared with our kids…but we knew.
Also, she wasn’t terrific with her daughters in law either. Many years, Christmas gifts would come on a box to everyone in the family except the wives of her sons. Why?
My grandmother was 95 and starting to lose filters when, at my parents’ 50th anniversary celebration, she blurted as I walked in, ‘There she is, my favorite!’. We were stunned she said it, but no-one was surprised she felt it.
I was the first by 4 years, then my brother and a sister were 16 months apart. We lived a few houses away so I almost daily spent time at their place or on errands with my grandmother, to give my mom a break. My dad was her only child who had kids. Those bonds were not formed with my sibs as we moved a bit further away when I was 8.
My FIL favored my son, as he was the only boy and would carry on the name; my ILs also leaned toward ‘providing for’ him financially from the old fashioned idea that he would need to take care of a family. Since FIL’s death, MIL has been more equitable among the 3 grandkids.
My mother was scrupulous about being even-handed when it came to gifts or financial assistance. That said, we all knew that the oldest male grandson was the favorite. He was, however, the only one who regularly called her so maybe he deserved the honor? My youngest daughter moved into second place when she began calling Grandmother while walking home from work at least once a week. All 8 grandchildren felt loved and they all felt close enough to each other that they were able to tease one another about it and it wasn’t a point of tension. It would be very hard if there weren’t that level of “enough” for everyone even if there were special bonds.
My daughter always kidded my dad that she was vying for “second favorite status”. My dad loved all of his grandchildren but my oldest, the first boy child in a while was special to him. But there was never favoritisms as far as time spent or money. The youngest grandson was born while my dad was ill and my mom was caregiving. His relationship is different than the grandchildren who were born while my parents were healthier. The youngest does not have a good grandchild/grandparent relationship. Some of it is him, some is his mother and some is circumstantial
Oh, there was a lot of favoritism with my grandparents. My older sister. brother, and I were the ‘$10 birthday kids’ while my three younger brothers and two cousins were the $5 birthday kids. Why? When we were very young and my grandmother was still alive, my grandparents were very doting on us and not so much on my two younger brothers, who were hellions. They were 3 and 4 years younger than me, so just babies, but there were never taken on outings or for errands like we 3 older kids were. We (especially me) were taken to the bank, the the chicken pot pie store to buy Sunday dinner, to pick up my grandmother at work. Very exciting errands. My grandmother died when I was 7 and my grandfather just continued to treat the older 3 one way and the hellions another. My cousins were born 2 and 4 years after youngest brother and they became $5 grandkids too.
Obviously, there wasn’t a lot of money involved but the younger kids never became $10 birthday kids.
My grandfather gave me my hs graduation gift when I was a sophomore because he was afraid he’d die before I graduated and he didn’t want my brother and sister to have their gifts and not me. Three oldest treated one way, five youngest another.
Yep, I was the favorite. I also got my grandmother’s engagement ring.
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It is nice to be appreciated. I am glad for both of you that your fil came to a point where he could express his appreciation. I’m sure it doesn’t make up for past hurts, but it’s something.
I am one of three - the youngest. My brother was the oldest and my sister the middle. My brother was both my grandmother’s favorite and my parent’s favorite. They would deny it but it’s always been a joke between my sister and I. My grandmother clearly just had a preference for boys and my parents…I just don’t know why. He was definitely not the most thoughtful and made the least amount of effort of the three of us. But when he did make effort it appreciated WAY more than when my sister and I did. He passed away about 7 years ago. I am the baby and I would say I’m the next favorite. My sister, who ironically has lived the closest to my parents for many years and does the most for them, is probably the least favorite. It’s like they just expected a lot from her where my brother and I could get away with more. For grandkids I have not noticed any favoritism though they do seem to be a little closer to the grandchildren they see more often.
My sister had an experience with her mother-in-law though where she showed obvious favoritism for my niece over my nephew - really from the start. It was strange and uncomfortable at times. And my nephew noticed. It seemed like she was just more comfortable with a little girl than a little boy.
My mother was an only child, so my sister and I were both special to her parents. My grandmother had her own ways of showing love (especially sewing clothes for us, which sadly we didn’t appreciated). My grandfather was the one that played with my sister and me and did all sorts of things to make us feel special. I still have the cassette recordings he made us with family news, quiz questions etc. But they both indeed loved us greatly.
I was one of 10 grandkids on my father’s side. They were spread over 18 years, and I think they had a way of making us each feel special. I was envious that the nearer ones had grandparents at school concerts etc. And perhaps they were envious that we had grandparents come to visit for special occasions, stay a few days. Still I think we all felt special, except I think for the two youngest that only knew them in their later and less healthy years. Now my grandmother always had wonderful boastful stories of the various other grandchildren, but I’m sure she did same about us when visiting the others.
My parents only had four grandchildren but with a wide range of ages. The oldest is now 44, and the youngest is my 26yo. The two oldest were my sister’s and lived in town so my mom took care of them on the regular.
The oldest is the only girl and was the only for grandchild for 13 years so she obviously holds a special place. The next was my sister’s son, who is on the spectrum and who my parents never warmed to. I felt bad for him, but my sister created a lot of that dynamic so it is what it is.
We lived a few hours away, but my parents made the trip to see my boys’ games and other events on the regular. In a way, I could see people saying that my boys are favored over my sister’s son as my kids did things my parents appreciated – playing sports, hunting, hunting, fishing. They also have been super bright and willing to talk to adults their whole lives. My 26yo still calls my mom on the regular, which she loves. But my kids live far away now so I definitely don’t think anyone sees favoritism at this point … everyone’s lives and relationships are so different.
Now, if my brother had had kids then this would not be a conversation. He always was the fave, and I have no doubt that his kids would have been the favorites, too.
I don’t think my MIL plays favorites. She is the only grandparent left. I have never noticed it if she has a favorite and am shocked that so many people on this thread see blatant favoritism in their families. That is just not supposed to be done!
I would say my husband is the most helpful of his sibs to his mom. His brother and sister are always a step or two away from the abyss of effinguppery, but they have managed to hold it together for the most part. But starting in high school or before they really put their parents through some trials. And there were situations that were out of their control that made life difficult too.
I don’t know if that makes my hubby the favorite, but he’s certainly the least complicated and most reliable. The other two and their families live in the same town as MIL and their kids are much older than ours. I think they are all at least 10+ years older. Their kids are much loved and bragged on. When ours came along MIL was delighted. FIL had died a few years before when he was just 63 so I think our babies really brightened her world. But I wouldn’t say they were favorites, although she did love the baby and little kid stage.
My parents had a little bit of a similar situation with two sets of grandkids at different stages. My sister’s kids are 12 and 8 years older than my oldest (15 and 10.5 yrs older than my youngest). My dad’s health was only good for two years after my oldest was born and then when my youngest was born he was in poor health and mom was doing a lot of caregiving. So there just wasn’t as much time for my kids. And what time there was was at the nursing home visiting Granddaddy and seeing Grammy there too. We did see her some at her home too, but it was always in the context of going to the nursing home. And then my mom’s health began to decline after my dad died. So there just wasn’t great timing for them.
I would say that because of that my kids have had a much better relationship with their paternal grandmother who is in pretty great shape still at 82.
I would just say that all her grandkids are special to my MIL. My oldest had a lot in common with her personality wise, but my youngest has a lot of common interests. My nieces and nephews have close relationships with her. One of my nephews lived with her for awhile after high school when he was going through a rough time and my autistic niece has had Weds afternoon with grandma for almost her whole life. Grandma brags on the other grandkids and their successes and worries about their challenges (several have health issues). She has helped some monetarily when they need it and always wants to catch up with them and know what’s going on with them.
I really don’t sense any favoritism, but she does love to see her great grandson when she gets a chance and brag on him. He’s 5 and really he is pretty amazing. Taught himself to read when he was 2 I believe (it was incredibly early). He’s really an amazing little great grandson and since he is MIL’s only great grandson I am sure he is her fave!
“ am shocked that so many people on this thread see blatant favoritism in their families.” - Same here. It’s hard for me to picture grandkids feeling jealous, probably a credit to all the kindly grandparents I’ve known. Or maybe my kids were the golden children and we didn’t know it
This was our family as well. My husband has just one older brother who was the clear favorite as well as his kids as they lived nearby. I did not care about so much the favoritism, but I was not going to subject my kids to a Christmas where they got to watch their cousins open much better gifts than theirs.
MIL would tell me the Amazon lists that my sister-in-law made for her four kids, and MIL was very careful to get all they wanted. But my kids would get random no-brand toys and be expected to respond excitedly over something they didn’t even know about, even though I’d make Amazon lists for them as well. The funniest gift was when my 11 year old son received a Thomas the Train Aquadoodle as his one gift. I was proud of his positive response when he opened it.
I find it fascinating that so much of the favoritism comes in the form of disparate quantities/values of gifts. I mean, that is pretty objective to measure. Which maybe that is the intent of those who play favorites?? To make it obvious? Seems mean to me.
If it’s playing favorites with time, that is easier to wave off as a grandparent if certain grandchildren are closer by. But, if you’re all sitting around opening gifs together and one grandkid gets $100 cash, and the other gets $20 - it’s pretty hard to refute the unfairness of that.
I hope I would never play favorites if ds ever has more than one child. But, if I did, I think I’d try not to be so obvious about it - lol