Just curious do these grandparents also play favorites with their own children?
My parents did not have a favorite that I know of. We were all fairly different and I think they appreciated our differences.
As I mentioned my husband’s siblings got into a lot of trouble in high school but I still never got a sense of favoritism from them.
I agonize way too much over being even-handed with our kids and making sure the presents are all roughly of equal value.
I agree that it’s pretty in-your-face to give grandkids gifts that are clearly worth different amounts. It has been easier to excuse my MIL’s favoritism as something that maybe she is doing unwittingly - but if she were to give the Golden Child (as my H’s cousin once referred to him - so yes, others noticed) costlier gifts, I think my kids would have felt bad.
To be honest, my dad’s mom favored all the other cousins over us (but we all got the same gifts). In her case, it was because of her five kids, she liked my dad the least. That was very obvious, and we knew it from an early age. As a result, we didn’t worry about whether or not she liked us as much as the other cousins. Luckily, my mom’s mom was awesome - and she made each of us feel special.
My younger sister was my father’s favorite growing up because she always got the best grades and was best in sports. I had my special place because I was the oldest, but I always knew I didn’t measure up to my sister. It wasn’t until we were adults that my parents started to notice that it was my middle brother and I who took care of them. I lived close to my parents. I was the one who celebrated all of their milestones. I took them on vacations with my family (paid for by me) and had them over regularly.
D1 was my father’s favorite. I think it was because she was the oldest GD, but they also had a certain chemistry. D2 is still my mom’s favorite. My mom was her main caretaker when she was a toddler. Both of my girls are and were very protective of my parents (my Dad passed away a while back). It was interesting to me when D2 stood up to my brother about getting getting a Covid test before he went out to see my mom (he thought it was an overkill ). When D1 got married and had her baby, she made sure she visited my Dad at his grave to let him know. My kids bring their SOs to see my mom for her birthday, Mother’s Day, and invite her for major holidays.
Even though my parents were closer to my kids, they never gave my kids more gifts than their other grandchildren.
My mil (the one who plays favorites in other ways - I’m not counting the cruise - I’m sure that was my fil’s idea) has always driven me crazy with just how even the monetary value of gifts has to be. An example would be something like buying dh and me slippers. If my slippers cost $30 and his cost $25, she would have to find some other gift for him that cost $5 so it would be, “even.” Ridiculous. It’s one of the reasons I insisted we stop exchanging gifts many years ago. She was not happy about it at the time, but now I think she is glad. We just convinced her that Christmas/birthdays should be about the young children - not the adult children. We just aren’t into stuff. She’s not the best gift giver anyway…
My mother always has been achingly fair about Christmas gifts. Comically so. Easy now that she gives cash/gift cards.
Once again, I’m getting the cold shoulder from my family. My mom was the youngest, and always lived in the shadow of her sister. I was the last girl., then, Finally, a boy! And with tutoring throughout college and Med school, he is / was a surgeon! Even tho my PhD thesis was voted #1, and published, it wasn’t acknowledged within the family.
My son, a shy bright boy, not effusive, was never a favorite with my mother’s side of family. My father adored him, his uncle loved teaching him electronic stuff ( all died before he entered college.) No one in mom’s family sent an email congratulating him for his honors, with his PhD . It is quite easy for me to see him missing all the events from my mom’s family and gravitating towards his wife’s family.
Wow. I have never written such a personal response before. I guess I do have sad feelings about always feeling like an underdog (within mom’s family) and have never pushed my son to attend events that he really didn’t want to go to. His wife has great social skills, so they can pick and choose.
Ps. At the last family event, a few other relatives and I got to chatting, and formed a “black sheep club”. Fun.
I’m sorry that this is painful for you. I can relate. I always tell people that my family is like that Sesame Street routine … “One of these things is not like the others. One of these things doesn’t belong.” That thing is ME! I am the blue balloon! 
That is sad… so sorry that happened to you. I do want to point out that many people just don’t appreciate the grueling challenges of getting phD unless they have had exposure that academic world. Certainly I was that way before going to college. Had I gone on for a masters or phD, it is unlikely that my family would have understood the hard work involved. In contrast, I think everybody knows that getting through med school is a big deal.
Colorado mom, thx. You do understand. As an academic, I didn’t make the money. But I am the weirdo. I am just not comfortable getting on the dance floor with 13 year olds. Last month, for example, I told my cousin-by-marriage that I would definitely Attend the Bat mitzvah and the luncheon, but not the evening party. As it turns out, the party is next Saturday, probably at a cost of $100,000+. I suspect many people will cancel cuz of the rise of co-vid in our area. My inclination is to reach out and talk, but I rein myself in.
I’m so sorry. I have found that among that generation that becoming a medical doctor is viewed as some sort of be-all, end-all in terms of career path. A mind set that that is what the, “best and brightest” do. Coupled with the idea that being a physician is the most lucrative career one can have. I know that is what my fil thought because he suggested it often to our ds. My fil was very focused on outward appearances, and he would have perceived having a grandson who was a physician as a way to increase his own status somehow. Never mind what ds’s interests were - all about appearances, bragging rights, and ds making the most $ he could. I am thankful for those who are called into medicine (and I certainly don’t begrudge them earning a good living), but it was never an interest of ds. I am truly sorry you didn’t receive proper props from your family for your amazing academic achievement - how hurtful.
My daddy was a medical doctor who upon meeting a PhD would always say, “Oh! A REAL doctor! Nice to meet you!” 
I’m sorry @bookworm. That stinks…it’s also the kind of thing I have no tolerance for. The favoritism that seems random or when one person’s accomplishment is ignored and another’s is lauded, or someone is favored b/c of gender, etc.
I totally “get” that the grands will spend more time with the ones who live closer. I also get helping the ones who have a more difficult life through circumstances (rough home life, etc). I don’t see that sort of thing as “favoritism”. But yeah, I have been in the situation where my own kids accomplishments always seem to be considered a result of their “advantages” while the others worked hard (not accurate). Other things too.
I resolve to do better.
Unfortunately, I think culture has a lot to do with favoritism and what you actually do has very little to do with it.
My nephew dropped out of college and has had several unskilled jobs since then. My in laws would go on about each job as if it was the greatest thing a young man could do. (He is happy, so it’s not like he needs to be artificially propped up with praise.) My in laws haven’t shown much interest in my kids’ jobs. My MIL said something recently about my S not having a very good job. He actually has a very good job … he makes more at 29 than I ever made, and he enjoys his work. It’s scientific, so it’s not like he is in a job that might be somehow beneath him (in her eyes). She has no clue what my D does, nor has she ever actually shown an interest. That’s the kind of uneven treatment that grinds on me.
My DH always thought his brother was the favorite. When they asked for the same Christmas gifts the brother got name brand or deluxe models and DH got off brand or basic models. After they grew up and went to college DH didn’t really think anything more about it. He’d decided that he was probably wrong and it was just petty kid stuff anyway. He married his college sweetheart the summer after graduation. The marriage only lasted a couple of years, and when it ended DH flew home to visit his parents. His dad picked him up at the airport and spent the entire ride home telling him how sorry he was that his brother had always been their favorite and that he would do better. What would possess a parent to admit to having a favorite, especially at a time like that, I don’t know. But my FIL did do better. He treated DH and his brother the same, and he loved and treated all of his grandchildren the same too.
But in the time I’ve known her it’s been pretty obvious to me that my MIL still favors the brother and now his wife and children too. They can do no wrong in her eyes. Yet she’s very critical of DH and opinionated about our children as well. I think the reason her favorite grandchildren are the favorites is because they’re the children of her favorite child. It doesn’t hurt that their mom is a doctor either.
^This. This is EXACTLY the situation with mil, our niece, and our ds. Niece recently got a job as a, “library tech,” at a public university. She makes around $11.50 an hour. But, it’s a bump up from stocking at Kohl’s, and now mil says, “Niece is a computer guru at directional university!” She shelves books and checks out laptops. There is nothing wrong with that - and she is seemingly happy.
I think part of it is because my mil doesn’t understand what, exactly, my ds does (tbh, I don’t either). I am certain she would be completely floored if she knew what his salary level was at the ripe old age of 24. But, because she can’t understand it, she shows little interest.
Kid or grandkid personality can impact what happens with favoritism. Sometimes favs will milk it for all its worth. Other times they try to minimize it. And the non-fav kids can make an issue of favoritism not directed at them or learn to let it slide. Interestingly enough from what I have seen its more like the fav will milk it and the non-fav will let it slide.
One of my brother’s old GFs wanted D to be her pet and favorite. D was repelled a steered clear of her. After brother broke up with her, she hired a PI who stalked my brother. She finally stopped when she met and married a young trophy H.
She had also wanted me to be her personal assistant shortly before Christmas even her assistant quit without warning. (Can you detect a high maintenance and toxic pattern?) I politely declined the honor.
I was my grandmother’s favorite as the oldest and only girl. The other grands died when I was very young so I don’t remember their attitudes well.
My older son was MIL’s fave and she made no secret of it. I had to remind her she had two grands. I don’t know why. His age? That he was quieter? My mother was very fair—I won’t say equal because that doesn’t capture it. Younger son, being younger and a fiery-tempered, red-headed cutie, received more discipline (!) from her but she also enjoyed him immensely. (My mom once sent him to his room when he kept destroying older bro’s block towers. He was so shocked!) My dad, the only surviving grandparent, prefers younger son but I think he hides it well. Younger does call him more.
My in-laws have 5 grandchildren. My two boys were always at the bottom of the list. Their grandparents love them, but their lack of participation in sports and interest in music and art and being quiet definitely knocked them down a few pegs. I remember like 17 years ago my son getting a kitchen set for Christmas- my FIL was completely baffled! Why would a boy want a kitchen set?!
It doesn’t bother them at all, probably because my own parents like them best!
I think this is so interesting. As I read this thread, I keep trying to play devil’s advocate. By the way, I don’t think all my kids are the favorites, so I’m doing my best to play devil’s advocate with my own in-laws, which is humbling 
.
In these cases, when I read about them, I have a million questions. For example, the kids who have the not-so-great jobs might have gone to great pains to sit by the grandparents side and tell them loads of stories about their work! Regale them with tales and the grandparents could be very entertained and impressed with their stories (and really enjoyed the love and care shown while hearing these stories). The other grandchildren with seemingly more impressive jobs may not take the time to share so much, and spend so much time chatting with them about their work. (Ha ha maybe they’re too busy with their high-stress important jobs!). So how is a grandparent to know what they are up to? I’m not saying this in YOUR case, or in Kelsmom’s case, specifically…I’m just trying to look at all these stories from the opposite perspective, and there always seem to be some possibilities of reasons for why things seem the way they seem. Sure a library tech might be less “brag worthy” than whatever your ds does. But the fact that you don’t know exactly what he does either means that either he hasn’t taken the time to explain it to either of you, or it’s just too baffling for other people to get and he hasn’t figured out how to communicate it in a way that makes it interesting and graspable. It’s hard to blame the grandparents for that!!
So anyway, not in any particular cases, but overall, I think it’s good for us to examine our complaints and just try to play devil’s advocate. Do the grandparents appear to favor other grandchildren for legitimate reasons??? (for example the other kids call more often, visit more often, massage their feet 
, act more jovially , act more politely, tell funnier stories, remember to call and send flowers on their birthdays, etc?). Very few people seem to think about what THEY could be doing better in terms of the grandparents. By the way, I don’t mean EVERYONE who is commenting here. Of course there are crazy-a$$ed grandparents who have obvious favorites for no particularly good reasons, they are just rotten grandparents and that’s that!! But this thread has at least caused ME to be more introspective about whether my own children are doing ENOUGH for their grandparents. Could they do better???