And a very interesting corollary…do our children have favorite grandparents , and why?
Is it the richer (or more financially generous) grandparent who spends more money on a gift?
Is it the funnier grandparent?
The one who did impressive things (help win a key battle in a war, help topple a chauvinistic company, hold a prestigious job at a university, do something else noteworthy?)?
The one who spent the time with them after school, care taking for them and teaching them lots of lessons along the way?
The one who had the same common interests as them?
The one smelled good (instead of bad )?
The one who was a great story-teller?
The one who seemed to prefer talking to grandkids instead of always seeming to prefer talking to the adults in the room?
etc etc etc?
Is it the one with the more fun house to visit, or who takes them on fun trips (because they are able to either health-wise, or financially)?
ETA based on Sweetgums message: Is the favorite the one who is healthier and so therefore more able to play with them (or at least not be a drag by being immobile or in a nursing home)?
I think it’s interesting to flip this, and think about whether the kids have favorites, too! And if so, why? And if their reasons aren’t great, are there ways that we, as parents, can help correct that??
D1 loved my Dad. She used to ask if she could sleep over my parents ‘ house a lot. My Dad would drive all over to find the candies D1 liked.
My Dad was very strict with us, but when it came to D1 nothing was good enough for her. He didn’t always come to our performances, but he came to every one of D1’s ballet recitals.
My mom was the same with D2.
My kids were blessed growing up. Now D1 has her first child, she makes sure we all get to spend time with her baby.
My kids only have the one grandma left so she gets to be the favorite.
I wish they had gotten to know my parents better, but they were older and in poor health for much of my kids’ childhoods so they really didn’t get a chance to. They enjoyed my mom when they were very little but my dad was in the hospital or a nursing home the entirety of D22’s life so she never knew him at all as he really was. I think she would have loved spending time with him. My mom was preoccupied with my dad and his health for all but the first two years of my oldest’s life so my kids never got to really know her w/o nursing homes clouding the picture.
My FIL died before either of my kids were born.
So MIL is definitely the fun grandma and none of the visits with her involved a trip to the nursing home either. They loved my mom and my dad (as much as they could) but MIL has been there for them their whole lives, cheering them on and loving on them and loving listening to them and super interested in their lives.
I do think playing devil’s advocate or assuming good intentions is an interesting way to take this on. As part of assuming good intentions I just would assume that grandparents and parents would not play favorites, but I wonder if some people (not saying anyone on this thread) would look for trouble and look to see if everything was equal, etc.
My brother is a bit like this and used to count the Christmas presents to see who got the most and would note which aunts and uncles gave him a present, etc. My kids have never cared about that kind of stuff thankfully and it’s never been a thing for me or my husband either, so we just assume that grandparents are not going to play favorites, too.
I would never intentionally play favorites and have only known of one instance of this in my life, a friend’s grandmother. It’s just not something that is common in my personal experience and I feel bad for those of you having to deal with this. It’s clearly something where the adults are not acting like adults should.
When I was a summer recreation aide, I always insisted that I and the junior leaders I supervised never show favoritism as I felt it was very important to model good behavior. It was something some of the teens had a hard time with since they liked picking out a well-behaved or anxious to please pet and were not used to being informed that it was not ok to do so.
You have to work harder to not show favoritism, since it’s easier to get along with folks who have personalities compatible with yours, similar interests, etc.
Oh, in my case favorite was the funny grandfather who doted on us (sis and I were children of his beloved only daughter)… he also played a lot with with us, sent cards and letters. Also sent us cassette recording with his stories and corny jokes. My maternal grandma loved us too, but here style when we visited was to spend time making alterations on the hand sewn clothing (that we didn’t always like) that she had labored over for many hours.
Fun memory: At noon pickup for half day kindergarten I proudly introduced this favorite of my 4 grandparents… who had cheerfully walked me to the bus stop, “Pop, this is bus driver. Bus driver, this is Pop ”.
Honestly I don’t remember what gifts this set of grandparents gave, oh except a few games to match what we liked to play at their house. (Example - skittle bowl, with Nanny’s custom sewn felt pads to make the pin crashes less ear-splitting). It was all about the time together. Thinking back, there was also a fair amount of candy involved.
My other grandparents had 10 grandchildren. I envied the ones who lived closer, could attend concerts etc. The cousins might have envied the more special treatment we had when those grandparents made special travels to stay with us.
@EmptyNestSoon2 - I think that is fair to look at how much the grandchildren reach out to the grandparents. I do feel like my ds makes a lot of effort to reach out to his grandmother. He calls her every couple of weeks. He has purposely gone to spend time with her even when dh and I were not there as well. But, he lives 1,800 miles away whereas niece is only 45 minutes away. However, from the best I can tell, my niece interacts with mil only when my sil facilitates it. I could be wrong. Maybe niece reaches out more than I know. I’m trying not to be defensive to your very valid points. I think it is totally fair to acknowledge that the relationship goes both ways.
I don’t see niece spending tons of time regaling mil with stories about her work or asking her interesting questions about her past. I do agree that ds could probably do a better job in explaining his job.
I like the idea of looking at it in the other direction - what makes a grandparent a favorite. However, both of my parents died before dh and I even married (I was 24 when they both died). They are no one to him.
I can guarantee that mil was favored by ds over fil. Fil (deceased) was not a pleasant person to be around at all. He was definitely proud of ds but also critical at the same time. I am not joking when I write that ds at age 4 gave fil a birthday card that he himself had signed. Fil’s FIRST comment when opening the card was to state that ds (FOUR YEARS OLD!!) had written one of his letters backwards. Mil has always spent quality time with both of her grandchildren. Lots of time playing on the floor. Lots of time taking them on, “adventures.” Nothing grand - just lovely, usual things like zoos and children’s museums.
Mil is NOT a, “bad” grandparent at all. I just think she favors niece. And, I don’t get it. But really - I don’t have to.
Because it started at birth, I would place any responsibility on my in laws. My in laws never called them on their birthdays, never called to talk to them on Christmas (and weren’t interested in talking to them when H called them). They never wanted to talk to her on the phone when my D asked to call them, so I stopped calling them. I have so many stories from over the years, but I would say in this case, the grandparents “started it.” But as I mentioned earlier, my kids accept the relationship as it is, so I try to set my feelings aside.
Trying to look at both sides is kind of like the chicken and the egg. Did the grandparents favor one grandchild because that child paid them more attention than the others or did the others not pay them as much attention because the grandparents clearly favored someone else? I think it’s a mistake to turn it on the children. The grandparents “appear to favor” one because the others don’t do enough, don’t visit enough, or aren’t funny enough? So it’s their fault their grandparents don’t treat them as well as their favorites? I don’t think that’s fair to the children.
My youngest used to spend a lot of time with her grandmother. They baked together (then had tea with their treats), went shopping, worked on jigsaw puzzles, and took care of my MIL’s garden. But as my daughter got older she started to notice how critical her grandmother is towards her. She still spent time with her, but not as often.
DD has worked since she was 17. Every year she buys a Christmas present for my MIL (usually some type of tea, a baked good, and a puzzle or some other activity they can do together just like when she was little). MIL, who’s not hurting for money and can buy whatever she wants, doesn’t seem to understand that the actual gift is DD’s time.
This Christmas one of the other grandchildren (who’s out of college and has a full-time job) got MIL tickets to Broadway. MIL was thrilled. When DD, who’s still in college and works only part-time, handed her grandmother her gift my MIL laughed and said, “You didn’t get me what you do every year, did you?” DD was hurt and embarrassed. DD, who’s the grandchild who spends the most time with her, now doesn’t really want to anymore, and I don’t blame her. People reap what they sow.
How very cruel and thoughtless of you MIL, @austinmshauri ! I wouldn’t be inclined to spend time with this woman who embarrassed me and didn’t appreciate my efforts or time either.
If this is a change in behavior for MIL, I wonder if it’s a sign of dementia — losing her filter and unable to appreciate thoughtfulness of others. If she’s always been like this, she sounds ungrateful.
That’s a great point, @HImom, but not the case. It’s just her way.
It’s pretty obvious that my DH is her least favorite. A few years ago the entire family got together at my BIL’s for Thanksgiving. It’s out of state for us so MIL went a couple of days early. We were the first to arrive on Thanksgiving. As each of her other children arrived she said happy Thanksgiving and exchanged pleasantries. When we arrived she called my DH’s name as soon as she heard his voice and started asking him about the list of chores she’d left for him. I understand we live closest so it’s easy to take him for granted, but she’s always treated him that way.
Here’s one. My MIL actually gave our DD a very nice college graduation gift…a gorgeous and very unusually set Pearl necklace. She also gave DD a pair of earrings that “have been worn by ALL the women when they got married”. Well…first of all…that’s not true. None of the daughters in law were even offered the earrings. Anyway…there was a note in the earrings that these should be offered to any of the other girl cousins if they got married. But here is the odd part. My DD isn’t the eldest of the female cousins. And she also was not the first to get married. This put my kid in a very awkward place, I thought.
And that the eldest of the cousins didn’t get the necklace is still very perplexing to all of us daughters in law. The eldest didn’t even get a piece of jewelry…and MIL has plenty she could have given.
I don’t think it’s right to put the cousins in an awkward position either.
And believe me….my DD is not the favored female cousin.
I’m quite moved by reading this thread. I don’t understand why a parent or GP doesn’t give all the kids a similar gift at a holiday. If they feel much closer to one, maybe they are in the area and visit often, then the GP can give them more during the year.
I’ve had teenage patients address how their stepmom gave “her” children great gifts, like a new phone of iPad, and then got them a t-shirt.
So sad.
Well… I guess my opinion on above scenario would depend up whether the father gave daughter a nice gift (and just token gifts to his step children). But since mothers often are in charge of all shopping I fear the worse scenario.
A FB friend posted this candle she received as a Christmas gift from one of her four children. Ha ha! Made me think of this thread and our discussion of favoritism among grandchildren and children.
)?