article: parents trying to keep their students close

Parents Forum
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<p><a href="http://www.latimes.com/news/printedition/la-me-college18aug18,0,4517645.story?track=mostviewed-homepage%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://www.latimes.com/news/printedition/la-me-college18aug18,0,4517645.story?track=mostviewed-homepage&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p>

<p>Interesting article about parents being unprepared for students going away to college. I have to admit, I'm of the "get a grip" school of thought about students going away...we have a good friend who periodically cries about her daughter being so far away and I wince. But the linked article is poignant.</p>

<p>A Painful Course to College
As Betsy Perez of Highland Park realizes her dream of going away to school, her father wakes up to the reality of just how far away.
By Erika Hayasaki, Times Staff Writer
August 18, 2006</p>

<p>Ever since she was a little girl, Betsy Perez had known she wanted to go to college some place far away. Some place different from Highland Park, where she lived. In second grade, she wrote in a journal that one day she would attend Harvard.</p>

<p>Always, Betsy's father dismissed his daughter's grand plans with a soft smile. Sergio Perez, a truck driver, knew his children would have great opportunities. That was why he left Guatemala for the United States. He knew that one day she would become far more successful than he was. He knew that Betsy, a Franklin High School student, would attend a university. And it would be close to him. <see link="" for="" more=""></see></p>

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<p>TheDad ~ A poignant article, indeed. I like the idea of having a particular time that the new freshman is going to call home and update the folks. That's what my son is doing, and it allows me to think about other stuff, get on with my work, and when I remember that he's gone, I just tell myself that I can look forward to speaking with him.</p>

<p>Besides, he has such an incredible opportunity in front of him, and so many things went well in the college search (and even during the dorm move in), that I find I'm curious to see what he makes of all of the opportunities in front of him.</p>

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<p>For me, the best thing to happen was email and national calling plans. Just about every day, a five minute call or email lessens that saddness of the kids being gone. I would have a much harder time if my kids were away to college in the years I was.</p>

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<p>Never thought I'd do that AIM thing--but found that it helped me through D's freshman year. If I caught her at the computer during the day, we could have a quick 5 minute "chat". I didn't continue during the second year--just needed a little something to get through that first year.</p>

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<p>Reasonable, our D is away for the longest stint yet, 5+ months, and the more-or-less regularly scheduled calling times work for us...kinda. Last time, she didn't call in the window discussed via e-mail so I called her and she had been napping...figuring that she'd wake up when I called, LOL.</p>

<p>Elle, yeah, AIM is great for those "I haven't heard from you in a while moments." Haven't had so much of it lately but when she was very at school, I'd just turn on AIM and lurk like a U-boat commander until she surfaced, which she invariably did. Having watched her at home, I know that she multi-tasks like crazy, sometimes having three AIM chats going at the same time but what the heck.</p>

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<p>TheDad, I also had the feeling that I wasn't the only one she was chatting to. ..</p>

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<p>Did you parents call home when you were at college daily? I think the most I spoke to my parents on the phone was on Sunday nights!</p>

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<p>Eons ago in my first year away at college, I remember calling home collect every Sunday! Our dorm room phones could not call long distance #'s. To this day, I feel nagging guilt if I haven't checked in with my aging Mom every weekend, 1000 miles away. Cell phones and email have been great - call/email when something's up and they usually answer. We haven't a scheduled talk time. I'm with TD on the lurking factor of AIM - sometimes I just logon, not to message, but to see if they are alive.</p>

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<p>We had some great chats with our DD on AIM - we tried not to "jump in" when she was on-line, but rather let her initiate the contact most of the time. </p>

<p>One thing I did during her freshman year was to print out our IM's and e-mails and at the end of the year, put them in a binder and gave it to her. She was surprised and pleased, since it was like a supplementary journal for her, capturing all sorts of memories and descriptions that she never wrote about in her own personal journal. It covered everything from how she felt before her first test, descriptions of her friends and professors, trying things for the first time, her favorite (and not-so-favorite) dining hall foods, and lists of things she loved about school and things she missed about home.</p>

<p>btw, I got that idea 5 years ago from this forum!</p>

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<p>
[quote]
sometimes I just logon, not to message, but to see if they are alive.

[/quote]

I do that, too, especially when I know one of my boys was planning a weekend trip or something. It is always reassuring to see them online. (Son #2 just returned from away...) Son #2 says I am a stalker and threatens to change his AIM screen name, but I don't think he really means it. :)</p>

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<p>Great article - thanks, TheDad. </p>

<p>The 'rents call me when I don't surface for a while. They tend to ignore me during exams - thankfully. :) (Two semesters ago, I was wondering why I hadn't heard from Zeus; lo and behold, he knew that I was swamped and could assume that I was alive.)</p>

<p>For some people, the distance thing doesn't make sense - if you don't have that much money, even travel to someplace far away can be problematic, especially when there are good schools nearby. While I would have loved to explore somewhere else for undergrad, I was very happy that, when I got sick, I could get continuous, good care from summer to fall and that it was all covered under health insurance, because I went to the same hospitals that I went to during high school.</p>

<p>Some food for thought.</p>

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<p>
[quote]
Did you parents call home when you were at college daily?

[/quote]
dke, when I was in college, my parents used to call me at a regular time every Sunday night. But things were different then -- it was along distance call and cost them money -- they called me because it was cheaper for a direct call than for me to call collect. I was pretty good about remembering to be in my dorm room at the designated hour. </p>

<p>Cell phones, email, AIM have changed all that. When my son went off to college, AIM let us <em>see</em> each other, and fostered very casual communications-- things such as "Mom, do I have this word spelled right?" When my son lived at home we always did crossword puzzles together, and at college he found online puzzles and would email me late at night so we could keep on doing them together---"Mom, what do you have for 43 across?" So in a way, it seemed like we stayed a part of each other's life, even on opposite coasts.</p>

<p>My daughter spent a semester abroad at age 16 in Russia, and we texted & IM'd (via the cell phone) multiple times a day, often over trivial things. "Wow -- everything here is all snowy" About once a week we would talk for an hour by land line, with me using an international calling card -- usually around 6 hours of time for a $10 card. </p>

<p>I don't think the frequent contact is a sign of over dependency or clinging parents. On the contrary, I think that the technology allows much greater freedom. During part of the time that my daughter was in Russia, I was in Europe - in Paris and Amsterdam. Would I have been as comfortable sending my teenager to Russia without the ability for cheap, instant communication? Would I have been as comfortable with the idea of each family member traveling to distant places simultanously? Would she have been as comfortable with the idea of traveling halfway across the globe and living with strangers without the lifeline home? </p>

<p>I am glad that there is not the emotional distance between my kids and I that there was between me an my parents. My parents had their world, and I had mine -- and the generation gap was real. With my kids its different -- there is a lot more frequent, casual, unplanned contact, and they have had more freedom at home and lived and traveled farther than I would ever have imagined. But I don't think this closeniess is restricting -- on the contrary, I find the transition to an adult relationship much smoother. If I know that it is possible to reach my kids easily at any time, day or night ... then I don't worry about it and don't try unless there is a need to communicate. There is no parental fretting or whining ("why don't you ever call?") ... precisely because the communications are frequent and casual.</p>

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<p>
[quote]
But I don't think this closeniess is restricting -- on the contrary, I find the transition to an adult relationship much smoother.

[/quote]

Very true. Allowing independence + safety net is a great way to raise kids.</p>

<p>Your children must be happy to have you. Must be doubly hard being a truly single parent - the balancing act of having at least one caring, involved parent v. not smothering.</p>

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<p>Nice article, TheDad -- thanks for posting it.</p>

<p>I heartily agree that the communication options we enjoy today make it much easier emotionally to deal with the prospect of a child being FAR away. While my D went only five hours away to college, she spent half a year on the other side of the planet (in China). She called only once or twice but we could see her AIM presence and interact online daily so knew she was alive and functioning, at least. </p>

<p>Even when she was just at college, I joked that our online relationship was actually easier than our same household relationship (perhaps because my kid "leaves a trail" in the house and that stress source was nonexistent online).;)</p>

<p>My own take is that as long as my kids are growing and functioning well I am happy, wherever they may be. Perhaps when my younger one leaves the nest for college in two years I will prefer that at least one of them be near. But I still would prefer they pursue their lives wherever they be most fulfilled. I'd rather them far and happy than near and frustrated. </p>

<p>I am two hours from my own family and find that fine - close enough for a day visit on occasion, but far enough that we all have independent lives. If that were to work out for at least one of my kids I'd be delighted. But I know I can't count on - or control - that.</p>

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<p>I also kind of like that I can see what my daughter is up to via the public trail she leaves on myspace. It's cool, because I can see all my daughters friends and who she is connecting with, and this also lets me keep updated on some of her high school and even elementary school friends who post a message. My d. is also using myspace to maintain some of her international connections -- again, the world is starting to feel very small.</p>

<p>Of course there is a flip side -- my daughter likes to come on cc from time to time and check out all my posts here. I'm sure that away at college if she hasn't heard from me for awhile, she will check here first to see if I'm still alive.</p>

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<p>I don't really like communicating with the parents via IM, since they tend to IM me at times that are relaxing for them (reading the paper after dinner) but crazy for me (the five minutes between the bio review session I was running for the kids I TA and the meeting of a group project with a huge deliverable the next day). In that situation I either don't answer and feel guilty, or answer and am rather lacking in patience. Much better for me if they email so I can get back to them when I'm not so stressed. I also have agreed to call them every Sunday, and have yet to forget to make that call, so they don't have much reason to wonder if I'm still alive.</p>

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<p>Sounds good to me, but she almost never replied to any of my e-mails, so that was a bust. IM turned out to be the only way I could catch her. But I doubt I was catching her between review sessions or TA meetings, since I mostly connected with her by IM after 1:00 AM her time.</p>

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<p>
[quote]
But I doubt I was catching her between review sessions or TA meetings, since I mostly connected with her by IM after 1:00 AM her time.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>At least you can hope so, right? :-)</p>

<p>I've always been careful to answer emails from my parents within 24 hours because I know that I wait to long they'll be signing onto AIM for that same reason.</p>

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<p>
[quote]
Did you parents call home when you were at college daily? I think the most I spoke to my parents on the phone was on Sunday nights!

[/quote]
I supposidely was on the call once a week plan ... and did probably about 75% of the time. One thing I like about CC is hearing about people's VERY different experience in college ... it's interesting hearing the variety of approaches by both parents and kids.</p>

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<p>My D has some friends who call their parents most every night--but I thought that was weird (and I'm a parent!). I do wish mine would call more often,though--we don't have a set call time. Every now and then, I call my D up and leave a message for her to check in with us if we haven't heard from her after about 2-3 weeks.</p>