Being rejected from some of my favorite schools the last few days I know what helped:
someone who listens carefully when I complain and someone who understands. Sometimes we just need to be sad but time heals all the wounds. Just don’t say “but you got into xy” or “that’s just how things go” etc. This doesn’t help at all.
After reading alot of the posts on this thread, I have to wonder who is truly having the more difficult time with the sting of rejection.
@Treadmill-
I agree completely!
This past week has been hectic, with many of my friends final decisions rolling in. Many did apply to ivies. One of my close friend’s who was an extraordinary applicant did not get Into any of the ivies(but was WL at Columbia.) my best friend was rejected from Yale,Princeton, Cornell, Dartmouth, and Columbia, but was accepted to upenn(her top choice along with Columbia.) I thought they both had extraordinary profiles but my first friend was -IMO- too obsessed with getting into an ivy for the name, and that’s probably why she wasn’t accepted. My best friend only applied to most of those schools because her mother forced her, but she wound up being accepted at her top choice. I did not apply to any ivies, but was accepted to my top choice(Wesleyan), Waitlisted at my second choice(WUSTL), and accepted with a full tuition scholarship at my third choice(Northeastern.) Because my family is upper middle class(although that doesn’t say much in my neighborhood-we are in the lower middle class here) we did not get much need based FA, so I knew that even if I applied to an ivy(upenn was originally my top choice) I would not be able to afford it given that my parents will only pay 2-5,000 dollars a year. I also wanted to apply to Rice and Stanford, but those were too far away from home for my parents(I live in NY.) I haven’t experienced much outright rejection throughout this college process, but I’ve seen what it can do to people who were BRED their entire lives to go to an Ivy League school. We will all end up where we are supposed to be, whether that be a community college, or NYU Abu Dhabi, or Deep Springs, or Yale, vocational school, or not going to college at all. Most people on CC are overachievers, and I can almost guarantee that everyone will have options before them.
This past week has been so hard on so many of us parents. Today, I am one of those grieving moms, not mainly because my daughter got so many rejections/waitlist from all her reach/match schools, but because she has been such an amazingly talented girl, hardworking all her school life and is outrightly dejected with this entire high school hard work and college application process. She has been rolling over the floor and crying when she received a flood of rejections,the past 2 days. She literally didn’t have a life other than academics,volunteer/hospital/ community work all 4 years, Medical University research work all 4 years, insane amount of clubs and leadership positions at school, is a teacher’s pet in almost every subject, played jv/varsity sports- 3 years, got a perfect GPA, 2350+SAT I,800s in 3 SAT II,5s in 4 APs, wrote excellent essays as per her teachers and counselor(was reviewed many times and was saved by teachers as a model essay for future students -she put her heart and soul into the applications),currently with 6 AP’s in her senior year- from a medium sized public school,has about 25 trophies and medals for winning in numerous regional/state and national competitions in and out of school- almost every thing she needs to do for a medical career. What more can she have done to catch the attention of the admission counselors- no idea. She is one of the most self motivated kids in her school who wants to be a Doctor .
She got rejected out of every IVY, every prestigious 2nd tier/3rd tier school, WL at a couple of excellent private large Universities, rejected from every BS/MD programs-about 8 of them. All she has now is admission into a couple of state colleges and 1 in-state BS/MD -least prestigious program with least amount of scholarship(parent income range<100K).
We as parents feel so proud of all her high school accomplishments and are trying to encourage her that she will do great where ever she ends up going and will lead a successful career.
Being an over-represented minority might have killed her chances, which I think is very unfair to the child who puts in so much of hard work and dedication in everything she does to achieve her goal. It is definitely going to take a while for us, parents too, to recover from the major disappointments of this entire college admissions crap. It is insanely hard for us to face the guilt of letting our child go through this phase. But for her qualities and hard working nature, I am sure that she will succeed where ever she ends up going. All those other colleges that rejected her just didn’t deserve her( I know it sounds like ‘sour grapes’ !). I hope my 2 other younger children will get stronger with my daughter’s experiences and just be happy with any acceptance when they come to this stage !
I empathize with all other parents and kids going through this phase- just be strong and positive and take life as it comes. Kids should groom themselves to be happy where ever they get to and continue the hard work and dedication in their college - they will reach the success in career they have always dreamed of !
I actually think a little bit of “sour grapes” is pretty healthy for the kids at this phase. It helps to bring out the sense of humor, the “if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying,” sense of humor they all really need for this kind of academic arms race.
If a kid is truly self-motivated and wasn’t doing all they were doing in order to get the “reward” then they will no doubt find their way to all sorts of great opportunities at whatever university or college they attend.
Here is the thing: There are these elite colleges, but there are also elite students inside every college in the US. These students get all sorts of really great opportunities, and if they take advantage of them, really great educations.
But, all that said, it is perfectly healthy and normal for a kid to feel a bit miffed by this process, particularly when they lose in every lottery draw.
When schools are rejecting 94-80% of all students applying? Your kid has plenty of company.
@Collegecrap
I am really sorry to hear your D’s story. I think, I can probably safely say you are of Indian origin. I am sure it is hurting you more than your D. She is probably feeling that she has disappointed you or failed you. Please comfort her that, she has not failed you. I am sure she will do very well in what ever college she chooses to go to, the low tier BA/MD program or the other LACs. Believe me, it is no longer worth being a doctor [financially] when you take in the years, the money and time you put in to becoming one. One can say I love medicine and I am doing this for my passion, tell that to the 100s of doctors who carry college loans in to their 50s. I am not sure if the BA/MDs are worth the hype any more based on pure financial rewards and risks.
Having said that, I do wish the very best for you D, I hope she will take this in a positive way and will come out of this successfully.
Very similar situation here. My daughter is devastated for not getting into an Ivy League college. We are extremely happy that she got into Vassar which we think offers much better education that most Ivy colleges due to great professors and low teacher/student ratio.
I am not a pushy mom but it is frustrating to see how little space Ivy colleges have to offer and all the branding which goes on. I really didn’t care what college she got in and what matters the most is what happens after the college. I know so many Ivy League graduates who have no jobs and never really made it in life the way they have hoped to.
I wish I could help you since I need some advice myself and good luck to both of you!.
As a father going through this for the first time, my daughter is a high school junior, I fear what rejection might mean to my daughter. In reading the posts on this site, it seems all the parents and/or students have done well in school and are putting forth the effort to find the right fit for them. Then I read threads like this and I wonder what will I say to my daughter should this befall her. She is a driven, focused young lady, into music and the arts. Sings and dances at school, and is in dual enrollment classes, she is on pace to receive her AA in Liberal Arts when she graduates high school. With all of that on her plate, she leaves herself little time for other things.
At the beginning of this year, she sat us down and handed me a list of colleges she wanted to tour. A small list, and I noticed a common theme to them all. She looked for women’s liberal arts colleges, near big cities, small class sizes. She explained her rationale behind why she wanted these things, and why she decided on the colleges she had. She did not reach for schools, although she would love to be at a place like Davidson or Williams. Also but aside where Ivy League schools, and again it killed her to do that.
Her final list included Bryn Mawr, Agnes Scott, Mount Holyoke, Barnard, Smith, Wellesley (which she deems the biggest reach of her list, but one she wants to try), and then Rhodes and Vassar (just to see what they are like).
Her fall back position is any of the state universities in Florida (or possibly Rollins). With her AA she will be granted access so she can RD to one of them and feel comfortable enough.
I do know this, whatever happens come ED in November, whichever college accepts her will be getting one driven child.
It is so hard though, to see her devote so much time into all of this. I know she does not want to rely on her fallback position. I know her heart lies in places such as Bryn Mawr. How do I tell her it is alright if she isn’t accepted. This has been the worst part of all of this for me. The heartbreak tomorrow could bring and how will I try to pick up the pieces.
If money is not an issue, and Bryn Mawr is a clear favorite, and you have visited and she will attend if admitted, you might consider going early decision. Or any of the above schools if this is so.
The fact is that the ED acceptances at a LOT of places, these days, is much higher.
YMMV
I snatched this link from another CC thread:
[Suzy</a> Lee Weiss: To (All) the Colleges That Rejected Me - WSJ.com](<a href=“Suzy Lee Weiss: To (All) the Colleges That Rejected Me - WSJ”>Suzy Lee Weiss: To (All) the Colleges That Rejected Me - WSJ)
(to get around the paywall, google news the title and you should be able to find it.)
Maybe it’s just me, but I’d rather employ or hang out with the writer of this article than one of those currently in the fetal position after experiencing the first disappointment in their lives that their parents couldn’t protect them from.
Absolutely!
imike, your daughter sounds amazing. Good for her for marching to her own beat and taking so much initiative. I am sure that will come through in her apps and that she will have good options next year.
This is an interesting thread. My daughter received all her acceptances but one EA. All her top choice schools were RD and she got into none of them. 5 acceptances and 7 rejections.
I was feeling bad in that I had pushed her to apply to these schools because I thought she would get in to almost all of them and it would help her self confidence. instead, it reinforced the insecurity she has always felt.
Then last night, we heard that two of her friends who finished 1 and 2 in her class did not get into any of their first choice schools or Ivies. One of these girls has been filling out her college resume since 6th grade. hasn’t made a move unless it would make her look good to colleges. the other is a brain with no personality. she took AP classes her sophmore year that weren’t offered for sophomores but her daddy met with the school and made it happen.
If those kids couldn’t get in to schools that my D was also trying to get into, then I would have to say that it makes us all feel much better.
Nothing. There is nothing she could have done - unless it was “do less”. I interview many students with this profile, and so does my husband (med school). And although it doesn’t help after the fact, perhaps the next students coming along will gain some insight.
That is the profile of many applicants who are turned down. They’re so busy trying to prove they are worthy - they load up on EC’s and AP’s and whatever they think will distinguish them, that they forget to just be kids. I remember a parent getting angry at me in an informational meeting when he asked if we turned down students with perfect scores. My answer was ‘all the time’ and I confirmed that the same was true of my husband’s committee. What admissions is about in the US is completely different than what is required in some foreign countries. Here, the process is holistic. We’re looking for students whose lives centered around things they were passionate about, rather than lengthy resume building. Much of the applicant pool is filled with the latter.
When I interview those students they can tell me what they accomplished, but often can’t tell me why. Or where the passion came from behind it. I’d rather hear about the book they read, the trip they took, something that was a guilty pleasure that they did which wouldn’t normally count on a resume. Those kids stand out - even if they have imperfect scores.
That’s the hard lesson. I know several foreign countries emphasize perfect scores, grades and performance to get admitted to the top schools. The competition is fierce and some parents think their kids have a better shot here (hence ORM). I remember returning from NY and listening to a father yell at his five-year old son about not getting into a good college if he couldn’t master his 3-digit addition Kumon packet. I remembered thinking, he’s already set that kid up for failure because he’s pushing the wrong model of excellence.
Here, the competition is fierce due to sheer numbers, but also more holistic. Students don’t have to be perfect, but they do have to be interesting and passionate. And even then the majority of them will be turned down because admit rates are going south of 10% at many of the top schools. That means 90% of the qualified students are declined. And it’s gut wrenching for Adcoms who love the applicants but don’t have space.
So for those looking forward - perhaps fewer EC’s on your resume, and more depth in the ones that spark your imagination. Don’t make me excited about how MUCH you did (because I won’t be). Make me excited about one or two things you’d do even if it didn’t count for anything.
P.S. Please don’t underestimate how often a good student is bypassed because:
<ol>
<li>too many other students in the pile had the same profile</li>
<li>a teacher recommendation wasn’t as “glowing” as the student expected</li>
<li>the parents tagged along on the tour and/or interview and gave the impression that their child has a lot of choices dictated to them. (parents should not be seen or heard unless they know how to turn the “helicopter” motor off.)</li>
</ol>
I recently saw the President of Harvard University, Ms. Drew Gilpin Faust, raving during an interview about the benefits and “diversity” of having over 680 students from China on campus. How many are children of oligarchs and financial criminals? How many paid others to take their SATs and write their essays? How many simply bought their way in? How many are taking the places that should go to discriminated-against Asian-American students?
Xcitfan good point. WHY are we bringing in Chinese kids and making so difficult for American kids of Asian descent to get in? What type of crazy holistic approach is that?
@tamtiger- I totally agree with you. In fact, I tried to talk her out of a medical career for the same reasons and she had spoken to numerous Doctors at the hospitals and some of them had expressed the same. In spite of all that, she had this passion for being a Doctor ever since her childhood and always says that she cannot imagine herself being anything other than a physician. Of course, any parent would only want to support their kid whatever their passion is ! She is passionate into every other ECs she does to date. And I am not a helicopter mom either ! I am a person who believes in : a child should pursue whatever dream they are passionate about -be it to become an actress, or an American idol or a fashion model or an engineer or doctor. A parent can only guide and support them to do what they want to do.
@xcitfan- I saw 300 chinese kids at another IVY flown in from China with a guidance counselor and a govt representative touring the University !!
@MITalum- The ECs that she was doing was for her own interests and each of them was in depth be it sports or clubs. She played her sport all through her school and won several trophies for her high school team. Above all, not to mention she is the Valedictorian of her class. She pursued one of her passionate out of school ECs for 12 years ! Her LORs must have been good since she was the pet for her counselor and teachers. Her Ivy interviewers were very impressed in her interviews and a couple of them expressed that to her.
All I can blame is only her ORM status that one has no control of and just move on !
I have come to lose hope in this entire college admission crap !
But one thing I am sure is that her hard work will definitely pay off ultimately wherever she attends college and I am sure that college will take great pride in having her pursue her dream there ! Same applies to parents like me dealing with a kid in a similar situation and I wish you all will bounce back soon !
what is how which in the for uhhh making sure that it doesn’t uhh
I think what makes the rejection worse is the Facebook and discussion amongst classmates. A lot of kids post their acceptances on Facebook, making some kids feel bad in the end when they see an Ivy acceptance. Also, discussion amongst classmates can really ruin a student’s self-esteem, especially if certain students are financially oblivious and question why certain kids don’t apply to certain colleges. The financial situation does definitely affect where a student might apply, and a lot of kids don’t realize that.
As a student in the exact situation herself, I have been rejected from 13 schools in a row all of very good caliber. I have sacrificed my entire high school life to dedicate myself to becoming the best student all around. I can understand how your daughter is feeling. I have top stats myself ACT of 32 first try and very high GPA with so many extracurriculars I though I was a shoo-in. The thing with me is that I came into the college application process telling myself to apply, but not expect anything. After all those rejections, yes, I felt horrible but I had my parents keep telling me that it’s okay and that they were still proud of me and know how hard I worked for everything I’ve done. I know that I would like to hear how my parents are not disappointed in me even with all these rejections and it’s great to be reassured there’s ALWAYS a way. Even if every school rejected me, I still can go to community college and transfer. It’s not the end of the world. It hurts a lot to see all your sacrifice seem to be in vain, but it’s NOT! Because now I know I am ABLE and I am SMART and I am HARDWORKING. It doesn’t matter if these colleges rejected me. It doesn’t make me or your daughter any less good since we know that we are the cream of the crop. You just need to reassure her that it isn’t HER FAULT. She’s done her best and that’s that! Admissions this year was brutal and there’s a lot of people that get in with lower stats than your daughter and I. Don’t let her fall into a depression! Cheer her up by doing things she likes! Make sure you show her that you aren’t disappointed in her and are not ashamed of her and that you love her still. I know I was so sad thinking my parents would be so disappointed in me and so ashamed of me. It helped me a lot when they showed me lots of love and really worked hard to keep me happy. If you need any more information about how to help out your daughter, or even if you would like me to talk to your daughter, I would be glad to help. The last thing you want to do, is seem like you don’t care about her after she’s been rejected so much. Don’t let her sit around in sulkiness! Also don’t avoid her! Make sure to be there for her and be around her constantly talking to her. It helps so much to know your parents really still love you and are proud of you regardless and are there to share your pain and anger at the colleges!