I know of grandparent willing to help out (ranging from a small amount to the entire tuition), but I’d never heard of extended family members such as aunts and uncles being told they were expected to contribute “substantially” toward tuition. I’d be taken aback if someone said that to me. Since it’s your husband’s family, maybe he needs to sit down with his siblings and explain that they should choose a college based on what they are saving for their kids. It’s always nice when people want to contribute, but it shouldn’t be expected.
Whomever is related to her or her husband needs to be blunt. My older son has grandparents who send him $100 a month. Nice for him, but I would never expect that!
I did not help my neice or nephew at all…I have my own kids to pay for!
A couple decades ago, my aunt/uncle/grandparents helped me with college costs by providing some weekends off campus (ferrying to and from, approx 1 hr), which included access to their laundry room, misc goodies for the dorm room, invaluable family time, and the occasional $20.
My brother and sil will likely provide “get out for the weekend” service to my daughter if she goes to the U nearest them (currently her #1 choice). I hope to be able to give some book/misc money and “weekends away” (if geography allows) to their kids. My nephew and niece are enough younger than my own children that if I’m fortunate in the upcoming years, I’ll be able to set small amounts aside for them.
But that’s it. None of us are well enough off to even think of contributing to the base cost of college for each other’s kids. The idea that a relative would expect that ahead of any offers is odd to me.
No. And you should tell her ASAP.
Do you have children of your own? The only way I can possibly wrap my head around your SILs expectations is if you do not have kids of your own to put through college. But even then it is completely absurd for her to have any expectation about your contribution to her kids’ college costs.
its been almost 30 years, but i still get tears in my eyes when i think about how broke our family was - with my starving-artist-dad – and my how my harvard-law-uncle sent me a random check for $200. It helped all semester with books and a new coat. Of course it wasnt expected and i’m not sure my parents ever knew about it. Like posters above, the unexpected is so often appreciated and enjoyed.
but expectations for regularly funding college?? that’s really too much. I’d kindly set boundaries now.
my own sister does very well and has no kids; but i would never ever ask or expect any help from her with our 4.
Oh wow wouldn’t that be a fantasy?
The answer here is no. We have zero dollars in grandparent funding. Zero dollars in aunt and uncle funding. No trust funds, no inheritances. It’s all us!
I know in certain cultures it’s expected and accepted. I would be horrified if anyone in the family straight up expected me to fund their kids college! They all have jobs and can all work. I would probably be a bit more understanding and likely to help if there were an extended illness or disability that interfered.
Not to pile on here with the “No way!” But really, no $#^@! way… Outside religious holidays and birthdays, etc, ‘Gifts’, which this would be, should in reality NEVER be expected and it is galling how incredibly rude and forward this statement seems
UNLESS… what is the history with your husband’s family? Who paid for your husband’s and his sister’s (your bold and seemingly entitled Sis-I-L) education? There may be a family tradition, not necessarily a cultural “Pay-it-forward” expectation.
What! You should pay for your own kids education. Why didn’t you save the money instead of doing XXXX?
That would be my response.
Plus it will be very useful to them if their expectations are set straight.
If you are at all inclined to give money, then only do it Junior year or later as it does not affect financial aid. I would not let them know that I was going to help. That way they make their college decisions without expecting your help.
Of course if you want to influence the decision, then maybe you can promise something. For example your niece gets accepted to Stanford, but parents cannot afford, and niece has to choose state school. If you want her to go to Stanford, maybe them you can offer help.
There is no way I would ever expect aunts, uncles or extended family to help with college tuition. They’re my kids and my responsibility to put through school. It doesn’t matter how well off you are, paying for someone else’s kids should not be expected at all. Your SIL seems to be overstepping quite a bit here.
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You might need to be very direct with you SIL. "I'm sorry you think we're going to be able to contribute to college for your kids, but we aren't. Please pick a college you can afford on your own." Leave it at that.
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^^^ This times 1000!!!
And please do this as soon as possible. You do not want this lady getting the kids hopes up that auntie and uncle will be paying a bunch. You don’t want to be thrown under the bus that this money was expected and now it’s your fault their dream school is not affordable.
I suspect that you don’t have kids and greedy SIL thinks that means that you should help pay for her kids’ college costs.
@mom2collegekids nailed it - we do not have children therefore we should be easily able to subsidize their family (in their opinion). This comes up all the time in smaller ways, “pay for dinner”, “pay for gas”, “pay for…vacations”, but the mention of paying for college - for multiple children - and assuming that means expensive private schools on top of it - had me so stunned I am sure I didn’t shut it down enough in the moment. Add to that my feeling guilty that I technically could do something (hence considering 529s in the past), had me wondering what other families do. I appreciate the responses from everyone.
How about this – tell them you’ll pay for their kids’ college if their kids support you in your old age!
It takes a whole lot of chutzpa to assume someone else will pay to educate the children you chose to have.
No. Do not pay for their college unless it is willingly and happily.
A nice HS graduation gift, if this appeals to you, is to send the nieces and nephews $50/month spending money during the time they’re in college. It’s a nice way to contribute if you have the means, and it goes directly to the students!
Sounds like mediocre student effort in HS…I agree about saying very little but directly in the mantra line given.
We have married niece/nephew on both sides of the family, and gift them equal amounts yearly to put into college accounts for their young kids (one has 3,one has 2, oldest is 6). Like other posters, small amounts, like a few hundred per child, sent together sometimes annually. It helps these busy parents at least set up some kind of college savings account. We do give the children small gifts, but instilling a little financial wisdom with the time value of money.
DDs both benefited from a stock account which grew nicely in a relatively short period of time (my mother had two small life insurance policies which had the grandchildren as beneficiaries).
Both of these families (niece/nephew) are looking into 529 accounts (or have them set up), but also can opt for the stock account (I provided them the information). In addition to the stock accounts, our DDs benefited from very good scholarships, and a pre-paid tuition program in our state which I bought into when they were infants – and that paid off, as they both used the full benefit of that program.
My sister’s two kids had about half scholarship at a good private school in their state; her salary cash flowed their college costs so both had UG degrees w/o debt. Her sons knew how hard she worked for the $$.
Many kids are not taking full advantage of education value of their HS, and many parents are not very savvy about guiding their children.
My brother and law and his wife are very well off. They funded a few of her nieces and nephews (very low income) for college. All of them dropped out and they are very bitter about it. My father in law was a farmer and left his estate to his 12 grandkids with stipulation it be used for education first. We were very surprised by this. What a gift. Some of the grandkids have wasted the opportunity…one plowed through the money and is on the 10 year plan. It’s a shame because it would have easily covered 4 years at her school (state). Others have used it wisely. We wonder if some of the kids would have been better off without the money…more of their own skin in the game. Some kids don’t get it. You never know. I would not expect anyone to contribute to our kids education. We had already saved enough for 4 years at a state school for each of ours. If they wanted something else it was on them to fund it with merit etc.
I occasionally encourage my son’s interest in my sister’s alma mater in the fond hope that if he does get in (it’s around a 10% admit school) she might help with the costs just a bit. However my sister is gay and has no kids of her own to take care of. It’s more of a hope than a plan.
My father set up a college fund when the child was born and has been contributing to in every year and it has grown to be quite substantial. However, he didn’t know the wrinkles of college costs and he put it not in his name, not in my name, but in the child’s name. So instead of paying the full EFC with a decent amount left over for grad school or a first house down payment, kiddo will be left with nothing or a small loan at the end. Still better than a lot of other people’s finances, but if grandpa had set it up another way then we would be sitting pretty.
We are hoping that he won’t realize that at age 18 it’s his without restrictions and he can cash the whole thing in and fly off to Hollywood.
I don’t understand your post @ninakatarina
How can he “fly off the Hollywood”? It has to be used for qualified educational expenses no matter whose name it’s in, or else it is subject to penalties. I think your father did just fine. For the purpose of financial aid calculations, a 529 is considered a parental asset—even if it’s in the student’s name—and assessed at about 5.6% instead of the 20% assessment for a student asset. It would have been worse if the 529 were in your father’s name. Then the distribution each year would be considered income for your child.
Sounds like grandfather set up an account in students name but not a 529.
Your sister in law is out of line - expecting you to help w/ her kids’ education just because you make more? That’s nuts.