Based on comments made from a family member, I am curious as to what happens in other families regarding help paying for college from extended family, such as aunts and uncles. While we do plan to do something for our nieces and nephews (hence my post last year on 529s), I haven’t fully decided on how much. My SIL recently stated that she fully expected my husband and I to help “substantially” due to the fact that we have good jobs. Now, while she may recognize the companies we work for, we don’t share salary, savings, etc, nor have I ever shared that we plan to do something when the time comes (oldest of her children is in middle school now).
When I was in school (late 90’s) I am positive that my aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc did not pay anything towards my schooling to either the school or my parents. The aunt in my family that is kind of known as being “well off” did send me a check for $300 during my senior year to help with books, which 20+ years later I still remember and appreciate.
So, hopefully it is ok to ask this question here. Do you expect extended family to provide money for college? If they are helping, how much (percentage, dollars, whatever you are comfortable with)? Very curious about this since the comment was posed to me recently.
Expect? No one has a right to ‘expect’ you to pay.
I have friends where the grandparents pay for the educations of all the grandchildren and have since pre-school (catholic grade school and high schools). It is a wonderful gift and the kids had no restrictions on the colleges they picked. One attends an instate public for about $20k, another an OOS public for about $30k, and the rest private schools in the $60-$75 range
My grandfather used to send me $20 a few times a year. Very appreciated. My brother sends my kids $100 several times per year. Very appreciated. No expectations.
Grandparents paying tuition is a nice way for them to hand down money generationally but I would certainly not expect it. I don’t know of anyone paying for a niece or nephew’s education. I might do what your relatives and @twoinanddone have done-send a smallish amount to allow a relative a little bit of financial wiggle room. I would be less likely to give that money if I thought my relatives thought they or their kids were entitled to it.
aunts and uncles? Never. My children’s grandfather gave a significant amount (1+ year of private education) to each of his 6 grandkids, which was very generous. I would never expect my brothers/sisters/in-laws to contribute anything to college, beyond perhaps a couple hundred dollars at graduation (and that’s not expected, just what has happened).
Never. Not from our kids’ grandparents, either. (The grandparents didn’t even help us…their kids. ) I agree with @TomSrOfBoston. It is an outrageous expectation.
Wow. Agree with the others, unless you or your husband have mentioned helping in the past. If you do help I would either pay the school directly or set up a 529.
Smaller gestures like the $300 in book money that you remember fondly is the type of contribution I’d advise. My kids get $50 checks from a longtime family friend for various holidays and they really look forward to the cards (handmade) and money. If she just sent me $250 a year for each of them to put toward their college costs, it wouldn’t seem nearly so special.
We send one nephew (college student who is also our godson) $100 at Christmas, and he always calls sounding quite appreciative. Other nieces and nephews got high school graduation gifts ($50-$100, probably?) but that was it. All of us are either paying our own kids’ college costs, or finished up recently, and would never expect help from our siblings, no matter how wealthy they are.
Grandparents are different. My parents are in good shape financially, are generous, and we are happy to accept their help; but I’d be embarrassed to take money (or have my kid accept money) from anyone else.
In some cultures maybe. I remember one story where new immigrants were helped by the community to get established and were expect to return the favor to the next immigrant.
If I was dying, starving or homeless, I would hope, not expect, my relatives to help if it was possible. However eductaion does not fit that defination of life threating need.
I have a friend who’s husband started a “college” fund for his niece long before he ever married my friend. Well, due to life, two kids of their own, and really bad money management the fund was drained by my friend, and I know her husband wasn’t happy because he really had planned to gift his niece that money. I do think his actual nuclear family should have come before the niece, though. I personally would never expect aunts and uncles to pay for my kids’ college. If someone graciously wants to donate money to my kids I wouldn’t say no, but that will never happen. I can’t even get the grandparents to give them $20 for their birthdays.
Back in the stone age, I went to college in the part of the country where all of my maternal relatives lived. This meant I always had a place to stay for short college breaks. I’d hop a bus or train, and someone would pick me up. Sometimes I took a friend along who also was far from home. At some point in the visit, one of the adult relatives would pull me aside, slip me something folding, and say, “This is for you, now don’t tell your grandmother/grandfather/aunt/uncle.” All these years later I still remember the trip to my grandparents’ one break, when I collected not only a cake from the fireman’s raffle we attended, but also enough folding money from grandma, grandpa, aunt1, and aunt2, to cover my bus fare and leave a small “profit”. I never expected these gifts. They were a bonus. But what random joy they brought me then, and what joy the memory brings me now.
Now I’m the aunt who occasionally has the opportunity to roll out an inflatable mattress for an out-of-town niece/nephew. We’ve hosted several college kids, and a couple carloads of Marines. The denomination on the folding money that gets slipped into their pockets is a bit higher than back in the stone age, and they generally leave with a Trader Joe’s care package rather than a home baked fireman’s raffle cake. And of course I say, “This is for you, now don’t tell Happydad.” But he already knows.
What do you want to do for your neices and nephews? How much can you legitimately afford? Perhaps by the time they get to college, folding money will have lost its charm. If you do go that route, remember that you need to fold it twice, and then roll it up tightly so no one can see how much you are handing off.
My thought is that we’re more of the slip some money here and there type - and maybe offer to buy something big for graduation - like a laptop, or a decent gift card to buy dorm supplies, etc. I would love to be well off enough to do something grand once they graduate like paying off student loans, but that is not something I would commit to without knowing the amount needed! Thankfully my husband and I are in agreement about this.
On the flip side I worry about these kids getting into college at all! I know my SIL has promised NYU to the older child as they walked around campus on a family vacation to NYC. I have no idea if SIL realizes this is an extremely expensive, hard to get into school, but regardless, I don’t have that kind of money! And the child would need to improve from being a C student, which I worry won’t happen (not trying to be mean, promise!).
I paid for college myself - no help from parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, extended family members. My husband did the same. We paid/pay for our kids’ educations ourselves. No relatives help at all.
Frankly, I would be disinclined to help someone who seemed to expect it and had an entitlement attitude. Any help given to a relative is a generous gift and should be viewed as such.
You might need to be very direct with you SIL. “I’m sorry you think we’re going to be able to contribute to college for your kids, but we aren’t. Please pick a college you can afford on your own.” Leave it at that.
unless you come from a culture in which all the relations help all the relations (and your SIL would be expecting to help you if you had college-going kids) then @twoinanddone is spot-on- but it’s your brother you need to say it to, not SIL "I was really surprised that SIL seems to be under the idea that you all are expecting us to contribute ‘substantially to your kids college fees. We love you all, but please do not assume that we will be subsidizing their college educations’.
Are there any specific cultural expectations in play here? Have you actually mentioned the 529? You didn’t let SIL you were planning to contribute right? You did say you were going to contribute 12K a year and these kids are pretty young.
( 8, 10, 12) that would add up to quite a chunk if you base it in this contribution over 10 yrs. If you have set up this expectation and now regret it , now is the time to speak up.
It has never occurred to me to help with the education for a nephew or niece. In my entire life I have only heard of one case where this has happened, and it was to a very limited extent from someone who suddenly became quite well off (well into 8 figures). Even then I suspect that he might have been better off to not mention it and give nothing – if you give someone some money there seems to be a 50/50 chance regarding whether they will be very thankful, or will ask why you didn’t give them even more.
No cultural expectations here and my husband and I have never agreed to fund college or make any payments towards it for the kids. Have not mentioned the 529 I was considering opening and I never did end up setting up the accounts last year. I read so much here about how it could impact financial aid and be counted as an asset, etc. that I decided it would just end up being an instance of my trying to do something nice and it ending up causing issues. (Going through that right now with a Girl Scout cookie order with this family now, sigh. I said I would buy SOME cookies, not ALL cookies.) The 12K is just sitting in savings though I probably should throw it in my taxable investment account.
) I agree with