@Cake1036 I’m so sorry for your stress and that your family has been torn apart. Did your sister have some justifications why she thought that was fair or reasonable?
It seems like people always have their own side of the story and it is interesting to hear the reasoning, sometimes.
@ookworm I honestly think, in those types of situations, that some sort of adjustment should happen, while the parent(s) are still alive. Not that one wants to be paid to care for their parents.
My SIL was annoyed at the price the in laws were paying for a full time caregiver (close to $10k) and I asked her if she would like to do it for that? I wouldn’t have, but would not have been upset to pay a family member to do it for that amount. As if that would ever happen, family is constantly expected to do it for free.
We have one kid who will be the trustee and who will be in charge and I have already told her that if we need her to care for us, beyond a certain point, that I expect to work out a fair amount to transfer to her before we die so that the estate can be divided equally and she is not unfairly treated.
I’ve been on several ends of some of the dynamics being discussed.
When you’re the closest, or you’re the second signatory on an account- it might look like you’re cheating if you withdraw 5K at a time… but perhaps that represents $500/week that the closest child has been shelling out for miscellaneous items, and rather than writing yourself a check every week, you periodically file your “expenses”. It looks like a lot of money but it might represent the kid who has been covering a lot of incidentals. I know my siblings had no idea how much the regular grocery run cost until we moved to Peapod and they could see it (we all had access). Toothpaste, toilet paper, bananas, windex, food-- the close-in sibling is making grocery runs all the time, picking up the check at lunch after a doctors visit, paying the dentist, covering taxis to appointments…
And you can be the “far away” child who is NOT doing the regular grocery runs. But paying (quietly) utilities, property taxes, writing a check for 5K to repair the roof, paying $2500 for the upgraded wheelchair when Medicare won’t cover it but the orthopedic surgeon says it’s absolutely necessary if the sprained ankle is ever going to heal properly.
Seen both sides.
It is so true that parents can treat siblings differently. Observing my in laws vary different enjoyment of and favortism toward 4 different kids, that gave me much more empathy toward my black sheep sibling who lives not too far away, but, from my perspective, made very little effort to help with the aging parents. I get that each of us has a different relationship and expectation with our parents.
I also have a sibling who made very little effort and told my helpful sibling that Mom & Dad moved away from the home area and they made little effort to stay in touch. Mom & Dad did not visit much, sibling visited them. Neither Mom & Dad nor sibling made much effort to call, no problems, they just both bad nothing to say 
They are just the same, very passive people, who don’t make social efforts. Sibling or parent are both happy to participate when invited, but neither makes the effort, it’s so weird. And sibling felt no need to make much effort unless forced into it.
Re calling the IRS: I found calling over and over until it connects works. I get the - call again tomorrow - message about 4-6 times and finally get through and put on hold for about 15 minutes. I have filed two interim reports with the register of Wills court with the message— still waiting on the IRS.
In the case of my mother, we did not realize how much my single childless brother was doing for her. Although my mother was doing a lot for him, the extent of his assistance was not clear until she and he moved South to be near my sister (and surgeon hubby). He also will need money more than the other sibs and has not been known for good financial decision-making. I suggested to my sibs and then my mother that she a) increase the amount of her state that goes to him; and b) put it in trust so that it goes out $Xk per month to him and he has to ask the trustee for more. But now my sister and brother (and her husband) are doing a ton. In 2001, my father had a stroke and then my mother was hospitalized for Guillane-Barre syndrome, I took over their finances (bill-paying, investment management, taxes, insurance, etc.). My father died the following year and my mother got out of hospital/rehab and paid some of her bills but I have been doing it since then. All of my sibs are cooperative and I expect no issues.
On the other side, ShawWife’s dad died a long time ago and her mother is still going though her partner of 15 or so years just died. Two of her kids live near her. The son does yeoman service for her (and the partner as well when he was around). Shopping, bringing them to docs etc. The sister who lives near her does nothing. And, as I’ve mentioned, there is the grabby sister, who does a lot of helping as does ShawWife, but also a lot of grabbing. She lives near us (600 miles away from mom). I’m expecting problems here, as I mentioned above. I’ve done a fair amount for this family, shepherding them through a couple of transactions that were botched by the parents and could have had disastrous tax effects (in part because there are very complex cross-border tax issues that could have made things tough for the US taxpayers and the parents really didn’t listen to me the first time when I tried to suggest better structures). I’ve offered to take over the bill-paying/investment stuff if she wants but she doesn’t. I don’t think the amount of my effort is appreciated. I think the mom suspects self-interest and doesn’t trust me. Two of the kids (and my wife) are deeply grateful, but the grabby sister and her grabby H are always thinking something is being taken away from them. I used to think the siblings were so close that there would be no issues, but the grabby sister is going to create lasting resentments.
@blossom
Sadly, not the case in my situation. While she was the one managing 24 hour in home care (paid for by NHS), my other sister also living locally and did the weekly grocery shop, shared the burden so to speak. The money was withdrawn to pay off her debts, go on vacations etc. She said that my mother didn’t care about money anymore and wouldn’t miss it, and also that she deserved it more than us because we were financially more secure. It wasn’t actually the money that bothered me, it was the lies over 10 years and the betrayal of trust.
Makes sense, if Sis had moved in with Mom and was giving up her life to care for Mom, I could see there being some sort of arrangement, but also, Mom should have known and if they were smart, put something in writing so siblings would not be shocked.
You just never know which siblings are going to get grabby. I have a friend with six kids in the family and one has used childhood resentments to make it a 4v2 situation, I never would have expected those kids to go that way. Very WT (says my friend) including calling the cops on each other 
And grabby is rough, I saw how one grabby sibling can be the catalyst to incite others to become protectively grabby.
Still say the best way to go is to die with nothing. My mother bought a house with my brother as co-owner about 7 years ago (for her to live in). When she got cancer last year, she signed it all over to him. She still pays half the mortgage and all the expenses, but is now just a tenant. He gets to pay for the new windows and my another brother is installing them as a gift to my mother.
The house has doubled in value in those 7 years, but my brother took the risk and all the gain is his. Plus the new windows.
When she dies, there will be nothing to worry about except the Hummels. There will be absolutely no fighting over those.
I had this problem too. I ended up talking to our local social security administration office and they were able to help me.
@college_query contact your congressman/woman.
I believe there is a look back period for getting rid of assets. Hopefully, she has enough money left to fund her last expenses and does not need government help at the end.
Yes, there is a claw back provision. She either needs to live another 4 years or my brother will lose some of his profit on the house if she needs to go into assisted living.
Or I’m sure we can make millions by selling the Hummels.
We were so shocked by it all. Didn’t see it coming and feel like we never knew her at all. Just glad my mother didn’t realize it was going on. We all agreed that she was best placed to manage our mother’s every day finances which was why she was second signatory. We submitted receipts to her for reimbursement of our expenses. Trusted her so completely that we never asked to see bank statements. Little did we know that years after the formal dx of dementia she forged my mother’s signature (witnessed by her boyfriend) giving her sole power of attorney. Crazy!
Way back when (decades ago) I worked for Social Security and Congressionals were literally put in a red folder and hand carried through the stages.
I am not sure that I completely trust my SIL (well, her H …), which was the reason my in laws chose my H to have POA. But after FIL died, MIL has made it so that SIL can do whatever she wants with the money. H decided he’d rather she just have POA than end up trying to oversee what she’s doing. She would never put my MIL in a position where she didn’t have enough to take care of her needs - she is 94 & has plenty of money left to cover her needs even if SIL were to siphon some for herself. H figures that if she does that, either it will get straightened out when the bank, which is executor, eventually deals with the estate … or it won’t, and he will just cut his losses. He figures it wasn’t his money in the first place.
“Little did we know that years after the formal dx of dementia she forged my mother’s signature (witnessed by her boyfriend) giving her sole power of attorney.” - Oh my! That is awful. I figured that POA docs need notary verification of signature. Actually, I know of a situation that concerns me if that’s not the case. Does it vary by state?
Notary not required in Uk 
Does anyone know in NY if one has to post a notice in the newspaper regarding a death with planning on closing out an estate?
I’ve got everything else done and it’s been over two years waiting to see if any unforeseen bills would come in. They haven’t. I’d like to close out my mom’s estate in Oct, so thinking I just need to get all those in the will to sign off that they agree with the figures, but a google search said some states require newspaper notification ads. Is NY one of them? A quick glance didn’t have anything popping out to me.
Maybe check with the probate court? Seems like if you had to put notices in paper it would be on a check list.