One of the reason we did not set up a trust (a free service with our financial planning firm) is that we did not really know what we’d want for the terms or who we’d want to bother to be trustee. Our kids were settled adults, so not same concerns as younger paretns. Having no trust (just designated beneficiaries and will) may mean that someday they pay more state taxes (or possibly federal taxes if rules change drastically)… so be it.
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We need a trust because of our disabled son. Don’t think we would have one otherwise.
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Let’s keep this thread going. I am in the middle of a mess with my sister. I need to hire a lawyer. I will not post anything, other than ARGH!
My in laws included a clause that says anyone who contests any part of the will loses their inheritance. I think my FIL realized that my SIL and her H could possibly try to pull something. But so many people I know who have had issues with family members and inheritances have said that they never saw it coming. Hope things get better for you soon, @BerneseMtnMom.
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Bernese- sending you hugs. There is a peculiar dynamic to the sister conflict which is so painful.
Been there, done that, so relieved it’s in the rear view mirror. It required money spent which didn’t need to be spent, and endless aggravation which wasn’t necessary, but in the end, I took the high road and am glad I did.
If you get to the point where you want help or advice, I bet many of the posters here will have productive suggestions for you.
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@BerneseMtnMom
Agree with everything Blossom said. It’s such a painful situation with a sister.
My sister took a lot of money from my mother’s bank account over 10 years while she looked after her finances (she was a second signatory on the account) due to dementia and other physical ailments. Not minor amounts either, it was $5k to $10k every time she dipped into her savings. It’s an awful person who takes money from their mother when it may have been needed to fund future healthcare. It still hurts as much today as it did when my other sister and I found out (directly after my mother passed). Our relationship would never have been the same but we would have settled for an apology and, as a matter of principle, a token amount returned to the estate but she refused on both counts. A lot of time and money was spent on lawyers and it boiled down to us taking her court. We just couldn’t do it and she knew it. What my sister did (and continued to do after my mother passed) has torn our family apart and we haven’t spoken to this sister in 5 years. I miss my nieces and nephew.
The outcome wouldn’t have been any different with or without lawyers but it certainly caused way more stress and prolonged the conflict. My only advice would be to think about how far you would go and how far is necessary. I do hope you can resolve your conflict.
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Oh my gosh that is so sad and horrible. I’m sorry to hear what your sister did to your family.
After my mom died, I would visit my dad almost daily. In his checkbook, he clearly wrote date and $ paid for each bill. But he ran out of checks and forgot to ask for more. We went to the bank (where he was well known), and opened an account with both our names on it. (For the record, everyone but Amex cancelled all the late charges.)
The following month, I saw a strange $10 charge. Turns out, my sister had asked to see a copy of the charges. I told her I was putting everything on Quicken and gave her the PW.
For the record, I took the 20+ brokerage firms and condensed everything into fidelity, leaving vanguard IRA alone. If anyone hasn’t done this, it requires 5+ forms, medallion signatures, etc. After dad died, all of us in the Trust met at Fidelity, with a death certificate, and what $ there was was split appropriately.
I never needed a lawyer for dad’s estate. I had been burned by my parents’ lawyer for mom’s estate, driving it into probate illegally, so I already had dad’s signature to sell condo and transfer title of car.
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Sorry for my long rant. Last evening, I spent an hour on the phone with a best friend. His wife has been the full time caretaker for her mother, yet the estate is split between her and her brother (he thinks). The brother rarely visits. The wife refuses to accept $ for her work, though she quit her job for this work. She even sleeps over at mother’s house often. She has always been a martyr.
Talking to my friend brought back my memories.
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I took care of my dad long distance (coordinated caregivers, case managers, home repairs, frequent visits, ets) and had to do all the estate work when he passed. My )$&$() brother did nothing but cause trouble, take seats out from under people at the shiva, and lawyer up the next day when he wasn’t immediately sent a copy of the trust the next day (the trust attorney was in court at the time). Need I say more? It was not fun, and I haven’t spoken to him in years.
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So many dreadful stories. I’m sorry.
I am handling my sibling’s estate and am not an heir. My complaint is with the IRS.
3/2020 filed an amended return
2/4/21- letter in the mail- approved and check in 4-6 weeks
6 weeks later I call- approved 2/22/21 and check in 6-8 weeks
9 weeks later- we need to assign someone to the file and disregard any letters
8/21- 2019 returns are not a priority and who knows when you will get the refund.
It’s the only outstanding issue.
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I want to thank everyone who chimed in. The latest ploy was just this last Wednesday, Thursday, so I need time to think things through, long and short term consequences, and family relationships. I want to blare the facts from the rooftop, but obviously, that is not the correct action. Beathe, BerneseMtnMom, breath.
Good luck, emotions run high, folks may be jumping to all sorts of conclusions, or had incorrect assumptions about what was due or what is fair. Get counsel to evaluate costs and benefits and to handle communication about the estate.
There are frequently two sides to this type of story. Typically IME the child(ren) who stays and lives close ends up taking care of the parent and is resentful of the sibling(s) who live far away and aren’t around much.
However…the child who lives close frequently forgets that a few decades in the past he/she reaped benefits from living near the parent(s). Free childcare (full time or occasional) not having to travel for holiday and other benefits. Somehow they forget the times mom and dad helped them in other ways. If the sibling lives on the other side of the country it can be very expensive to travel to visit. It’s also hard when the sibling who is away has work and/or family obligations. If you are the child who lives close, you might not think a visit once or twice a year is much but it can be to someone who has to travel 1000 miles.
Just sayin’.
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Or you could have a parent who drives one child away, as my MIL seems to be doing. She made the comment that her D does so much for her … “Actually, she does everything for me.” Well, you told me - the one your H prepped with the knowledge to help with the financial situation after he died - to get out of your business. You put your D’s name on your bank account, gave her checks & a credit card … then got miffed when your S told you that you may as well change POA to her, since she’s got access to the money already. We asked to handle the taxes and insurance on the home you own because H is on the deed & you paid late … but you are refusing his help. He offered to bring you here for a visit, but you made up a story about him not wanting to bring you. You constantly push him away … yet he travels 13.5 hours each way at least once a month to see you, and he spends hundreds of dollars on hotels & gas each time (not to mention wear & tear on the car). His S lives 3 hours from her mom … and H was not the one who moved from the area where he grew up … his parents left him & moved closer to his S. But I guarantee you that his sister is clueless about much of this, and she probably believes her mom when told that H isn’t helping. He would do anything for her … but she won’t let him.
That said, I know that many siblings don’t help. My friend’s H has 6 siblings who live near his mom. He lives 3 hours away, but he helps more than the siblings who are close by.
Families are sometimes tough to navigate.
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Yes. And unless you know the entire story it’s easy to make assumptions. Sometimes the sibling(s) who get judged for “not helping” have offered many times and have not been allowed to help.
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Each situation is unique.
When my parents were in their final years my kids were very small. My parents were not able to help with childcare at all. My kids were high needs and we really had minimal familial support. It was pretty much all me and my husband. My childless brother was a right jerk to me over divvying up the care for our parents and scapegoated me relentlessly. We have since managed to patch things up somewhat (mom died in 2013), but it will never be like it was. He convinced my sister to gang up on me too for awhile until she saw through him.
Luckily we were able to divide the estate without too much rancor. But the caregiving issues really soured the relationship. My brother and I live in the same town and I see him about twice a year.
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Good point! I really hadn’t thought of that, but Mom took care of all three of my sister’s kids for years and years. I had to pay for all of my childcare.
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@Sweetgum that’s another example of why what seems “fair” might not be.
@MaineLonghorn - yes! Exactly my point.
I was discussing this with a friend recently. I ended up quitting a well paying job (which I loved) because with H traveling and my sometimes having to put in extra hours/other emergencies we just could not make it work when our kids were small. Friend admits the only reason she and her H were able to pull off 2 careers + 2 small children was with the help of her mom. Now the kids are grown and she is taking care of her mom. Her sister is several hundred miles away and is not doing the caregiving, but she didn’t get the help 25 years ago.
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OMG yes!
Earlier this month I received a letter from the IRS to my deceased parents. Before it will send the refund for the tax return filed after their passing, it needs them to verify their identity.
Note the letter is addressed to them with DECEASED after each of their names, so there’s no question they know they are dead.
Of course, the instructions for how to verify one’s identity are IMPOSSIBLE to follow since they are dead. The instructions say if you can’t use the website to verify, then you can call for assistance.
I have been calling for 2 weeks straight. After listening to a long explanation of how you should go online to verify your identity, which takes a total of 2 minutes and 15 seconds, it finally sounds like it’s going to connect to a person. But no! It then says “due to high call volume, we are not accepting any calls at this time. Try again another day.”
IRS was already sent death certificates, copies of trust/estate information, etc. when the return was filed.
It’s the final outstanding item on the estate. Aaargh!
The good news is that all of us siblings get along great and there’s no drama there, so I am VERY grateful for that.
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