My mom is in a CCRC. Her memory is so bad her only other options would be memory care of nursing home rather than the independent living unit with 24/7 aides. We each live locally and each of us tries to visit mom on our respective day. We give feedback to supervisor of the aides when we notice things. We also give them a list of duties to check off daily.
It’s working pretty well but very expensive. We pay for the rental of the CCRC plus nearly $1000/day for the aides.we also have to keep buying all the other things she needs, detergents, gloves for aides, detergent for washing clothes, food for breakfast, etc.
Here’s another angle that I don’t think it too off base for this thread.
I don’t know if couples putting off parenthood (so they want to be parents, but are delaying it due to whatever reason, often jobs, freedom, $$) are thinking about how waiting until later may affect the time and relationship their parents - meaning U - will be around and available to their children.
I mean we only have so many years on earth!
My mom died at 88 and had grandchildren ranging in age from 44 to 17. I am almost 63 and there is no grandchild on the horizon at the moment. That is OK but my point being, even if one were born in the next year, I hope to have 20 years to watch them grow, but we never know, right?
I think our kids (my H and I) see us as eternal. They don’t see us at old. They are not thinking of how our life/health might change in the next 10-20 years - heck, it could be tomorrow! I get that and don’t want them to make all their choices based on that - but I really feel like they AREN’T giving this ticking clock a thought in terms of what they hope for their children and their grandparents (us).
I’m the OP here and that totally factored into my thinking when I started this thread so not off topic at all! I know I said if they forgo marriage/parenthood, but part of my potential sadness even with grandkids is that I want to be young enough to enjoy them. So even putting it off until, say, DIL is 40 means I’d be 73 and who knows what kind of shape I’ll be in then. I’m working hard to be healthy, but we only have so many years. I think about how delighted my mom would be to have a great-grandchild, but she’s 90 now so definitely not counting on that for her.
My old boss had his first/only when he was 53 & his wife was 50. It’s just how life worked out for them. They worry about the age thing, but it is what it is.
That was me, too. My mom had me when she was 39 and I had my youngest when I was 39, so my mom was 78 when my youngest was born. My dad was 77 and in the nursing home. They had about 2 years with my oldest before my dad’s health deteriorated. My kids just think of nursing homes when they think of my parents, I’m sure.
On the other hand my husband’s mom is doing great. She is about 12-13 years younger than my parents, in her 80s now and still sharp and living independently with her "boy"friend, great physical shape (former yoga instructor). She and our kids have had a great relationship as they grew up. My youngest is now in college at 18. However my husband’s dad died suddenly in his sleep before our oldest was even a twinkle in the eye, so they never knew their granddad on that side.
I definitely think about the age thing. My parents were in their 30s when I was born and I was also 30 when we started our family. My mom’s ALZ started when my D was 8 years old. It was very, very hard trying to raise a family and care for my parents. Meanwhile we have friends that are our age (early 50s) who are already grandparents. They’ll have hopefully many healthy active years with their grandchildren.
I want to make sure we save enough to provide all the health care we need and just have our D nearby enough to visit and keep an eye on things. I don’t want her to have to try to actively caregive. We’ll move closer to her once we are struggling to manage alone, but to a facility.
My comment about age above (and grandparents being older when grandchildren come) doesn’t come from a place for myself. I think my kids envision their kids hanging out with grandparents and is doing all the things which I hope we can, but they are not thinking their their own parents could possible age to NOT be able to do all the things!
It’s a compliment I guess that they see is as fit and healthy but ….
My mom was 18 (I was born on her 18th birthday) when she had me and she was 36 when my youngest brother was born. My middle brother is 2 years younger than I am. My middle brother had his first child when he was 20 so my mom was a grandma at 40. This brother’s kids are now 42, 40 and 36. My girls are 30 and 28 so they were the second set of grandkids. My youngest brother has 3 children who are 6, 5 and 2. These are my parents youngest grandkids. So my parents have grandchildren ranging from 42 down to 2.
My mom and dad still watch the 2 year old a couple of days a week and love spending time with him. They also pick up his sister and brother from school 1 day a week. My mom insists that having young grandchildren is helping to keep her going!
Maybe advancements in AI will help with the elder care-technology has made a lot of advancements over the years. Maybe a lot of cleaning jobs will be AI allowing those who would have cleaned care facilities are now funneled over to care taking duties, that type of thing. Just a little brainstorming here.
Actually, I think online dating makes for a nice meet cute story…why did each choose the site they chose, how long chatted before actually meeting, they still have to actually meet up in real life and have a story there. Almost 30 years ago I went to a dating service and the first 4 meet ups were nice enough but not a match and then I met my H. I was his first meet up. He didn’t want to tell people we met through a dating service and we just told people we met at the bar where we met in person. Now he doesn’t mind sharing that it was a dating service and that is part of the meet cute story…why he chose that location, why I wanted to meet on a week day…and that he originally didn’t want others to know we had used a dating service, which is similar to a dating app. It was nice to meet someone who was looking for a similar type of relationship. There was a long questionnaire about age range/height/values/religion/hobbies and what was important and not that big of a deal.
I’m sandwiched right now myself. Have been for at least 10 year so far. Honestly it’s one reason I remained a “SAHM” or whatever you want to call it. I’m the caregiver of the whole family. For my DH’s family also to a certain extent. I’m basically the “cushion” who has time to step up and be flexible when needed.
I would be sad if my kids didn’t get married and have children because that’s been the best part of my life and I would want them to experience it. That being said, I have four children, so I think I’m pretty well assured I’ll have grandkids. My daughter says she definitely doesn’t want as big of a family as we have, which is fine, but I also find it a little offensive, lol. They certainly shouldn’t have kids they don’t want, but I hope they want them.
I know a lot of sandwich folks and many of us caring for elders and I sure if and when we may have grandkids in our lives.
My sister has 5 grandkids and may get a 6th in the near future. She helps some with our aging mom. H was 45 when S was born and 47 when D was born.he just turned 80–no idea if and when GKids will ever be part of our lives. I’m 65 but don’t have the stamina I had when I was raising our kids.
Our friends are early 60s. They help with their 3 elders (late 80s, early 90s), plus newborn GrandS and 2 year old GradD. They also gave 3 grandkids in FL. Oh, they also work fulltime teaching.
Our parents are now gone and DH recently retired. Selfishly, I’m looking forward to traveling and spending time with DH. Our two older kids are focused on careers. I honestly wouldn’t be disappointed if they decided not to marry or have children as long as they’re happy and fulfilled.
Interesting, I did say I didn’t want to be a grandmother before I turned 60. Maybe when I’m 70, I will be ready, done with traveling kind of thing. We didn’t do any caregiving for both sets of parents. But when my mom needed help, I did take a few months off to help. It never occurred to us to link child rearing and taking care of our parents. We did what we could to help.
