My 95 year old mother has dementia. She lives in a very expensive assisted living facility. I cannot imagine what would happen to her without me helping her.
I am over 70, live alone, and have many creative ideas for the next few years, including communal living. Though I like being alone. However, spinal fractures last year were the first time I needed help- already.
I don’t think close friends would take on a very elderly person with dementia, and many of them would be pretty old themselves. From what I see at my mother’s facility and other facilities, it is kids- mostly daughters- who provide the real care. Facilities depend on this and will have to change in the future- more staff, better pay. And these residents are wealthy.
Editing to add that I will do everything I can to mitigate effects on my kids when I get much older, but I also think it is appropriate for kids to help parents to some extent. The cycle of life.
Therefore, I hope my kids have someone to help them if they become ill or old, and their own kids are certainly one option that is often reliable.
Agreed. So much of eldercare involves judgment and decisions not really appropriate for paid helpers. I certainly do not want to overly burden my children, but I believe they recognize that in our family unit, we all help each other out at different times and as needs arise, and that is, for us, part of being a family. I took care of my inlaws in their twilight, and while we had some paid help, I would like to think I was a role model for my kids of the benefits and burdens of being a family.
I applaud your convictions in spirit. But I just don’t think this is reality for many/most families. Even if everything is covered financially there is still a tremendous responsibility toward one’s parents whether you want it or not. There are many exceptions of course but I think overall adult children worry about their aging parents and feel some level of responsibility toward them.
@compmom, you bring up excellent points, as usual.
I don’t think it’s too unreasonable to want, or even expect, children to help care for their elderly parents. And I agree that many, perhaps most, adult children do what they can. (In my experience as well it is disproportionately daughters who do so. I was certainly raised to believe that was my role, not my brothers’. Hopefully things have become a bit more equitable.)
But those without kids have to do what they can. And financial resources are absolutely an advantage that not everyone has.
If you’ve got money a CCRC is the way to go. My mom had excellent care. She had dementia also and was able to pretty seamlessly move from independent living, to assisted, to the nursing facility. The CCRC was in my town so I saw her almost every day. There were lots of folks living there who either didn’t have kids or whose kids were far away. The staff was so kind. I couldn’t have asked for a better place. Everyone who worked there always had a smile on their face. It was a huge step up from the nursing home my dad was in in my hometown. Lots of surly workers there.
I really hope to not be a burden to my kids as I age.
ETA: Wanted to add, when I said “if you have money” I just meant if you can afford it, not “if you’re fabulously wealthy”. My parents were pretty firmly middle class. They had a 1950s 3 bedroom brick ranch. Dad was a salesman, mom worked for the schools in the admin office. But they saved and set aside money, and had good insurance. Dad had long term care for his 7 year stay in the nursing home before he died and we were able to sell the house when mom moved into the CCRC to afford the buy-in. None of us kids wanted the house so it was going to be sold sooner or later anyway.
We can’t control what our son decides to do or not do as we age, but he has no obligation to do anything, and we’ve made that clear. To the point of this conversation, I don’t believe in procreating as a grow-your-own-healthcare-aide strategy. You don’t bring children into this world as healthcare insurance.
Agree 100%. No guarantees that your kids would be able to help when the time comes anyway. I have known several parents that outlived their kids. My mom got way better care at the CCRC than she would have been able to get with live-in care. She needed more than a home health aide could provide. The CCRC has doctors and nurses on staff 24/7.
Re: daughters doing more of the care for elderly parents … frankly, I see many parents showing a very strong preference for their adult daughters. Many are closer to the D than the S, including being closer to the children of the D. Don’t flame me … plenty of parents don’t show this preference, my own included. But I have noticed that when they do show a preference, they also seem to lean on their D as they age. My brothers were incredible partners in helping with my parents. My in laws showed definite preference for my SIL & her family. MIL slowly pushed my H out of any elder care. It’s really sad, because he wants to help. I have seen this dynamic in other families, as well.
My parents didn’t plan on it either, did a great job with their financials, but life gets in the way. My dad ended up with Alzheimer’s, my mom was younger and healthy, no problem, until she got an aggressive cancer at 70 and passed 4 months later. She worked in a government job part time for years, got the last years in full time, so she got a pension and health insurance. Gambled that she’d outlive him, so chose the option to get more $ each month, but the benefits would end if she passed. My dad was laid off in his early 50’s and never really did more than some real estate (degrees from Princeton and Columbia, director of corporate planning for a large pharmaceutical company). He needed a live in, had a cleaning lady, landscaper, but we were very involved with doctor’s appointments, grocery shopping, bill paying, hair cuts, pool maintenance, caregiver could only do 6 nights so one of the kids slept there once a week. I guarantee my parents never imagined the scenario we had. We celebrated every holiday with him, made sure he wasn’t lonely, and when we realized his caregiver wasn’t the best, my daughter took over (studying for her CPA, totaled her car so needed $, so it worked). My grandmother had a caregiver for about 15 years but I remember my mom helping a lot.
I brought this tangent into the discussion. Obviously, I did not have kids so that I would be taken care of in my old age. However, my experience taking care of my demented mother in what is supposed to be assisted living, has made me wonder what changes will be needed when the currently younger generation grows old, if many do not have children.
Note that @Sweetgum, who suggests a CCRC and is pleased with the care her mom had, saw her every day. I am looking at CCRC’s for myself already, so as to be on a waiting list. However, many are way out of my asset and income range.
I have Power of Attorney, am on my mother’s bank account and have a doctor-invoked medical proxy. My mother cannot speak or sign for herself, legally. Are other commenters in this position. I am actually functioning as her brain.
Assisted living aides cannot do anything when the resident says “no” (legally they are “tenants”). Demented folks often say no, because they don’t understand their limitations. So I end up doing most of the “assistance.”
Not many can afford a private aide on top of the AL cost. But even if they can, money doesn’t solve the loneliness in facilities where nurses have 60+ residents to care for and aides have 20+. People breeze in a couple of times/day and otherwise noone.
I am not posting again on this because it is a tangent but I get a little emotional when discussion of this worry for my kids’ old age is interpreted as seeing children as “health care insurance.”
Elder care in this country is inhumane even for the wealthy. Unless family or other close relatives or friends willing to take on this long term, incredible burden, are available to help. I see the suffering of residents who do not have that help, every day.
I can tell you that my mom’s care was 1000% better at the CCRC than my dad’s care at the nursing home even though my mom was with him every day for most of the day. Facilities vary so much. She viewed it as her job to be with him and advocate for him and would go sit with him from morning to evening. It took a terrible toll on her too.
I had two small kids when my mom was in the CCRC. We did go over to visit her if not daily then at least every other day. My brother (no kids) also lives in the same town and he visited at least weekly.
We grown kids did have the POAs, but it was my sister that lived in a neighboring state that had the healthcare POA, however in practice it was mainly me that the facility contacted about any issues like moving her from Independent Living to Assisted and then down to nursing. She spent about 1 year in each before she died.
My mom’s dementia never got to the point where she didn’t recognize us or where she couldn’t speak, but she was pretty mixed up. I don’t think she could legally sign anything or physically sign anything in the year before her death. She ended up having a stroke and the care team there helped us help her pass peacefully w/o having to go to a hospital or anything, which is what she wanted. My dad’s nursing home sent him to the hospital even though he had a DNR and they tried to revive him there. I think it was pretty traumatic for my mom.
I really cannot say enough positive things about the wonderful care my mom had at her end of life and the staff was all so sweet to us, the family, too. I think it was hard for my mom to move away from her home, but it was what she wanted to do before she really needed to. It was lucky we were able to get her into Independent Living because she was pretty borderline as far as needing to step down to Assisted.
For us the CCRC definitely solved more than 10% of the issues she faced.
Completely agree. So many times on this forum (and others), one’s choice or concerns are taken not in the spirit it was meant.
All 4 of our parents do not expect any help, do not want any help from their children and have tried to make things simple. But as they age, they realize that it’s nice to have a child nearby and to have others not nearby but who can set things in motion.
Similarly, we did not have children as any kind of old age insurance but I do see that our support is helpful to our parents as they age. Is it required? Sorry-not sorry to be maudlin but the end comes, no matter what. It feels nice for us to know that our parents’ old age is a tiny bit more comfortable (because of that family) and once you introduce that comparison, are you not comparing to someone who doesn’t have that support? So it’s almost impossible for me to state that it’s “nice” or “desirable” that my parents and ILS have family support without sounding like I’m judging someone who doesn’t have that support.
My parents and ILs are likely “better off”, “more comfortable” because of the proximity of children who want to help. Does it bring them mental well-being that they have this because of their children and do they possibly compare themselves with others who don’t? Yes, absolutely.
I think it’s so unlikely that one doesn’t feel that way if one has the familial support or friend support or whatever. In general, is someone who has nothing - no family, no friends, no systems to be pitied? To be compared with?
I don’t have any words for this to express adequately. Just my stream of thoughts.
I expect there will be a lot of societal changes as fewer adults decide to have children. Higher payroll taxes on those working to pay for an increasingly elderly population. Less support for public schools which educate a smaller percentage of the public. Increased competition for health care. Different priorities for the utilization of tax dollars.
I expect there will be regional differences as well. Young adults in Utah, perhaps, are not deciding against children at the same rate as young adults in NY.
If what I see at my mom’s CCRC is any indication, then often the elderly have to relocate to wherever their children reside, when/if the time comes for more hands on care. There are an awful lot of former Floridians in her Chicago area senior community.
I did not have my kids to take care of me when I need help. However, as someone said above, I do believe that being part of a family sets some requirements to care for one another, to the extent you can. I would not expect any of my kids or their future partners to disrupt their lives or quit a job to care for me, or have me move in. Nor do I expect my kids to have to contribute to my care.
However, I do have some expectations that they will help out as they can/want when we get old. I saw my FIL, who was in a very nice CCRC some distance from his kids get very lonely. It was his sons that visited more than his daughters. I have told my kids that when I am “old old” I would want to live near at least one of them so they can visit and keep an eye on things. My kids saw us help out my parents and have them over for meals, and my DH take side trips from work travel to visit his dad. They understand and accept that this is what you do for family. Just like if one of my kids needed help, and I could do it, I would certainly go and help them.