Because we really need another "rate my essay" topic...

Colleges and Universities A-Z Dartmouth College
1

<p>Well, this is my "fun" essay, everybody. I'm also writing a serious one about religious strife and another will be a take-off on "It's a Wonderful Life."</p>

<p>Let’s get one thing straight. Mr. Rogers would not have lived in my town. This is not to say that my neighborhood is some maelstrom of low expectations, nor would Dante have had new inspiration for Inferno 2: The Reckoning upon visiting. I’m merely stating that the famous cardigan and loafers would have rested in other closets.</p>

<pre><code>I say this because the students of my town are sitting on either side of an ideological fissure. I see those who thrive on the nuanced pleasures of small-town life, yet lack the urge to develop their abilities into improvements for said community. The opposite pole reveals only those bastions of ambition, “kids who want to escape.” The Mellencamp/Trump extremes tempt many of my peers across the nation, which is why I take great pride in my balance of ingenuity and industry, of my vision and my hands.

Yet in my early efforts to achieve this parity, I became some bizarre, dual Sisyphus, my attempts to reach a hill’s peak constantly burdened by two boulders. In concentrating on one aspect of my life, the other, neglected, would return to where it started. As this lifestyle progressed, my experiences gradually skewed into two separate and distinct classes. By day, I was Quinton Klabon – mild-mannered man about town. I thrived on and reciprocated the knowledge presented to me at school, and I wasn’t hesitant to demonstrate my academic prowess. Once I exchanged a backpack for a party hat, however, I consciously chose to stow away my intellectual side. Quotes from Bonaventure were exchanged for quotes from Back to the Future. Dostoevsky’s impassioned moral arguments gave way to frustrated musings about Brett Favre’s last performance.

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<p>Despite my best efforts, a creeping sadness started to overcome me. I spent dozens of nights restless in my bed, wondering if this is how my life would be spent, if my future would be two lives coexisting, not complementing each other. Determined, I swore it would not. Through dogged perseverance, each day became another blur of my previously distinct experiences. And though I’ve been successful at home, my gaze has been set on a place where the harmony of mind and spirit is effortless. Dartmouth, I decided, would be the culmination of my efforts.</p>

<pre><code>It fascinates me to see how slowly life’s tangible elements change through proper perspective. Each day, I still come home to a warm, familiar town that has taught me lessons of family and chivalry that the greatest of philosophers couldn’t. Yet as comfortable as my surroundings make me, I realize that my ideas cannot be contained by some artificial boundary. My perspective, though in part shaped by (let’s face it) the world of Wal-Mart, needs to be shared with the world of academia. As contrived as it may sound, I’d like to imitate the old, gentle friend from my youth. Fred Rogers lived in a quiet, humble neighborhood; indeed, he thrived on it. Yet his words and personality transcended his home to the millions of people willing and eager to hear them. To echo that achievement would be a beautiful day, indeed.
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2

<p><em>cough, cough</em></p>

3

<p>How did the world of Wal-Mart shape your perspective? That bit confused me...You definitely have writing ability, but I thought this essay was a bit wordy at parts. "I thrived on and reciprocated the knowledge presented to me at school, and I wasn’t hesitant to demonstrate my academic prowess." Stuff like this is a bit much; try to make everything as concise as you can. Go for small, powerful, action words, and try to focus your topic a little more. Are you saying that half the people either like the small town, but don't turn their ability into improvements for "said community" (I would just say "the community," less wordy), and the other half want to escape it but won't give anything back? And you want to escape it, go to Dartmouth where your mind and spirit can be melded, and eventually give back, like Mr. Rogers? It seems like you're trying to make a lot of good points, but they seem a little scatterred and confuse the reader. You definitely have the ability to write a great essay--just think a little bit more about what point you really want to get across.</p>

4

<p>"How did the world of Wal-Mart shape your perspective? That bit confused me..."</p>

<p>I was referring to small-town life.</p>

<p>"Stuff like this is a bit much;"</p>

<p>Fair enough.</p>

<p>"Are you saying that half the people either like the small town, but don't turn their ability into improvements for "said community" (I would just say "the community," less wordy), and the other half want to escape it but won't give anything back? And you want to escape it, go to Dartmouth where your mind and spirit can be melded, and eventually give back, like Mr. Rogers?"</p>

<p>Exactly.</p>

<p>"You definitely have the ability to write a great essay--just think a little bit more about what point you really want to get across."</p>

<p>Thanks a lot for your time and comments. I appreciate it.</p>

5

<p>My summary of your points was what I gleaned from taking time to look through it, but they weren't immediately clear on the first read. Maybe beef up the comparison between you and the kids who want to escape and won't give anything back (it wasn't obvious that you weren't one of them). Maybe say how you want to give back? And throw in an anecdote or two to spice it up?
*Note--I'm only pointing out the bad stuff, since that's what you need to work on. Obviously there are a lot of good things in your essay to, and some very nice phrasing at parts. :)</p>

6

<p>GhaleonQ, here is what I thought (as I read the essay). Please do not take offense- this is only my (attempt at) obective opinion! I'm sure you're a great kid... now work on that essay!</p>

<p>-The intro is too long. You only have 500 words; don't waste it on weird abstract references to Dante's Inferno and mumbo-jumbo about cardigans.</p>

<p>-Waay too wordy and pretentious. Have you tried reading the second paragraph out loud? "...urge to develop their abilities into improvements...?" How about just "not motivated?" You don't have to use long words to show you're intelligent. Also, lots of random generalizations and no concrete examples.</p>

<p>-Too many literary/mythological allusions (Sisyphus? Quinton? C'mon, man). Again, sounds like you're flexing.</p>

<p>-Wait. So from what I get, by the fourth paragraph, all you've said is a) your neighborhood is small-town and not too motivated, b) you're smart and you try to hide it and c) somehow Dartmouth will cure this? Hmmm... not something an admissions committee wants to hear. Also, it's kind of tough to follow where you're going. What vision? What parity? How did you show academic prowess? How did you stow away your intelligence? Don't assert anything you're not willing to back up with examples and description.</p>

<p>-Fifth paragraph. Too vague. What family values? What chivalry? Make it clearer to the reader. The return to Mr. Rogers is nice; could be made stronger with an example of what about him is so memorable and how you want to mimic it.</p>

<p>-You're opinion "needs to be shared with the world of academia?" Tell me how that sounds to an admissions officer.</p>

<p>It's there, Ghaleon. It's just a little convoluted. You need to whittle your essay down to a very specific, very defined point. What exactly is the point? That your hometown doesn't offer academic stimulation so you need to find it at Dartmouth? Don't play games with the admissions officers... say it straight out without the fancy schmancy words. Better yet, tell them what exactly you like about Dartmouth. If this were a creative piece, it might get an honors grade. But admissions officers don't have time to guess at hidden meanings and literary nuances. Decide what message you want to get across, and write it in a thoughtful, nonpretentious way. It's tougher than it sounds... I know, but you can do it! Best of luck.</p>

7

<p>"Dont assert anything you're not willing to back up with examples and description."
Yes.
Very thoughtful post, raspberry. I agree with your points.</p>

8

<p>"The intro is too long. You only have 500 words; don't waste it on weird abstract references to Dante's Inferno and mumbo-jumbo about cardigans."</p>

<p>I was just trying to get the (assumedly) tired officers to smile a little bit.</p>

<p>"Also, lots of random generalizations and no concrete examples."</p>

<p>Okay.</p>

<p>"-Too many literary/mythological allusions (Sisyphus? Quinton? C'mon, man). Again, sounds like you're flexing."</p>

<p>I used one. Quinton is my name. <em>laughs</em> The others (the two authors) are examples.</p>

<p>"-Wait. So from what I get, by the fourth paragraph, all you've said is a) your neighborhood is small-town and not too motivated, b) you're smart and you try to hide it and c) somehow Dartmouth will cure this? Hmmm... not something an admissions committee wants to hear."</p>

<p>Not exactly. I tried to say that I would like to go somewhere where I could be fun and intellectual at the same time.</p>

<p>Any ideas on how to portray this better?</p>

<p>"Also, it's kind of tough to follow where you're going. What vision? What parity? How did you show academic prowess? How did you stow away your intelligence? Don't assert anything you're not willing to back up with examples and description."</p>

<p>This I completely agree with. I think I'm going to risk going to 550-575 words. Do you know if Brown, Dartmouth, Georgetown, Yale, or Pennsylvania are really strict about this?</p>

<p>"-Fifth paragraph. Too vague. What family values? What chivalry? Make it clearer to the reader."</p>

<p>Really? I thought it would be okay for them to say, "Okay, typical small town values," there.</p>

<p>"-You're opinion "needs to be shared with the world of academia?" Tell me how that sounds to an admissions officer."</p>

<p>Huh? Do they resent being called "academia" or something?</p>

<p>"You need to whittle your essay down to a very specific, very defined point. What exactly is the point? That your hometown doesn't offer academic stimulation so you need to find it at Dartmouth?"</p>

<p>No, I tried to draw the two sides dynamic out, and the point of Dartmouth was to find a place where I could reconcile my serious side and my fun side.</p>

<p>Really, though, thanks for the advice. <em>goes back to work</em></p>

9

<p>You're the most gracious advice-taker I've seen yet on CC. Just made me want to post. Good luck with your essay. Hope to see you at Dartmouth next year! ^.^</p>

10

<p>"You're the most gracious advice-taker I've seen yet on CC. Just made me want to post."</p>

<p>Haha. Thanks. But what were you expecting?</p>

<p>"WHAT THE @#%^$&! THIS IS *#$@^!#^ @#^@$^@!! SUCK MY #!$^#$!"</p>

<p>'Cause, you know, I could do that, too.</p>

11

<p>Dartmouth isn't strict about the word limit. My essay was, I think, about 700 words and I got in. I just made sure I could fit it onto a page.</p>

12

<p>Ah, thanks.</p>

<p>I figured that (except for UPenn, which apparently gets all ****y) one page was a good limit.</p>

13

<p>Mine was about 420 words, but I double spaced it so it was on 2 pages. Since they say to put your name, birth date, etc at the top of each page, I didn't think they'd mind more than one page. So, with one page single spaced, they don't have to turn the page, but with two pages double spaced, it's easier for the <em>ahem</em> older, possibly squinty admiss offs to read. Oh, and lol. I expected more along the lines of a couple of *<strong><em>y responses degenerating into "Everybody on this board is stupid." Not only was there no *</em></strong>yness from you, but you were nice. Me reading somebody responding with poise and gratitude --> 0.o</p>

14

<p>oh, wow, p*ss is censored? oops. Sorry moderator people. ^.^</p>

15

<p>Yeah the one-page thing was just to make it seem shorter. So even though it was over the word-limit I could still be like, "Well, it's no more than a page..."</p>

16

<p>What was the topic you were writing about? Is this in response to the common app essay?</p>

<p>Good Essay overall, but you might want to pare it down a little, make it more concise and less wordy.</p>

17

<p>Its funny cause im starring in 'It's A Wonderful Life' Right now at my school :-)</p>

18

<p>Thanks, everyone.</p>

<p>And zach, I'll pay you $20 over Paypal if you talk to that teacher's husband in French like in "Home Alone."</p>

19

<p>How's this?</p>

<p>Let’s get one thing straight. Mr. Rogers would not have lived in my town. This is not to say that my neighborhood is some maelstrom of low expectations, nor would Dante have had new inspiration for Inferno 2: The Reckoning upon visiting. I’m merely stating that the famous cardigan and loafers would have rested in a different place.</p>

<p>I say this because the students of my town sit on either side of an ideological fissure. I see those who thrive on the unique pleasures of small-town life, yet lack the urge to develop their community. The opposite pole reveals only those self-proclaimed bastions of ambition, “kids who want to escape.” The Mellencamp and Trump extremes tempt many of my peers across the nation, which is why I take pride in my balance of industry and ingenuity, of my metropolitan mind and small-town heart.</p>

<p>Yet, in my early efforts to achieve this balance, I became some bizarre, dual Sisyphus, my attempts to reach a hill’s peak constantly burdened by two boulders. In concentrating on one aspect of my life, the other, neglected, would return to where it started. As this lifestyle progressed, my experiences gradually fell into two distinct classes. By day, I was Quinton Klabon – “mild-mannered man about town.” I reciprocated the knowledge presented to me at school, and I was eager to please in the classroom, leading class discussions and urging those around me to question their beliefs. Once I exchanged a backpack for a party hat, however, I consciously chose to stow away my intellectual side. Quotes from Bonaventure were exchanged for those from Back to the Future. Dostoevsky’s impassioned moral arguments gave way to frustrated musings about Brett Favre’s last performance. Yet, I found no fault in this lifestyle, since it allowed for both sides of my character. My heart thrived on spontaneous, chummy banter between friends as much as my mind depended on the papers and lectures of school.</p>

<p>Despite my initial satisfaction, a creeping sadness started to overcome me. I spent nights restless in my bed, wondering if my future would be two lives coexisting, not complementing each other. Unfulfilled by my attempts to become both a perfect student and typical teenager, I swore it would not. Clever, inventive projects and jokes started to pepper my formerly no-nonsense schoolwork, quickly becoming my trademark among friends and teachers. I discovered the perception of my friends as obsessed partygoers was entirely false, and that a simple suggestion of deep thinking would spark our pondering of the universe. Each day, I blurred my previously separate experiences. And though I’ve been successful in my hometown, my gaze has been set on a place where the harmony of contemplation and recreation is effortless. Dartmouth, I’ve seen, is that place, one where the brilliance of those around me would ensure the balance of both my discerning and jovial sides. It’s where I could find a second home.</p>

<p>It fascinates me to see how slowly perspective changes life’s tangible elements. Each day, I still come home to a warm, familiar town that has taught me lessons of family and friendship that the greatest of philosophers couldn’t. Yet, as comfortable as my surroundings make me, I realize that my ideas cannot be contained by some artificial limit. My perspective, though in part shaped by (let’s face it) the world of Wal-Mart, needs to be shared with the world of scholars. As contrived as it may sound, I’d like to imitate the gentle friend from my youth. Fred Rogers lived in a quiet, humble neighborhood; indeed, he thrived on it. Yet his words and personality transcended his home to the millions of people willing and eager to hear them, uniting those two seemingly conflicted ways of life. To echo that achievement would be a beautiful day, indeed.</p>