<p>I am so sorry to read about your S’s loss. Not sure if Matt Healey is the boy you are referring to. My S went to Thayer Middle School and is currently attending another private day school in the area. Matt’s death has affected so many people. I must have had 7-8 folks at work, who knew my S went to Thayer Middle, ask me if my S knew him (he didn’t). Folks outside of work have also asked. I suppose because it is a young healthy man, from the area, who has just started a new phase of his life that his death has affected so many. Here is a young man who did absolutely nothing wrong, nothing stupid, nothing risky and dies. A wonderful young man from all that I have read. My condolences to your S.</p>
<p>So sorry to read of all the losses here. I second the rec to speak to the Dean of Students - if your son won’t do it, I suggest you do it just to alert the college and his professors to the situation. </p>
<p>Packmom, thanks for writing. I remember your telling us about that accident last summer, and wondering how the year went for your DS. In his case, the “that could/should have been me” must have been a heavy load to deal with as well. I’m sure it had a huge shocking impact on you as his mom, too! The “what could have been” scenario would have kept me up many, many nights. Glad to hear that your son is back on track. You are right about how such events shift our priorities quickly.</p>
<p>I am so sorry about this young man’s death and sorry too for your son’s grief. </p>
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<p>And rightfully so. I’m usually a big advocate of students handling things but I would contact whoever was in charge of that presentation. </p>
<p>I did want to share that when my husband’s brother died, their other brother was at college. He came home for, I believe, 10 days. He called us when he got back to school because his notebook was still open on his desk and he was suprised how much it upset him. When he had taken those notes, his brother was alive, then a phone call and then his life got turned upside down.</p>
<p>He did not seek out grief counseling. Instead, he left himself be consumed by his college life. He and my husband would speak on the phone and when he came home that summer there was a lot of conversations. I would encourage my son to say in touch with any mutual friends they had and, especially, with this young man’s family. I promise you that him stopping or writing or calling will always be welcomed by them.</p>
<p>I want to note that grief is, of course, individual. If you suspect your son is not dealing with this well at college, I would not hesistate to get the college involved. In fact, if I were you, I’d write his RA a private note asking to keep a special eye on my son. </p>
<p>Again, I am so sorry. There is nothing right about people dying so young.</p>
<p>Packmom, I am so sorry for the death of two such young lives and for the grief your son is having to carry.</p>
<p>What I learned from my husband’s brothers death is that grief waits. It can only be pushed aside for so long and even two decades later, it will sometimes resurface out of the blue. The kindest thing our therapist told my husband in the months after was that his normal life was gone, there was no getting back to that life. Instead he was going to have to learn how live a new life, one where he loves his brother no less but that acknowledges his new reality. </p>
<p>He also helped him start to let go of the deepest, darkest pain. It becomes so confusing, because this person you loved is now associated with that pain and so letting go of the pain can feel like letting go of your love, of your memory of this person. Yes, there are still painful times but there are also times when my husband can think of his brother, or tell a story about him and laugh with great joy. The pain does receed, slowly and never all the way, but grief is a journey whereas love is with us our whole lives. </p>
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<p>This brought tears to my eyes. From so long down the road, I know that this young man will always be with your son, in his heart and helping him do the right thing when it seems impossible. Grief is work, it’s hard work and it’s work he cannot do alone. I so wish he did not have to walk this road so young.</p>
<p>Lafalum84, Thanks for remembering. Not a day goes by (even when I’m annoyed with him about something) that I don’t remember to be thankful that his life was spared.<br>
Priorities do change. He’s not a model kid or an outstanding student. He’s an average Joe who has taken a hard shot and got back up. The rest is gravy.</p>
<p>PMK, You are right about friends sticking together. Luckily for S2, he has friends at his college (including his roommate) who knew and loved the two friends that were lost. S2 has been by to see the families when he hs been at home on breaks. He still keeps a picture of himself and his friends as his homepage on his computer.
They had so many fun times together. He was talking about one of the boys just recently and I thought that it was good that he was recalling something they had done together and laughing about it.</p>
<p>He also helped him start to let go of the deepest, darkest pain. It becomes so confusing, because this person you loved is now associated with that pain and so letting go of the pain can feel like letting go of your love, of your memory of this person. Yes, there are still painful times but there are also times when my husband can think of his brother, or tell a story about him and laugh with great joy. The pain does receed, slowly and never all the way, but grief is a journey whereas love is with us our whole lives. </p>
<p>pugmadkate, this above statement is very true. My son seems to stay in his pain, out of loyalty to his friend and states he will never be replaced. These boyhood ot teenage friendships are so tight and meaningful. i also worry that the loyalty of the pain can be dangerous and flirt with long term depression. I will keep in touch with his “honoring” of his friend. I want him to grieve in a healthy way if that is even possible.</p>
<p>packman, I am glad to hear that time has helped your son. His journey will be helpful to others. My son also has friends who share his grieve and this may prove to be more helpful than counseling.
Thanks to everyone for your advice. I have been in touch with the dean at the school,so all we can do is stay in touch.</p>
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<p>It can be. </p>
<p>It’s just so difficult. It just seems like common sense that letting go of the pain is not letting go of the love but when you’re in it, it’s not so clear. </p>
<p>It’s difficult on several levels to start to let go of the pain; it’s the last thing experienced with the person who died (even in a sudden death) and starting to let go of the pain means accepting that the person you love is really gone. It means making a new life and it’s a common fear that somehow this person will be forgotten.</p>
<p>I am so sorry for your son’s loss. Last year a very close friend of my daughter suffered a serious injury and was in a coma a week before my daughter was to begin her freshman year. We were torn if she should attend weeklong orientation or stay home a few more days. My daughter said what she feared would be a final goodbye before she left for school five hours from home. Her friend was hospitalized for many months but did survive. She suffered a severe brain injury so will never be the same. It was difficult for my daughter to deal with this away at school but she did find a few friends to confide in and found great support there. Grieving does not have a timeline - your son may want some time before speaking to a grief counselor. Be supportive and there for him but give him some time and space. Remind him periodically what resources are available to him - tutoring to help him catch up, grief counseling, etc. He may not be ready yet but 3 or 6 months down the road he may want seek out the support. Good luck to you and your family.</p>
<p>Just as an update for those who may go through a similar situation. The school gave my son excellent support. Although his grades suffered a bit freshman year, he gradually picked himself up from a depression and is now graduating this May and heading to a top 25 medical school!! so miracles can happen. Good support and encouragement go a long way!!</p>
<p>I am so sorry for your son’s loss. It must be difficult to see him go through this.</p>
<p>Communication is the key! As others have mentioned, contact the appropriate people at his college. Preferably your son should be doing this, but he may need some assistance due to the circumstances. It should be done ASAP.</p>
<p>Thanks for the update. I’m very glad to hear it.
All good wishes to your son for his bright future.</p>
<p>Congrats & thanks for updating about your S and his happy new chapter! Our D had some severe grief issues last year, when a beloved aunt died. It caused her to take an additional year of courses and belatedly get a medical withdrawal for a lost semester. Good luck! Our world needs more excellent doctors!</p>
<p>Thank you all for your well wishes now and in the past. His grief has made him stronger and more compassionate. Sometimes it can make you stronger and hopefully a better practitioner! Hope your daughter HImom is doing better now and off to a steadier start! It is so hard for these kids to keep up with challenging courses when they are suffering.</p>
<p>I am thrilled to hear your son has done so well after such a traumatic event in his life. It’s obvious how much you cared about helping him through this by reaching out to the CC community. All the best.</p>
<p>ibnhf1,Glad to hear it has all worked out for your S. Congrats on Med. Sch.</p>
<p>My S suffered yet another tragedy last summer when his h.s. friend that was his roommate for the first two years of college was killed. The two of them had hung together and propped each other up when the other two friends died. The four of them were best friends in h.s. Now S is the only one left. </p>
<p>Of course S was very sad for his friend’s senseless death…was run over by a drunk guy who had been arguing with him in a bar… but he seemed to handle it better this time.
No deep lingering depression or big disruptions in his life (he was halfway through a summer internship which really helped him stay on an even keel). </p>
<p>Anyhow, he did better than we ever expected in college…really matured a lot. He graduated last spring and has a good job with benefits. We’re pretty proud of him.</p>
<p>PackMom, thank you for your update and how terrible to hear of the death of yet another friend for him!! You must of been so worried since he was doing so well. It sounds like he is a real survivor. I do hope he finds his happiness in his new job and that he prides himself on his resilience.</p>