best roommate at a culture shock college

Parents Forum
1

<p>Think of culture shock college moves: Rural Iowa girl goes to NYU. Minneapolis girl goes to (fill in some college in the South). Philadelphia girl goes to Texas. Oklahoma girl goes to Boston.</p>

<p>Who would make the best roommate? Someone who is from that area (where many of the students at the college are from) who belongs to that culture, to help you acclimate? or someone else from away, so you can figure out the new culture together?</p>

<p>I was wondering about this and thought, I know, I'll ask the cc parents what they think. The first of my daughters' friends who is going to a college pretty different from here found another girl on facebook also moving into the new situation. They decided to room together and they are going to figure out the new culture together.</p>

<p>Just thinking...</p>

2

<p>Except, perhaps, for a college that draws very heavily from the small geographic area surrounding it, I don't think it matters much.</p>

<p>And in that case, perhaps the main issue with a roommate from the college's immediate area is that she might have a lot of high school friends and still hang out with them, rather than trying to meet new people.</p>

<p>One of the most fascinating culture-shock pairs of roommates I knew at college consisted of a Southern debutante who had gone to a private boarding school and a Jewish girl from New York City who had attended one of the city's academic magnet schools. There were enormous cultural differences between them, and they found each other's different backgrounds very interesting. But it was more than which part of the country they came from. There was community size. There was religion (the New Yorker had grown up in heavily Jewish surroundings; the Southerner had never known anyone who was Jewish). There was socioeconomic level (the Southerner was from a much more affluent family). And there were many other ways in which their past lives had differed.</p>

<p>Neither girl came from the immediate area surrounding the college.</p>

3

<p>I am not sure it really matters if the roommate comes from a similar background or not. Also, the roomie isn't the only friend the student is going to make, usually. </p>

<p>My daughter grew up in a rural town of 1700 people, on a dirt road, in a community where you can't walk to anything, has no traffic lights, everything is closed at night, and so on. At age 16, she started at NYU where she is now. The setting could not be any more of a contrast. It so happens that she did room with a girl from our state whom she knew pretty well, though did not go to school with her. So, it is true that they were in the same boat. However, they had a slew of friends and many of their friends come from urban and suburban areas. NONE of this really seemed to matter. The change of setting is big no matter who your pals are. My D did just fine and loved it from the second she arrived. It was more ME who wondered how she'd navigate the subways and just the entire lifestyle is so vastly different. She craved it and figured it out, along with numerous freshmen who have to do so. Kids just do. Even if some kids are from cities or big towns and are plopped at X college, everyone in some form or another, has to adjust to an entirely new environment. The exception would be at a college where the majority came from very nearby and a kid from far away would be unusual. But at many colleges, the freshmen come from around the country and all have to adjust to some degree to a new place.</p>

4

<p>I think no matter how similar anyone seems on Facebook; what really makes the situation successful is that both of them make a commitment to respecting the other and it doesn't matter at all what their background is. I wasn't anything like my college roomate and we never would have spoken if not for the random match; but we got along so well as roomates that we are still in touch twentysomething years later. It might be disappointing if you enter college believing that your roomate will be your best friend.</p>

5

<p>soozievt makes some good points, but I think the situation might be different in the specific case of out-of-staters attending state universities.</p>

<p>At some state universities, including the one my son attends, a lot of kids come in with an established social circle. They know dozens of people, including those in their own year and upperclassmen. Some have been on the campus frequently, so the place doesn't seem unfamiliar to them. Unlike your standard freshman, they may not be adjusting to an entirely new environment. In many ways, college may seem like an extension of high school to them. Thus, socially speaking, they act more like upperclassmen than freshmen. They already have friends, and they may not be looking for more.</p>

<p>In that sort of environment, I think there would be an advantage to two out-of-staters rooming together because neither would be part of a pre-established clique.</p>

6

<p>This was one of many reasons DD2 did not want to go to one of the popular instate or northeastern schools. She didn't want to continue high school. Her choice to go to the midwest has proven to be wise. Her friends are from all over the country. One boy from her math classes in HS and one girl from her middle school are also there and they are all in engineering, but they are not really friends and their paths rarely cross.</p>

<p>DD1 did have a roommate from Iowa when she was at NYU. Neither had trouble adjusting to the city or each other. We had to adjust to DD picking up the accent (sort of Canadian?) from the Iowan. </p>

<p>Neither had great luck with their first roommates, though on paper they should have had alot in common.</p>

7

<p>A friend's D went to big OOS U and was placed in a suite with students who knew each other from HS. Sounds like she felt marginalized and left out. I'm sure it was just one factor in her taking a medical leave before the end of first semester (anxiety), but I'll bet it didn't help.</p>

<p>The biggest factors in my son's compatibility with his first year roomie was similar night owl habits and respect. Everyone on the floor had requested sub-free also, so they party compatibly.</p>

8

<p>I look at this somewhat differently. If there is culture shock, the principal issue is not the choice of roommate: It is understanding the culture you're about to enter and believing you will be comfortable in it (or that you are content being somewhat of an outlier -- some kids are.)</p>

<p>Take the case of the “rural Iowa girl going to NY" – let’s say to Columbia or NYU or Barnard. These are diverse schools that do not have dominant, monolithic social cultures. Now let’s say that, instead of heading to Manhattan, the rural Iowa girl is headed to rural upstate NY, to a bucolic LAC, say Colgate. This is a school that is less diverse and does have a predominant social culture. The real key is whether the Iowa girl truly understands the culture into which she’s headed and believes she will be comfortable in it, if not as part of the mainstream, than as part of one of the small subcultures that exist on most campuses. I say this from experience: My suburban big-city kid transferred from a bucolic LAC to a mid-sized university, largely because of culture shock. </p>

<p>I think the issue of roommate is far less important than the issue of understanding -- really understanding -- the dominant social/academic culture. I agree with the posters who have said that if there is mutual respect, roommates who have little in common can live together happily. Conversely, without mutual respect, two kids who on paper may have a great deal in common can be miserable roommates. But they need to know where they're headed.</p>

9

<p>2cakes</p>

<p>I haven't noticed an accent in IA, but I grew up in MN and the accent there is very Scandanavian. It is funny to hear people from all different ethnic backgrounds sounding like Nowegians.</p>

10

<p>My S went to a big OOS school and being a quieter kid, had a very rough time with assigned roommates. Mostly because they seemed to all have a home based social circle, and the culture was a little different. There was no attempt that I could see to match roommates in any way. He found friends through activities in time, and finally great roomies off campus senior year. But far from what he had envisioned in college. </p>

<p>My D, at a LAC that prides itself on diversity, is very happy, had loving roommates that celebrate each other. Though I know not all at her school are so happy with roomies, I know they try to match students, and in our case it worked very, very well, though, or perhaps because they are quite geographically diverse.</p>

11

<p>My D also started at a mid-sized OOS school. Not only was her roomie instate, but from the actual town that the school was located in. She had a slew of homie friends, plus a still-in-HS-bf who was at the room constantly.</p>

<p>It turned out to be the first of a lot of circumstances which led D to transfer to an LAC which, though equal distance from us as the first school was, had a more geographically varied student body. Even as a transfer, in a single room, she felt more at home and made friends much more quickly than at the first school.</p>

12

<p>Surburban,New York street savvy,pretty hip half Jewish half Irish Catholic boy,liberal Democrat rooms sight unseen (but Facebook met) with Mormon fairly small town South Carolinian at very large flagship state U Honors College dorm.
Mom(me) was way worried about culture clash,etc. Son had missed deadline opportunity to pick his roommate...they had met through the U's online matching service but applied too late.
It worked out fine!!!One year later, his three best friends ..one sharing on campus apt with him,other two down the hall, are all South Carolina boys.The original roomate has not continued in school (Mormon mission).They've come to visit the big bad NYC for the first time.Everyone's attitudes have adjusted.He's not a Yankee and they're not hicks.
Maybe its a boy thing,their temperments matched and their lifestyles too.Political,religious differences are okay,one loved Thompson and Huckabee,Son works for Obama.Slobby,night owls,easy going.Maybe it was the nuturing of the fairly small-easy to get to know everybody freshman Honors dormThey are going off campus next year(Junior year) and sharing an apartment.</p>

13

<p>For an Iowa girl at NYU it s probably better not to have a New Yorker as a roommate. Having a family and alot of classmates in the city may mean that ths person will just not get into dorm friendships. They will spend weekends at home. It is also not uncommon for such kids to spend one ear in the dorm then to move back home to save money, especially if they plan on an expensive grad. education.</p>

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<p>To echo other posters, I think that any roommate combo has the potential to work wonderfully (or fail miserably, as the case may be, but this seems far less likely). The issue isn't geography or cultural upbringing any more than it is major or eye-color...mutual respect will get you everywhere :)</p>

<p>That said, if I had to pick a preference, it would be to room with another out-of-towner--not necessarily someone who was going to experience a comparable level of 'culture shock,' but not someone who was entering the school with her own local clique and routine. I had some wonderful college friends who lived near our school, and they were great resources (as well as people), but some of them also spent a lot of time going home, hanging out with family and high school friends, working former jobs, and so forth. Your daughter will meet locals even if she's not living with one. It might be less intimidating for your daughter, less of a strain on the roommate relationship, and more fun for both girls (ideally) if they're able to adjust together. This isn't to say that having a local roommate can't be very handy (on the absolute contrary!), I just think that rooming with another newbie is, on the whole, 'safer.'</p>

<p>I knew wonderful roommates of all combinations--wealthy Bay Area suburb + Ghana; rural Iowa + Boston; San Francisco + Norway. Of course, there were also plenty of Seattle + Seattle, NorCal + SoCal, and so forth. Every relationship has the potential for perks and pitfalls. The winning combo, in every case, boiled down to nice, open-minded person + nice, open-minded person. It seems, from so many anecdotes, that most CC parents should have little to worry about :)</p>

<p>FYI: I believe there's a recent-ish thread in the College Life forum that cautions against finding roommates via facebook. As Muffy suggests, this can lead to disappointment/disagreement. The expectation of friendship puts instant pressure on a relationship. I'm sure that there are success stories, though, so I hope it works out for your daughter's friend!</p>

15

<p>Op's question reminded me of two very rural (upstate NY, not NYC-area) African American girls who were accepted to Emory University in Atlanta, a city much bigger than either had ever experienced. One was a strong personality, the other a bit more timid. I knew both moms at work and both families were considering culture shock, along with their thrill to send the girls off to Emory. The girls already knew each other from high school and were friendly, if not best friends.</p>

<p>The moms, along with their D's, came up with a great idea: they agreed to room together but only for the first year. That would ensure them a first friend in a new, much larger setting, but would also encourage them to branch out and meet new people so there'd be new roommates in later years. It gave them time to plant their feet firmly on new ground, and then flower.</p>

<p>In a different scenario, my S was accepted OOS to a school where half the kids would know their Southern California territory. We had wrongly heard it was a virtual commuter school that emptied out on weekends so kids could go home to recharge. That was much exaggerated. Nonetheless, their roommate placement (done with great care, as evidenced by many stories) placed 3 boys together who were all out-of-state, but demonstrated reasonable confidence in terms of personality. </p>

<p>That, too, has worked out well because the 3 of them form a base and can always count on each other for on-campus weekend company. Only now, in second semester, is my S beginning to figure out who lives more locally in California. </p>

<p>If, as a first-term freshman, he'd have been placed with someone who knew California inside-out as his only roommate and they didn't like each other, perhaps he'd have been "ditched" on weekends. With rare luck he might have been assigned to a local roommate who'd take him under his wing, but odds are against that luck. Also, whoever is off-his-mark socially might not express enough confidence to appeal to the more culturally-familiar, comfortable local kids. </p>

<p>So I'm VERY grateful that the housing people put these 3 OOS boys together, even in a tripled double (!) and am guessing it was done based on positive experience. All 3 boys are confident and branching out now in second term but they look cool because can always go someplace together if they choose to.</p>

16

<p>Well, if we're really talking culture shock, my son's roommate -- an international student from China -- fits the bill. His trip to arrive at college in Texas in August was the first time he had ever traveled out of China. On the other hand, my son lives 15 minutes from campus. I think having my son be from close by helped his roommate with the transition. He knew there was a support system for him if he needed it (us), and he could spend short holidays with us like Thanksgiving when he couldn't travel home.</p>

17

<p>"With rare luck he might have been assigned to a local roommate who'd take him under his wing, but odds are against that luck."
Blackeyedsusan, it sounds like your son was a gem and his roommate was lucky to meet him!</p>

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<p>^^^AND the Mom was hospitable!!</p>

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<p>Thanks! It's been fun for us too, though. The whole family picked him up when he first arrived in Texas and took him to a Mexican restaurant. Talk about culture shock -- we realized that not only had he never had Mexican food before, he had never even eaten cheese before! And it was really fun having someone experience their first Thanksgiving with us. It's been a good match for my son, too. During the first week of school he went to a Chinese restaurant with his roommate and 14 other international students from mainland China! This has given him a broader, diverse experience than one would have imagined he could have experienced so close to home.</p>

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<p>What is DD2? DD1? DS? All these weird abbreviations?</p>